I have been broken for days now
But my will to survive blinded me
I didn’t see the signs
Now it’s too late
Woke up from little sleep
To see I’ve been
Crying in my sleep again
It took too many days
For me to realize what
This weariness in my eyes was from
To notice that I wasn’t
Cold like I was telling myself
But scared
So I curled into myself each night
I didn’t just miss him
I had been reaching out
But he didn’t really respond
If he won’t talk to me
Who will?
She’s gone
Which is why I reached out to him
But now I’ve woken up to see
The wet marks left by my tears
To feel the damp trails
Still on my cheeks
Now I’m left wanting something
I am unable to have
Someone to hold me close
No one has been able to since she did
Except for him
But his silence kills me slowly

He knows how I feel,
I know how he feels,
Neither one wants to give in.
It's all up to her.

He knows her so well,
While I know so little,
She loves  us both.
It's all up to her.

He's willing to let go,
Can she let him do that?
How will it end?
It's all up to her.

I am already lost in her eyes,
Her nervous smile,
Her hand in mine.
It's all up to her.

He has been there,
While I was here,
She deserves her desire.
It's all up to her.

Can I plant the seed,
for a relationship,
With my beloved fruit?
It's all up to her.

What is this sensation?
New but familiar
Never experienced in a safe environment
Maybe this time will be different
I might not leave in pieces
But I probably will
I never leave anywhere fully intact
Am I possibly ready for it this time around?
Hopefully
This time seems different
There isn’t that overwhelming compulsion
Just a steady stream of wanted conversation
No strings seem to be attached this time around
Just honesty and fun
Is it the summer heat getting to me?
I hope not

You tell me that
You don't want this
But you act like
It's nothing to you
You say it pains you
Though look how
You leave my side
Fall into new habits
While I still fall for you
Now you aren't there
To catch me
I begin to free fall
But what scares me more
Are two simple words
Just friends
To be honest
I'm terrible at it
All of it
Cutting ties
But not all
Seeing you every day
Without calling you mine
It leaves me here
Sitting where we sat
Falling back into old habits
Feeling my heart still trapped
In your arms
It hurts to say but
For your own good
I should depart,
Fully.
But I'm afraid to say
That I can't
In a few days time
You will see
That I am unable to leave
And after that
I'll wreck everything
But long after
You have gone
My heart will still
Be yours.

So now friend
I say goodbye
Though I will not leave.

I slapped her
Hard

She deserved it

**** if I care what bridges I burn

All I see in my future now
Achole
Drugs
***
Loud music

It took two years
But I did it
I ended that **** for once
Not her

I just burned another bridge in the process
**** it
I don’t ******* care

I feel it now
I will actually go after him
**** my fears
If they rear their ugly heads
I’ll slap them like I slapped that *****

My life is mine now
**** everything that has been holding me back
The old me is now dead and buried

No more bullshiit
I will take what I want
When I want it
I dont ******* care anymore

Look over your shoulders
Lock your doors
Here I ******* come

My matches are lit
And my mind is made

**** this

He walks past me without a look,
Step by step he distances himself,
Origin or not
My love what is there.

I stand at attention.
Every fiber of my being full,
Condensation reappears,
Even though it's not here.

Dusk has fallen,
My vision gone red.
Fog clouds my mind
Till I cannot hold on any longer.

I lounge forward,
Grasp his shirt front.
Crash our mouths together
Like two men of war meeting on the front.

Shook washes over him,
Though the stone he's made of quickly melts.
My back soon clawed at
As we feel so alive behind closed doors.

Frowned upon,
But we don't care,
My heart flies
As we both say;

I love him.

Leading role
Unkind but truly sweet
Kick *** person
******* of the best kind
Someone I want to keep

My secret desire is to leave
To walk away from it all
Find a new life
A new family
But when I go to leave
I find new people to love
Not those I live with
But the ones I chose
How am I to walk away from them?
When I find someone to lean on
Why would I leave them?
To leave those
Who make me weak
But with them there
It becomes bearable
But for how long will this last?
Wouldn't it be easier
To just pack up and leave now
They all leave anyways
Why should I care?
Because each time
I hope to have found
One that doesn't leave
That doesn't hurt me

Truth be told
A year ago
I met this kinda quiet guy in Marching Band
Who seemed quite curious
But then one day
My friend and guardie
Said something quite unexpected
She was dating that kinda quiet kid
Now no one expected this to last at first
But the season ended
Then the end of the year came
When the new year started there they still stood
Eventually we saw how well he treats her
And accepted him as a permanent structure
No one can say a bad word about them
When they see the looks in their eyes
The love that radiates from them
Is something that we all strive for
But know there is a slim chance of finding
In high school as well as life
So all I have to say to these two love birds
Good luck & love always

Cold metal cuts translucent skin
Skin so fragile

Too much has been done to it

Cuts run deep
Bruises grow darker
  
Eyes so deep set
Shadows cloak them
They stare into nothing and everything
Seen too much
But never another’s love

Smoker’s fingers twitch
Every minute
Of every day
The need so great
To fill those lunges with poison
The burning sensation
That reminds her she is alive
Salt rimmed lips her only hope

Words always meant a lot
Now are only white noise

Freak
*****
****
Loner

They are only names

Disgusting
Unworthy
Unholy
Wrong

Only letters strung together


They are how she got here though
Names and letters thrown at her
Led to her bringing that blade to her skin
Led to her bumming her first one
Led to her buying her own pack

First she avoided the lunch room:
No lunch

Then she left before they awoke:
No breakfast

She came home so late:
No dinner

Thinner and thinner
She was wasting away

Few even noticed
Even less cared
One told her to eat
Would bring her food
She would force it down
Leave
And throw it back up
Almost every time

Her clothes hung on her frame
She was a broken frame
No one saw the haunted picture it held

Names and letters continued
Her life withered
She held on barely
Poison her only friend
Her guardian angel a blade
The new dream was six feet under

No one noticed

No one cared



So she stole some pills
Tried them
They made her feel a bit better
She kept taking them
Then they didn’t work so well
Upped the dose
That stopped as well

Eyes finally turned to her

The questions started

What’s wrong with you?
Why don’t you just **** yourself?

Answers followed

Everything
I will

The planning started
At first it was just something to take up time

Then it came alive
It started to entrance her
It spoke to her in her sleep
During the day
When she was kneeling on the bathroom tiles
When blood dripped from her
When smoke escaped her

She finally decided

Taking pen to paper
Words finally came to her
She spoke of those who hurt her
Of her own pain
Of everything
Everything she hadn’t said in years

She signed it with goodbye

She held her last cigarette
Took the most pills she’s ever had
Stood up on the chair
Put on her favorite new piece of jewelry
And she…

Kissed her life away with a smile
“Goodbye”

How can one feel attacked in their own home?
Simply.
Looks of disgust
Stinging words
Whole worlds burn
In the fiery pits

I thought I had moved on
Left my fear in the past
But sometimes
I can still feel his hands on me
His hair against my thighs
His breath on my neck
Him keeping me pinned to his chest
The leather of his backseat
Against my bare legs
His clumsy fingers
Are all I can feel sometimes

How has this become my life?
I mean when did an actor start meaning something to me
All my life they’ve been there
But never in an important way
Just there
Now all my thoughts go to him
I talk to him constantly
Never wanting the conversation to stop
Miraculously it doesn’t
Somehow we keep it going
It still astounds me that he wants to talk to me
But he keeps it up
I smile to myself constantly
This shouldn’t be happening
But I can’t remember why
Now all I do is wait for my phone to buzz
And for night to come
For his arms to surround me
And his smile to fill my vision
I don’t know how to act
With a actor

They say blue is beautiful
That green is intoxicating
But what is never said is
Brown
The addicting combination
Gold strikes from the center
Chasing the forest greens
Rustic chocolate staying calm
Black as spilled ink in the night
With flickering  lights
These lights show so much
Love radiates from them
Leading me through the dark
Dancing with laughter in firelight
Now I want to set them on fire
Like they have done to my soul
All of my being burns
Their lingering touches
Now ghosts
That chase me to midnight
Once I've pasted
My tears run after them
Streaming like all those movies we watched
Brown watching me
More than the screen
Out of the corner
Wrapping their extremities around me
Looking into my dull brown
To tell me I'm beautiful
Perfect
Now I burn alive at these words
All I see through the flames
Are the hollow shells
Of what use to be
My brown eyes

Haunting beauty
Angle like eyes
No filter for the better
Artistic beyond compare

Black and Blue
Overcast, blotting out the sun
Smoke trailing behind us
As the popping of cans surrounds us
Clad in black and gray we go
Falling in sync
While the simple things in life
Keep us together
Broken beyond belief
We hold each other together
Though masks exist
For the public
Together we leave them behind
No shame
We know each other’s worse
Words spill out
Mixed with smoke
Swirling around us
Deep thoughts
Combined with blue mountain tops
Sitting side by side
Our old world comes into focus
And you say;
“This is us.”

You slip behind my walls
Like they were never there.
My warrior's solitude broken
Your behind my enemies lines

Walls are there for protection
You are breaking all my rules
Smiles are start to slip up
My mask is starts to crumble  

My fear returns
Of being hurt.
You ask what's wrong
And I hesitate to say:

"Walls were built so I'm protected
No one is to be behind them
But you have made you way there
Though I love you being here"

You look at me
Not even for a moment
And with all certainty say:
"I will protect you"

I melt at the sound of your voice
Words desired to heard for so long
Rang out among the frosted trees
Speaking truth never heard before

Warriors should never be alone
Masks are be worn for all but one.
A warm sanctuary of no solitude
This is home of the warrior.

What am I to do?
The pen I held dear now strikes
Like a cobra in the brush
Words burn to be released
But something holds them down
You encouraged me so
And now I am wrecked beyond help
I will perish

Will you cry?
Once I am gone
Will tears fall from those emerald pools
Would those beautiful memories resurface
I should say I wish this upon you
But how could I ever utter such a thing
You belong in such a sacred part of my heart
I could never truly hurt you
Though my moments of weakness ruined us

Would you come back?
If I lay down my pen and weapons
Change all I can
Let loose logic
To wreck havoc
On those wretched emotions

Could you give me one last chance?
My last chance at happily ever after
To feel those strong arms around me
Soft but sturdy hands on my hips
Silky smooth lips on mine once more
To see those shining emeralds gleamer
With something other than tears

Please come back

To be held close,
Fingers intertwined,
Feather light touches.
That's all I want.

Words of truth,
Whispered in ears,
Stars the only witness.
That's all I want.

Arms Wrapped around,
Lips near my ear,
Moments to remember.
That's all I want.

Silk woven around,
Our own little World,
Smiles all we see.
That's all I want.

Wounds healed,
Scars traced,
Love our new addiction.
That's all I want.

To be the only one,
To look deep into her eyes,
To make her smile light up.
That's all I want.

She is all that I want.

What happened shouldn't have
Those things should have never left your mind
My mask fell so hard
I can’t find it now
Pain filled me
I will never trust again

I miss you inevitably
It's that twisting pulling feeling i get
At the bootum of my heart
In the pit of my stomach.

The desparate need to be near you
The pain of hearing your voice.
Nothing can replace you
I have already tried and will lose again.

Seeing you every day to day
Not to touch you or to pull you close
That wrenching feling every time
Those painful beautiful memories come to mind.

Nights are the worse
Darkness folds in, and I swear...

I can feel your arms around me
Your lips brushing against mine
The feeling of breath caressing my check
Along with warmth once so near now fleeting.

Those whispered words of affection are now lost in translation
You speak words I'm unable to follow
My need for protection is nearing perfction
I've lost you my dear and have no way to reach you

I love you so hopelessly, it's eating at me carelessly
society warned me but i came after you anyways

You loved me though right?
After all those late nights
You must have felt something, but to give up this fight?

They said I was poison
They warned you were selfish
But I never left not even for a second

Where did I leave you?
How did I miss you?
Those feelings you left me,
They've all but consumed me.

Little hits here and there
Snide comments left hanging in air
From all angles it seems familiar
Until one brave one shines truth on the matter.

I never saw these things as bad
They were part of the life I've lead
She showed me light
And now I'm scared.

If pushed to far
where am I left?
Laying hurt and bruised
With no where to go?

Bruised as week old apples in the back row
Haggard and worn until all is a blur
Left behind closed doors
Hidden under colder weather.

Love is like a tear
Warm and comforting at first
But leaves a shadow of itself
Resting on your cheek
It is pulled away
By an unknown force
Be it life or gravity
As it falls
You want to chase after
To bring it back to you
Back to where you believe it belongs
It is seen as a weakness
Though no other can see
How strong it makes you
After it breaks you
It leads to hard taught skills
Rough skin covering fragile veins
Dark glints in gleaming eyes
A few less words
But much more meaning
Love is an everlasting tear

I can’t sleep
It eludes me
Taunts me from afar
Every time I close my eyes
I see him
Standing there
Looking at me
Touching me
Tormenting me
Playing it off
Acting like nothing happened
But it did
It did

Shroud in morning light,
My heart sinks,
As she lays in the arms of another,
Her beautiful laughter ringing out.

So sad it is not to cause her laughter,
Not to be the warm arms she craves,
Never again to wake up to sleepy kisses;
She loves another now.

Once upon a time,
We spoke of happily ever after.
Now all that's left is long looks
And stolen breaths.

Still, when her eyes find mine
I see the spark.
So cleverly hidden
All looks to be dark.

Smooth skin under my touch,
Eyelashes ever so soft flutter close,
Breath held not to escape the moment,
Ghosts of plush lips on mine haunt.

Hair placed behind ears
By ever shaking hands.
The closest they may get
To the one they crave the most.

Eyes so full of hidden hurt
All I want is to pull her close
Whisper my love for her
And hear her breath my name.

Protection from the nightmares
Is something I may not be able to give.
Though I will always be here
A safe haven for her defense.

Bodies made for each other,
Fit together like long lost halves of one forever heart.
Minds so different,
They always seem to complete each other.

Secrets whispered in the dark,
While breaths stir mused hair of the other.
The ability to trust thought to be forever lost,
Found in the love of a guarded heart.

I know it's not fair
I know it's not right
These feelings I have
Bring nothing but despair.

You are my light
When fog claws at my mind.
Though what am I to do,
When the light is not there?

I see the light
In my minds eye
Images run ramped
Feeling cut lose.

My heart has hardened
If only for a moment
Thoughts cut deep
As if knives in the dark.

I am not scared
Of things like the dark.
I am scared
Of what comes with the dark.

Even when I'm in your arms tight
The monsters want to stay and play.
My mind is not welcome here
For all it brings is fear and tears.

My mind is the monsters in the dark
It is what makes these unjust feelings
It wraps me in chains
Whenever you are not here.

I know it's to much
But I am my minds new play thing
So please stay here
For I fear of times unknown.

Others have names for it
From good to bad.
But I hope you know I try
To suppress these feelings of the night.

Though you say you will stay
And I believe you will
My mind refuses to play along with this game,
It has decided on new rules on how to play.

It keeps me up at night
To tie spined ribbons in bows
Around my heart.
It makes it hard when you do not stay.

I once again know
That you would not play these games.
Though my mind still presses replay
With your name to an old face.

Old fears do not know their place
They try to worm their way in.
After having been resurrected
By my minds cruel ways.

I'm sorry for all of this madness.
But my mind is taking me farther into wonderland
To where wander drops back to fear
And my heart is caught prisoner.

You unlock the cage that my mind has put around my heart.
But once moments return to memories
And warmth has died always
My mind cones back out to play.

You are my new drug
And I love every second of it.
I don't crash every moment we're apart
Only when no words have been spoken.

My voice grows stronger with the thought of you,
And my heart is once again light as a feather
My eyes open to see lights in the stars
Just as if you were here.

My mind still pushes me toward others,
But my heart is firmly rooted in you.
My mind also pushes the idea of you with other,
But my heart knows you are true.

I know these things that I feel are not feelings,
But the pain does not realize this,
It's all the same to it
For the pain is a creation of my mind and heart.

Arms left hanging above my head
As a silent war wages
Words of torment ring
Through my head

Sitting here with others
While a silent torture is mine to endure
My body daring to continue
Mind falling to pieces

He who should save me
Is the cause of my torment
She who has saved me
Is my dearest wish

The wish I dare to dream
Forgiveness not a possibility
Fantasies turning into reality
Though my mind continues to dissect

Everything good
That comes my way
Falls to my hearts blade
In the form of attacks

It ended with me saying
“That was nice”
Into the night
As I laid there
The feeling of your lips
Still resting on mine
I hadn’t expected to do it
But now I’m excited
I wasn’t as gone as I acted
That was me
Yes I wasn’t all there
But more there than I said
I walked over in the dark
Hoping it was the alcohol
Praying it was the drugs
In reality
It was your face
Through the light of my lighter
Smiling at me
Laughing with me
All of it lead to it
To me leaning over
My fingers on your chin
Bringing you to me
Kissing you
You grabbing my hand in the dark
The feelings of it all lingering
‘Til you fell asleep
And it all ended where this began

Passion seeps from her
Loving beyond compare
Uncontrollable for her own good
More of a person than anyone else

Words can not translate
This death inside me
Though it is nothing
To the pain I caused

Words to sharp to be held close
Shoes left to bare toes
Tears running down cheeks
Embraces one sided

Words can not fix this
They only further dispute
Actions could possibly
Save my sense of reality

Words were the beginning
Those of sincere concern
Looks of secret passion
All lead to devastation  

Words of endearment
Now left open ended
No place to rest in the cold
Winter is drawing nearer

Words of colder weather
Bring beautiful water clearer
White snow drifts fill
Those old hand prints

Words brought my world to a halt
Shattered my soul
Tore at my heart
All else is to be sold

Words of bargains to learn
Broken minds excluded
Those who tease me
Should learn to fear me

Words of rage spilt
Across open air
Red drips
Through the storm grate

Words broke me
But they also healed
Now they steel me
Away from humanity

Words whispered in ears
These all took root
'She's poisonous' they hiss
This is not amiss

Words birth beliefs
Those that wreck worlds
My world fell
Never to to rebuild

Words can not explain
This hollow hunger that eats me
Busy all day
But still I miss you

Words of longing
Caught in my throat
Once to sweet
Now cut much to deep

Words of caution to those I seek
I beg you now
Leave as swiftly
With fear under feet

Words of wonder at last
How is one to forgive my mistakes?
All that I'm worth I put it all at stake
My love must compete against the hate.