I did nothing wrong.
Why do I have the punishment?
Separated, outcast, cast aside.
Too inconvenient for acknowledgment.

Parties continue, pictures are taken.
I have been erased.
Wounded and broken, but instead of comfort:
"Why are you bleeding all over the place?"

Who knows why you finally did it?
The pain of living felt worse than death.
So decisive and certain you were.
A gun's swift act took your last breath.

I hope you have peace in the life beyond.
So young yet your pain had grown too great.
Did you not know there's still so much hope?
Could no one soothe the wounds in your heart?

Now I work to keep your body alive.
Your soul has long left its source of pain.
I watch your parents sit and weep,
Crying to have their child back again.

Would you have done it if you knew what came after?
For your family, the picture will always stay fresh.
Your face unrecognizable to those who knew you.
Your skull a mutilated mass of flesh.

Yet still there is hope at the end of this nightmare.
Others may find life through your demise.
Each ***** a lifeline for a soul in the balance.
But that does not comfort your parent's cries.

Do I sob in grief or rejoice in new life?
As I continue to keep a body working.
I feel the weight of the duty I carry.
The guardian of both the end and beginning.

I wish you and your family all comfort and peace.
I go home and leave the work behind.
But I could never forget what I saw in these days.
The sights and smells have their place in my mind.

Sweet spiced cookies
wafting in my nose.
It draws me to the kitchen
and on my tippy toes.

Mama's made a special treat.
She says it's still too hot to eat.
I can hardly stand the wait!
I bet they'll taste so great.

I hold mama's apron
until she gives me some.
It tastes just like mommy,
and it tastes just like home.

Forgotten child, all alone.
An accessory in her own home.
Given love when she had something to give.
Ignored once she chose how to live.

An inconvenience to the way things are.
Disrupting the illusion much too far.
The black sheep for speaking too much truth.
Why won't she comply like she used to do?

And so I am and must be
To the ones I call my family.
Walking down my road with them behind
Hoping someday we'll be of one mind.

Thank you for trying to help me cope.
Thank you for trying to offer me hope.

But this wound goes deeper than the soul.
It's the way the world is broken as a whole.

You'll never know the crush to a little girl's heart;
The shock and fear and disgust that starts

When she learns how men will see her,
How they'll fantasize on how to use her.

When she learns her power is minimal
And she's at the mercy of men who are criminals,

That being in this body makes her a target,
And her worth is decided in the beauty market.

Every part of her free game to criticize,
And valued only as she's seen by men's eyes.

So forgive me if I have trouble believing
That the world is better than I am perceiving.

But my life is the proof that what I'm saying is true.
Be thankful you can't understand all I've been through.

To the mom who can't afford nice makeup to cover the dark circles,
To the mom who can't afford to "fix" the ******* that now hang loose,
To the mom who can't afford to remove the belly that remains,
To the mom who can't afford to remove the wrinkles of worry from her face,

Your beauty is in the nights you've stayed awake holding a crying baby.
Your beauty is how your strength has been drained so a child may thrive.
Your beauty is shown in the belly split apart to grow a new life.
Your beauty is in your heart that yearns to protect your child.

Your glory is the brightest in your scars.

I hold my child against my chest,
The place he loves to sleep the best.

I feel the rhythm of his breathing,
A little moment with so much meaning.

Full of nourishment from my breast,
Satisfied and content to simply rest.

My arms surround him holding him snug,
Safe and secure inside my hug.

These moments limitless in their worth,
Little pieces of heaven here on earth.

The joy of my baby right before me
But I can't seem to feel it.

Loving husband on my side
But I can't seem to see it.

Precious friends with a lifeline
But I can't seem to grasp it.

A mist has settled all around
I must find my way through it.

I used to think I'd be saving lives.
But the truth hits me hard and I realize,

Some sickness is impossible to cure,
And promises of wholeness just a lure.

I make every effort often in vain
To send you back home better than you came.

But to prolong life often means to suffer.
So I have another gift that I can offer.

I can be your escort to death;
Be a witness to your last breath.

I will guide you on your final journey.
Give you comfort and numb your hurting.

Don't be afraid, you won't be alone,
For I am watching over you as one of my own.

I stop my tears til I can release them later.
I'll walk you to the doorway. I am the gatekeeper.

There's been a death, and I can feel it.
The death of the love you promised me.

You promised to love in sickness and health,
But I can tell in your eyes you despise me.

What did I do, where did I go wrong?
When did I become not enough for you?

You chose pretend women and imaginary worlds
You chose literally anything but me.

My tears mean nothing when I plead with you.
And now like an enemy you attack me.

You once promised to always protect,
But now you're the greatest danger to me.

So don't you see that's why I must leave.
The man you were is dead.

I am a widow, and I'm mourning the death
Of the man who used to love me.

I never could've known the life we'd have
When we were young and drunk on discovery.

When you walked into my life like light flooding a room,
I never could've imagined what we'd build together.

As I hold the children you gave me in my arms,
The culmination of our intertwined hearts,
I feel so rich and full and satisfied.

I didn't know then, but I know now, just how beautiful it is to open your heart to another.