The smell of bacon in the air
My toes cold on the tile floors
You wrap your arms around my waist
Sending warm vibes to my core
We dance in old pajamas all day
And move the furniture around
Making forts and playing games
To music so loud it pounds
We cuddle with popcorn and movies
Maybe I would let you pick
Falling asleep in each others arms
And then sleeping until just six
It all seemed so perfect
In my minds eye
But then I woke up this morning
And wished to speed up time

One more drink down and you're good to go
Hit the lights, baby, and you'll steal the show
With a pretty ******* one arm and a number on the other
Dancing to the beat because there's nothing better
For you to do than waste the memories away until you forget being you
But they don't see your bloodshot eyes or your terrors at night
Hitting the walls until your soul feels right
Simply because living isn't worth the fight
You say you're fine but they don't know better
And no one is here for you this time
You're coping with shots and drunken nights
Waking up to the pounding of your head when nothing seems right
So you glance in the mirror and you hate what you see
Because they don't know you're nothing without me
And when you finally get back to sleep
You dream of pink chiffon and messy sheets
And nothing has changed since the first day I left
Except for the piles of pictures I never kept
So when I think of you this is what I see
Maybe because I know you too well or maybe because you don't know me
I know how you cope and I know how you cry
So when they can see you fall apart so can I
But I'll just laugh at your misery
Because you never cared when I cried at night
So really babe why should I?

You slipped a rose into my chest
But love like that I can't just forget
Even roses have thorns that tear everything apart
The petals dripped red from the bleeding of my heart
I never thought anything could be killed with love
And now nothing can be as it was
So I'll pluck the floral arrow just to bleed even more
But I don't regret anything I said or did before
With every memory of your warm arms or your voice
A rotting petal falls to the ground like morbid confetti in a sickly rejoice
And now whenever I see your face in reality or in my minds eye
The scar starts to burn and I turn out the lights
I guess that's what I get for welcoming you and your roses
So now I'll take my shots of love in smaller doses
Because thorns don't outweigh bitter words and fleeting love
When everything seemed like more than it truly was

The world doesn't understand
Poetry isn't for eyes to see-
It's not to be deciphered by the masses
But for the heart to feel
Don't pick it apart like a puzzle
Because in pieces there's nothing to be
You need to view it as a while
Because the emotions packed between the pieces
Are just as painfully real

Everything is different and everything has changed
But I guess I'm the only one to blame
Because now words that used to exist are erased
And pictures that were once there are missed
I can still feel you in my words
Go away-you don't need to be heard
I don't need to hear you in every melody
Because why do I need to suffer more
Something has to make memories disappear so I can forget
But I just can't seem to figure out what that is

blood drips off of a melting clock
feathers fluttering on the ground
one shot: two birds
falling apart and stumbling around
blurred eyes make living hard
i can't see what's in front of me
you and i together for(n)ever
fire set to names carves in trees
rosy cheeks and bloodshot eyes
snow falling through the gloomy air
frozen tears from angels fall
and we won't why we're even there
i see you breaking and i hear your cries
in my haunting dreams at night
i wake up but i'm too scared of seeing nothing
to even turn on the light

I shuffle through old drawings like old friends
As bits of a crumbling rose falls to the blue sheets to meet an end
The flowers are falling apart and the ribbons coming undone
This might have been a year in the making but I didn't expect this from anyone
So are the pictures worth the lies and the lies worth the pain?
I guess I'll bury them back in the box anyway
How could it have been "real" when all you wrote were words
And looking back it was all paragraphs that I never really heard
Where did the game go when someone rewrote the rules
Where no one can win and no one can lose
I just don't understand and I guess that's okay
Because it's not like anything meant anything anyway
I guess I'm just bad at reading between the lines
And everything will be as "real" as it is "fine"

Do you have a byline?
Do you have a name?
I swear it's always changing
Why are you never the same?

Are you just a teaser
For something that lies beneath?
A shabby, broken prelude
Like chipped and shiny teeth

Maybe you're a template
Rigid, with ****-ups here and there
Burried beneath the words assigned
That are too specific to spare

I bet you're just an issue
Filled with pages of opinions and concerns
Wishing to step away from your stand
But you're just too much to burn.

Cloudy skies and murky air
Stirring anger and breaking fair
Falling leaves and screaming loud
Wind whipping away all our shouts
Our hearts fall with the leaves
When autumn peeks it's face on trees
Rain falls and then it stops
And we all wonder if it will be a little or a lot
As the leaves lose color we lose faith
Knowing that cold is coming to freeze over the mess we made
Lights go quick and dark lasts longer
Summer romances fade away and give us time to ponder
Do we start something new
Or let everything old be done and through
We trample leaves and trample stars
Breaking piles and breaking hearts.

We took a picture that day
And I saw something in your eyes
All your love and all your fears
Looking back and now I can see
We were flying, flying, flying like a plane
Baby, back when we were sane
Now we're falling, falling, falling
Standing out in the rain-we were going insane
Waiting at your doorstep and ignoring the pain
We're falling apart with the rain

You were my rainstorm and my love story
Breaking down and then down pouring
Thrashing winds right through my worries
Cold hearts making heart strings blurry
Remember when you said "I love you"
Remember when I loved you back
I tried so hard and you broke me
The monsters came up from the sea
Now I'm falling and I can't breathe
I'm drowning, drowning, drowning under the sea

My lipstick on your cheek
I said goodbye and now you hate me
The rain washed away all our tears
But up grew pain and all our fears
Maybe we need to let this go
Maybe, baby, but I don't know

You were my rainstorm and my love story
Breaking down and then down pouring
Thrashing winds right through my worries
Cold hearts making heart strings blurry
Remember when you said "I love you"
Remember when I loved you back
I tried so hard and you broke me
The monsters came up from the sea
Now I'm falling and I can't breathe
I'm drowning, drowning, drowning under the sea

The rain came down and we went up
Setting fire to all we love
Smoke rising so far above
Reaching for something we know not of
Breathing toxins and breaking up
I still love you but it's too much
Calm down babe it's not about love
Start listening and start living
But don't keep forcing me to believe
Because all that does is make me want to leave

I tried so hard and you broke me
The monsters came up from the sea
Now I'm falling and I can't breathe
I'm drowning, drowning, drowning
Now I'm falling and I can't breathe
(Drowning, drowning, drowning)
Under the sea

All dressed up in silk and gems
A key around her neck
It unlocks the mirrors to take her to another place
So she can find her own time and space
As she tumbles down the endless tunnel
A wonderland rabbit hole
She lost everything in the dark
She traded her soul to go somewhere she wouldn't be so alone
She lands with a thud on the bright green grass
And she can't believe her eyes
Trees that stretch beyond the sky
And caterpillars that never turn to butterflies
She met a caterpillar and she met a mad hatter
But even know when she glances back
She doesn't know if that was good or bad
She met a cat with a wide eye smile
And a purple, striped tail
Through the woods and through the curse
The two of them could prevail
Until he vanished just when she thought she found someone
Disappearing into an inky sky
She questions her place and worth
With a lake of tears to cry

I'm on one side of a wall and you're on the other
How do things end up like this
You're disappearing
And I'm taking cover
So much for perfect bliss
We're pushing and pulling
And plaster is falling
Leaving dusty footprints on the scene
But there's nothing but empty space anymore
Maybe I've left or maybe I've gone missing
It's all the same
Because with no one around I'm going insane
I just want things to be like they way they were
Where instead of a wall it was just an unlocked door
And my clothes smelled like you after an hour or so
And no one told us what to do because no one really knows
I've left the walls behind and I'm floating in space
My eyes are going dark and I'm running in place
So I'll write on the walls because it makes me think of you
And it's not like there's anything else I can do.

Shrouded by a jacket (it was blue and plaid)
I tripped over myself and glanced around but nothing was said
I remember it clearly: a flash of lime green and brown hair
I spun around in shock-wondering if he was still there
I stood there for a minute and watched him walk away
I wanted to run after him that day
But I just kept walking and look where we are now
Still getting lost among the crowds
But when I picked up my phone he replied
That wouldn't happen this time

I walked inside the gym and scanned the crowds on the floor
Not that I knew what I was looking for
I texted for him to stand up and he said no
So I was searching for an imaginary friend on my own
I walked up awkwardly and he smiled and played with his hands
I didn't know what that meant back then
So I sat down and started to talk and I guess you could say we got along well
But I was turned around watching for someone else

My eyes flitted around in the dark
I bit my lip as the years started
The choice was out in the open:
You or him
But I was young and stupid (still am)
And I walked away with blood on my hands
Leaving song lyrics hanging in the silence
And the stifled sound of my crying
And I listened to "Stay" over and over again
You said please understand
But I didn't
And you still left

I remember my shaking hands as I walked up his drive way
But when he opened the door with a smile everything melted away
And he said I looked nice but I didn't know what to say
So I croaked out something like "you do too"
Good God, his eyes were so blue
And I remember dancing and laughing about a girl we both knew
And there were the lights
They seemed to be so bright
And in that moment everything was right
The next morning I buried it away in a box
It's still there-wouldn't want it to get lost
Detox just to retox

"Two" you said when they asked how many
I want to say it was a Wednesday
And I was wearing paint splattered pants
And you were wearing a Fall Out Boy shirt that I want
Along with plaid that totally didn't match
He was SUCH a good catch
When we sat down I scanned the menu like a cheap date
And spilled water all over myself and hoped he didn't see my face
(I don't think he did)
It was just a little awkward at first
But I suppose it could've been worse
It's not like it was a date, after all
So I held my head high and stood tall
And ordered the exact same thing he did

It was Halloween the last time I saw you
And I was wearing your shirt
And it smelled like you and musty basement
We had just gotten home when you walked in
And the whole night kind of seemed wasted
We played a game, I think
But it's not like it mattered who won
We were kind of in our own little world
And I was hoping you wouldn't go home
We all piled on each other to watch a movie
And I told you not to sing
All we did was talk the whole time
Not that it meant anything
I was a little to comfortable in your arms
And wanted you to hold me tighter
When the lights flickered down
I thought I might fall asleep and that would've been alright
We talked until about 2 am that night
Not that I minded at all
I think I missed you a little too much
And I tripped and started to fall

I love the way your eyes light up when you smile
Like the amber sun dipping towards the ground
I love the way you see right through me
How you somehow know i'm always down
You can sing with a choir of angles
But don't ask me how that sounds
Your nonsense babbling is adorable
But you sure can argue and mess around
You're passive and aggressive
I think it depends on the day
And you don't know how beautiful you are
Or how your butterfly eyes fly away

Quietly, you roam my shadows
Those of thoughts that used to be
Among dead feelings under headstones
That, thanks to you, are awakening
You leave no footprints
Where your ghostly form resides
In the crevice under my heart
And between my veins inside
I want escape; I need it
But you inject poison into me-
Blood laced with flattery and soaked in haunting memories
My head spins, as does my heart
Blurry images are all I see
I don't know who I am
And I've lost my grip on reality
I hate you; I hate you
Why can't you just leave me alone?
Pack up your syringes and needles
Because I'm to disoriented to make you go
I try to move my fingers
But I am no longer my own
Whose am I is the a question
And why can't I rule on the throne?

It whistled as it ran
Its footsteps sank into wet ground
Wet with the blood of her tears
That fell without a sound
It ruffled the grass
And the blades danced along
Swaying to the beat of the drums
And only she can hear the song
A black umbrella, she carried
But it tried to lift away
She fought to keep it in her hands
But like her dignity, it escaped
She saw them clawing up
Their festered hands polluted the soil
But she could do nothing about it
Because no one else ever sees her turmoil
Her footsteps crushed their bones
But they had persistent hues
Hues, but not souls
And a new soul, she grew
She had too much compassion
And now has her own personal ghost
Tracing her every step
Encouraging to leave her post
He made her weak
But it was her mistake
She dug up his heart again
And make the vault of souls quake
Never again, she said
And let his heart go free
But it remained still in her hand
And she ceased to breathe

Don't lie to me
You know when I'm there and you know when I'm not
But maybe I'm only relevant when you're lonely and I'm lost

And I won't lie to you
Because when you stood up there and sang with that girl
It all but broke my heart
Because one week ago I was in your room and you were in my arms

But honestly
I feel better about this than I ever have before
Because my heart didn't stop and my veins didn't clench when you walked through the door

I've been denying it but
It's not like it was a great night or even a great hookup

And I don't need or lie to myself
Pretending that you're worth it
In your Hawaiian shirt
On ******* December first

You're the kind of guy that people write teen fiction novels about
But not for me, babe, don't hear me out
I'm going to just walk far, far away
Maybe you really didn't see me there anyway

"Hey babe :)"
I said
And "Hey baby"
Said he
"Heyy"
I said
"Oh well"
Said me:
"Maybe he's busy"
"He always is"
Said the voice, taunting
"Maybe he's working"
"Isn't he always?"
Said they.
"He's too busy for me."
On the depressing, I feed
"But he loved you."
Their words flew
"Shut up, mind. He doesn't anymore."
"What a ******."
"I have Nick."
"And you're sick."
"No. I love him."
"And so do we, that's why he wins."
"You aren't even real."


*"But we're what you feel."

i feel an addict
with my head swimming in chemicals and hormones
wishing for things that could never be
maybe it's called hallucinating
i'm feeling things that shouldn't be there
this happiness is so artificial it's not fair
soon i'll come crashing down
a ****** after a high
just loving him to get by
and i'll ***** my arms until i can feel
something that seems just as real
don't take this away
let me have my high
because it never lasts long anyway
i only want to get my-

....

Despite everything
There’s something
About
Texting someone under
The table
At holidays,
Hoping no one will
Ask you
Their name
Or
Their status
Because
Despite everything
There’s something
About loving
Without
labels and
Friendship without
Names
And once it’s said
Aloud
It doesn’t mean as much
Anymore

there’s something about the way i’ve hit my
head on the awards on the wall
that makes me love
this place.
it’s the specks of maroon in the evergreen carpet
and the way we
used to sit on the table too
close together.
i love the way that the wheels
of the chairs catch on the computer cords
and the coffee stains
on the floor.
it’s the whiteboard we built
and the movie
we watched
and all
all
all
of the ink smeared on
our fingers and our
faces
that makes me wish i could never forget this
and also that i entirely,
completely
could.

Late night questions that make us both feel and paper airplanes dance to the rhythm of a Taylor Swift song
The fridge is open and it's dark outside
But the only light we need is from each others eyes
Because not even the stars believe what they're seeing
On late night walks the snow dusts our hair like confetti
And the sky smiles down on us and wonders why we didn't think of it sooner
Our shared hot chocolate has red lipstick on the rim
And I still can't believe that I'm looking at him
With linked hands we cuddle on the couch with a movie we intended to see
But just end up talking through the entire thing
But one can't forget about the screaming and fights where you won't feel enough
And I'll feel a little too much
Your eyes are a rainstorm and I am the sea
Both fighting to win and fighting to release
I swear we'll be a hopeless mess in every way
But I think I wouldn't want it any other way

what are you doing spreading rumors
when you know they metastasize like tumors
and that it'd get back to me eventually
maybe you aren't honest-not completely
we aren't broken up, you *****
even though it's what you want, you don't get your wish
you think you're the victim-he broke your heart
but honey he was mine from the start
he liked me first, second, and last
and maybe you were just his one and a half
i can't stop you from seeing him
that would make me a hypocrite
but keep your sickly sweet words to yourself
or better yet save them for someone else

i wonder if your brain is like a hot, summer day
with angry bees and frazzled thoughts
and dish soap bubbles and synapses that pop

i wonder if you write the words to your own songs
that you sing when you're tired, broken, and alone
or when it's three am and your apartment's just too ******* cold

i wonder if you wake up dreaming of kings and queens and ghosts
and how life used to be in the bedroom of your childhood house
without any of the rent or the rust or the faults

i wonder if you fall asleep thinking of someone else
someone in black and plaid with dyed and matted hair
because you probably have a type that's maybe not me and it's unfair

i wonder if your heart is always falling apart
because everything has no reason and every reason to do without
no matter how hard someone like me tries or how loud i could shout.

It's 10:55 on December 27th and I swear that I
will be able to forget the constellation freckles on your arms
and how you shoved the "passive aggressive" note you asked me to write like I used to
into your bag and shrugged it off when I asked like--
like you don't know your own charm.

It told you to "stop messing around on Facebook and write your **** :)",
which may have been the last thing I would ever tell you to do--
I forget--
just like you forgot how much you missed my notes and reminders and all of it
(except for me).

So, if you can forget about every Sunday night
and the way your fingers danced on my ankle and my thigh,
then I can pretend I never loved you in a way I swore no one else could
because, to this day, I'm upset that you seem to think that there was anyone else besides you
in this endless universe that ever would
do.

I will forget the way you said my name when you were tired, frustrated, and alone,
and the way you asked me to get wine drunk,
because the 150 reasons that I was in love with you
are the same reasons that I need to let you go, too.

Bookshelves are like apartment complexes,
with woody browns and dusty greys that they
just won’t let you paint over.

Rick Riordan and J. K. Rowling live with
their best friend, Cassandra Clare,
in the penthouse,
because we all had great childhood loves
filled with library-book paper cuts
and worn and scotch-taped pages.

Tolkien is merely an elevator ride below
and Austen is only a cheap oak door away,
because they are as dramatic as pre-teen girls were about Justin Bieber,  
and traveling to Mordor and
loving Mr. Darcy
is basically the same anyway.

But Frost and Dickinson live across the hall from
Hughes and Homer,
because everyone stops for death and
roads less traveled by,
and even though no one ever saw Emily,
they all thought they were very popular.

The bottom floor is filled with sundry residents
that no one sees as they come and go.
They just hear the dogs barking and doors slamming,
(Old Man Shakespeare wants them to leave him alone.)
but every teen fiction novel has a Romeo and Juliet story
and a broken boy and a dog.

And so if bookshelves are like apartment complexes?
Where will I live, and
could I even be
a resident?

I remember being as angry as you are now
Wondering who, and what, and when, and where and how
And I remember questioning how you could lie about someone for so long
Swearing you liked someone with stupid hair and bare arms

And I distinctly remember breaking when you asked him out
Even though it was stupid and high school and it doesn't matter now
You guys are best friends now, too, I think
And that still really truly baffles me

Because we have both ****** up and we both have lied
And it's been over stupid things and feelings and guys
But being friends as adults, I think
Is realizing that people will never be perfect and that's why they drink

It's about taking responsibility and moving on
And I don't know what else you want to me to say 'cause honestly, he's gone
I'm sorry and I'm sorry and yeah I was wrong
But I was angry for who knows how long

So if you ever need me I guess I'll be here
Because that's what I did before and after we shed a couple tears
And talked **** about each other and ran around in circles
We just wrote a couple poems and wrote a couple verses

I completely understand where you are coming from
So that's why I'm not upset or in denial or pleading that I didn't do anything wrong
Because it wasn't supposed to happen that way, and well, it did
But that's life, and maybe you'll learn that eventually
Just like I did.

I need you to take everything that you're feeling right now
And everything that I just told you to do
And realize that I feel that way every single day
And that's the only reason I could try and help you
I need you to put yourself in my place
And realize that honestly being friends ***** more than you'd ever think
Especially when you're heart breaks for so much more
The other person just isn't interested in it

I ******* up
I know
And I'm sorry
I did the same thing I did before
And now I'm worrying
Can this be fixed again
Or are you done when things have barely began
I was scared
And I'm sorry
I just panicked and vision went blurry
It's done now
I did it
And now I'm here
So if you want something with this
Let me know
Otherwise I don't expect to hear from you
I know how you work
Even when you say you're not hurt

I've learned that there's a difference
Between a wordsmith and anything but
When they say they're always thinking of you
And it lies less in the handwriting
And more in the meaning itself

it could be an adventure through outer space
inhaling poison gasses and sneezing constellations into place
while scattering the dusty footprints on the planets
riding on the toxic waves of acid tangents

or a trip through the Atlantic in an orange submarine
falling in love or laughing until our eyes bleed
watching life in the real world from afar
under sea level and into his arms

it could be a trek in the forrest in my dreams
picking black wildflowers and catching sunset beams
sleeping under cotton-candy clouds
his broken voice fills my heart and pungent sound

it could be sleeping with the fishes or bathing in mushroom clouds
jumping into the end of the world without fear or doubt
the apocalypse is upon us now
ignoring the protests and the crowds and the shouts

and he and i would be an impossibility
just like all of these other things

The shooting stars are falling and the pocket full of stars had a leak
And any kind of lullaby gives me night terrors when I sleep
Times up: game's over and this is how it ends
Remember when you didn't want to be just friends?
You never were one for basic lyrics and cliches
But I guess some stanzas just end up that way
I'm sorry to say I don't believe in magic anymore
Because it's all just a hoax
Put on by small men in dark cloaks
You know we both made mistakes and that's okay
But keeping this to yourself definitely takes the cake
You know there's a reason my head usually says no
Because you were a bad idea and for heaven's sake, I should've known
You know I had no idea what you were going to say
But it still came out of your mouth anyway
Sometimes love is stupid and I wasn't the one
I guess I should have known that but now you're in on the fun