We've never had much
Not time together (-1)
Or the promise of forever (-1)

Don’t need to be pessimist
Anyone can see
The ***** glass we share is half empty

When I try to count
Things add up weird
There are mostly negatives here

Why do we do this
When there’s hardly a reason? (-1)
It’s just another one of life’s seasons (-1)

We can’t control what happens (-1)
You’re going to be leaving (-1)
At that certain time that’s coming

When the time is here
These feeling will **** (-1)
Love’s flying towards me (but I’m trying to duck) (-1)

I never want to feel it
Or say those three words
Because then things will be worse

What the **** is this?
It’s really quite stupid (-1)
That we both agreed to go through this

I like how you took it slow
and waited for about two months,
even though you were soon to go.

Together we were chill,
because you are a man
and drama makes me ill.

I think we were perfect,
but the miles were far.
Maybe if the timing was different...

I only have two questions,
two things I don't understand:
Why did we start this? Why did it end?

the people who dont know me
know the most about me
things i wasnt even aware of
they have not even heard the sound of my voice
yet have every last detail on my ****** encounters
to me they are irrelevant by default
however i am the most exciting cyber encounter theyve had
while i am sipping, sighing, smoking, swearing
they stalk, search, sift, and stare

what's another piece missing
from my already broken heart
at this point it's just a loss
not even worth mentioning
sabotage of what could've been perfect
I'm so used to this feeling
of constant worthlessness
every effort is useless in the end
the appreciation never really lasts
the kisses' and touches'
deeper meanings now seem so shallow
it's like it all only mattered to me
I don't care about the confusion
in my heart anymore
I've shut out the way that it feels
and the ones who perpetrated
and I will continue to do so
because it's all that I know
protecting and trusting myself
is all that is left for me to do

now it feels like you only ever stayed to comfort me
and while you're out on a friday night
my tears slip into a equally sad cup of tea

self esteem low to none
got me thinking it's all me
but the problem's yours and you're the only one

turns out i was wrong though
the random girl i figured you were with turned out to be the worst ***

so now for the last few days
i've felt like an absolute *******
you forgot me already anyway

I can't erase you from my mind
Because I can't erase you from my heart
I keep telling myself
That I saved myself
When I know you saved me
From myself    
But maybe
I've been running away this entire time from my true self
And now it's time to face
My sad fate
That you'll be fine without me
And I'll be numb again

Hey, I don’t know your name, but I see you in the hallway.
And when I see you smiling, it kind of makes my day.

You dress really nice,
Especially compared to the other guys.

I like your glasses and the way you do your hair.
You don’t have to talk to me if you've got someone-
Or maybe you don’t care…

Just know this took me a lot of guts, because I’m really shy.
I never really took a chance or ever really tried …

So now it’s up to you, I guess, as to what you want to do-
I understand if you think this is weird, I honestly can’t blame you.

It’s just, if I don’t put myself out there, I guess I’ll always wonder
About why I hadn't done a thing like this back when I was younger.

I’m unsure of the future.
I don’t know why because it’s set in stone.
Maybe it’s because I’m looking for a way out.
There has to be another way for us to make this work.
I’m keeping all this to myself because,
While you don’t seem content with the future,
You seem to have accepted it.

I don’t want to upset the boat.

We’re floating.

There’s only so much time.
It should be kept unspoiled.
I secretly hope you’re looking for a way out also.
I want to tell you, but not too soon.
Where is the balance of time?
How do I know when is too soon or too late?
We've only just begun,
And I get attached quickly and easily.
So maybe I’ll wait a little longer for you,
Even though you might be here already.

Don’t rock the boat, Naomi.


Maybe I’ll go with you…..

*Drowns

Something about your annoying ***
Always talking to me just because
The boredom was killing
Even on weekend AMs when you should be sleeping
Constantly asking when & where
Going to Rite Aid so I could meet you there
You bring a new meaning to "based"
For ****'s sake, it's written on your face
And in the way that you dress-
A well put together, mismatched mess
But I have your clothes with me sometimes
The smell of you gets my heart high
I stole your white gold chain
And wore it doubled to school today
Remember when you said I should **** with you
Because you do you and that made me want to

breaking it down is half the work
a step that must never be skipped
rolling it up in your leaf of choice
is a step that must be considered art
the first light is the most important
a step that is for the one who crafted
they should also be the first to enjoy it
a step the rest respect
eventually all power is seemingly gone
from the one who created
and everyone feels equal once their turn has passed
yet let us not forget the one who rolled it
for they are the one who has saved the rest

something I always wanted to know how it felt
oblivious of the bliss I had without it
blind to the fact that I was already happier than I would ever be
lusting for a notion I had no concept of
wanting for the tale I'd been been told all my life
to be my own to tell
hungry to feel desire for another
and have it all reciprocated equally
because that's how I thought it worked
hopeful for the day it would come
anticipation was at an all time high
I didn't even know where to look
I expected it to just come looking for me
I was waiting for it to arrive like a dream
it was a freshly blown bubble
with otherworldly colors swirling around the circumference
in ethereal patterns
that burst when you broke my heart

It makes me sad that I can't tell
about all the things that have happened
since we last spoke.

Like: "I've started to smoke."
And you'd tell me to "be careful,"
even though it's ***, not cigarettes.

I finally have a job that wasn't easy to get.
It's that barbecue place I told you about-
the one that hired me in the summer

when we were still together.
I wish you read the poems I wrote you,
and at the same time I'm glad you didn't,

because in them are a lot of things I only admitted
with word and on paper.
Like: "I loved you...

and still do."
I'm not sure if you broke my heart
or just hardened it against everyone frozen.

I was thinking about you most when...
I was going to try to think of something,
but never mind,

because I realized I think about you all the time.
You were my heaven on earth, but thanks to God,
without you, the world's hell.

This cup of crushed ice is what I imagine my heart looks like,
At least what it feels like.
Pour some mango *** on it...
Now that's more realistic.
I want to burn my skin;
Hear it sizzle, feel it crisp;
Slice my thighs because they'll no longer feel your touch.
Deprive myself of sleep
Because I'll only have nightmares,
Not dreams of you
Like I used to.
Even though I've already lost you,
I can't let go.

even when I'm happy, I'm sad
because my subconscious somehow knows how your absence leaves me physically cold
and so even on eight consecutive good days,
there's always underlying depression because you're not the reason
and I know that if you were,
the level of joy wouldn't even compare
because it would be so much more

All around me
These other black, broken hearts beat.
I'm not the only one
And mine's not alone.  
I see all the dark colors,  
I feel all the dark auras
Of the brightly-dressed walkers
Who try to mask with threads
And toxic meds.
But I know the symptoms,
For it is my own sickness
That I witness
On a daily basis.
What I say is truth,  
Not judgment cruel  
Like what you do
And are used to.  
I am not condemning-
They have already experienced the damning.
I'm not yet saying I am a goddess,
I am only saying I know this:
Your third eye is closed
And you are oblivious.

I can't force it anymore
it's like standing at a closed door
waiting for more
always wanting you more

miles keep our souls apart
but they can't keep your promises for
you
you're constantly breaking my heart
when we're making love we're making art

never got to see how ours
would look running around
but we ran our mouths
until the words ran out

and the hurt poured out
like a water spout
and now my heart's full of doubt
it's like our love fell to drought

overcomplicated something that should've been so straightforward
love should've been the only thing that kept us going
it's only you I still crave on a day-to-day basis
but our daydreams never fully made it

Something sad happened to you
Something bad happened to your heart
Someone hurt you, but it was accident
Which makes it all the more painful
Darling, what's wrong?  
Honey, why are you crying?  
Sweetheart, please talk to me
Give me a reasoning
Baby, I do care
Seeing you like this breaks my heart
Come back to me
We're drifting apart
Why have I lost you?
Where did you go?
What did I do
That made us no more?
I don't understand
What I've done to deserve this
When I thought it was clear that we were perfect
I gave you my secrets
And the last parts of my heart
Now I'm empty
And all torn apart

for hours at night
i keep myself company
i write, i think, i listen
i crave parts of old lovers
put them together into a dream one
i miss one's respect
another's vibe
regret a whole one
except physical touch
one's laugh
another's moan
the way different hands
felt around my waist
and lips to mine
i go over old instances
only the two of us had
deep intimate moments of the past
and how for a minuet span
in man's notion of time
we were only for each other
until money, reputation, other women
(abridged version of list)
were their "reasons"
their excuses
then i cry
and the night is over
so i go to sleep

i cried about you the last 2 nights
still trying to figure out why

i see my monsters in my vision's side
when i go to look them in the eye

they have disappeared
i check the mirror to make sure im still there

but then looking at my hair
i remember another ere

the one who made me go from dark to light
but only on the outside

in my heart it was night
i came back despite despise

the difference is you did everything & more
he nothing & less & pushed me out the door

so the knowledge i had on how to hurt i had stored
and used subconsciously to destroy your core

I'm feeling numb.
I forgot...
what is love?
a vague memory.
something of the past.
a special gift
given too often,
now an unfulfilling experience
to take up time
and keep me interested
for just a little while.
but wait.
not boredom,
but sympathy
for those who need comfort.
a last ditch effort
to put this apparent evil
to good use.
burdened with the curse
of having turned cold.
romance:
dangerous thing to imitate.
the heart:
fragile entity to the touch.
some of us
will never again know love.

Newfound treasure,
Key around my neck.
It holds my releases,
I lock them up,
No one knows.
It's the sugar on the
Once empty spoon.
Painful swallow,
Mild sublime.
Self: understood.

theyre writing songs about me
but i cant give them what they want
i know how to stay solo now
stop thinking about me
because everytime you do, i feel it
"how is it being god?"
please dont ask, dont make me answer
at the same time my pen dies
i lose 2 friends, a ride-or-die, and my mind
you could have kissed me over and over
but you screamed and turned away
and now your echoes are inside me
and i wonder why you couldnt be perfect
and why no one else was either
thats why theres just me
i cant be sad, only accepting
so please do the same
and lets meet up and smoke a cigarette
its on me, newport 100s

I think a lot about you and me;
about what We used to be
when it was summer and everything was happy.

I think a lot about the fun We used to have,
how you could never make me mad,
and a phone call made a day good from bad.

I think a lot about the kisses you gave;
about what it meant to me when you came and stayed
when it was inconvenient for you, and I had to be brave.

I think a lot about the time I said
how I'd give you one hundred percent 'til the end,
and near the finish line: "Trying not to get attached," I read.

I think a lot about how I started to cry,
about what I told myself to deny
when it was clear We was soon to die.

I think a lot about how We was so mature,
how long distance made me forcibly stronger,
and it would be a waste of everything to be a doubter.

I think a lot about what you could now be doing;
about what you could be thinking
when it was sixteen days ago that marked the ending.

I think a lot about the fact that I miss We and you,
how I sincerely hope that you do too,
and my fragmented heart breaks when I realize it's probably not true.

I have a dry heart
that no longer runs with liquid love
it brakes at evey sign to move forward
and dust envelopes my mind
but somehow makes everything clear
no one has anything for me to drink
all I could have has been poisoned
pretty colors like pink champagne and purple syrup
shades of the sky that is my only friend
mist turned to smoke
all there's room for is me
or the edges will crack
it is only a matter of time

If I were God
I would send
A fleet of guardian angels
To protect you ‘til the end

If I were God
I would give
You everything you’d need
To survive and to live

If I were God
I would bless
The road you walk
So that you’d never stress

If I were God
I would never
Let a tear down your face
Into the big river

If I were God
I would remove every obstacle
So that when you fight for our country
You would be unstoppable

If I were God
I would make birds sing
To lift your spirit
When things start faltering

If I were God
I would make water spout
When you’re in Iraqi desert
And there’s nothing but drought

If I were God
I would provide you with meat
So that you would always have
Something to share and something to eat

But if I were in control
I would never let you go
So that I could lay in bed with you
In our very own home

every season has a different excuse
for why i should be happy
and makes me feel guilty if im not.
i have the same reason year-round to be sad.
but then again,
you're my reason for everything.

******* in a paper bag
towel doubled as a rag
suitcase holding treasured randoms
and notebooks filled with cryptic tandems
very little ventilation
and an unclaimed mess that's hated
sacred corner on the desk
the rest a "collage:" a mess
mirror mirror on the wall
tells the truth, leaves me appalled
thin covering on the ground
worn where almost all is brown
hand-me-down pillow case smeared with liner
and the tears from last night's crier

Forbidden,
Outlawed.
Words hidden,
Not allowed.

A thought unspoken,
Is another tally.
Until countless;
Overflowing past secondary boundaries.

Break what has been built up
Over time.
Once released,
Pressure eased.

The president and his wife-
they smile and wave.
The actress walking down the street-
she smiles and waves.
The schoolboy in the hall is a robot
who somehow behaves.
This woman on the bus tells her husband she loves him,
with her eyes in a daze.
An elderly man on the way to the doctor, stops,
and for some cigarettes pays.
A young man somewhere is dating a girl,
‘cause he must keep a secret of the fact that he’s gay.
I’m keeping things quiet so I don’t have to tell lies
about the real life I’m living that’s “led me astray”.

plummeting into the unknown
in agony because there is no one to help
tears falling upwards
as I drop into uncertainty
like a piece of rain into the ocean
coated in darkness
not even a star
or a slice of the blackness
to hold onto
and yet im not the only one
the screeches below me await
and a foreboding sense of eternity
not even Earth's purest man's fear of Hell
can compare to the reality

Lonely star,
You used to shine so bright,
Now you merely exist-
A sad flicker in a dark sky.
Your holy garments
That saturated your soul,
Faded and blurred away from the core
Have now been rendered and torn
And left you with only tears.
What happened to your galaxy glory?
Your darling broke your heart
And took your sparkle for his journey.
And now you are nothing but a lonely star.

I am a liar
I told her I loved her
so as not to start a fire
but now that she's heard it
I must say it again
if I said "I love you" 7 times
I have lied 7 times
I don't even know how many lies I've told
even though the context of every one is the same:
I love you
this made a new truth in me
a truth I tell myself as often as I tell her a lie:
I hate myself
now that feels much better
the twisted honesty of it restores me
so that I look for a reason to say it again
I love you
I am a liar
I hate myself

I''ll have my coffee black
And my pancakes chocolate chipped.
Don't take the paper back,
I was reading those comics.
What happened to your shirt, darling?
(That stain below the pocket…)
It was crisp and white this morning,
Now it’s got a puddle on it.
Here, let me open the window up-
I want to hear the sunshine.
Here, let me refill your cup.
Oh my, it’s nearly nine!
Wait, I'm going to give you a kiss.
For that there is enough time.

Look of despair
Eyebrows shaping the face into pain
Tears behind the eyes coming quickly
Covering the irises watery
Filling the small space on top of the bottom lid
Soon to spill over
Liquid sadness
Physical proof of heartbreak
All of these emotions are pouring out of me

one day i want to be happy
that day is today
that day is every day
but i cry just as much as if i had a reason to
and no matter how many "right directions"
i seem to follow
there is still warm water coming from my eyes
as soon as they dry
it rains again
they typecast me as insert stereotype here
fighting against everyone is difficult
when they all make so many rules
and you cant see because your eyes still havent dried again
i guess paper will know that i will never be happy
but they will never hear those words in my voice
because they are not worthy
i still want to be happy one day

Q: Have you ever had the pleasure of a peace of quiet?

A quiet so loud that your mind goes from a euphoric and blissful silence to a resounding, deafening, and screaming black-out of sound. The quiet being the only matter in existence that your mind is filled with nothing else. It consumes you from the inside out and forces you to drown in it. A quiet that that takes away everything tangible and sensory. You have no air to breathe or taste, no color to see, no ground to feel beneath your feet. You begin to think that the quiet is all of the things it is blocking out- it thumps in your ears, giving you a headache; it blinds you with flashes of light; it chokes you; it fills your mouth with an unpleasantly tangy, salty, and bitter taste.

(But it is actually doing none of this. In fact, these “symptoms” are created by yourself in an attempt to recover everything that was before silence.)

A: Me neither.

You make me cry.
You made me crazy inside.
The way you care makes me wonder why.
My heart is in pain,
Not to mention this headache
From your name on my brain.
Suddenly, we had died
Without so much as a goodbye,
And it wasn't together, like I'd always mind's-eyed.
If I had known I was seeing you for very last time,
I would have never left your side.
You were and secretly still are mine,
Because I won't let go- I will live this lie:
That you plus I means something to the outside.
I made you promise to come back even if the years were five,
Because I won't say goodbye
To the burning fire
In the heart of this child.

Legs crossed
Hands folded
Head down
Knee bouncing

Nervous
Awkward

Crinkled eyes
Genuine laugh
Eye contact
Leaning in

Comfortable
Easy-going

Forehead kisses
Holding hands
Head on shoulder
Arm around waist

Adoring
Protective

Passionate kiss
Hips pulled closer
Thighs spread
Lips everywhere

Lustful
Wanting

Back arched
Hands grabbing
Eyelids fluttering
***** whispers

Senses heightened
Desire deepened

Body quivering
Breath unsteady
Satisfied sighs
Content moans

Sweaty
Spent

dont u miss ur brothers
the Girl who was more than the others
at the thrift picking up threads
we were a well-dressed pair
no problem getting noticed for our flair
but all we wanted was to vibe
whatever came with just u and i
was all we needed to get high
i dont think about u anymore at night
but its ok for the times u made me cry
black and white
turn around and tell me u need me for life
u are like the colors of my eyes
green but always changing
how'd u go from no smoke to pink coke
i cant remember ur aura
and maybe this is why:
too shallow for me to see ur color
pretty sleepy child's play for beats
**** the people who stayed thru the heat
now its yelling at no one from nowhere
we cant find u
(but i dont even know if we're still trying)
goodbye goodbye

"Do you ever feel like you're about to die?"
"Like a car crash?" she asks.
But that's not what I mean at all.

What I mean, is when you're so in love with someone who might hate you.
You never get to see them,
but when you do it's with a bunch of other people
whose only interest is to make noise.
And so you think about Someone,
never talking to or about him,
which makes you think that love is a figment of your imagination
or a word you don't understand.
I go back and forth between
"everything is science" and "everything is emotion."
So sometimes, when the love hurts especially bad,
I think it has to be the kind of emotion that can't be explained with science.
In which case, I'm probably mentally ill.
What part of me is holding the love?
It's not my actual heart.
Not my brain.
Not my hands.
That must mean the only part of me that isn't scientific is that unearthly thing that contains love for Someone.
This thing makes me cry real human tears
and when I hit the wall with my closed fist that is not holding love but empty air,
it produces physical pain.
But there is something else this thing holds:
the feeling that I'm about to die.

"Yeah, like a car crash," I nod in agreement.

Toys get lost.
So-called "best friends" cost
much more than ere thought.

Flowers wilt.
She felt gross in kilts;
too tall, like on stilts.

Santa: ****.
Rain annoys the roof.
Wishes on a hoof.

Soda bloats,
so do root beer floats
and ice cream boats.

People die.
I still wonder why...
They're too tired to cry?

Money's spent.
Must speak eloquent,
yet not what she meant.

glistening holographics
memories that never happened
pretending that there is magic

glitter on her eyelids
******* but she's still a diamond
pretty things die young

glamorous daydreams
but reality awakens
precious hope breaking

you were never one to confess to
you were never one to express to
your reactions made me too stressed to
so I expected less and less from you
til there wasn't much left to do
except admit that we weren't one but two

facing the ceiling
tears down my cheeks
puddles in the sheets

already saddened
fingernails in the mattress
my heart's doing backflips

something great
dust of yesterday
still in my brain

your nightmares
but my days scare
no one to pull or pet my hair

***** demons
chandeliers dripping *****
lost ghostly figures with rogue
in their cheeks' hollows
black lips on pale faces
reward of something eternal
for the winner of the race
but she who loses is ******
she who does not succeed is banned
from colorful pleasantries
she tells herself are earthly
oh what she would give
for a shot and a sugary chaser
but the ghouls relentlessly chase her
do I accept that I will be running on hot coals forever
or do I curl up on them and simmer

Like a blade into feelings
Bleeding emotions
Hidden by formless dress
Chained to be mocked
Knowing the end and how it comes
Heart teased
Continually bruised
Constantly battered
No release
Suppressed by tyranny
Only fear of not lasting til the end
When will it come?
They say soon
Because it is never enough for them
There's always something else
Either new or repeated
And I don't know which is worse

Anything that makes noise
Should not be done on a Sunday.
Don’t mow the lawn,
Don’t vacuum your home.
Respect the stillness that is meant to be.
There are but few exceptions
(However, your yard work and
Home improvement projects are not included).
The birds singing, for example.
Or the  sound of breakfast sizzling
Or the whisper of coffee pouring.
The loudest thing that should be heard
Is the laughter of company.
Family and friends are what the day is for.
If you don’t have those, then meet a stranger
So that next week, you have a friend for Sunday.

Everything is taken
Possession is an illusion
Nothing is secret
"Sharing" it's called
Later, "compliments"
Yet no lovely vibes
Merely false flourishes to my ears
Their meaning temporary
Used for personal gain

In another lifetime
On another day

I would be your bride
And things would be OK

I wouldn't often cry
My mind wouldn't be in a daze

Because I'd know you're mine
And things would be OK

We'd actually have plenty of time
Something not of yesterday

We'd be together until we die
And things would be OK