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xtine Mar 2019
it drains me
to see a reflection
of underneath my skin
because what lies beneath
is oxygen-starved blood
by the fears that strangle
my being;
my body drags me
to encounter the day
that i wish i didn’t have
to be a part of,
hoping that everything would
just. stop.
let me try to catch my breath,
just one more fog of air
to blur that reflection
that’s not worth seeing.
listen to the squeak
of my fingers
caressing the glass:
two dots and half a circle
so at least
one of us is happy;
but it didn’t last.
soon enough,
the two dots began to cry
like the reflection it tried to cover
because it too
had the constant thought
of not being good enough
xtine Aug 2015
I never actually knew how lonely it can get in crowded hallways.
Two weeks before school. I'm not ready.
xtine Jul 2019
i locked myself inside
so i can feel a sense of freedom

ironic isn’t it?

my room,
my space,
my thoughts,
my own little world

just a small room away from the stigma of this household that lies beyond that bedroom door

just a little something that isn’t yours to take along with the others you’ve already taken away
my personal freedom
xtine Apr 2019
i can’t stand
all the do’s and dont’s
of your unfair judgments
because sometimes
i need to learn
from my mistakes too
xtine Apr 2019
how straightforward can you be?
it intrigues me to see how your confidence
replaces your fear of taking risks

the complete opposite
of my cautious being,
stopping at every intersection
wishing to avoid every single hazard
There are times when I wish I wasn’t so afraid of what the world has to offer.
xtine Jun 2019
if i were a gymnast,
i could rub my hands with chalk
so that
everything that i once knew
all the memories that i held on to
won’t slip away from my hands
seasons of change
xtine Apr 2019
I tried to hide how much it hurts.
The Disappointments.
The Insecurities.
The Failures.
But the pain crept up my throat.

I tried to hide how much it hurts,
tried to hide it from the world;
but the instant I turned the **** to my own chamber,
I couldn’t hold back the pain any longer.
xtine Apr 2019
my chest is a black hole that takes the air I breath from my lungs,
quickly imploding in on itself.
the molecules of my cells wanted to get out of this black pit of anxiousness, but the gravity was too strong to escape
the overwhelming matter

my heart is a jackhammer that palpitates adrenaline-filled blood through the highways of my vessels,
as if one wrong turn would cause the vehicles of blood cells to collide with the walls of my arteries and veins 'til it ruptures.

my mind is a tornado formed by the hot and cold air of
worst-case-scenarios that ***** in whatever is left from the village of my sanity, leaving behind destruction and remnants of mental strain.

my muscles are ropes in a game of tug-of-war between opposing teams of stress and anxiety that tenses up the fibers of my being, causing burns across the length of back and leaving me unable to move,
until the only thing left it can do
is reach a breaking point that creates tassels of exhaustion

Oh, God. Please give me rest.
Self-expectations and pressures are exhausting my strength. Also, it’s exam season so the overwhelming amount information leaves me frozen and not knowing what to do.
xtine Jul 2019
there’s this urge
that comes and goes at random times
there’s this urge
to isolate
and distance myself
from everyone in this world
just for the sake of being alone
or maybe
see if there’s someone who’ll notice
that i’m hiding inside myself
see if they care enough to break down
the barriers and allow me to be
part of what the world has in store
xtine Apr 2019
You are the book I hold in one hand,
And on the other, a highlighter.
I remember how we were told to
only mark down the important parts with the neon colours;
but darling,
I need more than this one pen of neon pigment to highlight these pages,
Because your entire being is the most important thing in my life.
xtine Apr 2019
maybe you once asked me:
"how are you?"
did you really mean it?
was it ever a genuine curiosity
was it just a meaningless question to avoid the oddity
of inane awkward silences?
it was just an appropriate thing for you to say at the moment
and it led me on to think
that you'll be there for me when i need it.
but at the end,
you were never


the next time you ask me:
"how are you?"
and i say:
"i'm okay"
and if you genuinely cared at all,
would you have noticed the silent screams in my eyes
that hold back the tears saying
i need you?
This is dedicated to a friend who once told me that she questions if her friends are genuine enough to be there for her when she needs them. Because honestly, I can relate.
xtine Aug 2015
If I could just accept the fact
That I will never be an eagle
Like you,
Whose wings spread so widely,
And whose spirit filled with pride
For all of the things that you have accomplished.
Because who am I compared to you,
A broken-winged pigeon
Who seeks,
Who admires
Your boundless beauty and confidence,
Only to find myself
Intimidated by your presence.

If I could just accept the fact
That I could never soar as high
As you
Who reached their full potential,
And who has been given the honor
Of being one of the most brilliant beings that ever lived.
Because who am I compared to you,
A bird who can only fly
As little
As high
As my small wings could take me,
Disappointing myself
With every stumble and fall.

If I could just accept the fact,
Then maybe,
Maybe I can be just happy as you.
There's always going to be someone better than you.
(So this is actually my first poem here, and I hope to find a passion in poetry as much as you do)
xtine Apr 2019
if you actually
my love
for you
xtine Nov 2019
if you would be willing
to lend me some of your time..

i can prove to you  
that i'm worth more than
just a spare second to say hello

i can show you
that i don't deserve the role
as an understudy for those who
can't be there for you

i will make it known to you
that i am not someone you can dispose of
after you've gotten what you needed from me

...but ***,
how will you know all these things if you won't
lend me
of your time
What hurts is when you pour so much of your time and effort on people you care about, but they don't do the same for you.
xtine Jun 2019
my heart feels empty
because he moved on
from the feelings he had for me;
and these are feelings i keep to myself
hoping one day, i won’t have to imagine what we could’ve been.
hoping one day i won’t have to pretend about my happiness for him.
hoping one day, i stop longing for someone that doesn’t belong to me.
xtine Apr 2019
Should I even waste my time
Thinking about those who
Don’t take the time to
Think about me too?
xtine Apr 2019
my mind
tells me to finish what i’ve started

but my body
doesn’t do a thing
Here’s to people who procrastinate during exam season.
xtine Apr 2019
how sad is it that
false promises and false expectations
are what i expect to come
This isn't necessarily for a dating scenario. This also applies to all the friends who I wish would consider my feelings too.
xtine Apr 2019
why do i keep longing for your presence
when you've only been gone for a day?
please hurry back
i miss you
He's gone for a few weeks, but I really miss him here.
xtine Dec 2019
what if
things were different and
time and circumstances allowed us to do be together?
I wouldn’t have been confused about how I felt
I wouldn’t have kept my guard up too high
I wouldn’t have been scared of getting into a relationship
...or maybe
I wouldn’t be hurting right now seeing you with her and wonder  
w h a t   i f
that was me instead?
Merry Christmas.
xtine Jul 2019
mom, when will the day come that you will learn to accept that there is a man that can love me too?

— The End —