Would you like to leave early?
Go ahead and leave
Can I stay just a little bit longer,
So I can leave when everyone else does?
No just leave now
I won’t look at you again
Getting back home to something I didn’t see
I didn’t believe
I keep walking
I don’t want to breathe
My mind is spilling from my mouth
Can I curl into a shell and seal it away with no spaces
My vacuum chamber
I don’t want to breathe
I’m not even tired
But I don’t want to be awake
Or even asleep for that matter
I don’t want to be
Can I just go early?
I don’t want to be alive anymore
Where is the bottle
It doesn’t even work anymore

I didn't want to be honest with myself
I didn't want to look at the truth
I didn't want to let go or admit you were right
Because then I'd have to admit I fell in love
Because I wanted to
Not because it actually felt right
Because I had a whole process for this
I'm a king and I was looking for my queen
And I let you sit up here with me
Knowing you weren't fit to yet
Just hoping you would change and grow and learn
But rather than come up with me
You pulled me down to you
And now I have to make my way back up home
Because you didn't want to change
You pretended to want to grow
You learn way too slow
I blamed myself and said I learn slow
But I've never been like that
I learn quick
I was willing to slow down for you
But you don't even want to move
I just wasn't listening
But you've been saying you wanted to give up the whole time
You made me want to be better
But I just made you feel worse
You tried to tear me down and got mad when it didn't work
You saw that I was happy and okay
You saw I had a family to go back to
And all you had to say was
"It must be nice."
Even though I was holding my hand out to you,
Even though I shared my family with you,
You just wanted to take it from me.
You didn't care about your pain stopping,
You just wanted me to hurt too.

Oh my god,
Stop pretending,
Like hardening your heart makes you strong,
Someone switched up but you're shaking,
And they're off fine while you cry.
You wanted to play so I showed you the game,
Now you're just mad 'cause I won,
But there's no pride in being good at this,
I don't like it either.
When I was a kid I liked it,
I didn't mind being alone,
But now I'm so lonely and I just want a home.
I left mine behind for the light in your eyes,
But you don't even see it,
Your mind is filled up with lies.
You don't want to admit that it's time to grow up,
You could change things right now,
But you're still stuck playing this game that you **** at,
Asserting you can win, and you can both be and have the prize,
While every day you struggle to search for a reason to live,
Other than that you simply won't **** yourself.
Honestly, you'd be better off doing it,
Because all you win from that game is nothing more to lose.
You see, once you die,
There's nothing to lose either,
But at least you'll find the truth,
That you wasted all this time,
Breaking down everything,
And building up nothing.
At last, you'll sit in a place where you can do nothing forever,
Because that's all you really wanted, right?
And to even hear these words would hurt you,
Because the truth is so harsh,
Maybe you should've made it nicer for yourself.
A truth you would actually like,
But you weren't willing to work,
You settled for reality as it was given to you,
****.
Then you created all these lies,
Surrounded yourself with them,
Blinded your eyes with all these illusions,
That, yes, while they look so pretty,
They don't exist,
And you say to yourself,
****.
What the **** were you expecting?
Everything?
You didn't do anything,
This is what's waiting for you,
Nothing.
I reject nothing,
I refuse to settle,
I will change,
Myself and my world,
Because this one that I live and experience is mine,
And mine alone.
It's on each individual to create their happiness,
And I can be a master.
I was made to be.
I'm not happy alone.
I got what I wanted from that.
Now I'm ready to have friends and family and company.
All are welcome.
It just takes work to get here.
The cool part is that the work is fun,
And the reward is even greater.
It lasts forever and it never goes away,
It gives you confidence and pushes you forward,
And you can always look back and remember,
This is how I got where I am now,
Every success  is a landmark,
That no  matter which one you're looking for,
It's always standing out,
And it feels so great to look back,
And see every single one in perfect light and clarity,
And follow the trail up to where you are now,
And you remember how great and amazing you are,
How beautiful you are,
How perfect you are,
You fall in love with yourself,
You love yourself,
You take care of yourself,
You give everything to yourself,
You see that in that,
You also give to everyone around you,
Everyone gets everything,
Everyone can be happy,
Together.
I will get here without you.
If you choose not to join,
I'll still make the journey myself.
But you have no idea,
I wish more than anything,
That you would come with me.

You drag me by the collar you've placed around my neck, and when I stand up to run with you, you trip me back down. Should I try to take it off, you'll smack me and put it back on. Yet for some reason I enjoy this. I have the power to put you beneath me. But maybe it's because this is the only way I can keep some relationship with you.  And though you won't believe it, I've never wanted to hurt you. I know I pulled this out of you when I did so and then refused to let you heal. But my power comes from a dark place. Do not push it out, because it won't spare you. We've got to stop this eventually. We were supposed to love each other...

Yes, I can stay here just like this,
And keep doing this to myself over and over, forever.
Eventually my mind will break.
Eventually I'll lose it and I can stop loving you like this.
Every single word that burns my ears leaves them ringing,
Because each time you do,
I know that's the last time I'll hear it.
Eventually I'll be deaf.  
Then I will stop hearing your song.
Then I can stop loving you like this.
Eventually I'll learn to associate your name with pain,
So that I flinch back at it,
So that I'm scared to come around,
All that will be left is a rainbow over a dead, burnt, empty field, amidst a gray sky,
And I'll wonder why it continues to shine it's colors in the darkness,
So deep light cannot escape it,
Then you will not reach me,
Then I can stop loving you like this.

I wonder if you even know I exist anymore.
If you ever stop to think of me for even a moment.
It doesn't seem like you do.
It's been so long since I've heard from you,
but you still seem like the same person.
I wonder if I had some sort of negative influence in your life,
That you decided to completely erase your memory of me.
I sure hope not.
And if I did, then I'm sorry.
I did the same to someone afterwards,
And I feel awful about it.
I wish I could apologize to them.
But at this point,
I think it would do more harm than good.

You will speak of how you're loving yourself,
And how you hate me.
I will speak of how I loved you,
And how I'll always hate myself.
You will speak of how I took everything from you,
I'll explain how hard I tried never to take anything from you.
You will speak of how there's so many men who are better and will give you the world,
I'll accept that I'm not the best, and all I owned was this one room in this building in this city in this country in this world.
There will have been so many who owned everything I didn't,
And they could spoil you with their wealth,
Yet even amongst my poverty,
I was always willing to give everything I had to you.
And although I knew it wasn't enough to fix  everything,
I wished it would've counted as much as it cost me.
You will speak of how I was nothing and you're better off now.
I will speak of how you were everything and I wish you had stayed.

I've always hated when people do this,
When people make indirect public notes,
And they're obviously for someone,
So I'm always thinking "Just ******* send it to them."
But now I understand why,
It's not because they haven't tried,
****, I tried my *** off,
I tried so desperately to keep you,
And you did everything but let me.
So I see now,
These posts that before seemed so pointless,
They now have a purpose.
I see that it's because you need to get it out,
Write a letter and not send it,
Just leave it out on the table,
And hope that the person across will bother to pick it up,
And read it,
And maybe it's too hopeful,
But possibly even turn the letter over,
And write a response on the back.
And I hope with every drop of my soul,
That you see this and have some explanation,
Even though it doesn't matter what you say,
I'll never believe you again.
I don't care what you or anyone says,
No he wasn't just a friend,
I don't care who you are,
You don't sleep with just a friend.
I don't know why you would do this,
I did nothing to hurt you,
I ******* lost my head over you,
I felt like I was losing my sanity,
I wasn't myself because of you.
I became such a minuscule piece ****,
Because of you.
I just wanted you.
That was all.
And you kept saying you thought I was lying,
You thought I was talking to someone else.
You blamed it on people of the past,
Maybe thinking that would make it okay.
But you know what they say,
It's the partner who would or is,
That suspects the other of doing so.
And I guess you just became another tally,
Under the side labeled "Doesn't Care"
And I became one on the other side,
Labeled
"Cares way too ******* much and trusts way too ******* much and feels way too ******* much and is honest way too ******* much because this world shreds apart people like these"
I don't understand.
I've never understood.
And I've always felt misunderstood.
I thought you would be the one to make a difference.
I've always wanted to keep a positive view,
I've always wanted to think that humans are good,
And for some reason I can't understand,
You seem determined to destroy that.
Congratulations.
It worked.
I no longer believe the best.
I no longer want to be with anyone.
I just want to be alone.
Because I know I won't hurt myself.
I know I can trust myself.
"Through this I've come to realize that if I were God,
We would've all just died,
Because darling you were mine,
And now I feel so dead inside,
And what good am I if all I can do,
Is create a projection of my own mind."
And and I genuinely hoped those words would never strike me so deeply.
But that's all I can believe now that everything is gone.
"A picture is worth a thousand words or whatever people say to me,
It's hard to believe when your mind is lost and in need,
And all you can picture is a memory inside of someone else's sheets,
A prayer that nothing will keep,
A hope that light will seek before the dark sinks too deep."
But it's already gotten there.
You seemed intent on forcing it down,
With that image exactly,
I bet with every ******,
You imaged a knife stabbing me,
At least I know that's how I felt,
When I saw the truth.
It felt like every knife was forced in at the same time,
And there were hundreds,
Maybe thousands even,
And I just wish one of them would've been real.
And as the fool I am,
I can't help but think "What did I do wrong?"
Even though I know it's not my fault,
But I can't convince myself that the person I saw as perfect,
Would've done something so cold.
Please, try at least a little,
Because although I know that will hurt me,
At least for the end I won't feel so alone,
Because you cared enough to try at least a little,
At least at the end.
All I can say has come from this,
Is the last bit of strength I needed,
And now I'm not afraid.
So thank you.

And I want you here now more than ever,
Because you would know what to say,
You would know where to go,
And you could take my hand and guide me there.
I feel so close to the bottom,
I'm scared to get there,
Because I've always been carried,
And now I'm all on my own.
And clearly I didn't handle this well,
Clearly I made a big mistake a ways back,
And I keep making more mistakes,
That made this little ball into a spool,
A spool of the winding errors,
Funneling into the pool,
That has became a display fair,
Consisting of everything I've done in life,
That I've regretted and wished I could change,
And somehow all of that led to the place I am now.
It's like a procession,
Like everything you would walk through,
Was in chronological order and somehow,
It made sense that it ended up here,
It wouldn't seem so illogical,
If it weren't for my dream being right here,
In my reach,
Right in front of me,
And gazing at me so intently,
I can't help but be in love and want it all the more.
But I've ****** everything up so bad,
It's hard to believe that what I want can still be had.
That's why every time I look at her,
My immediate thought is that,
This isn't real,
And there's some joke on me that I am not catching,
Some kind of trick pulled out of a hat,
That it's just a play,
For someone else's entertainment,
And that right when I decide to reach and grab it,
That's when the point of the story is clear,
That drop is when cup overflows,
Or when I walk into the crosshairs,
Or the final straw that broke my strength.
And I just can't do it.
I can't do this again.
When every single day,
The increment between the times I say,
"I want to be alive."
And
"I want to be dead."
Continues increasing, and not in the way it should,
Well I'm just too scared to take the chance.
But despite my fear,
She's just so beautiful,
And her allure is so mesmerizing,
I don't push myself to get closer,
But I don't stop myself either.
I just let myself keep going,
And hope for the best.
I don't want to get my hopes up,
Because I don't expect the best,
But it's hard to deny that in my heart,
I truly want this.
And I want you here now more than ever,
Because you were my home,
You were my safe house,
And no mattered how far I went,
I knew I could always come back,
And you would hold me warm in your arms,
And I could hear the beat of your heart,
Whispering to me that things are okay.
It's unsettling without you.
Everything seems so unfamiliar and estranged.
It doesn't feel like home.
All the nice things are only so for a moment,
They're more like slow acting poisons.
And I'm looking at this girl thinking,
Is she another venom to pulse through my veins,
Or is that really light in her eyes,
Pulling me out of the darkness of this abyss?
And I want you here now more than ever,
Not because I still cling to your lifeless fingertips,
But because this could be another chance at life,
And you would know what to do.

I like ***,
I like drugs,
I like money.

It makes me feel okay.

It makes me feel less like killing myself.

When you had a bae
But then she was just like
"Aye, so this guy asked me out and I said yes"
So now you're just sad.
Because I'm alone now,
You see I wasn't like you,
I didn't have someone else,
I had these feelings I felt,
And they were only for you.
Because when everyone else wasn't,
You still were.
You were who I had
And that was all that I wanted.
And you made it seem so easy to just let me go,
Because maybe this had been building so,
When he came you just said
"Yeah *****, I'm down"
Even though that meant letting me down.
And that hurt me so much,
Because I loved you,
I really ******* did,
And I know that
Because now it's been more than a year,
And still sitting here,
Hoping it won't work out,
So you'll come back and say
"I'm sorry for backing out"
Like I did when it didn't for me,
And I know I was an ***,
But ****, time allows for this to pass,
And I'm hoping, dreaming even,
That this does too, to keep things even,
You see, I hope that you hurt,
That in the days and weeks proceeding
You felt at a loss because you didn't have me.
You let go of me,
But how am I supposed to be free
When I'm trapped inside me?
When we were together
I had a whole other world to explore
But suddenly it was like
Donald Trump built his wall,
And I was imprisoned inside
In the world that I knew but was falling apart.
You see, I hope that you hurt.
Not because I want you to be sad,
All I ever wanted was for you to be happy.
But not like this,
I wanted to be happy with you.
And I'm glad that you smile,
I'm so grateful that you're happy,
But I can't deny
That I'm ******* mad.
No, that I'm sad,
Because you didn't include me.
Like it was only about you.
I was only about you.
I wish you had been about me,
The same way,
I would always say,
That every passing day
I would continue to stay
With You.
Does it mean that I can wait
Two years for a fate
That says I can ask you out,
And then again you'll back out,
But this time it's better,
Because it'll be for the better,
The better of me,
I am selfish, you see.
Or will things have changed,
Be rearranged
To fit a kaleidoscope
That eliminates my hope?
I sure hope not,
Because I still want you here,
In a figurative sense,
Like it always had been,
I'm sorry there was distance
And that that made it hard,
To remember that we existed
In each other's hearts.
But in a way that made it real,
I was only to you,
And you were only to me,
No else would know how we feel,
And we kept that between us,
And that is what we must
Continue to be
So no one would see,
And no one would get between
The lines that tied you to me.
I can't get through to you,
But what else am I supposed to do?
Even though today
I am no closer to you,
Than I was a year ago,
When I was unprepared for this change
That to me was nothing but strange,
And anything but welcome.
I'm writing to you,
And I know you won't see this,
But I hope that you do,
Because no one else will care.
And I hope that when you see this,
It will bring back something,
Something that is okay
In my world of things that are not okay.

I am the light that guides you,
Should you be seeking to leave the dark.

Similarly,

I can be the shadows that immerse you,
Should the light have left you blinded.

I could've said something cooler when she asked,
She may have been interested,
I could've had a chance,
Maybe for a single moment,
She noticed me just a little bit more,
More than the 367 other guys,
And she wanted to know if I was good enough,
If I had enough to offer her,
Or to offer anyone,
To be able to support more than myself,
And clearly my job doesn't allow that,
But she was careful with her words,
She left herself plenty of space to back out,
And so when she asked me,
And I replied with the honest truth,
      "I work at an elementary school."
She brushed me away,
Let her mind drift to something or someone else,
Because a job like mine,
Where I'm below the new minimum wage,
Where I can rarely get a full shift,
Where I sit and play and talk with kids,
And just take care of them,
Until their parents finish with their real jobs,
And come pick them up,
That kind of job,
It can't even support me,
Much less someone else,
And I'm sure she noticed that,
I'm sure that was her first thought,
And I knew it would be,
But I was hopeful,
And I know lies can only go so far,
So I was honest,
And I hoped trying to be nice might get me somewhere,
Maybe a chance to talk beyond a couple replies,
But I was too hopeful,
Being honest as I am never got me anywhere.
But I have to say it was nice,
I liked for a second feeling like a someone to her,
And I have to say if things worked out,
I would give up what little I have,
To give her what little I can,
And maybe it wouldn't be the most,
Maybe it wouldn't have the most monetary value,
Maybe it wouldn't shine the most,
Maybe it wouldn't weigh the most,
But what it does would mean the most,
Because it's all I could give,
And I'd choose to give it to her,
And I would only wish that she'd see it the same,
So that she would be happy,
Because even if I'm not for myself,
If I could make her smile,
I would be happy for her,
And that would mean all the more,
Because I don't only live for me,
To see others smile makes me smile too,
And that's why I have the job I have,
Because every day I can make the kids laugh and smile,
And no,
It won't matter anyone else,
My superiors won't notice,
I won't get a raise,
The parents won't notice,
They won't tip me,
No potential partner would notice,
They wouldn't consider me more for that,
But the children will,
And I will,
I'll notice when they smile,
And they'll notice when they laugh,
And they'll be happy,
And to be able to make another human happy,
Well,
That makes me a little happier,
And to give a child a hug,
One their parents didn't give them,
To be able to teach and guide them,
Because their parents aren't there to,
To be able to give them a happy memory to look back on,
Well,
I'm glad they'll think back to being a kid,
And yes,
Maybe their parents weren't always there,
Because they had to work,
Or for some other reason,
But it doesn't mean they weren't happy,
And it doesn't mean no one cared about them,
It doesn't mean they missed anything other kids had,
I don't think I'd be a good parent,
But just like a parent,
I hope these kids don't make the same mistakes I did,
I hope the advice I gave and lessons I tried to teach,
I hope they made some difference,
I hope when they're my age,
They'll have a better job,
So that when they're asked where they work,
They won't have to be embarrassed to give an honest answer,
And they'll be considered,
And they'll be wanted,
And maybe even loved,
And that's why I keep the job I have,
I might not have the best of everything,
Or anything,
But if I can't have it,
Then I hope someone else can,
I hope someone else can have the happiness I haven't.

"Victor, Victor, Victor."

"Mr. Victor."

"Victor!"

"Victor! Victor! Victor!"

"Mr. Victor!"

"MR. VICTOR"

"VICTOR!"

"VICTOR!"

"...Yes?" I quietly reply with a brief exhale.

"What do you need?"

I can't sleep,
With thoughts of you clouding my mind,
And this is an unusual feeling,
One I'm unfamiliar with.

I'm used to thinking of one I love,
And the thought brings me a smile,
A calm heart and a calm mind,
One that puts me right to sleep.

But right now at this moment,
Just keeping my eyes closed is difficult,
Because you are painted on the backs of my eyelids,
And I know I can't be with you right now.

You, in all your beauty, are too much for me,
I cannot see you without feeling you,
And this is an unusual feeling,
Because it hurts my heart.

On a common night,
Your smile would put my soul at peace,
And set my body at rest,
But tonight is uncommonly longer.

Keeping my eyes open makes me all the more aware,
Of all this time passing me by,
And me alone,
Because you are not with me.

I am all too aware of the extra space on my bed,
I am all too aware of the emptiness beneath my hands,
And this is an unusual feeling,
Because love for you usually compensates.

But it seems that right now,
Mere thoughts simply won't do,
I need you here with me,
In all your physical presence.

I cannot sleep without you to hold tightly,
And I cannot stand to close my fingers around nothing,
I cannot stand to reach forward and only feel blankets,
Until my arm is reaching into thin air.

Now only your presence will let me rest,
I need to feel your soft skin at my fingertips,
And your lips brush right up to mine,
The curve of your waist under one hand.

And this is an unusual feeling,
Because I am not usually one to commit,
But I can confidently say I want to marry you,
And that I want to spend every day I have left,

          With you.

I think I finally understand,
The cycle of life is a short one,
There are joys and sorrows,
And we leave when what's done is done.

At the dawn of day,
We while the time away,
With the foolish things we say,
And the childish games we play.

We fight and we argue,
We hate and we offend,
But even amidst the chaos,
We fall in love and we come to love.

But when the time has come for dusk,
We remove our two ivory tusks,
Our armaments of brusque,
And we leave behind our husk.

And just as life passes us by discreetly,
So does death embrace us oh so sweetly.
A bright beginning and a lovely end,
One we must peacefully accept as a friend.

We inhale the wind that is life,
And we exhale the air that is death,
We let go of each and every strife,
As we release our last breath.

And when the last instant has come to us,
We experience our final moment of perfect bliss.

I, too, have experienced falling in love,
And though I may not spend my life with you,
I am certain of only a single fact,
That I wish you to be my last caress.

I have always loved you,
And we will meet again someday,
Not because it's likely,
But because I will it so.
Maybe it's a pure coincidence,
That three times already we've reunited,
But that coincidence may only exist,
Because I will it so.

I have always watched you,
And we will meet again someday,
Not because we were meant for each other,
But because I will it so.
Maybe it was us,
We desperately made ourselves compatible,
But our infinite lonliness will always be consoled,
Because I will it so.

I have always been with you,
And we will meet again someday,
Not because it's a habit to remain tied,
But because I will it so.
Maybe I am problemed,
In the way that I cannot let you go,
But you have never let me go,
And I will that so.

I don't think I've ever truly understood the concept of having friends.
Is it that guy that whenever we hang out, we always get ******?
Or is it that guy that forced me to open up to him, yet we only talk twice a year?
Or possibly that girl I always wanted to be close to, but she never let me in?
If so, having friends sure is lonely...

Sometimes I feel like I'm back,
Like I'm ******* back,
Back in the life I used to live,
Back in my old body with a weak chest,
And caving in ribs,
Like every single muscle is so relaxed,
Because it has no reason to move.

Sometimes I feel like I'm back,
Like I'm living in the past,
But I'm more alive than I have been,
And I am again who I once knew,
The person I am at heart,
Along with all the love,
And the sadness and pain.

And it hurts,
It hurts so ******* much,
I remember that I'm dying,
But I feel most alive,
When I am who I am,
And I'm not who I'm not,
And I live as myself.

I escaped myself for some time,
For quite nearly an age,
I was just like everyone,
Who lives in their minds,
I focused on my ego,
I pursued my selfishness,
And I neglected the humanity of others.

I was Normal.

But if I'm to stay that way,
I need to be smarter than that,
Than to return to any things of my past,
Any parts of myself,
I just can't look back,
I can't remember that life,
Where I was for so many years.

I am here now...
And I remember now...
I am alive now...
And I am myself now...
And it's difficult to make the decision now,
Wether I should accept the new hollow person I became,
Or to return to the person with mind and heart in harmony.

I am Not Normal.

Because despite my unity of soul and spirit,
The link only exists as it degrades,
And with it degrades the rest of me,
All of which I once was and am,
My health,
My sanity,
And my existence.

And it splits me,
From a single central point,
In every radial direction,
Making pieces out of me,
Like a puzzle no one puts together,
Because the masterpiece painted on it,
Might be too much to want to see.

As much as I want to dislike you,
I can't say I don't miss talking to you.

As much as I want to resent you,
I can't say I don't miss thinking I had a chance with you.

As much as I want to loathe seeing your face,
Your smile and your eyes are just too beautiful.

As much as I want to reject you when you say hi,
Every word just sounds so sweet.

As much as I want to wish you death,
I can't help thinking I'd die with you.

As much I want to hate you,
Like I've never hated anyone before,
As much as I want to hate someone for the very first time,
I can't help but admit that I really fell in love with you.

The more you know,
               The more you know you don't know.

I feel like I'm getting to know less of you...
              ... If that makes any sense.

Because even with you it's still not enough,
I still need more,
And it's not that it's any of your fault,
It's just that I've overdosed too many times.
It's like loading a bowl,
Then clearing it in one hit,
I never stop there,
I always keep going.
Sure, it feels good while it lasts,
But I know when I come back down to earth,
I'll only feel worse,
I'm just not high enough.
I need to feel that release,
I need to forget,
I need to leave,
Abandon everything I can't stand.
I'm addicted to those things,
Oxytocin that makes me want to try,
Dopamine that presents me true pleasure,
Serotonin that makes happiness last days.
But you see,
I've built up tolerance,
In every ounce of my body,
And any less can't suffice.
I want to say I love you,
But I'm not sure that it's true,
Or if I'm not done feeling good,
And I want to believe it's more true than it is.
But even still,
I just can't let you go,
I'm sorry,
But this is going to hurt.

If you were a coloring book,
I would be mad,
That after opening the cover,
There's no spaces left for me to color.

If you were water,
I would freeze you,
Immobile,
And gently stroke my fingers across your surface.

If you were wooden,
You'd be the finest sculpture,
That I would burn with every touch in every crease,
And leave ashen.

If you were an egg,
I'd take the utmost care to not drop you,
And the only place I would break your shell,
Is at the bottom where I'd fit perfectly.

If you were a string,
I'd tie you up tightly around me,
So that you could never leave me,
And I could always feel you on my skin.

If you were lava,
I would gladly burn off my flesh,
And I wouldn't hesitate to go inside you,
Because I'm used to feeling you down to my bones.

Yes, I'm that type of person.

I'm the type of person that gives up when it's hard.
I'm the type of person that can't stand to be alone.
I'm the type of person that's naturally depressed.
I'm the type of person that can't stand company.
I'm the type of person that's completely unmotivated.
I'm the type of person that forgets myself.
I'm the type of person that's emotionally weak.
I'm the type of person that changes by the hour.
I'm the type of person that has limited will power.
I'm the type of person that always sees what's wrong.
I'm the type of person that can't speak.
I'm the type of person that's often ignored.
I'm the type of person that doesn't pay attention.
I'm the type of person that rarely finishes.
I'm the type of person that allows chaos to happen.
I'm the type of person that can't always love.
I'm the type of person that has so much selfishness.
I'm the type of person that's stuck inside myself.
I'm the type of person that can't always see.
I'm the type of person that dwells in the dark.
I'm the type of person that becomes insensitive.
I'm the type of person that feels everything to the extreme.
I'm the type of person that dies at dusk every day.
I'm the type of person that tires much too quickly.
I'm the type of person that just doesn't care enough.
I'm the type of person that won't let you in.
I'm the type of person that has a low self-esteem.
I'm the type of person that raises my confidence by faking it.
I'm the type of person that's often getting lost.
I'm the type of person that's different.

Yes, I'm that type of person.

I'm the type of person that knows who I am.
I'm the type of person that gets back up to try again.
I'm the type of person that isn't afraid to ask.
I'm the type of person that offers help, even when you don't need it.
I'm the type of person that remembers what it felt like.
I'm the type of person that sees a person's soul.
I'm the type of person that usually thinks things through.
I'm the type of person that doesn't regret mistakes.
I'm the type of person that strives to be better.
I'm the type of person that has so much to give.
I'm the type of person that's concerned when you are not.
I'm the type of person that tries to be happy.
I'm the type of person that accepts the ones around me.
I'm the type of person that tries to understand.
I'm the type of person that still tries to work hard.
I'm the type of person that enjoys every silence.
I'm the type of person that dwells in notes of music.
I'm the type of person that won't stop loving.
I'm the type of person that forgives in an instant.
I'm the type of person that knows how to relax.
I'm the type of person that works towards perfection.
I'm the type of person that sees the good in people.
I'm the type of person that accepts my own differences.
I'm the type of person that is firm in my beliefs.
I'm the type of person that is open to change.
I'm the type of person that accepts my sexuality.
I'm the type of person that tries to be pretty.
I'm the type of person that can possess so much confidence.
I'm the type of person that is one with mind and heart.
I'm the type of person that creates peace around me.
I'm the type of person that knew you before you did.
I'm the type of person that you won't forget.

Yes, I'm that type of person.

But most importantly, I am myself.
I will meet you when you are yourself.
And I won't forget you.
So, please, don't forget me.

Yes, I'm that type of person.

At this point,
3.047619% of you
Are satisfied with what I've provided,
For you.

I'm wasting my money away,
Like its alive and running astray.
My first pay check disappeared,
Before they knew what they feared.
When I'm down and oppressed,
The one way I can still express,
That I'm myself, not any less,
Is to spoil myself with things in excess.
My mother clearly thinks I'm stupid,
That I'm only young and deluded.
And my father, with his selfish sneers,
Expects monetary repayment for a debt of 18 years.
So with their own uneducated impressions,
And their age-induced mindset regressions,
They give in to their control obsessions,
And provoke all my hidden depressions.
And when I can't make use of drugs,
Or feel the pleasure of lustful hugs,
The only thing I've left to do,
The only way to make it through,
Is spend and spend all that I can,
Use all what's left inside my hand,
Prove that all their reprimand,
Has no authority, gives no command.

Yet the only purpose for all this ridiculous strife,
Is to demonstrate that I'm the one who controls my life.

Its been a while since you left,
But I never accepted you were gone.

I just pushed away the thought you,
And tried to forget those 9 months existed.

For all I remembered, the Creator made a mistake,
And time skipped right over three seasons.

But looking at our words,
I can't deny what is true.

What we left behind had more power than us both,
And so neither of us could destroy it.

And as everything is rushing back,
I don't know what to do,
Because one thing is still missing,
And that one thing is you.

It's been 6 months since it ended,
Yet it feels like 6 years.

I forced tears from my eyes,
Thinking you might return to dry them.

I forced blood from my eyes,
To make space for you in my veins.

But you didn't.
You couldn't.
You can't.
And you won't.

It was a nightmarish hope,
That a mortal soul could **** Death.

And still I'm clinging to you,
Like the ink on a note.

You're my blood that flows,
Through the artery in my throat.

How I'd love to cut you away,
Just to cease shedding tears.

But Death won't yet take me,
Death feeds off my fears.

I expected your return,
But the thought was outrageous,
'Cause the insane part of my mind,
It's proving to be ageless.

I'd beg you to return and receive no answer,
Surrounded by the air that contains a rejected request.
For some reason, the desire of temptresses,
And THC smoke are all that fills my chest.

I decided to make the cross from the bathroom to my bedroom quick.

Everyone was already sleeping so all the lights in the house were off.

As I stepped from the light to the dark I was blinded, but I knew someone else could see.

As I stood at my door a second or two to open it, I felt a presence approach.

But I rushed into my room because I'd rather not know.

I closed my door and almost locked it, then reconsidered, in case I had to get out.

My blankets and sheets were on the bed, as I had just laundered them.

I stared at the door as I made my bed, 'cause I knew something was out there.

I avoided turning my back to the door so as to not be vulnerable.

I stared at the door as I pulled the cover back and lay down.

I was turning off the light but quickly flicked my head back over, I know I heard something.

There's a wolf outside my door.
There are Wolves outside my door.
They might be feasting on the others.
I'm the only one who sleeps with the door shut.

I procrastinated turning off the light before finally accepting nothing was going to happen.

But there's still something out there, I can feel it in my spine.

There are Wolves out there waiting to consume me as soon as my eyes shut.

My flesh, my body, my soul, my entire being, my very essence, they're waiting.

I've got work tomorrow, and school as well, I have to go tomorrow.

Hell, I hate both, but if needing to go keeps me alive, I can't die now.

I'm staying awake because I want to be ready to run when the Wolves come in.

I just turned the light back on, I want to know what's around me.

But now that I think about it, I'm letting them know I'm here.

I wanted to affirm their lack of presence, but just confirmed my own.

There's Wolves,
Outside my door,
Outside my window,
Inside my closet,
Under my bed,
Inside my head,
And they won't leave,
Not until I'm dead.

Five years ago I died.
I don't know if I revived.

****, thirteen really was hard,
But it was the best played card.

Seems like every day in the past
Still continues, overlaps, and lasts.

I don't know if I'm living in the future,
Or staying behind like an immobile creature.

I don't know what happened.
I don't know what's happening.

People just come and people just go,
'Cause relative to arrival, departure is slow.

You want to see the reality of me?
Good luck finding it, if it may be.

I died five years ago.
Nobody noticed.

My mom said she loves me.
My father did, too.

I think I believed her more than him.
I think he only cares about himself.

That's were I got my **** from.
I can't say I'm better than that.

It's all I was taught.
And now it's hard to get rid of it.

I'm pretty gone, now.
Trying to get rid of some things erased me.

It was an overshot,
But it was a shot.

I say **** a lot of things.
A lot people say **** me.

But I'm not them.
They're not me.

What does it mean to be lost?
I might be, even though I thought I found my way.

I thought I stood up,
To get off the ground.

I think it was *****.
That must've been it.

But I think I just crawled into a chair.
I'm a pretty lazy guy.

From a couple feet higher,
I can see where to go.

But without my feet carrying me,
I can't go anywhere.

And though I know a lot of things,
Getting all the way isn't one of them.

I think I died one day.
It may have been five years ago.

I've met the same person eight million times.
She didn't exist.

I did a lot for her.
She was inside my head.

I did a lot for me.
'Cause I'm not quite selfless.

But I could be.
Could I be?

I don't know.
I don't know a lot of things.

It makes me unsure.
It makes me unsafe.

One day that will **** me.
If I'm still alive.

But I think I died one day.
It was maybe two years ago.

Five years ago, I wanted to die.
But only two years ago, my heart stopped beating.

It was all a process.
It was a matter of time.

'Cause no death is instantaneous,
But it happens in a single instant.

I think I still exist.
If not, there'd be no head for this to be in.

It's not all just inside my head.
That's one thing I'm sure of.

But not completely sure.
Only a little bit.

She left two years ago.
She's not here anymore.

I made a new her two years ago.
She's inside my head.

She left two years ago.
I met her seven million nine hundred ninety nine thousand nine hundred ninety nine times after.

But only for an instant each time.
Then she would always turn into another person.

I got used to the phrase.
"Sorry, I thought you were someone else."

I wished she'd come back.
But not anymore.

I died two years ago.
She'd be wasting her time here.

But maybe she wouldn't be.
She wouldn't come for me after all.

She would come for other people.
To see people that surely still exist.

Why waste time on the dead?
Better to waste time on the living.

I might not be either of them,
Since I might not exist anymore.

Or I might.
I might still be a few songs, some words on a page, and some marijuana smoke.

I don't know a lot of things.
So I can't be sure of anything.

I started dying five years ago and might have finished two.
I don't know if revived, if I ever made through.

I read one line and was amazed by what was contained in a few simple lines.
Surely she must be quite understanding, and if we were to talk,
She'd say she knows what I mean.

"Like I'm falling from a bridge, but never hitting the ground."

Maybe as she wrote it, it may not have seemed like much to her.
It could have been just another analogy, just extra words to add some syllables or fill in space.
But when I read that, I thought "Where have those words been all this time?"

That's exactly what I've been feeling for quite a time, but I hadn't said it,
I just didn't identify it until this moment, with that clarification, I'm already interested.

She must be quite one soul.

I like my *******.
I like it quite a lot.
It says more by itself,
Than I can say I've got.

It rubs my eyes,
Showing that I'm tired,
And if I'm annoyed,
"*******, I'm wired."

It says "I don't really care."
Or "You're being a ****."
It takes care of it all,
Before I can get sick.

It's quite a nice thing,
Almost says who I am,
Though there's still much more,
It nicely filters the spam.

You're ******* me up,
And tearing me down.
You throw me around,
So I might spare the whole town.
But I don't give a ****
About the ones with a frown.
I'll only spare the ones
Bestowed with the crown.
But you can't make this crown
For the ones with a frown,
Because the ones in this town,
They are solely unsound,
And can't turn it upside down,
To sprout life from the ground.
Not for you, not for me,
You'll eventually see.

And what happens here,
When you turn them all loose?
They all run wild,
Like a lonely stray goose.
But, you see, when you pull out
The notorious noose,
Stability and order,
Is all they dare to produce.
They just can't turn away,
From the hatred and dismay,
They can't sort out the disarray,
Without rules in play,
And as humans of clay,
They'll slowly decay,
And no matter how much you plea,
They'll drown in their own sea.

They lust and they ****,
And they fornicate.
They deceive and they lie,
And obey with closed eyes.
They **** and destroy,
With the men they deploy.
And the ones who take lead,
Are compelled by their greed.

But I'm not going to lead,
I'm no kind of dictator,
I fall more easily along
The lines of a perpetrator.
I glory in chaos,
And overpower creators,
Of their "society" and "order",
I spawn black ash and deep craters.
But I'm not always insane,
Sometimes I like peace,
And I'll take any great lengths
For disorder to cease.
I isolate myself from them,
And only watch as they fall.
Hell, if it weren't for you,
I'd have killed them all.

But you're not the same,
You're gentle and sweet,
You give them endless chances
Because your faith won't deplete.
And even with me,
That I'm not quite concrete,
You give me your heart
That I struggle to complete.
And so just for you,
I contain myself,
And work to keep my worst
Up on the shelf,
Try to bring out my best,
And let my soul shine through,
It's the only thing I think
Might bring me closer to you.

'Cause in my eyes,
You're all that I need,
You're the only I want,
For whom I would plead.
So I leave myself defenseless,
And simply out of affection,
I make you my one weakness,
The only one crowned in perfection.

I don't know what this is.
I thought I didn't think of you that way.
I can stand to be around you,
And not feel anything special.

But it's when you do certain things,
Or when you look at me a certain way,
That I just can resist you,
To want to kiss those pretty lips.

I don't know why.
We are in the past.
I don't see you that way.
You don't see me that way.

But sometimes what you do to me,
I just can't understand,
You're doing something I can't get used to,
And it doesn't seem you even realize it.

What is this,
Just what is this?
I'm not sure what I want,
For you to stop or not.

You're not making me happy like you used to anymore.
Things don't seem the same as they were before.
I don't want to give up because I know this can work,
But it seems like my mind is regressing to the dark.
You've been quite a wonderful person to me,
And I can't comprehend why now it seems to be
That you have lost interest and now just conform,
Like you're just playing along, just riding out a storm.
If you're tired, please say so, 'cause I don't want to weigh,
You need not be so kind, every single day.
Don't pretend that you're here when you've already left,
And me keeping you near is little less than theft.
I can't read your mind and I can't feel your soul,
But I'm not one that you should have to console.
If you want to, stay with me, and please don't leave,
But if this is pity, then don't stay, I won't grieve.
For clearly what I saw may very well not exist,
But I won't just automatically mark myself off your list.
I want you to be you, and to speak only truth,
Because that's how I am with you, I can give you proof.
But this isn't an argument, I just want to know,
Wether you really want to stay, or would rather just go.

I think there's something wrong again.

I think I'm dependent again.

I think somewhere along the way I fell back into the hole.

I hope I managed to get at least a finger onto the edge.

That way I can at least pull myself back up,

Before I reach the bottom.

This doesn't feel right,
To not bid you a good night.
But I told you before,
I may not have time anymore.
I want to stick to my word,
So you'll know that I'm true,
But does it really matter now,
That I'm falling for you?

Not all promises are good,
So be broken some should.
I beg, please trust me still,
As with love, this night fills.
Every precaution must be taken,
To make sure you don't forget,
What's been happening here,
Every day since we met.

So can you tell me right now,
In clear detail just how,
You want me to be,
Until each other we see.
I've been trying my best,
To not take all of your day,
But not neglect you either,
So is this okay?

You found your way into my heart,
And I didn't even notice when this did start.

At first it seemed like just a seed,
So small, so young, it seemed nothing to heed.

But in these long yet short, few nights,
It seems you've sprouted into the light.

Your stem is firm and your roots in place,
You won't be leaving, not now I've seen your face.

It seems even you don't know where you're growing,
But I won't tell you now, for fear you might start slowing.

I'm happy about this, having you here,
Despite distance between, you feel so near.

The tone of your skin, and the black of your hair,
And your cute little hands, to match your smile, so fair.

When I looked in your eyes, I thought I might drown,
In the all of the beauty that began to surround.

I'm trying to hold back, to not let my roots grow too,
But at this point, my heart beats only for you.

To see you bloom, now that is one dream,
A scene that won't fade, the light which endlessly gleams.

May the witness to this be only me?
Or am I not who it's meant to be?

Will things always go accordingly?
Or can we rust these chains, and break free?

Could you stay by my side at every moment?
I wished for this although I was hesitant.
Unaware of wether you were always only in my head,
Or made of the earth as I was, molded of soft lead.
Every word you spoke tasted so sweet,
And  created  an everlasting heat.
Your heart was ever so soft as the sand,
If only I could have held your hand.
For then I would have felt the true bliss,
Of knowing it was you whom I'd never miss.
Maybe things were destined this way,
But "Goodbye." was never easy to say.

I'm curling up on my bed,
And cringing in the pain.
I'm pulling up the covers,
But still shivering in the rain.
I'm not one to fight a fight,
And easily left there, slain.
I'm quick to give all up,
And slow with strength to gain.

I hate this pain,
In my chest,
In my throat,
In my stomach,
In my heart,
I hate this pain,
In my head,
And my eyes,
In my arms,
And in my legs,
I hate this pain in my body.
Those bottles full of pills that I choke down,
At all hours of the day,
Aren't working for ****.
Would it be stupid to pull out that herb,
That I've been hiding in my closet,
Or under my bed?
Would it be a bad choice to light it up,
And take a few hits,
Just to relieve this pain?
I feel like I'm about to ***** out my soul!

You were my Nephele,
When all else seemed so unreal,
You were there to set in steel,
Everything you made me feel.

Like each cloud up in the sky,
Your soul resided oh so high,
And when came time to say goodbye,
My heart could not resist to cry.

Yet why "Goodbye" I never said,
I wonder each night, lying in bed,
And even still, inside my head,
I can't make out if now I'm dead.

For if you're here, then here I'll be,
But if you're there, I might soon see,
And if not either, then quite surely,
To another nirvana, we can flee.

Or hold to you, and we will float,
On the wind, like a sky boat,
And past our castle's rain-made moat,
Inside our palace of clouds, remote.

It's hard to say that I still feel,
But once again, it's set in steel,
That all of this that's so surreal,
Came when you were my Nephele.

Three Germany Eyes,
Tears Both Essential,
Effect Of fashion accessories,
Civilians.
What's Love Led Crystals,
field Cobbles Releases Blood,
Determination.
Tears of bitter Media,
CORRESPONDENT.

How unfitting it is that I should be,
Hoping you might return home to me.

I'm not one so special, in this time of need,
So I'll tell you now, my words, do heed.

I won't bring you bliss, can't give you a kiss,
Not slight happiness, not any of this.

So why do you, now, give me your love,
When mine for you, fits not like a glove.

It's mangled and dark, and so very sharp,
Not pretty like yours that rings like a harp.

The beauty in me is what not to be,
I show little children, work not to be me.

I may teach a lesson and I teach it strong,
But even the strong doesn't last all that long.

My spirit proves weak, and quite a bit meek,
My future is bleak, it's Satan's blood I leak.

It's not that I lack a love for our Lord,
But rather that I can't carry His sword.

So why is it when, I ask how you feel,
You prepare words so gently, like a delicious meal.

Can you not see that I can't carry you high,
Shall you stay with me, to Heaven say goodbye.

I won't make it there, or anywhere near,
My sins keep me out, yet I still fear.

The truth is not good like you've shown to me,
Such beauty you have, and will always be.

I'm sorry to say that our dreams are just dreams,
When we live life with such different themes.

I love you so much and I always will,
But that space in your heart, I'm too small to fill.

I can't hold you back, when it's time to go,
But I wish you the best, this you must know.

You're just like the night, when the moon shines so bright,
And there's not a cloud, to cover your light.

Shall The Lord call you now, don't worry about me,
How unfitting it is that I love you, eternally.

I need something new,
An activity to do,
That will help get me through,
And distract me from you.

It seems you've got something,
But what could it be?
It's doing it's job,
To distract you from me.

I need something clean,
That won't make me a fiend,
That will keep me at bay,
Not quite far away.

You must be in pain,
Yet you made time for me.
I'll clean off the stain,
To make sure that you're free.

I need more conversion,
Not sinful *******,
Some kind of transcursion,
A perfect diversion.