How sweet it is
Melon
Cactus breeze

The sticky sweet flavors coating my lungs
Drowning out her laugh
Focusing on his smile

They all know my name
Say it with enthusiasm
Protest loudly when I say I have to leave

I stay an extra hour
But none of them really notice
They are too busy

Her laugh is all his smile sees
All my lips do is paint a smile
And take another hit

I am not alone in my chain smoking
This is a two person caterpillar
One with history

We stay put that extra hour of mine
Close together on that couch
Smoke hiding us from everyone

The lights are dimmed
We are alone
Nothing happens

We talk and talk
For what seems like hours
Though it’s only one

My head rests on their chest
As I take another hit
Their arm lays comfortably over me

All of this is familiar
None of it feels wrong
Yet it isn’t as everything belongs

We speak like the old friends we are
No hidden lust
Just real words in a world of smoke

I no longer care what his smile sees
I am happy where I am
Talking of past adventures

Another comes in
Says they’re leaving
We both protest loudly

Plans are said to be made then
We all want to invite his smile
But not her laugh

I don’t feel guilty for my thoughts
I am allowed to have them
To act on them

Her pale skin in the harsh light
I can barely understand
What power she holds over him

But some how I hold similar
I happen to not try to wreck friendships
As she already attempted

The maturity that our host shows
Is astounding
He didn’t win but still stands

We all are proud of him though
Even if some are unaware
Of the battle that occurred

He made it! He made it!
All of us gathered here to celebrate
Our hosts accomplishment

The roasts that occurred
Bring smiles to everyone's face
Even my painted on smiles turn true

This group
Even if I am new
Feels like home

I’m comfortable staying on the couch with old friends
Or venturing out with new ones
Staying put by one’s self is accepted as well

I can’t believe this group is leaving
I am one of the few who will stay
They all will be moving away

For now we all relish each other
Those of us who have known one another for forever
Or those who have just met

These summer nights will be some of the best of our lives
Laughter mixing with
Hookah smoke

I always thought pink hair was stupid
The color never looked good on people
But then you dyed your hair
Maybe I’m bias
I am
Who am I kidding?
You pull pink off well
To bad I don’t get to see it much
I wish I could see it more
Seeing the face under that pink hair
Makes me smile
Feeling the body attached to it
Has me feeling warm and comfortable
The things that that pink head comes up with
Gets me laughing at all times
Too bad you seem disinterested
In anything that involves me
Friendship even
I thought we were going to be great friends
Then we got here
And your real colors were revealed
They don’t seem to be
As attractive as your pink hair

Gliding through life,
Like Seagulls in the mist.
Riding that high
As social misfits.

With a considerate twitch
For which we have nothing
Silence remains
As do our pens.

We write of our fights,
Though few believe.
Until all is gone
And we forever leave.

Crying and caring,
Bleeding and breathing,
All blend into
Ever present pain.

They cry for us,
Dry tears.
Standing in sullen crowds
Surrounded by sad clowns.

Oh how I hate this small town
Where I can’t find any girls to have fun with
The only ones with that mindset are my friends
And I can’t do that with them
So I turn to guys
No one bats an eye
There is one I want to actually have something with
But he’s not here
And I’m bored and lonely
So I’ve turned to having fun with other guys
It’s the closest I can get to what I want
Flirting is fun
Kisses and bites on the neck are ******* ****
But when it comes down to it
Guys aren’t always fun

What is this?
A jacket
But something so simple can mean so much
It can hold me together when i get mad
Make someone look like a lumberjack
Though how could I rely on a lumberjack?
A jacket?
I can’t
I know this
None the less
They mean so much to me
The tough exteriors
Soft insides
All in all
I believe a lumberjack saved me today

When one writes of love
They tend to use these general analogies
To explain the sensations
You could sit there and describe
Exactly how love makes you feel
But without those analogies
The words wouldn't hold the same appeal
There would be something off

The reason I speak of love
Is that I am in love
Thoroughly a part of an intense connection
That make it so no words can find the right meaning
No matter how hard I try
I will never capture all of our love on paper
The love radiating off of him like heat waves
The genuine sense of safety
That comes from his steady embrace
Nor could I capture the danger
The side of my love for him
That holds too close
Feeling the wrath of his anger
Though it isn't for me
Purposely putting myself between
His anger and himself
My love for him propels me to risk myself
To make sure he's okay
The slightest drop in his voice
And I'm left circling for ways to help
The words to make the feelings true
Still lay out of reach
But I pray that he can stay with me
Until I find those words
Ending with an "I do."

None of these words I speak
Will ever stay silent
Though better are hiding somewhere
Deep in the distance
'Til then I'll write of love
Without the right tools
Except those old and used analogies
Running theirselves raged
To barely graze my love

So I'll write a poem.

You were there
You swept in and lifted me
Made me see the light
My strength you became
But in exchange I was your kryptonite
Stealing away your life
Whispering crazed words in the dark
Love so powerful
It tore apart our lives
Dissected us into pieces
Your cape fell flat
As you were my wind under wings
I apologize
You turn my words away
I ****** you dry
Ruined your shine

I destroyed my superman.

You are like a sister to me
We have grown up with each other
From as close to day one
As you can get
Without being real sisters
I love you with all my heart
And I know none of this is intentional
But we seem to be drifting Dear
It’s been twelve years
And the laughter is now forced
Though only in front of others
We are still sisters at heart
And behind closed doors
But why can’t that be
In front of your friends?
Why does the laughter
Have to be forced for them?
Why do I have to feel like
Second class around them?

That blue fabric so rough against my skin. The familiar grated vision. Supple worn leather loosely hangs on my finger tips. Wind comes through the small hole on the side of the black. My extended arm lets off a string of silver attacks. Blocked by the masked figure before me. We begin the dance of death. Only one shall prevail. Red shall fall on our black and white forms.

I always put everyone else first
Sacrificing my own wants and desires
But for one night
I was selfish
I got what I have wanted for months
Though it’s something many believe I hate
I have desired it for months now
Only with one
Not with anyone else
No matter what others want me to do
To them
With them
None of them
Have stirred this thing within me
Just that one
Now that I have had a taste of what I wanted
I don’t know if I can stay
Here where my desires and whims
Are contained to just one
But not that one
Another of a different feather
Who wishes to cage me
Within their sweet words and pretty promises
Yet I still wish I could be as free
As I was that night
When I was as selfish as I dared
Doing as I pleased
As he pleased
We both were pleased
Whether it was due to the alcohol
Or poor choices
I don’t regret it
Like I do all of those other encounters
These bruises don’t make me shy away
I don’t try to hide them
The whole world can see them for all I care
I put myself first for once
And it didn’t leave me covered in scars

My sanity flies out the open window
My courage spills out of me
To dissipate under the seats
Music my true hope
Bus' full of people who care
No one cares where you're from
No one cares of your past
All that matters is that you're there
Wake up before the dawn
Crowd on to the yellow sardine can
Find that one you want to sleep on
More hours than you care to count
Crushed spaces
With old crushes
Realizations of truths
You love them all and they love you
Hard work in the sun's heat
First time of many
You mess up completely
Even though
Applause surrounds you
And all of you feel invincible
Drama can't **** the happiness
You walk away
Find others to accept you
Three is better than one
More work but it's fun
Now watching you see things
Things that amaze
You learn so much
The heat goes out
Now you are freezing
There is a smile frozen on your face though
Smushed between great people
Watching through new eyes
You're nervous now
Going up with the other two
You stand tall and prepare
How unprepared you were
So much acceleration runs through you
Shoulder to shoulder
You place
You knew this
He accepts and you salute
Later you are ambushed
You feel such a sense of belonging
You all swarm out
Back to the buses you go
Changing in front of them all
You don't care
Neither do they
You once again find the one to sleep on

Orange letters
On a black screen
Speaking of danger
Hot and intense by nature
No small sparks
To light the way
Of children's to be
Favorite memories
The middle of summer
Begins to mean
Uncomfortable nights
And light shows
No more
Fireflies
Beautiful dancing
Or bond fires
Just the bittersweet memories
Of a different year
The joy of years past
Leaves you sitting on the hard floor
Crying
For no other reason
Than not seeing
Those stunning bits of fire
That lit up your childhood
Having them withheld
Has brought you to this
Tears running down your face
As the bombs crack around you
Recorded many years past
With the sound of others
Enjoying the sight
Your favorite part of the year
Yet you never knew how much
Such a small thing could mean
Until you're left
On the wrong side of the fence
Hand in hand
With a new one
Different than years past
Who wraps their arms around you
As the tears slide down your face
Reflecting fireworks not seen

One year ago today
I gave something
To my best friend
But society says
He took it from me

That isn't true
It didn't matter
If he took it
Or I gave it

In that moment
I was happy
All those summer nights
Rolled together
While we became one

People say that
Alcohol taints things
Oh how they are wrong
That night was perfect

We started as friends
Came together
As so much more
Shared a bed
Yet left best friends

Beautiful things are never truly alive
They sit on a shelf waiting
Waiting for someone to choose them
They never choose themselves

The ones that choose are dead
Dead on the outside
But so full of life with in
The others just can't tell

Beautiful things are dead inside
They care for little
But show so much pride
They have so much to hide.

Always there to make you smile
Unable to contain the nerdiness
Sober or otherwise
Terrific *******
Insecure for no reason
Never going to break promises

Artists capture moments for eternity
In dried paint mimicking life
But the stiff edges of them
Are unable to show the emotions
That flow off of everyone
Softening their edges
Bleeding more than my open vein

Their colors are unable to resemble
The stark red of my blood
On the recently bleached porcelain
Or pinpoint each star
Of the galaxies within his eyes

Nor are they able to blend their paints
To show how the simple white pills
Absorb the colors of my palm
Or how they make each of his movements
So drastic and sharp

The way her body turns and twists
When the music pulses within her
Is something artists have yet to paint

They may grasp how her hair twirls around her
Getting stuck on her lipgloss
But it will never look right
Without the motion behind it

The lack of music is deafening in their portraits
They tried to capture the beauty of a songbird
In a soundproof glass box

Kind eyes,
Slight smile,
All I need,
To feel relief.

Calculating,
Mending,
And always thinking
How to feel relief.

Warmth encircling,
Demons run,
Bliss remains,
Relief floods me.

Movies into the late night
Two people
**** carpet underneath
Scary movies playing on the screen
Satus creates platonicy
Is that what belongs between?
Bodies move closer
Platonic still in nature
One curious of more
Is the other wondering as well?
Twenty-two days left in this month
Will change occur under this moon?
Twos of twos will live to see

Do you see a beautiful mess
Or a reckless hurricane?

Do you romanticize my cigarettes
Or do you hold your breath when you walk by?

Do you really find me that interesting
Or do you lace your words with pity?

Do you still think I’m cute when I slur my words
Or do you silently slide farther away?

Do you think nothing of all I smoke
Or do you wish I would stop?

Do you think my nervous habits are cute
Or do you look away?

Do you sigh with relief when you know you’ve saved me
Or do you wish you hadn’t picked up that phone?

Do you think of me in your spare time
Or do you see me as a time requirement?

Do you truly want me at that party
Or do you only bring me because I said something?

Do you miss the old me
Or do you like who I have become?

Fast beat
Heavy base
That’s how it starts
Next thing you know
You’ve slapped a *****
Burned some bridges
Await some much needed fun
Give up on your fears
Take your life by the horns
Decide your going to do it
That thing you’ve been skirting around for the past month
You know the one
Well you’re going to do it
Whether it’s a good idea or not
Just waiting for the soonest possible moment
You don’t care of the outcomes anymore
The person who cared
They left
That version of yourself is dead and gone
Now its time to become
A reckless hurricane
A swarm of emotions
Impulses
Desires
Actions
No over thinking
Just what you want
When you want it
Let the music take over
No more control over yourself
Just reckless fun

Floating in a sea,
Faces all I see.
A beacon of light ahead,
Warning of dangers unseen.

For me,
My life is the sea,
Wasting away in misery.

Masks never left unguarded.
Their stares never waver
For all they see,
Is the foaming sea.

Darkness lurks below,
The enticing surface.
For waves seem so far away
That all is believed to be free.

Thought to be stable,
No chance of Catastrophe,
When in reality
The sea is a home of swirling prison bars.

To be set free...

Three times now,
Once a year
You’re poison beckons
For me to come home.

But home is full of prison bars.
Hollow warmth fills me,
Screaming flows over me
The feel of your lips tempting.

Though flesh turns to stone
My body a tundra
You’re voice the wind
Ravishing a tundra

Syllable by syllable
Shiver by shiver
Dark as day
My black night.

All my demons play tag in my mind
Chasing each other and fighting for dominance
They pick up each of my thoughts
Tossing them aside every which way
My lungs constrict
Pushing every inch of air away
Locking my throat
Keeping my words stuck
The only spark of hope for the calm
Thirty seconds of one’s time
Burying my tear filled eyes in her hair
Wrapping myself in her strong embrace
Letting myself sacrum to my demons
Feel their hot breath down my neck
Alongside the heat from her body
Their nails claw at me
Leaving trails of sticky hot blood
All the while her hands keep me together
Through this I hope
To gain strength that has left me
In thirty seconds

Wake up before dawn
**** it all
Throw on clothes
Stumble to your car
Drive through the down pour
Arrive to a cement prison
Joined by another
Shed jackets and shoes
Grab frozen poles
Work too early in the rain
Put it together
You're done for the moment
In time you turn to her car
She drives
Coffee is essential
You two can't life
But you do anyways
Sitting in the warmth
On cushions you won't have later
You talk and laugh
Just like old times
New place
Different coffee
Same duet
Time to go
Back into her car
You arrive on time
Once out of the weather
You two must venture back out
Running through the puddles
Rain splattering your faces
You stop
Open the door
Walk in
She tells you to  take your pants off
You don't bat an eye
No pants now
You try on clothes
Find what you need
Put pants back on
Back into the rain
You find the buss out of place
Direct in sync
Laugh and continue on
Losing steam now
You two stop running
Walking in time
Everything is together again
Your smiles the same
Back into the warmth
Two peas in a pod
You fill in each others blanks
Knowing looks have returned
Finally you can relax
Only for a bit though
What comes next is even worse
But you both love it

There is so much that I want to write
Express how all of these occurrences affected me
Put on paper the way this music has me feeling
But each time I begin
It all feels wrong
I delete all the lines I had down
Contemplating if lines of another sort would be good
Wishing I had toxins to consume me
Just as their lack of presence does
Those who are here are not the ones I crave
Just like I crave those pills again
That terrifying sensation
To fill my time just like years past
But I know that I want to be here when they return
Whether that be two days or two months
So I leave that sensation in my past
Dreaming of new ones that I want to experience
With someone who is supposed to be back here with me soon
I impatiently await for them to return
On the edge of all my seats
Waiting for the night I do not have to go back
To this prison they call home
But can be in his arms all night as my worries dissipate
While poisons fill me
As his presence soothes me

The sense of no solid ground beneath you
No compass to tell you where to go
All questions lead
To no answers
Blank stares
Into dead eyes
Lack-luster hair
Framing a giant face
Unable to catch your breath
Every once of modivation
Passion
Energy
Laying like lead in your veins
Sinking lower and lower
Clinging to you bones
Clawing as it sinks
Into your feet
Cementing you to the spot
But there is no ground to attach to
Only the black abyss
Swallowing you whole
As the chill sets in
You feel a far off heat
Radiating comfort
As if you were
Sitting beside a roaring fire
After staying in the cold too long
The sensation of another
Through all of the pain
Caused by chaos

Behind veil and dagger,
Lays saddened eyes,
Patiently waiting,
For pain to fade.

Looming Shadows stalk,
Through crowded streets.
Fighting demons,
To break away.

Flight on feet,
Running with all her might,
But under a tree
Sits the light.

Enchanting eyes,
Open mind,
A melting smile.
Seen over miles.

She trips and stumbles
Masquerades fumble.
Takes a seat
Against all odds.

Demons and shadows surround,
But she has found,
Her new ******* bliss
Her perfect kiss.

The demons all miss
Their old ******* bliss
That now sits
With what she can't resist.

A shadowy kiss,
Away from the light,
Makes her Tremble
As if a leaf from his tree.

Tears shed,
Colors shown,
He leans in
To kiss the girl.

No one compares
Intellectual is her nature
Caring is her belief
Love is her pride
Equality is her goal

On that dreaded day
You gave me chocolates
Handed me a box so plain
Thinking it wasn’t much
What you didn’t realize
Was that in
Eleven days time
It would change
A metamorphosis
Now the half eaten box
Sitting calmly on my desk
Is all of my hope
Slowly leaving
One piece at a time
Each morning
I take one piece
The wrappers now
Clutter my car
Perfectly preserved
In your old seat
Where you handed them to me
Where you told me you loved me
Where so many memories live
Now their only company
Is the shiny red wrappers
That once held my hope
The hope that was sweet
So sweet as it stuck in my throat
Just like all of those words I wrote
Addressed to you
Sitting next to that plain box
Now every sunrise
Tears bite at my eyes
While the words
Beautiful and perfect
Echo in your voice
As chocolate gets stuck in my throat

What people say means nothing to me,
Pain is all I feel.
All stops for her touch,
Personalities go hand in hand.

How I wish for relief,
To relieve the depression.
Rewrite all that's said,
So I can go hand in hand.

We all stop for her voice,
Though I can't take my eyes off of her.
My mind is lost
All to go spinning hand in hand.

Does she see me?
Can she tell?
My mind whirls as if silk in the wind.
Does she want to go hand in hand?

Hug to short,
Distance to far,
Hands just right
To go hand in hand.

She looks my way.
The fruit of my eyes.
She wants it too,
We leave hand in hand.

Last night
I dreamt you came back
You waved cheerfully through a window
Came out to greet me
And we embraced
I can still feel the fabric of your sweater
You were wearing black and white as usual
But something was different
I think it was the lack of sadness
In my dream you were happy
In my dream you came back to me

White was never my color of choice
But it never felt wrong
Though I don’t believe like others
This color now feels out of place on me
Soiled some would call me
Unholy others would
But I don’t see it like that
Why would I let someone touch me
If not for the bettering of myself
I shed that old title others gave me
The one others forcefully took from me
But I had held on to it
Like it would somehow bring me peace
Knowing I was still a ****** in my mind
But I left that titled behind
I let someone else take my title by choice
Though not who I expected
I barely know him
And each time I think of that night
My skin grows hot
But not with the sensations of his touch
Only of the embarrassment coursing through me
No, it wasn’t bad
Yes, I enjoyed it
But why is it so hard for me to think of it?
Twice now I have made memories
That haunt me
One in unspeakable ways
The other in unmentionable ways
But all I know is that I am no longer that title
By choice this time

How has this occurred?
I have become such an oddity
Those who call themselves near to me
Are unable to comprehend

When things first started with us
They told me that I should leave
After we started to fight
They stopped listening to me

Now almost two years later
I finally have ended everything
That is all that they care to hear
That they won’t hear of you again

What they don’t understand
Is that you are still on my mind
We had a lot
Your were many things to me
Girlfriend
Best Friend

You were the one that I called
Everytime the world came crashing down
No one else seemed to care
Had no idea what to say

Now everything has ended
And I don’t know who to turn to
When memories of you
Make my vision blur
My head spin
My heart ache so painfully
That all I want to do
Is dial your number
With shaking fingers
Ones that have dialed you
Too many times

When you come to mind
I have no one to turn to
They all have hated you
For so long
No mothering arms
Or friends to embrace

All I have
Are more memories of you
Of how I ran to you
With tears in my eyes
As my heart got broken
To many times to count
By all of those who
Claim to love me
Families that tormented me
Death that threatened me
Be it mine
Or that of others
When nothing seemed right in the world
I ran to you

Now that you are gone
Where do I belong?
My safe haven
Is long lost

I refuse to cry now
You have told me so many times
That it’s good to cry
But you aren’t here to catch my tears
To make sure I don’t fall
Again

I’m lost without my center of gravity
No matter how much we fought
You were there when I needed you

When I was lost in the rain
Afraid of new beginnings
You were who I called
We hadn’t really talked in months
But you picked me up
Made sure I was okay

When no one cared
That he left me
You handed me shots
And said it was his loss

When my family became unbearable
You talked me down
It took hours
But you never spoke a word of hate

I think that’s what hurts me the most
You never did say anything wrong at the end
All you did
Was pull away
No communication you said
I had lost your trust
The one thing I never lost
Through all those fights

Now I’m left here
Full of pain
Depressed but oddly at peace
Until my mind drags up
The picture of your face
I want to yell and cry at nights sky
But I know you are looking
At that same moon as me
While still getting lost in the stars

You never sleep
And now whenever I do
I don’t want to wake again
But I don’t have you here to calm me
I feel so alone now
Even when we fought
I knew you would come
When I decided to take my final breath

I know with certainty now
That no matter how many times I may call
You won’t pick up
And I will be alone at the end

You left before you
Could find someone
To take your place
Now I’m left here
Alone again
Just like you found me
But there's a difference now
Then I had never had anyone
To hold me at my worst
Now I have
And I don’t know
If I can go on alone

Now when things threaten
You aren’t here to make it better
Your memories hurt more than help
I am more lost now
Than I was then

Honey I’m not sure I can make it this time
I feel so broken
Without you here with me
You will just have to see me
On the other side
Please tell everyone
I’m better now
That you knew me better than them all
And that this is what I wanted
What you don’t have to tell them is

That I died because of you

Stop crying little girl
We don't need her
We are strong
We will survive

No matter what you think
She is not what we need
We need control
And there is none with her

Lock away those feelings
Take your heart off your sleeve
Grab your mask off the shelf
And put on your warrior face

No one can touch you
If you give them nothing.
No one can touch you
If you take nothing.

Love left scars
But everything can be hidden
We were so new at the game
That we got played

Take no ones hand
Shed no more tears
No more being open
All is to be closed in

No door or window left unlocked.
We have no heart
She kept that
As she took the wind with her.

Control and structure must win
Confined's must be conformed to.
No grave left to dig
For warriors do not fall

We can take care of our self
No need for sacrifice
Care and love cut
With precision and pain

Warriors live in solitude
That's all we can hope
No more need for smiles
No more warmth to cuddle

There's no need to be hurt.

That small lump of cement
It sits there for a practical use
That is to have souls walk across
But then there is you
Sitting still as stone on top of it
Your mask is slipping dear
I see those crack
The ones I tried to mend
Those that you hid from me
Now you you refuse me
Cast away my loving hand
You sit there in pieces
And all I can do
Is leave you curbside

One simple word
Along with a digital smile
Has the power over me
To make me jump up and down
As if I’m still a preteen
Speaking excitedly to my first crush
But I’m older and have more experience
Still the idea of spending time with them
Brings my heart to full speed
And my inner innocence fills with joy
I feel so uncensored with them
There never really seems to be a need
Well I won’t say that I don’t need them
It doesn’t matter if my innocence or experience is speaking
I need them in some way
Weather to have clean fun
Or something more exciting

These words are long overdue
But each time I sit before the screen
It seems too impersonal
A keyboard is incapable
Of showing how my hands shake
This paper holds the tears I shed though

All of the late nights I spend praying for sleep
I am unable to because I know
Miles away you lay on your floor
Music pulsing
At the same tempo
As the blood that flows freely

How am I to sleep
When I know you stare at the same night sky
I feel you lie awake
Making me unable to close my eyes

But when I think of this
Tears threaten to overflow
I no longer can pick up my phone
To see if you are truly awake

Sometimes I hope you think of me often
But I don’t want you to feel this pain
I have lost my tether to reality that was you
And no matter how you feel now
I know you lost the one
Who knew you the best

How have you been Dear?

I wish I could have called you last night
My mind was slipping
And the walls were closing in
But I couldn’t call you
I had to fall asleep on a tear soaked pillow
Trembling in fear

Thinking of what you would have said
Has stopped helping
Now I think of your tired voice
Telling me it will all be okay
Makes my throat close
And my head spin

It’s scary to think of
How things change
Who do you talk to now?
Who has taken my place?
Do you love them
Like you loved me?
Do your fingers hover over my number late at night?
Can you feel that I need your strength?

Has it crossed your mind
That I’m scared to let someone else in?
Once I recover
From the constant shock
That I can no longer call you
My fingers rest calmly above someone else’s number
But my heart races
If I let them in
That means you will never come back
I already know you won’t
But letting them see
All that you have seen
Will finalize it
I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet

But I know I need
A new tether to reality
‘Cause freefalling
Isn’t healthy

Late nights
Turn to early mornings
Crowded beds
Become more appealing
When you’re wrapped up in someone’s arms
Only sleep for maybe an hour
But it doesn’t matter
Your mood couldn’t have soured
Being pressed up against that warm body
A hand resting on your side
Your mind slowing down for once
Different thoughts start to form
Unsure of what to do
You burry your face
That hand moves though
And soon
You are face to face
With entrancing eyes
Chin tipped up just a bit
Next thing you know
That high you felt hours ago
Is replaced with something better
Their lips against yours
You break apart
Your don’t stop smiling for what seems like hours
And all you do
Is wish you had said what you thought
Don’t stop

Dark eyes glint in the night
But nothing is as it seems
This isn’t a predator of evil
Though it can be one of flesh
It hates to be one of the mind
Yet somehow I feel at home
I know I am walking into the lion’s den
Laying down by it’s side
And trusting it not to hurt me
I am aware this is foolish
But I don’t really care
I left my worries and concerns at the door
Those aren’t needed here
I have faith in my captor
Though I’m not held against my will
I enjoy every second of it
The old me would have hated it
All of it
From being so close to someone
To letting someone speak to me the way they do
Though it isn’t completely wrong
I know those words aren’t meant to hurt me
Somehow I am unscathed
I feel I could flourish here
Poison flowing freely
Words not leaving marks
Only actions matter
Strong arms holding me prisoner
But I am oh to willing
Now I just fantasize of a predator’s eyes

It strikes down
Like thunder in the night
Black and Blue
But all I see is swirling red.

His words worse than blows.
Silent tears begin to flow
He is all I see.
My black knight.

Head throbbing
Throat closing
All of me sinking
Air depleting.

Voices swirling,
Through my Head.
Like Water twirling,
Far above my head.

Red stars falling,
Wishing they would come,
Take away the pain.
Oblivion.

Why did he have to blow,
My will away
I'm left empty of all but sorrow,
Water Fills my Veins.

Good Bye.

He speaks with an edge
Calls himself evil things
Tries to hold himself to them
But then he touches you
These simple gestures hold
An unspoken gentleness
One he keeps hidden from view
But with his arms around you
You can feel that there is a sweeter side
Those dark eyes that pierce you
Have such untouched depth
That you want to sit and talk for hours
If it means that you can see
His emotions play across those eyes
A simple gesture
Of not removing your head from his shoulder
Brings you great joy
His persona would have been mean about it
But he just smiles and carries on
Early in the morning
When you both think the other is asleep
His arms stay around you
Never wavering
Those calloused fingers
Trace careful circles along your side
Something so hard shouldn’t be so sincere
The moment his arms pull you closer to him
As his breath stays steady
Your heart sores at his warm embrace
But the sweetest of moments
Is that of his strong hand
Gently tipping your chin up
To let his subtle lips meet yours
Shrouded in hazy morning light
His lips lighting every inch of you on fire
Those sensations so foreign to you
But make you want to travel
To every place they speak of

Is that what you want?
Do you want me with nothing between us?
Why is that okay but me be being honest isn’t?
How do you deserve me like that?
Worthless
*****
Trash
You’re right I am all of those things
I cry when I leave
I cry before I come
Are my tears precious to you?

I leave your side once
That’s when I meet her

Flowing hair
Brilliant smile
Concerned eyes
All of the things I never see in you

I don’t know what to tell you
My mind is spinning so fast
I pull at my hair to make it stop
But that no longer works
The pain isn’t enough anymore
Reluctantly I reach for my wrist
Digging my nails in
Hoping that the pain will be enough
The pleasure it brings me doesn’t help
As all of this occurs
You ask me what's wrong
Reaching out desperately to help me
But I coil back
Trying to reach another
Who no matter how mean is always there
To forbid what I’m too scared
To promise away
My grip changes to not leave marks
Now pinning my veins and bones together
Under a steel vice
Practice has made my hand
I want to talk to you
Tell you what is occurring
But my heart beats against my ribs
Like a caged rabbit
My veins push at the thin skin above them
Begging to be released from their prisons
I wish I could grant their wish...

When others asked me
Who I thought to be my best friend
It was not the name of a sister I uttered
It was yours I would speak clearly
I was proud to call you my best friend
I felt such a connection
And I knew you felt it too
But somehow in the mix of life
We separated
Though not by my will
I did take that last step though
But all I had asked from you
Was a simple request
But you refused
And I snapped
Leaving us standing on opposite sides
Of the line in the sand

This doesn’t change
That my heart screams to be near you
What I would give anything to have you here
To speak with in excited tones
Of all that has occurred

I can hear your laugh as if you are here
Surrounding me as I tell you
Of what I have done
You would chuckle
Tell me that I have done good
Wrap me in your strong arms
Before you hand me
Whatever pison we chose for the night

I can see the looks of amusement
You would give me
As I told you of my adventures
While we sat cross legged on your bed
Your cat between us
Food you made before me
As you make sure that I eat something
Me failing to get you to eat more than a bite with me

But above all else
I miss you

There's something trapped inside me
Pushing to get out
Begging for release
Trying to be seen.

The walls keep close eyes on me
So I close mine tight.
Try to be happy
And suffer through the night.

Few things truly bring me bliss
What I would give
For one last
Goodnight kiss.

Simplicity found
As if reborn
Laughter brought tears
And me laying on the ground.

Held tight
To be safe
Never to be let go
Always to have a place.

Trembles let lose
Kisses on cheeks.
With beautiful eyes
That must see the light.

Warmth speed throughout
Arms wrapped around
Breaths mingled
Eyes begin to close.

No shadow of a doubt
I would never leave
This is where I belong
My heart is in the lead.

The best of pillows
Move on their own
To pull you close
And never let you leave.

Random morning wake ups
Just to be in the moment
To look in to closed eyes
Writing on her back.

Such a simple pile of letters
It shouldn't mean so much
But hearing your father utter it
Makes you chest tighten
With anger, fear, sadness
It doesn't matter
They all feel the same
Something he doesn't understand
He pokes fun at
But at what expense?
At his daughters expense
Such unkept recent
Striving in the old ways
Five simple letters
Two easy syllables
One not truly bad word
But on the lips of an unknowing loved one
This simple thing stings
Brings tears to your eyes
As your ears bleed red
Shouts of anger
Thoughts of hatred
Simple gestures left for dead
No one left for you
You wander the narrow-minded streets
Those letters ringing inside your head
They were said with such little thought
As if it were not in the presence of the twisted
But as it was said
You bring it into your *****
Nurture it with discontent and cold stares
Soon you are left haggard and bent in two
This once so simple thing
Now an uncontrolled being
Eating at you
Tearing your mind apart
While the pain numbs you
Remember where this started
A father figure's lips falling open
Five letters coming out
Sounding in two syllables
Stringed into one word;
Lezbo

How strange to think
That those who use to hang on your every word
Now sit silently waiting for your words to cease

Once upon a time
There was someone who cared
They sat on the edge of their seat
Riveted by the pictures your words painted
But in this moment
They sit in awe of someone else’s tall tales
While you type away behind a screen
Sending your creations out into the world
Praying for someone to notice
That silent plea within

Once upon a time
There lived a girl who’s every breath
Bled with words and emotions
Her heart was present in everything she said
Those around her held their own breath
Not to harm hers
Now she sits alone in a dimly lit room
Her breath going unnoticed
No longer will anyone hold their breath
To see hers

Once upon a time
In a dusty old room
Many years left untouched
Someone found a old collection of writings
Curious they began to read
What was dated before they were born
Soon they held their breath in anticipation
For the words plainly written before them
Held their attention so dearly
It caressed their imagination
And soon they could hear
A sweet voice speaking
The words with such passion
That their mind couldn’t be brought back to reality
They submerged themselves
In the writings of someone long silent now

Once upon a time
A long forgotten voice
Drifted through time
To breath life into
Someone new

Rough as a teddy bear
Outstanding is his personality
Breaking is not his way
Excited for life
Rare to find
Thoughtful as a wild cat

How do I say this?
I mean I have worked hard
To be able to
I told myself I would tell
The next person to test me

But when it happened last night
My attempts were futile
I still couldn’t say it
Weakly I pushed him away
He wouldn’t stop though
His tongue was down my throat
He gripped my ***
I didn’t enjoy it
But I couldn’t bring myself
To tell him that

Others want us together
Maybe I should give it time
Let him do as he pleases
That’s what they want
They tell me he’s great in bed
Do I dare?

No.

I can’t let anything happen.

Again.

I need to fully consent
But I don’t think I could with him

He’s so strong though
If I don’t tell him
He will take my silence as consent.

Again.

How can I say it?

Do I want to?

Yes.

I do.

He isn’t who I want
But is who I’m supposed to
No one would bat an eye
If I said I was with him
Unlike with the other
For I know they would ask

He likes you?
I thought he wasn’t your type?
You gave it up, didn’t you?

Maybe I should give it up

But with who?

Do I consent to something
I’m supposed to like?

Or to what I want to try?

Do I allow something that is to come?

Or do I wait for what I want
That might not come?

Maybe I should become
That **** that they keep calling me.

I guess I’ll wait to see
If I consent.