This letter is truly and doubtlessly a letter to the only person who will be left when everyone else is gone. To the woman of my life. To my love, my life, my everything. To me.

Dear me,

You, the way you are, are perfect. You, with your little struggles you bear, with all the strength you carry so desperately around, finding a way to use it in your everyday life. You, with all your words stuck in your throat that you are so scared to say out loud – so you write them down.
You, with your smart-***-mouth trying to make this world a better place. You, who has already realized that you must better yourself first to better others. You are all through perfect in your own way.
And yes, times were tough back then, but you were tougher. You mastered to overcome your biggest fear – the fear to stand for what you want and to love yourself entirely.
And even though, your selflove has improved so much over these past few years, you must learn a lot, you will have to endure a lot of pain and gain a lot of strength.
Selflove is a lifetime process.

My wonderful, beautiful love,
You carry mountains on your back and universes in your mind.
And every single day you wake up you are a better version of yourself.
Whatever you wish to do – do so! This is your life and you have to hold the upper hand in it. You have to be your own master.
Yes, let life be taught by others. Watch them live, but never become someone else while observing.
God did his best in making you special and unique – do not destroy his work of art in imitating.

Learn.
Observe.
Master.

Once you can rely on yourself, you are ready to change the world.
The world is waiting for you to make it the place it deserves to be.
A good place, a place with no fear, with no terror.
A place people can feel secure and loved.
Make this not only a vision but the reality.
Do your best and whatever you have reached at the end of the day – you DID your best.
You were great, and you could not have done any better.

I am proud of you.
And I love you.


To the dearest, most beautiful person on this planet, me.

debating whether i am allowed
to go out of the house at 8pm
or not
“because i might get *****”

debating whether i am allowed
to wear that skirt that goes little above my knees
or not
“because i might get *****”

debating whether i am allowed
to meet up with a guy
or not
“because i might get *****”

debating whether i am allowed
to stay at my friends house when they have older brothers
or not
“because i might get *****”

debating whether i am allowed
to go on a school trip
or not
“because i might get *****”

Do you see this?
Do you see the reason they give for a woman to not do certain things?
****.

How can we live in this world
peacefully
when we have to fear for our lives
almost every moment

I did not fall in love with his eyes
or his face at all
I fell in love with his words
the way he combined 26 letters
the way he made them sound like
heaven to me
the way he made me feel all special
I fell in love with words
I like to say that I fell in love with him
but it was not him I loved
it was the words he used
it was not him, only him
it has never been him

When we say this we refer to men as
rather unhuman beings
machines
as beings who are not supposed to
show their feelings
show their tears
show their hurt
show their passion
show what they love to do
when we say "Man up!"
We usually mean
"dont act like a girl, you are bettter than that"
"dont be this feminine"
"boys dont cry"
"boys shouldnt like ballet"
"boys shouldnt do this, shouldnt do that"
"you run like a girl"

Yes, you can man up.
Man up!
Man up for what you feel is right and not for what society thinks is right.
Man up without bringing yourself down.

Man. Up. For. Your. Self.
and only for yourself.

it clicked between us
it clicked
i dont know if it was
the gun
or just us
but at least, it clicked

but who am I

just a young girl
falling in love with words

falling in love not with you but with the idea of you









I don't even know what love is

time does not define your
interpersonal realtionships!

you could know somebody
your whole **** life
and still dislike them
and still distrust them
and still feel uncomfortable

you could know somebody
two hours
and suddenly
have hope again

When I first touched his hand
it felt like burning little stars
boiling the blood in my veins
the heat rushing through my body
reaching my heart

your face seems so calm
as if
you know
whats going to happen next
"i dare you"
i say and smile
"what else"
you ask
as you put the little figure down
and suddenly
"checkmate"

i am aware of the loss
yet
i am still hoping
"i won"
"i know"
i say
"what are you waiting for then"
"i dont know"
i say
my eyes burn
i try to fight back those tears
traitors
"i won"
you say
"i won"
again

i shake my head
"i dont care"
"but i won"
"lets play one more time"
i beg

i never beg

you look confused but do not refuse
"another one"
i position my king
you position yours
"what if you lose"
you look at me
gently
"then i lost"
i position my queen
you position yours
"the queen is indeed the mightiest of all"
i say
as i do the opening move

you put on your pokerface
i dont bother putting mine on
"your turn"
"this leads to nothing"
you say
you see it
dont you

you
are
losing

the game goes on
"this leads to nothing"
you say
again
I crack a smile
my fingers set the next move
this is your end

you stare at me
i grin
your face filled with
pain

"checkmate"
you say





maybe you really suffered more
even when you won

youve once asked me to explain the world to you
and
when i look into your eyes the world is self explanatory


du hast mich einmal gebeten dir die welt zu erklären
und
wenn ich in deine augen schaue erklärt sich die welt von selbst

The problem is not even that im giving others second chances.
The problem is that i give myself seconds chances to give them to others.

Does that make sense?

By loving him I allowed him
entering holy parts of my mind
building himself an empire in
my centre to only start playing
war in it

destroying all I had built up for so long

And every time you even
think of disrespecting a woman
for whatever reason
keep in mind
who gave birth to you

certainly not an arrogant disrespecting *******

Last night -
When I thought I am finally free
When I was happy
Laughing and drinking
- I saw you
In someone else




It hurt

My god, do i hate coffee.
Yet, I am still drinking it.

It tastes like the moment you decided to leave me.

Bitter.

The drunk man greets me
Cold rain and wind kiss my body
A miserable year is coming

- a haiku about 31.12.2018 by me

What would I give
For those sweet hands of his
Floating over the keys of the piano
To touch me just this once
And make me play
the most beautiful tones

i loved myself today
amidst all of this stress
amidst all of this negativity
i decided
to take a moment
to just love myself






i feel better now

"Without meditation life is a brief candle, with deep meditation life is an eternal light."
-somebody in the comment section of youtube quoting Amit Ray

They say
You should start moving on
You are hurting yourself
Waiting for something
That is not going to happen
They say

I want to turn off the sound of the world
Too loud
Too much
Too hurtful
I feel how I am breaking
Is this what love is supposed to be?

Move on
Move on
They keep saying
I am a prisoner to my own thoughts
To their words
A circus

Here I am
With words of the others in my head
“Move on, there is no point in waiting.”

Here I am
Sitting next to the love of my life
Waiting for him to wake up








Or to keep sleeping for eternity


-how I would feel if I were her

tata je znao
znao je prije mene i mame
znao je
i patio je duze od nas
patio i patio je
dok smo se nadali
on je znao
i sa slomljenim srcem
je zivio gotovo dvije godine
rekli su nam
a moj tata
on rekao je
da je znao
u njemu ni jedna nada
nije zivjela
samo znanje

znao je
da Amira nece biti vise dugo

my father knew
he knew before me and mom
he knew
and he suffered longer than us
he suffered and suffered
while we were hoping
he knew
and with a broken heart
he lived almost two years
they told us
and my father
he said
that he knew
inside him not one hope
has lived
only the knowledge

he knew
that Amir won't be any longer

And they were arguing
If you can call it arguing
When one person speaks
And the other one is silent
Anyway she was sitting on one side
He was sitting on the other side
The sun hit her face and she had to pinch her eyes to see him
And he was talking and talking
Sometimes you could hear him say "Dont you have anything to say about it" and "today is your last chance to speak to me at all"
She kept her mouth shut
He wasnt used to her doing so
She usually wants to have the last word
no matter what or where or when
He got angry
Not primarily angry at the situation
Not in that moment
But more about her not arguing back
He was angry that she did not even try to save whats left of them
She stayed silent for the most part
Until he started accusing her
"I cant believe that you were able to feign all of this to me. I cant believe that you only played with me. Nothing you ever told me is true, is it"
And she slipped
"How DARE you say this?"
And he laughed. The sound that came out was so so bitter sweet
"How can you be so cold hearted. How can you lie to my face" he said
she hated him a little bit.
She wanted to stay calm
But she caught herself feeling weaker each second
"Say. Something."
"I didnt lie. I didnt." She turned away so that he couldnt see her face.
He sat next to her, knees barely touching
"When we were together - were you happy?"
She nodded at the grass, her shoes, at anything but at him.
"Look at me" he begged her
She couldnt but she had to
And he said "Look at me and tell me if you were happy when we were together"
And she said "not 100 percently"
And almost as if he was struck by 1000 lightnings he got up
And she turned away
And she cried
And he left
And she cried
Before he left he cursed
Before he left he gave her the smallest kiss of this entire universe
On her hair
And said "from this moment on, we dont know each other"
And then he really left
And he really left her crying

He really left her crying
On that ****** park bench

"We must admit
Science people can prove a point (theoretically speaking)
More easily than philosophers
If they want to show how gravity works
All they need to do is jump out of a window
Macabre!"
F=(G x m x M)/r²
God exists.

"Behold!"
He said.
"I was sent to lead all of you to the right path."
He said.
His eyes narrowed as his attention drew over to me.
"Young lady, overthere. What is your name?"
I looked at him suspiciously.
I did not say my name.
"Young lady, are you the daughter of the filthy man in the shack?"
I withstood his piercing look as I said "Yes" with the most confident voice.
"I indeed am the daughter of the filthy man in the shack. Why?"
He smiled widely and looked around. The villagers not daring to make a sound.
"She can talk! Oh, sweet lady. How come? How come your father is rotting in a shack and you are dressed this nicely?"
I looked away, not in shame but for the sake of the people. I did not want a blood bath. Not infront of them.
"Behold!"
His voice was filled with sudden rage and passion, both at the same time. I glanced up to see.
He pointed the pike of his gleaming crested sword at me.
"Behold, villagers!"
I saw a hidden sneer before his face turned dark and harmful
"A witch."

I could be a bad person
not for what i have done
not for what i have said
but for what i am thinking

i could be a bad person
as easy as that
i would be capable of it
thinking about manipulating people
thinking about how to gain their trust
just to use them as tools
thinking about how to make them fall for me
so heavily
thinking about how to make them think that i am a great person
thinking about how to get through their wall, sneaking in and then suffocating them without them even realising that this is me behind all of this damage

i could be a bad person in a matter of seconds
i could be a bad person if i wanted to

i feel as if my brain
is manipulating itself actually
i feel as if i am my own manipulator
trapped but in full control

i could be so much
yet
i am so happy
that i decided to be the best
i can be

i could be a bad person
but i would never

you are my
weltschmerz

i asked her if she knows when this will end
she gave me a sad look



i guess it wont be over that soon

It was the cigarette
You lit when you stood infront of me
And did not say a word
You did not offer me one
You usually do

It was the cigarette
You lit when i lit mine
I asked for your lighter
You gave it to me silently

I talked
You listened
I begged you to say something, anything
You said "It is what it is"
I went on talking
You went on listening










We kissed.






It was the cigarette you lit
After offering me one
It was me who declined
As I took my own pack
And lit my own cigarette

That was the end.

my god
i need you
not only for
being here
loving me
with all your heart
i need you
to touch me
in places a boy
could never think of
touching me
because he is
just a boy
i want you to
whisper my name
with your deep voice
making me heart race
my stomach turn around
and
making me all longing
my god
i need you

He asked me what I desire the most right now.
I looked at him with a dead stare and just said "***"
In this very moment - when he started smiling broadly - I could already hear his "Yes"
A chuckle.
He paused.
"Can I at least take you on a date before?"

I remember the first and last time I cried my soul out for you.
It was as if something inside of me
Died in that very moment

It was
When everything I have put effort in
For us
Broke into thousands of pieces
And you could not put them back together anymore
Not without slicing your everything open
That day
When i cried because of you
It was indeed
As if something in me died

And I did not want to admit it
But it was you inside of me
Dying that day


~ the first and last time I cried my soul out for you

The last few months were a mess
and I did not know how to handle life at this point
i was out of mind
i was stressed out
i had no energy
but most of all i was scared of the changes

2018 was a very strange year and i would have never imagined it like this
did not expect this much pain
did not expect this much tragedy and horrors

i stopped writing.
i did not try it any longer
a few small poems but nothing too much
the moment i stopped writing
the moment my heart let go of this need
i was filled with an unknowing void
it claimed my heart and soul
and i let it pass
oh, how stupid i was

now
i got tickled by a small idea in my head
something to write
to tell
to share
i sat infront of my laptop
and suddenly it hit me
i started shaking
i was scared of writing

i realized
i was scared of writing because when i write
i am the most honest to myself

Dear L,

i fell in love unintentionally
i didnt plan it
i didnt want it
it just happened

it was no mistake
you make me feel some kind of way
that i cannot explain
im comfortable around you
you are good for me
the way you are

and still
i love you

i am so sorry
for what will be
for all the sadness i will
put us through

i am drained
for our love is wrong in so many ways
it doesnt feel like it
and it shouldnt be wrong
and yet
it still is

do you understand that
i just want to be happy
and i just want you
to be happy
but both wont work

I didnt want to have to choose
i didnt want that
i just wanted to follow
my heart
to see where it will take me
i didnt want to have to
choose

this will be the saddest
i have ever gone through


i love you so much
it hurts

And even though your smile
is the one thing you hate
about yourself the most,
I can't help but
fall in love with it.

He said it
Out of desperation
And annoyance
Yet
I enjoyed
Every single letter of it

his touch gave me
goosebumps

When you look at a night sky
Freckled with dots of
Unanswered questions
She is the person
You search for answers in

mom
why would you ever break my heart
with your words
made of steel
with your behaviour
made of ice

why would you ever break my heart
just like that

why does everything i do seem so
wrong for you
why cant i ever be
simply RIGHT for you

why would you break my heart
in millions and millions of pieces
and every time i pick them up
and glue them together
your words shatter my heart
again and again

whats left is a vague memory
of a once hopeful soul
now drying out in the desert called
"I have probably never been enough for you"