How do you come to accept
What you thought was the sun
Was really just a distant flame?
The warmth you felt
The light you saw
Wasn't real
Had you even felt warmth to begin with?
Seen light to come to such a conclusion?

I'd always used to prance in that light
Waltz and lay in its warmth
But when I realised it wasn't what I wanted
It wouldn't satisfy me like it used to

What is it like to stand in the sun's rays?
Have it pierce the deepest core of your heart?
Would the world around you need to change?
Or would you need to be out of it...

Floating, sinking
Reaching, receding
Closing my eyes
Wishing for
The warmth of the Sun
To reach the depths of my heart and
Emit a glow from within

Land starts off muddy,
Full of nutrients.
There are no tufts of green.
Just the rich soil.

The soil is slowly infected,
Bright green grass spreads on its surface.
The soil loses part of its nutrients.

The grass loses its colour.
The soil begins to dry up.

The soil hardens, filled with cracks.

"There's this dance
That I've memorised"
Whispers a voice by my side
Pulling me along
Twirling me to her foreside

"Should I show you it?"
Fingers smoothing
The crease between my brows,
Fingers tracing my cheek
Down to my hand

Eyes closed, she pulls me forward
Steps not unfamiliar,
"~~~"
~~~

The warmth on my skin
Slowly fades, no more than
A distant memory

"Of course,

The words echo in my ears
Dimming to a loud buzz

Wavering,
"Thank you for the dance."

Angry distasteful stare
Eyes squinted, affronted glare
Dismissive
In all her care, uncaring
Unwanting of any responsibility
Associated with falsehood
'You're unreasonable'
Emanates without being spoken

How can you begin to even think for yourself
Think of the validity of your perspective
When you're caught overwhelmed and mocked
Belittled in what you think is fair
And I'm stuck with that stare
And you without a care

What compels one to believe
That they must seek permission to feel free
To express themselves openly
When neither does any person own the worlds
Nor do they have any right over you.

And as the soul reacts to the
Colours that you paint it
And as the soul emits a cry of agony
The swirling walls seeping into its body
It reaches out
On a two dimensional plane
Laid bare with the souls of all, strewn
In whatever manner each soul can take
Because each soul has its due
And each soul must use
Whatever it can to survive.

Raw
Overpowering
Unnameable
These raw states
That our souls
Are overridden with
Belittled to the term
Feelings
Words such as
Love and hate
Used to quantify and
Identify
Yet
Such words
Limit us
Shake us
Imprison
Mute
Tear
****.

What are the twists
And turns of a string?
How many threads are
Hidden within?
What parts do we see
And what parts do we not?
Is this string the same one
Or have we picked up
Another?

How can we depend on
Our eyes and mind that
Alter images to the very
Moment they are seen...

Floating
Bubbles rising to the surface
Echoing in the silent landscape
The body moving perpetually
Poison spreading through the body
The body tearing apart from its center
Quietly
Lifelessly
Motionlessly

Like an iceberg floating
I float in water
Like an iceberg floating
I'm weighed down by weight on my shoulders
And if I could lift them I would
And I did and
I wish that I didn't
As I float
Frozen

And I wish to flow freely
As the water does around me
And I wish to flow warmly
Coolly
Unrestrictedly
And I wish
I wish for so much
But I'm frozen in place
And all these years have passed by
And I've just hit the tip of the iceberg
And I still struggle with all that
Under the surface that I can't seem to see

And as it all resurfaces
And the weight returns in force tenfold
And I clutch at my chest
Turbulent
Clawing
Unstable
To hit into another iceberg
To feel the jarring vibrations
It's overwhelming
One cannot heal from such impactful encounters
To feel these feelings again...

You wouldn't want to.

And as I float by
Like an iceberg floating
I hold the weight of jarring vibrations
And like an iceberg floating
What's to keep me from breaking apart
Should I encounter these feelings again.

How much more can I write?
As parts of me continue to dwindle
How much more can I write?
If the English language is limited and pain is only so large
How much more can I write?...
As the winds blow violently, twisting and turning the waters under its hands, forcing the limited mass of water away
How much... more... can I write?
As I stare at my words, almost empty...
How much more...

With every note that flows
Every stage that goes
I get closer to an end
Maybe closer to you

Every staccato that unfolds
Overlapping that legato left untold
Moves me closer to an end
A stage ending with you

Every rise
And every fall
I hope
To find you

So used to the idea
Of two different melodies
Starting together instantaneously...
That I so desperately want you

But as the arrangement continues to flow
In a cadence of escalating ostinato
The hope that there is a stretto or
Chord progression... Slowly weakens with the idea of you

So much so that
Every beat resonates within me deeper
And courses through my veins
Almost leaving no space
For you

The pain left in every note that
Brings me closer to the end
Twists you into a syncopation
And I into a ballad of bottomless commiseration

I just...
I pray to God
That my composition ends
In the best quality it could ever be.

Like always, droplets slid down her skin
Stilling my mind and replacing any thoughts
With a rush of yearning
And as she slid in
Tears immediately sprang forth
For her warmth was oh so welcome
As I lay in a room almost lightless and foreign

Her fingers curved around
The angles of my face
As she lay in the warm covers
Of my bed with me.
Our foreheads joining
And our eyelids slowly closing,
The haunting light of the
Unknown shining through
Curtained windows
Were forgotten.

Basically, that's what I've become,
Numb
Emotionally numb,
Making it harder for me to succumb,
To feelings that plagued me in the past.

Yet when I say numb,
I mean sedation through pain
Confusing?
Not at all...
Especially not confusing for the numb

Don't come closer

I'm freezing
At a temperature that's okay -
Just at the brink of chaos
Having pulled together
After my fray -
In a tower smoothly
Frozen over
A settling cold
No need to race towards
The warmth of the sun

I'm anxious

Eyes almost closed,
Ear, cheek, temple
Resting on the comforting
Frozen wall,
Tears comfortably swimming
In my eyes and
Flowing through my mind
I'm hurt
My fingers twitch by my side
I am no longer comfortable in
My clothes
And I
As I lay in this pool of moving
Unmoving darkness
I am drained
What--
I am comfortable

.
.
.

Days pass into weeks
And weeks pass into years
And my sentience has
Sharpened the blade of
Misery
I stare at my shaking fingers
My empty landscape
The tall ceilings of the foreboding
Ice palace
And it the world begins to
Make sense

Eyes lidded

There's a fire
Rekindling in my heart
Having been diminished to
Decay
Little fires licking and leaping
Only to be drenched in water
Frozen and
Laid bare again

A passage through my eyes

I can't help it
I desire
And yet I want to respect
A you that won't
Always pass me again.
And I want and I want
Please give me this
But I'll hold back
...

My journey towards content
Fluctuates endlessly
Above and below
The surface of my sanity.
Rising
Sinking
Rising
With the tide
Melting
Freezing
In and out
Of consciousness;
Where I belong
Is a foreign feeling,
Its happiness short lasted.
Is it better to be freezing
Or is it better to melt and trust
That I will rise.

And apparently
I give the illusion of successful equilibrity
Sigh
Spheres of air escape me

Twisting, seething...
Longing, wreathing...
Losses...

Shining, gleaming...
Welcoming, warming...
Moving forward...

Light and darkness.

A figure stands,
Only half to be seen,
Only half in the _
The half visible shrouded in light,
Beaming,
Holding on to outstretched hands
They pull
But the figure is stuck half in the _ ...
Stuck...

The figure walks on,
Disappearing momentarily,
Alone momentarily,
In warmth momentarily.

Each step the figure takes is steady,
Rolling soundlessly,
Echoing emptily.

Each blink swiping in synchrony,
Eyes dead set,
Pupils unfocused vacantly.

Body slouched,
Ears perked,
Brain speeding
Heart lurching
Body moving straightforward
Soul wandering

I am afraid of the pain
Of being rejected again
But my heart yearns
And yet reels all the same.

The barriers that surround me
Rise higher than mountains, but
Take a step towards me
And they'll come tumbling down.

But those walls rise
Again and again
Pushing back all
So that when I look to the sky,
I look straight up
So that I don't notice
The empty landscape...

Anyone else just scroll through their old poetry
and think to themselves "wow, I wrote this?"

And because the pain wouldn't cease
And no words seemed to heal
I ceased to look for the ease
That, if found, would release me.

Because I was already blessed.
However I will still lock parts of me,
Away from the need to be confessed
Til the day I deem they are safe to be unlocked...

Will that day ever come?
...
Only time will tell.

And as I feel your presence
Receding behind me,
Unable to turn around
I freeze
Unable to take a step forward
A step away from you.

And yet you continue to recede
My nonchalant facade
Fading away with you
And I close my eyes
Knowing when I turn around
You'd have disappeared
Leaving darkness in your place,
Sightlessness
Soundlessness...
Lost to a place
Where I can't reach out
And sense your warm memory.

So I don't turn around.
I don't let my emotions flow,
Slowly opening my eyes
To the sight of a grey
Barren world again.

The rhythm of you,
Every beat,
Every symphony,
Pulls me deeper
Into the thought of you
The sensation of you
The essence of you.

But this rhythm has an end,
Beats eventually stop,
Symphonies fade away,
Into nothingness
The mere entity of you
Already steeling
And enveloping me.

You do not exist.

Wouldn't it be lovely
To lose yourself
Wouldn't it be lovely
If the world turned dark.
Wouldn't it be lovely
If all felt void
Wouldn't it be lovely
If I breathed no more.

Too tired to argue
With thoughts that float closeby
Too tired.

And if I don't fit your standards
Then, you have to paint
A standard on me?
The world is your canvas
And so you smile at what you
Want to see?
I love you guys
That's as clear as can be
Love us in your standard
And in the moonlight
Let the glowing soul leave.
You've made your shells,
Why do you need their cores?
Acting like they're free...

Am I an anomaly?
Too tired to tell.
I don't want to take the time
To explain who I am.
Not every single time.
Easier to say goodbye but
I'm flying high
Too fast for me to.
Too tired.
Just let me be me.

The waters lap around you
As if a centrepoint
Pulling all to surround you
When you are but merely
Just there.

You pull in tides and waves
Caressing and slamming into your
So called silhouette
That isn't even there.

You dally in that one spot
And when it pleases you
You vanish
As if you were only air.

And maybe you were...
And the water was just attempting
To fill in a spot
Of the moon's desirous rare;
Tumultuous silence

And once you make it known
That you are no longer there
The waters crush the air
Slam the grounds
And loses its tidal direction.
But it never comes close to
Your spot.
Not by an inch or a hair.

Just in case
You come back
Or could still
Be there.

I'm afraid.
That the feelings I hold
Will fall from my grasp.
I'm afraid.
Of saying those words
That if spoken,
Would vanish into thin air,
I'm afraid...
That the feelings I express,
Are feelings based on lies
That have been painted by myself...

These fears I have
I know are wistful,
Desiring and yet
Holding feelings fickle,
Wanting truth... and yet,
Comforting myself with lies tristful.

There are feelings I am afraid to voice.
If voiced, just like before,
They would lose their meaning.
That if spoken, they would just become
The past.

These feelings that I hold,
Are they lies?
Or has everything become a regret?
That if spoken,
If fulfilled,
Parting with it comes with ease

My eyes have always been open
Open to where I am
Open to who I am with
Open to the flows of the world,
Flows that I could never fully comprehend,
The complexities dance in front of my eyes
Mirrored in my mind
Filling it with swirling thoughts;
Never fully sunken in, and yet seen
Unseeingly.

Flows that I cannot comprehend
Continue to surround me
No matter how many flows etch into my flesh
Eyes open, mind overflowing.

The love that stares me in the face
Seen
Unfamiliarly familiar
Unseeingly
Irreplicable in my heart
Swirls endlessly in my thoughts
In and out of consciousness
It was never etched into my flesh.

I see a new key close by
Not shiny
Or fancy
Not even sleek
But sturdy-looking
Substantial
And rigid inside.

Knowing myself and,
That every key leads to
New doors
I begin to reach out to it.

But I know that
A murky barrier surrounds it,
Just like the barrier around my heart.
And knowing myself best,
The high ice palace that
I reside upon,
The expansive, endless
Landscape of frozen tidal waves,
And the amount of times it has
Crumpled down
Because of illusions and
Darkness...
I understand
That reaching out quickly will
Break me down.
And it'll probably affect the key too.
However, I can only feel
The ice tower and landscape
That surrounds me
So how can I handle taking care
Of a key all rusted inside,
If I'm just as unstable?

I don't trust myself.
And I don't want to destroy
The key in front of me
Or the barrier that surrounds it
Irresponsibly.

So I will be wary
While reaching towards
This key
Ready to say
Goodbye.

One more thing
Before I lay my head to rest,
I must say
Hoping that my last words
Won't need to be repeated
And my essence unfelt;

A hole has manifested
In my sincerity
And no person has been
Left unaffected.

Many times I mention
My lack of drive and
Inability
To passionately
Reach for the moon
However...
My words as if delirious
Wander unintercepted
Into the horizon.

Of course in your insincerity
I slowly cared less and less,
But unable to be resilient
The hurt bore a hole
Pierced my soul
And left my energy
Diffusing low
Into the deep...

Darkness
Drawn apart
Awakened
In my end.

And in the darkness
There is nothing to
Let the light flourish again.

A person has only one soul in their lifetime.
The soul does not change;
It does not fade,
It does not shine.
However, its world does.

The environment the soul lives in
Is it's body's heart and mind.
Fed by the heart.
Tainted by the mind.
Surrounded by the mind's light.
Surrounded by the heart's warmth.
Naught else can it sense.

Without one, the others flail.
Without the heart, they wander tiredly.
Without the mind, they flutter aimlessly.
Without the soul, they cease to exist.
No base.
No character.

People don't change,
As their soul remains constant.

Curving fingers
Tear streaks
Toned words,
Tracing around
The curve of my heart

Seeping words
And the thoughts
Attached...
Tracing the
Unique troughs
And crevices:
Modelling the
Sensation of
Clenching

Swirling..
.

These sensations
Aren't foreign
To my mind
Even if the
Feeling is
Or isn't;
Almost tangible

And
Yet
I
Clench
Stop
Freeze
I am
Stuck in place

Your voices are all mingling into one
Past and present
The pain in my chest and
The muscles around my eyes
I cannot...
I cannot bear to be there again
The laughter
The gazes
The support
And the betrayal...
So close to your warmth
And yet
Never there.

The innate warmth in one's heart
Should grow
And yet
My heart is left with a fading imprint and
No image and
No call
Beckons my heart.
My heart and mind's roles
Reverse

Fluctuating

Please

My whole life...
Please.
I want to leave
I want to be there.
So come take me
Because I can't seem to find my way.

As my body lays frozen over
By the ice that continually cools me,
I gently float, soundlessly in the
Tower surrounded by icy waves.

The landscape that I always look out to
Is unchanging and lifeless,
Sounds in the distance seldom
Resounding around my heart motionless.

I kick at stagnant air,
Almost as if something was there,
The tunes playing in my head
Enough for my heart and mind to share.

As my frozen body moves,
I continue to gaze out towards the landscape.
Not because the landscape is motionless,
But now, because my heart and mind
Have melded into the tunes
Playing in my head.

Be nothing
Feel nothing
Hear nothing
See nothing
Static
Cut.

Goodbye
Goodbye,
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye,
Goodbye       ...
Or so I thought I could say
Shout and scream
At your back
That stands closeby...
But it's so close
I could reach out
And touch your shoulder;
I could turn you around...
'Goodbye'
A word that is used a time too many
Too many to really signify
An end.
But in the time it takes
My tone to reach it-
Til then-
Goodbye

Determining one's self worth...
Is that really important?
Humans are seen as a pest to Nature
And as such pests to one another.
Is it really important?
To determine such a thing as one's usefulness
And one's importance?

Will it satiate the hunger of one's soul?
Or are you just desperately absorbing
Whatever threads that lay surrounding you?
Do you also know that these threads don't all pull you out?
That some of these threads are detached or will only pull you deeper?
You'll be asking why, but instead
Find yourself ****** into a vacuum
Suffocating soundlessly
Your screams vibrating against your skull
The very air no longer provided to you
On the brink of death
But... you cannot see a thing...

Open your eyes to the air you breathe,
Open your ears to the sounds we see,
Open your mind to the winds that cross the sky,
Reach out and feel the raw need to vie,
Not for money or for power,
Not for unrequited feelings,
Not for what will not return,
But for...

Claw at my chest
Raw flesh in my breath
Scream in the pressure of my tongue
Leave me be
For I am one.

Skin under my nails
Shrieking wails echo against
The walls of my brain
Leave me be
For I can barely handle one.

Dark room
Silent room
Empty room
With the exception of me
For I am one.

I am one;
So why is human nature
Burdened by the need for more?

Survive
Breathe
Time jump
Static
Noon to eve
Deliberate breaths
Resurfaced wounds
Never healed
Empty time passed
Endlessly
Scene after scene
Escaping my surroundings
And hiding in the foreign

Inching forward
Face down
Flat on the ground
On the verge of a coma
The strength in me almost
Lost in the darkness
That has encompassed me

Holding out an arm towards
A light I can't seem to see
Awareness towards the pain
Increases continuously
Alone in the darkness of
My soul's demise
It's corruption pulls blindingly
It's whispers of sloth snaking
Through my veins
And into my finger tips...

My hand is slowly giving way
And so is my will
It probably won't stay
Not after my hand touches the ground
And my veins become still
My eyes permanently blinded
My heart completely darkened
That supposed light...
****** into the darkness.

I'm losing touch...
'Why?' and 'Why not?'
Slowly loses it's importance.
As I slide back
Into a position of static fluctus,
My fingers lace
The frozen collar on my neck
And I step out to the world once more.

Sans flux,
Sans motion,
Sans life.

The only barriers surrounding me are mine
And mine alone.

Naught escapes my fingers but dark, twisting lines.
Lines filled with emptiness.

Naught escapes my lips but intertwined with hints of a shadow.
Not invisible and yet, not noticeable.

Naught escapes my gaze without consideration of murkiness.
Wariness, a shield infused with thorns on its handle.

Naught escapes my mind and heart without entanglement.
Filtering and organising thoughts into a greater mess.

Naught escapes my soul but vacant sighs.
Moving forward whilst not fully comprehending why.

Running my fingers
Along the frozen walls,
A feeling that lingers;
To a house, its doors.
I stare out at the melting
Burning Sun
A fire too intense;
At its distance,
On my skin, a warmth almost a hum.

The Sun is too close, too close

Foreign is the feeling of the hum,
Dancing on my skin,
Never delving deeper some.
My mind can only wonder,
Sunlust echoing in my gaze as I
Cross my legs and enjoy
The cold while basking in the Sun.
Neither overly warm
Nor am I frozen to the touch;
I have faded into the cold
And currently, I have no plan
Nor rush.

The world is filled with
Coated entities
Many layers
And of no purity

As soon as I felt
The paint that was painted onto others
Painted on me
I felt infuriated
Frustrated
Helpless... and alone.

As soon as I felt
The paint that I painted on you
Backlash onto me
The oils encircled my throat
And weighed down my chest

That paint that others wield
I cannot bear
Not on me
Not on you

Surreal
Is the voice that
Is speaking
Mine but not
Mine
I can hear it
Too clearly as if I'm
Listening to a recording
What am I saying?
What's the point

I hear my voice
The voice I speak
Are my words meaningful?
What am I saying?
I speak to be understood
And yet it's always about
Winning.

From speaking
To almost losing the end
Of my words to
Resigning myself
To what is,
My voice is always lost
Lost to their ears
Lost to my will
Lost to the body I was given.

I hear my voice and I
Don't want to.
I don't want to hear it
Not when the people
Around me also hear it
And yet refuse to
Think about my voice
My words.
I don't want to hear it

I don't want to hear my voice
Because it is what I don't want
I don't want to hear that I've
Given up

Why is it that we can continue
To look forward
When we can't even see what
Tomorrow looks like or
Who we will be with tomorrow
Or
Whether we lose everything
Tomorrow

I can't find myself putting in the strength
For that tomorrow
Let alone developing a me that'll
Find what I've always needed,
When I never found that my whole life...

What's the use of a tomorrow
If it doesn't equate to anything better
Than today...

Walking along the waterside
Fingers sliding over long grass
I slump and sit in the grass
The sun just having set
You were once familiar

I gaze into the waters
My fingers tracing the ripples
Wandering along the direction
It flows
Wondering, why my fingers
Never seem to grasp
And fall into flow with
The waters that reflect the
Light I always like to see

We are creatures
That live in this moment,
The clearest image,
Is in front of our eyes.
Not before
And surely not ahead of us
But now.

We are creatures
That live for this moment,
Our lives unliveable if
Our goal is out of hand,
Out of reach,
Out of our sight,
It's warmth, lost in the distance.

We are creatures
That live to this moment.
No life is in the future except now.
No life is in the past except now.
No life is in any point of the timescale,
Except now.

What we wish for,
What we reach for,
We should reach for in the moment
Now.

That fire
I built it
I built it and I didn't even
Know
This ice palace I
Built it and
I didn't even realise
This tar that's draining me
It's me
It's all me

My heart's deepest core
Isn't empty
Like I thought it was
It was frozen
Now that it's thawing
It's starting to hurt again
Like it did five or
Six years ago
It's not empty but
Like frostbite my heart is
Trying to regain its proper self
Animalistic
Live
Call me by your vein
Your blood
Let it run unimpeded
Your heart needs to thaw
Before it can begin to
Thrive again

Words fly on the whims
Of the tongue that speaks them
Like the flow of the wind that
Sways air to and fro
The air itself not as harmful as the
Wind that guides it and yet
The combination is the what carries
The perpetrators' knife through its victim

And there is no fault to the air
For the air did not create itself
And there is no fault to the winds
For the winds did not create itself
And their is no fault at all
Merely cause and effect;
The heart feels as it does
And morals sway with the wind.

Relationships...
To me that word
Is the embodiment...
Of Solidity.
Because
Partnership
And Friendship
Are not items to be joked about
To the extent that
The unity between two people
Is almost holy...
To the extent that
Jumping into depths
With a person I barely know
Is overwhelming and suffocating;
that unity...
I would not give away so easily.
For I am a romantic
And for that one person
I give my soul,
my eyes,
my heart...
and my everything.

You stand so brightly
In a world ever expansive
Holding yourself high with
What little strength
That tiny vessel holds

For you my flower
I would
Cut away the shadows
For you my radiance
I would
Surround you with light
For you my flower
I would
Make sure you are well nourished,
Content.
But for the fear that
I am building a prison around you,
I freeze.

So I let you feel
Winds of ice and,
Darkness prolonged and,
Undernourished soil
But...
But I make sure that,
Whatever you experience in this world...
Isn't​ anything more than you can handle.

Shadows are similar to light
Yet so different...

Empty space
Devoid of life
Bare no warmth
Provide no colour
Instead, a lack of visuality.

Shadows loom and recede.
Loom and recede.
Loom... and yet are motionless.

Shadows... they linger.
They leave marks.
Or rather,
They leave no visible marks.
They seep into our bodies
Being intemperate
They dissolve the warmth out of our bodies
Slowly slowly... so that it is almost ****** out.

Shadows...
What word best to describe it other than
Non-existent.