She wishes only to be free
escaping from her enemy
but storm clouds roll and follow her
she wonders if they’ll ever let her be

Ocean roaring load and fierce
against the low plane it may pierce
but her attitude will stay strong
just like her red hair, striking and fierce

One day she knows she will get away
darkness surrounding her doesn’t have to stay
she just keeps moving on
and working hard for the day

Light bounces off the cold metal,
A ****** blade begging for skin.
Pant leg pulled up above her ankle,
Looking for an escape from sin.

Crimson forming behind the glide,
Not too deep she's in control.
The knot within comes untied,
She watches as the feelings roll.

She keeps fighting this battle,
One she feels she may not win.
But her blade in turn is evil,
Instead it will let him in.

The rush wears off she runs to hide,
Into the comfort of her hole.
She knows she'd have rather died,
Than live with this broken soul.

A bath prepared
steaming hot
candles lit
meditation

Soak for a while
fingers prune
mind eases
relaxation

Time nonexistent
scents of lilacs
muscles unwind
appreciation

Look in the mirror, what do I see?
You're standing in the hall, screaming at me.
"Attitude Girl, you're so full of lies.
Shut up now and go dry your eyes."

Look in the mirror, what do I see?
You're looking down, criticizing me.
"Sit up straight, quit licking your lips."
Your words still sting like leather whips.

Look in the mirror, what do I see?
Your glare so stern, burning holes into me.
Shaking your head slowly in disapproval.
Like no one before making me feel so shameful.

Look in the mirror, what do I see?
The same person staring back at me.
A scowl fueled by hate and anger,
For all I see is my mother's failure.

Today I took a bath.
Turned the lights down low.
Cold drink.
Lo-Fi beats.
Pax.
Today I took a bath.
The water steaming hot.
Face mask.
Bath bomb.
Relax.
Today I took a bath.
Recover from the day before.
Clean body.
Candles lit.
Lilacs.

All my demons are liars
placing fear into me
they tell me this is forever
and never shall I be free

There’s anxiety banging at my door
giving me lots of worries
he has a monstrous grip and
with one hand my fun he does seize

Depression slips right in
like a serpent on the loose
always telling me life should end
and to stick my head in a noose

Bipolar jumps around the room
making each wave greater than the last
Hypo-mania is her companion
with long nights thinking of the past

PTSD sits in the corner and waits
for the opportune moment
just when you think you’re safe
he pulls his gruesome stunt

Addiction’s constant nagging
to let her com on in
will have me in a bottle
or a blade dragging across my skin

Yes all my demons are liars
they’re constantly in my head
dealing with them every day
fills me with never ending dread

Another day stuck in my head
just wishing that I were dead
probably going straight to hell
but it’s all just as well

People think I am living paranoid
but they just don’t know this void
bipolar lows have got me down
dark thoughts I’m sure to drown

Feel like **** on the daily
about to give in to this
feel like **** on the daily
don’t be afraid of my slit wrists

Demons telling me ***** things
trying to ruin all my dreams
turning me into a cold blooded figure
my PTSD the beasts trigger

Can’t handle this anymore
walking through self harm’s door
will it lead to suicide?
Only one way to find out and try

Feel like **** on the daily
about to give in to this
feel like **** on the daily
don’t be afraid of my slit wrists

He has her within his grasp
his grip growing stronger
making it hard to breathe now.
His fingers grow like vines
and intertwine with each other,
making her escape impossible.
His eyes are red and glowing
his tongue split like a snake
with muscles bulging with strength.
How will she escape this Demon
his clutch is mighty and strong
she needs to run before her death.
His only desire is her soul
he shall **** it from her chest
and leave behind a barren shell.

Christmas can be a terrible mess
for those of us with daunting memories
yet we have kids of our own
that we have to please

We stuff our feelings down
ignoring the nightmares had
checking things off their list
hoping they will be glad

Come Christmas morning
our mind is in an awful fog
a haze we won’t let our children see
that lasts all day long

Memories of anger or hate
sometimes even children ***
we sit and remember hell
wondering what will happen next

If you’re anything like me
and those memories are you
I hope you can take this Christmas
and build your memories new

Crimson rolling down her leg
another day she tried to escape
but the demons, they just beg
must go deeper to run from ****

Why do you always bring me
these awful feelings of guilt and shame
I’m trying to let go of
all the past regret and blame

This time you’re only out of love
this is intimacy at its best
but instead of happiness
afterwards I am stressed

It’s far from my partner’s fault
but I’m so afraid to talk to her
because my perpetrator’s face
is all I can think of after

You ruin me for days
even though you’re something I want
my first ****** is
something that will always haunt

With me I carry this weary load,
It seems as if to be a part of me now.
Weighing down, my shoulders slump,
Stress along my furrowed brow.

It eats away at me,  getting in my head.
Telling me how I'm better being erased.
Playing reels on repeat thhrough the night,
Wake up from fault being chased.

Try to let go but the grasp is strong,
For this load keeps maturing where I feel stuck.
I can feel it's weight but I'm lost without it,
Who am I but this sick ****?

To be free is to be anew,
And who am I to ask of such gifts?
Instead I take this blade of mine,
With each slice, weight temporarily lifts.

Heavy
A small word.
One not felt,
Only heard.

Heavy,
Hard to discribe.
In it's grasp,
Already inscribed.

Heavy,
Consumed by heft.
Breaking down,
Nothing left.

Heavy,
A small word.
One felt,
Not only heard...

I put you in a frame today
Pretending to feel all that I spew.
Gave you a little respect,
Because you're somebody I once knew.

They tell me it wasn't your fault
The dreadful things he did.
How your body was not your own,
And the aches you cannot rid.

Words are hard to speak
With his body forced against yours.
Next day feel like his stench
Is dripping out your pores.

So I put you in a frame today
To remind myself of what it takes.
The strength to keep going,
He'll never be the one who makes us break.

Clink, clink, clink goes the ice in the glass.
Golden whiskey trickles down their side.
Goosebumps rise and chest starts to burn.
Swallowing another memory she wished had died.

Another lonely day at home
head telling me no one cares
feeling so empty inside
sending out SOS flares

I could take this blade
and take it to my skin
escape, but short-lived
letting the monster win

A noose around my neck
would end all my worries
things my head tells me
to get done in a hurry

So I take out my trusty journal
writing another poem that’s sad
relief comes, at least a little
but anything now will make me glad

It’s hard when I’m lonely
that’s when my demons come out
they tell me dark stories
and fill me with doubt

I can’t fight them alone
I need help to win
so instead I mark myself
and my demons call it sin

But it helps me stay alive
because the beasts want me dead
they want my cold body
they want my crazy head

But I refuse to give them either
I need to live this life
so I’ll keep battling
no matter the strife

Surrounded by people
yet nobody cares.
Voices thundering
but no one's there.

Do this, do that,
conform to our views.
Bow down, submit,
it's ok to be used.

Drink your liquor
try to run from the pain
Make it worse
and drown in the rain.

Ignite your bud,
mind light and floating.
Indulge in sweets,
ignore the bloating.

Slice your skin,
unveil the mask.
Enjoy relief
which never lasts.

Abandoned once again
should've seen it coming
knew this would end
left with a short string.

Abandoned once again
by an authoritative figure
someone I was supposed to call
when I didn't know the answer.

Abandoned once again
by a person, I learned to trust
now I wonder if my
step work is a bust.

Abandoned once again
now I must do the work
to find another sponsor
and hope they're not a ****.

Laying in bed, it's 4:00 AM
I haven't had a wink of sleep
my head has been a mess tonight
it's like I can feel Death creep

All I can think about
is taking those pills
there's so many of them
it'd be such a thrill

I can fantasize
and feel them go down
in all the pills I keep
I feel I could drown

I know it's not fair
to commit suicide
without leaving a note
or saying goodbye

But my energy is gone
I've been waiting too long
for Death to find me
and I'm no longer strong

This battle tonight
is taking a toll on me
waiting for the sun to come up
so I can be free

From the demon in my head
telling me that Death is calling
if it's really coming
I feel like it's crawling

6:00 AM, I'm still alive
the sun starts shining in my eyes
but the feeling is still there
Death didn't come, I'm left with whys

It’s a word we don’t use,
but when you have to fight
your ex over something
as senseless as your son’s hair
then I think it’s perfectly fitting

Hanging here I say goodbye
to all in life I’ve ruined
I tried so hard I promise you
I beckoned and I bargained

But life continued to be cruel
and everything I touched
crumbled and went away
now I’m within the Devil’s clutch

This is the only way out you see
I must put this misery to rest
please remember that
I tried my very best

So goodbye to friends
who were always there
I know you’ll think
this isn’t fair

Goodbye my partner
who’s been by my side
this isn’t your fault
I know you tried

Most of all my son
I love you so
Mommy’s so sorry
she had to go

The noose gets tighter
I’m running out of breath
goodbye cruel world
you pushed me to my death

Drifting off now
the world disappears
I’m no longer suffering
or stuck in my fears

Feeling weightless
or feeing nothing at all?
Drift away from my body
everything seems small

I don’t care
which gates I arrive
I’m just glad
I’m no longer alive

He came home like any day
And laid in her bed to tell his stories
But the kiss that followed
Was enough to make her want to flee

Stuck she became as
He braced her with his leg
No words were spoken, but
All she wanted was to beg

Next came the pulsing
A sensation never felt before
As he turned to walk away
She was left feeling a ***** *****

Legs aching from
nightmares last night
really can’t stand
continuing this fight

Head pounding and swirling
thoughts won’t sit still
really not sure how
I get these words out of my quill

Exhausted and just want to
stay laying down
face always seems
stuck in a frown

Obsessed over thoughts
of hurting myself
want to put my head
in a noose or the blade off the shelf

But really just want
to live without
all of these feelings
and the unfathomable doubt

Pour me a cup of tea
a piping hot cup of dreams
sweet chamomile please
sip gently as it steams

Drift gently into Wonderland
where Alice can enjoy company of her friends
here there’s more tea and
the fun never seems to end

Pour me a cup of dreams
so I can meet Peeter Pan
flying high above the clouds
feels like I’ll never land

Or maybe slip under the sea
and swim with Ariel and the fishies
here I am weightless underneath
this big blue ocean that sets me free

Tomorrow the world
   goes back to normal
      well at least for me

            I just wish
               I could take down
                  the ******* tree
                  
                  I’m so over
              just letting
         Christmas be

      I thought I said
  that Christmas
is over for me

For everyone else Christmas is fun
for me it only brings up bad memories
of when I was a child and learned
for the first time to fight the enemy

It doesn’t bring joy, I don’t like to sing
I dread making cookies and all other things
I wish I had something to hold on to
but I hate Christmas and all that it brings

So nix all the caroling and please
get rid of all those sparkling lights
push Santa down the chimney
I need some silent nights

These scars are what make me
they show the times that almost break me
but I’ve got through each one of them
even times that were looking grim

The times that I tried suicide
and really wished I had died
I took the blade to my skin
not letting those monsters win

It sounds funny to most others
in these scars I’m covered
but it kept me alive
I see them and think “**** I thrived”

And now I don’t need my blade
it’s another choice that I’ve made
getting by with my pad and quill
who knew I had so much self will

Traveling down the rabbit hole
I never knew this would happen
I’ve been fighting so **** hard
to avoid this canyon

Arrive in wonderland
I can hardly stand
wobbly on the front
and I feel I am on the hunt

For a little white rabbit
to help me escape it
the world I’ve fallen in
heading straight for sin

Edibles and my head gets bigger
drink potion to become a normal figure
feel trippy like the Cheshire cat
or mad as hell like the guy in the hat

None of this will stop
my thoughts are over the top
red heart queen screams
giving up on my dreams

Offer up my head
inside it wants me dead
suicide, going to hell
doesn’t matter, just as well

Time is your gun
and depression pulls the trigger
the demons you hide
they only get bigger

Anxiety shakes your hand
but it must be held steady
Bipolar never knows
when Time is ready

The demons keep growing
in the darkness that you keep
their only goal for Time
is to watch as you weep

Time is your gun
but you can do what's right
set the barrel down
demons can't survive in light

I want to **** myself today.
Instead I cut.
I made it 42 days clean.
That's because I cut yesterday too.
But hey,
I'm still breathing.
Right?

If I keep holding out
will your presence come through?
It’s been so long
yet I still remain true
I’ve been wishing out the days
for you, to come back

I have planned out
every word I’d say to you
but I’m afraid
you’ve turned too cold and blue
I’ve been wishing out the days
but I’ve lost you anyway
Oh wherever you are
please, come back

These long days, seem to drone on
Every night, I keep waiting for
the possibility to talk to you in my dreams
sometimes you’re there but you’re mad at me
come the morning I wish to bring you back to me
But it’ll be ok

If I don’t fall apart
I hope my memories stay clear
I know you had to go
but I wish you to stay here
So from wherever you are
won’t you, come back

Nightmares chase me.
Make me feel crazy.
Someone save me
from this memory.

You take hold of me.
No way left to flee.
I just want to see
how to become an escapee.

Wake up shaky.
Hips feel achy.
I'm so angry,
why can't you save me?

Trapped in the sands of time
I feel as if I’m loosing my mind
I can feel myself disappear
it feels as if the end is near

There’s nothing I can do but wait
hopefully I will reach Heaven’s gate
I feel myself trickle slowly
through the hourglass I fit narrowly

Love is the reason for my demise
you can see the pain in my eyes
I fell for such toxicity
that love locked me up without a key

It told me life would be grand
if only I reached for it’s hand
and now I wait for my end
trapped without love or a friend

Terrible the amount of anger spewed;
unrealized and uncontrolled.
Where honesty is meant to come off her tongue,
resentment instead is rolled.

Fighting to get through the pain,
trying to let people in.
But with lack of sauce to keep her sane,
irritability is sure to win.

Coming off as someone she's not
... what it takes to change,
I'm so ******* terrified because
to me that person is strange.

Trapped in my mind.

With these thoughts,
these memories,
these feelings.
Writing used to be
my escape,
my release,
my purpose

Now I don't even
know how to...

This makes no sense,
but it's on paper.
So maybe,
it's some sort
of escape,
release,
purpose.

From these
thoughts,
memories,
feelings.

Can the hell around me
     get any worse?
Is the pain I feel
     merely a curse?
Do I scream inside
     only to wake up dead?
Is this reality
     or all in my head?
Are these emotions
     and feelings real?
Does anybody know
     the way I feel?
Do they see what lies
     just beyond my smile?
Is help coming or
     will I lay here a while?
Is there life
     after my death?
Will someone be there
     should I hold my breath?
Is there really
     a pearly white gate?
If I reach it
     does my aunt await?
If hell awaits me
     will I see my mom?
Should I give up now
     or keep moving on?
Is this deep enough
     would you like to know more?
See deep inside me
     where my heart is a sore.
Experience my pain
     and the hell I've gone through.
The way I lie to everyone
     including me and you.
Understand yet
     why I am a fraud?
Will there be salvation
     and forgiveness from God?
Realize how this isn't
     about suicide?
Only about pain
     and how I feel inside.
So next time you see me
     will you see my smile?
Or see beyond it
     where I walk this lonely mile?

I should be doing something,
Get out of this funk I'm in.
Instead I'm stuck in nothing,
Replaying years of sin.

Running through a maze of halls,
Every corner turned your face appears.
Desperately trying to escape your grip,
Yet my mind seems to volunteer.

Just from reach of your fingertips,
Out of breath I circle round.
"I'm sorry" consumers the air around me,
Inevitably I am dead-end bound.

And so I find myself trapped,
Your breath searing the back of my ears.
Nails scraping these walls to get away,
This darkness consuming me for years.

Hips aching to forget your touch,
In your stench I will surely drown.
Memories make life feel worth ending,
A request for relief that's too profound.

I know we are here to share poetry not music, but as poets we know that can be one in the same.

I was blessed enough to take part in this music video, and lay down some guitar tracks as well.

If you have been a victim of abuse, I highly suggest watching this. It might just change your entire day.

https://youtu.be/uGHTOE5cl4E

Why is visiting
with friends or family
so emotionally

       D
          R
             A
                I
                N
              I
           N
        G
      ?

An entire bottle in my hands
a couple gulps was the plan
I finished them off easily
ready to go peacefully

In panic I searched for someone to trust
to tell them that death was just lust
as I told you I started to choke
with your slap I suddenly awoke

Palms sweaty and a racing heart
wishing my dream had let me depart
but I suppose that's what friends are for
now I can go on living once more

Goin out of my mind
with thoughts of unpleasantries
wish to leave behind
all these memories

Body is in haywire
from lack of medication
scars now she must acquire
trying to take some action

Unable to sit still
and just be at one with the moment
wonder who's will
would be on such a hunt

Unfair to be so miserable
and at war with oneself
scary the things inside this skull
and the things it wants to do to itself

Twisting and churning
the thoughts in my head,
swirling faster now
I’m afraid I’ll end up dead.
Faster and faster
they keep spinning round,
like a giant twister
about to touch the ground.
Once it makes landfall
the havoc that it wrecks,
I can fee the pain
extend into my neck.
Racing thoughts are
chasing after me,
maybe one day
I can be free.

You're like the zit I shouldn't squeeze.
I only want to pop your head,
And pinch your soul until it bleeds.

When I open, emotion spills
so much coming through my quill
yet nobody seems to understand
unless the lives it first hand

When I open, truth comes out
I yell, I scream, and I shout
still nobody understands
because I’m the one who lived it first hand

When I open, I feel vulnerable
spilling out to others all that’s raw
but I’m still not understood
putting on these pages, my childhood

When I open, I wish to be heard
I promise that these words aren’t slurred
and yet I’m not understood
would you hear me if you could?