What’s the point of writing this
nobody seems to care
I could spike my soul right now
but nobody would be there

My work is short and childish
there is no depth you’d say
but you can’t see the tears
that have dried on this page

I only wish to heal these wounds
and know someone can relate
I’m so tired of being full
of sadness, anxiety and hate

So if you happen across my words
and you’re also feeing blue
just know you’re not alone
I feel the darkness too

Kick at the door
I let you in
Drug to the couch
Another time you’ll win

Pants ripped off
Your skin against mine
Slide in so roughly
Another rhythm from behind

Tearing me apart
Hips ache and mind a mess
I wish you to stop
But on you press

Then the alarm goes off
Suddenly I awake
Try to tell my mind
This time it was fake

I wish nights didn't bring
me so much terror.
Waking in a fit of rage
and anguish from the beast
that continues chasing me.
It's as if he can see my thoughts
and brings them into my dreams.

I wake up sweating
and out of breath from being chased.
I'm so sick and tired
of the agony, I feel
within this maze.
It's as if no one can set me free
from what's created in my own mind.

I wish only to be free
from the grasp of this demon.
He catches me almost every time
maybe that's why I'm filled with anxiety.
It's as if my days are an extension of
the terror I've lived in my nights.

I wake again in the middle of the night,
the monster's had his way.
Waking, feeling all alone
because that's his greatest strength.
It's as if he takes all you have
and rips it right from you.

I wish I had control of the behemoth
maybe then you wouldn't feel it too,
feel his wrath of power
reigning throughout the night.
It's as if he controls the dark
and sometimes even the light.

Come in
Slide behind
Start our rythm
Get on your grind
Forget my feelings
I'm losing my mind
Don't need real life
To you I'm blind
Can feel every ache
Wish I could rewind
Know I'll always be hurt
To you I am confined
Just waiting for the day
To be reassigned

I met the White Rabbit once
he took me down his hole
he told me if I followed him
it would be a lovely stroll

Now I'm in Wonderland
and nothing here makes sense
while I should be enjoying myself
I feel myself on the defense

My heads all crazy and too big
sounds seem louder than they are
still, I try to follow Mr. White Rabbit
but it seems he's gone too far

That's when I meet the cat
he's so Cheshire and witty
speaking in riddles I don't understand
what a peculiar kitty

The Mad Hatter offers me tea
but he never gives me a drop
this world is full of funny business
I want to go home, make it stop

But there's the Rabbit again
and I must know where he's going
with his pocket watch out
and his little tail showing

We've come to the Queen of Hearts
playing foolish and unfair games
screaming "OFF WITH THEIR HEAD"
obviously never had been tamed

But if I can't get out of here
then I offer my head too
oh Mr. White Rabbit
look what you made me do

Trapped in the sands of time
I feel as if I’m loosing my mind
I can feel myself disappear
it feels as if the end is near

There’s nothing I can do but wait
hopefully I will reach Heaven’s gate
I feel myself trickle slowly
through the hourglass I fit narrowly

Love is the reason for my demise
you can see the pain in my eyes
I fell for such toxicity
that love locked me up without a key

It told me life would be grand
if only I reached for it’s hand
and now I wait for my end
trapped without love or a friend

Once again I've shown my heart
Gave my all to people I know
But they've disappeared, on with their life
Leaving me to feel like Joe-Shmo

I'm always there in time of need
For that's when they come running to me
Comfort and console, do all I can
As soon as they're better it's time to flee

Alone, afraid, stuck with my thoughts
Reach out to find help
But it's dark and silent
Screams turned into a yelp

So a slice will suffice
Because a drink won't do
All I really needed was
A little empathy from you

*******, and you, and you
I hate myself and they hate me too
I'm through, I'm through, I'm though
This that low girl ****** anthem
We turn up, say **** the ransom

This that low girl ****** anthem
We turn up, say **** the ransom
This that no more Gucci tag
this low girl is a phantom
This that dream of suicide
That demon at your bedside
I swear I hat it man
But what do I do ever night

That drown in your own music
Just to stay away from the clique
All my friends are getting boring
They're all dumb, yeah they go stupid
This that sitting in my jammies just so I can be secluded
This poem ain't diluted
One more line, I'm feeling broken

*******, and you, and you
I hate myself and they hate me too
I'm through, I'm through, I'm though
This that low girl ****** anthem
We turn up, say **** the ransom

This that low girl ****** two-step
They can't short me, got nothing left
This that drown me in the ocean
They don't care, I've been no fun
Out of care and self-aware
Yeah, that's my slogan
This that "Anyone there"?
I'm the emo chick whos broken

This that drown in your own music
Just to stay away from the clique
All my friends are getting boring
They're all dumb, yeah they go stupid
This that sitting in my jammies just so I can be secluded
This poem ain't diluted
One more line, I'm feeling broken

*******, and you, and you
I hate myself and they hate me too
I'm through, I'm through, I'm though
This that low girl ****** anthem
We turn up, say **** the ransom

This that drown in your own music
Just to stay away from the clique
All my friends are getting boring
They're all dumb, yeah they go stupid
This that drown in your own music
Just to stay away from the clique
All my friends are getting boring
They're all dumb, yeah they go stupid
They go stupid, they go stupid, they go-
And you expect me to change? *******!

*******, and you, and you
I hate myself and they hate me too
I'm through, I'm through, I'm though
This that low girl ****** anthem
We turn up, say **** the ransom
*******, and you, and you
I hate myself and they hate me too
I'm through, I'm through, I'm though
This that low girl ****** anthem
We turn up, say **** the ransom

Can't sleep
Startled awake
Every turn
I see your face

Her innocence
You try to take
With no exit
Continue the chase

Always running
My hips, they ache
Strength to continue
I must find and embrace

Create an out
These walls I'll break
Try to heal
Memories that won't erase

Sometimes I get so sad
my body can’t move
Feel like I have
something left to prove

Sometimes I get so sad
there’s no tears to cry
Eyes red and swollen
yet cheeks are dry

Sometimes I get so sad
my mind shuts down
But thoughts keep swarming
I’m sure to drown

Sometimes I get so sad
I feel I don’t exist
No way to survive
all of life’s twists

Trapped in my mind.

With these thoughts,
these memories,
these feelings.
Writing used to be
my escape,
my release,
my purpose

Now I don't even
know how to...

This makes no sense,
but it's on paper.
So maybe,
it's some sort
of escape,
release,
purpose.

From these
thoughts,
memories,
feelings.

Laughing at me
with their evil grin
different shapes and colors
I want to take them in

One for each label
that’s been slapped on me
some do their job
others were told to leave

They’re even in my dreams
playing tricks with my mind
I can feel each one of them
they’ve never been kind

Still on my brain
through the day as I write
trying to stay away
and do the thing that’s right

But they sit in their bottles
with their demented stare
I wonder what would happen
since nobody is there

I’ll have to move on
they’re playing with my head
“Do I really want to live
or do I wish to end up dead?”

Do you ever wonder
what it’d be like
to swallow those pills
or tie that noose around your neck

Because I do every night

Today I took a bath.
Turned the lights down low.
Cold drink.
Lo-Fi beats.
Pax.
Today I took a bath.
The water steaming hot.
Face mask.
Bath bomb.
Relax.
Today I took a bath.
Recover from the day before.
Clean body.
Candles lit.
Lilacs.

I spend my days
not doing much
just waiting for death
and it’s touch

I’m home all alone
and this doesn’t help
imagine I’m in the sea
strangled by kelp

Or taking some pills
that will do the trick
Death why do you make me wait
you’re being a ****

Life’s been unfair
I’m tired of games
I wonder if Death
even knows my name

I’m trying to be patient
that’s why I cut myself
ease the pain a little
with the razor on a shelf

But it’s not enough
demons are taking their toll
Death where are you
won’t you play your role

I’m tired of waiting
I’m putting an end to our truce
it’s time I did it myself
I’ll stick my head in this noose

Temptation staring me in the face
little white pills begging to be ate
dancing around in my head
wondering if I’ll take the bait

Alcohol in solid form
addicted to escaping the world
if I took them guilt would come
nothing to take back, even if I hurled

Still so tempting to have a bite
to get rid of them seems such a waste
if I do I know one thing
this test I will have aced

So just stay strong and stay away
get rid of dancing pills in my head
flush them down and you’ll see
my sobriety is not dead

Seems all my life
I’ve struggled in the night
Told misprinted lies
And yet I continue to fight

False intentions
Must do this on my own
No one to help me
No place to call home

Thoughts so crowded
In my head you have snaked
Now I can’t be my own
My privacy is raked

Wish only to be alone
Without you in my head
If I can’t do this then
I feel better dead

The day you left
I lost myself
took a part of me
placed it on a shelf

The day you left
I lost who I am
realize now that
death is a scam

The day you left
I became alone
wish for one more time
to hear you on the phone

The day you left
the world was empty
I miss you so much
even though you're free

I’ve dreamed of a place
far beyond this land;
weightless and floating,
pain doesn’t stand a chance.

No more worrying
all stress lifted off.
Feelings running freely
instead of stuck in a trough.

I’ve dreamed of a place
where everything is fine;
laughing and loving
autonomy that is mine.

No more running
from demons in my head.
It’s a shame this place exists
only if I’m dead.

Dark and demented
my thoughts circle round
my head swarming
as if a nest thrown on the ground

If only I could catch one
then maybe I could see
why they keep circling
and tormenting me

They dig in deep
never letting go
I feel a demon myself
try not to let it show

So dark and demented
these thoughts have become
they’re getting to my soul
I now feel undone

Some days I'm numb
Some days I'm sad
Some days I'm angry
Some days I can't get out of bed

Some days I'm happy
Some days I'm hiding
Some days I'm depressed
Some days I don't know who I am

Some days I'm ok
Some days I'm anxious
Some days I'm pretending
Some days I'm full of regrets

Some days I'm hopeful
Some days I'm suicidal
Some days I'm on track
Most days I'm out of my mind

One slice
Fresh and new
Crimson droplets
Like morning dew

Two slices
Straight and heat
Crimson falling
You can feel the heat

Three slices
Such a pretty hue
Crimson bruises
Deep and blue

More and more
Like scored meat
Crimson everywhere
Filled with deceit

I wish I could just scream
and let my demons out
instead they’re stuck inside
and I’m in a drought

My feelings will not escape
I can’t cry when I’m sad
the demons are in control
turning everything to mad

They’re beasts inside of me
that I wish I could let go
but I’m in their grip
and it really shows

If I can’t get away
from the monsters in my head
maybe I’d be better off
if I were just dead

My hero wears no cape
there is no signal to call her near
somehow she always knows
when it is that I need her here

Her hugs are magic
fighting off my bad guys
never does she ask me
to come down from my highs

By day she’s working hard
along side her coworkers
never would they know that
she holds all of my anchors

My super hero looks normal
but she only looks normal to you
to me she is perfect and my everything
she truly deserves her debut

Crazy, crazy
this is my answer true
I'm half crazy
all for the lack of you
I don't need a ton
no I only need one
A little bite
to work just right
And get me away from blue

You've always had a way
of disappearing.
How dare me
for interfering.

I thought I was your
only sunshine.
A lie you've taught me
with time.

Is it really so difficult
to believe.
Shunning the one you
did conceive.

Afraid now to just
let go.
Did you know you've made
me hollow.

Maybe some day you'll
come around.
In these lies I'll
surely drown.

A bath prepared
steaming hot
candles lit
meditation

Soak for a while
fingers prune
mind eases
relaxation

Time nonexistent
scents of lilacs
muscles unwind
appreciation

Forever you and I, together ‘til we die
at least that’s what the preacher said
but intertwined forever in this forest
is my plan now that we’re dead

Decaying together, we’ll be here forever
holding each other as if there’s no tomorrow
becoming the world around us now
tree roots for limbs I have borrowed

You just waste away, more decay
I hate to watch as you turn to dust
yet the forest just encompasses me
and my heart turns to rust

Now I cry, as I say goodbye
realizing how I’ll spend eternity
I’ll have become part of this tree
and you’ll waste away in front of me

An entire bottle in my hands
a couple gulps was the plan
I finished them off easily
ready to go peacefully

In panic I searched for someone to trust
to tell them that death was just lust
as I told you I started to choke
with your slap I suddenly awoke

Palms sweaty and a racing heart
wishing my dream had let me depart
but I suppose that's what friends are for
now I can go on living once more

He comes to me every night
haunting my memories so I can’t sleep
he is the demon of hate and fright
the one that steals all of the light

I sleep with him most every eve
he is the reason my depression thrives
for my happiness he does thieve
I wake up from terrors and grieve

I find him in my bed next to me
a visual that most no one would ever want
I try to sleep on his terms but how could that be
when closing my eyes beasts are all I see

So instead I lie awake with eyes glued open
refusing love to the monster next to me
I must remain and give him none
because of this sleepless dance I am done

Every night it seems to me
I'm charging and running
Trying to rid myself from
The demon that's chasing

But I wake up and
I feel so lonely
Nobody there for me
Are they tired of my story?

I know I am, so
I write it out on this pad
Fall back into the darkness
Will I ever learn to be glad?

Become used to the monster
Who tries to consume me
But I'm working hard to
Get back to how it used to be

Laying in bed, it's 4:00 AM
I haven't had a wink of sleep
my head has been a mess tonight
it's like I can feel Death creep

All I can think about
is taking those pills
there's so many of them
it'd be such a thrill

I can fantasize
and feel them go down
in all the pills I keep
I feel I could drown

I know it's not fair
to commit suicide
without leaving a note
or saying goodbye

But my energy is gone
I've been waiting too long
for Death to find me
and I'm no longer strong

This battle tonight
is taking a toll on me
waiting for the sun to come up
so I can be free

From the demon in my head
telling me that Death is calling
if it's really coming
I feel like it's crawling

6:00 AM, I'm still alive
the sun starts shining in my eyes
but the feeling is still there
Death didn't come, I'm left with whys

If I keep holding out
will your presence come through?
It’s been so long
yet I still remain true
I’ve been wishing out the days
for you, to come back

I have planned out
every word I’d say to you
but I’m afraid
you’ve turned too cold and blue
I’ve been wishing out the days
but I’ve lost you anyway
Oh wherever you are
please, come back

These long days, seem to drone on
Every night, I keep waiting for
the possibility to talk to you in my dreams
sometimes you’re there but you’re mad at me
come the morning I wish to bring you back to me
But it’ll be ok

If I don’t fall apart
I hope my memories stay clear
I know you had to go
but I wish you to stay here
So from wherever you are
won’t you, come back

Why does
R  E  L  A  P  S  E
feel so
... good?

Why does
c  o  u  n  t  i  n  g
take so much
effort...

I feel like I should be done
with the mess, you left inside my head.
I've had the time to work through it
and keep myself from ending up dead.

I feel like I should be better
since you're gone and in your home.
Why do I focus on the fact
that he's happy and free to roam?

I feel like I should be happy
I've been working on it for months.
Instead, I'm stuck running each night
trying to escape from your labyrinth.

I feel like I should die
maybe that would solve my problems.
But I keep fighting this battle
and demons most can't fathom.

My brain makes no sense sometimes
you can see it in my poetry and rhymes
the craziness that goes on inside
like how sometimes I wish I’d died

It’s a weapon of mass destruction
with self-harm’s flawless seduction
I’m locked and loaded, ready to go
the fuse is burning, I’m about to blow

There’s nowhere to run for me
so writing it out is the key
to keep my head from blowing up
alone in this world without backup

I do what I can to keep it at bay
but I’m a serial brain, what can I say
the truth of the matter is I’m unashamed
of the fact that my brain is untamed

Pour me a cup of tea
a piping hot cup of dreams
sweet chamomile please
sip gently as it steams

Drift gently into Wonderland
where Alice can enjoy company of her friends
here there’s more tea and
the fun never seems to end

Pour me a cup of dreams
so I can meet Peeter Pan
flying high above the clouds
feels like I’ll never land

Or maybe slip under the sea
and swim with Ariel and the fishies
here I am weightless underneath
this big blue ocean that sets me free

Why do you always bring me
these awful feelings of guilt and shame
I’m trying to let go of
all the past regret and blame

This time you’re only out of love
this is intimacy at its best
but instead of happiness
afterwards I am stressed

It’s far from my partner’s fault
but I’m so afraid to talk to her
because my perpetrator’s face
is all I can think of after

You ruin me for days
even though you’re something I want
my first ****** is
something that will always haunt

Tomorrow the world
   goes back to normal
      well at least for me

            I just wish
               I could take down
                  the ******* tree
                  
                  I’m so over
              just letting
         Christmas be

      I thought I said
  that Christmas
is over for me

It’s a word we don’t use,
but when you have to fight
your ex over something
as senseless as your son’s hair
then I think it’s perfectly fitting

Heavy
A small word.
One not felt,
Only heard.

Heavy,
Hard to discribe.
In it's grasp,
Already inscribed.

Heavy,
Consumed by heft.
Breaking down,
Nothing left.

Heavy,
A small word.
One felt,
Not only heard...

Shakes, so deep my body trembles
with anxiety taking hold once again.
I thought I could run away but
it seems this one is with me forever.

Aches, stomach in knots over stress
that I cannot take control of.
Sick in the middle of the night,
body trying to purge this evil.

Brakes, on tight as life is moving too fast.
This year's brought so much pain,
hard to believe you were here
it was only back in May.

Takes, much more to heal
then what I have to offer.
Maybe that's why everything
shakes, aches, and breaks.

He has her within his grasp
his grip growing stronger
making it hard to breathe now.
His fingers grow like vines
and intertwine with each other,
making her escape impossible.
His eyes are red and glowing
his tongue split like a snake
with muscles bulging with strength.
How will she escape this Demon
his clutch is mighty and strong
she needs to run before her death.
His only desire is her soul
he shall **** it from her chest
and leave behind a barren shell.

Pretending comes easy
just ask anyone around
they’ll tell you that I’m happy
when I’m stuck on the ground

A smile to keep them from asking
why the tears continue to roll
never let them know that
my heart they have stole

Used to be so social
now the words don’t come
hide myself in this bottle
pores oozing stench of ***

Pretending comes easy
think I’m happy when I’m not
this is truely torture
in loneliness I will rot

No one wants to be here
they’d all rather be
at home with their own dinner
or maybe setting up the tree

The turkey has gone dry
the stuffing’s burnt and crispy
Aunt Tully’s drunk and slurring
to avoid her daughters hissy

The gravy’s congealed and cold
just like Uncle Sam’s heart
Sally knew she shouldn’t have come
this was a disaster from the start

Words across the table
like bombs and laser beams
let’s hope the littles
have no idea what they mean

Thanksgiving is a disaster
it’s like a raging war
better prepare for Christmas
if you make it that far

Racing, racing
why won’t you slow down
I have them so much
I’m sure to drown

Here’s one
now there it goes
make room for another
how long it’ll stay, no one knows

I wish they were pretty
I wish I could say they’re good
mostly they’re on ending things
and my ugly childhood

It makes my head hurt
trying to focus is a chore
all I can think about
is how I was a young *****

They keep racing and racing
these thoughts that I have
some call it bipolar
I just call it bad

I should be doing something,
Get out of this funk I'm in.
Instead I'm stuck in nothing,
Replaying years of sin.

Another family gathering

Another exhaust-yourself

No matter how much I try
not to pretend
it just comes out
naturally

Nightmares chase me.
Make me feel crazy.
Someone save me
from this memory.

You take hold of me.
No way left to flee.
I just want to see
how to become an escapee.

Wake up shaky.
Hips feel achy.
I'm so angry,
why can't you save me?