I’ve lost two people this year. To clarify—No, they did not pass away; but rather, the essence of one’s love, and the other, friendship, has slipped through my fingers like the hot sand I used to play with by the ocean shore.

It’s been months of wondering what I should have done so things did not happen the way that it did:

Should I have just accepted the way things were between us instead of seeking for clarity in our relationship?

Should I have just left myself guessing why I was treated differently instead of asking for reassurance in our friendship?

But what's done is done. I did what I thought was right for communication's sake, but unfortunately, timing was not quite nice towards me and neither was the other’s own insecurities.

I exposed myself. I shared my vulnerabilities, trusting them to listen, to love, and to understand me enough to stay; but, I had lost them anyway.

i locked myself inside
so i can feel a sense of freedom

ironic isn’t it?

my room,
my space,
my thoughts,
my own little world

just a small room away from the stigma of this household that lies beyond that bedroom door

just a little something that isn’t yours to take along with the others you’ve already taken away

my heart feels empty
because he moved on
from the feelings he had for me;
and these are feelings i keep to myself
hoping one day, i won’t have to imagine what we could’ve been.
hoping one day i won’t have to pretend about my happiness for him.
hoping one day, i stop longing for someone that doesn’t belong to me.

my chest is a black hole that takes the air I breath from my lungs,
quickly imploding in on itself.
the molecules of my cells wanted to get out of this black pit of anxiousness, but the gravity was too strong to escape
the overwhelming matter

my heart is a jackhammer that palpitates adrenaline-filled blood through the highways of my vessels,
as if one wrong turn would cause the vehicles of blood cells to collide with the walls of my arteries and veins 'til it ruptures.

my mind is a tornado formed by the hot and cold air of
worst-case-scenarios that ***** in whatever is left from the village of my sanity, leaving behind destruction and remnants of mental strain.

my muscles are ropes in a game of tug-of-war between opposing teams of stress and anxiety that tenses up the fibers of my being, causing burns across the length of back and leaving me unable to move,
until the only thing left it can do
is reach a breaking point that creates tassels of exhaustion

Oh, God. Please give me rest.

my mind
tells me to finish what i’ve started

but my body
doesn’t do a thing

If I could just accept the fact
That I will never be an eagle
Like you,
Whose wings spread so widely,
And whose spirit filled with pride
For all of the things that you have accomplished.
Because who am I compared to you,
A broken-winged pigeon
Who seeks,
Who admires
Your boundless beauty and confidence,
Only to find myself
Intimidated by your presence.

If I could just accept the fact
That I could never soar as high
As you
Who reached their full potential,
And who has been given the honor
Of being one of the most brilliant beings that ever lived.
Because who am I compared to you,
A bird who can only fly
As little
As high
As my small wings could take me,
Disappointing myself
With every stumble and fall.

If I could just accept the fact,
Then maybe,
Maybe I can be just happy as you.