I've never been ok
and I'm calling out
frantically reaching
(what do you want me to do?!)
(you should know you should know!)

I should reach for you
but I don't want to drag you down.
But I already have as you cling
clinging and shackling a whirling mess of a child.
I can't lose you, you matter - you matter so much.

I'm sick.
But you keep me whole
The love I have is complex and not what you need.
Yet here you are- you sweet pitiful thing.

My friends were already far, but someday I had hoped they'd be here. This was a good country but now all the friends I DID have here are running away as fast as their money and work can carry them.

But I must stay. It isn't logical to go just yet.

You have taken something so valuable from me, in an age where loneliness is an epidemic, where suicides are rising, depression consuming the young faster than the plague ever did.


I was already alone.
You have made it worse.

I'm looking for a Lily,
have you seen them?
They've probably grown much since
I saw them last.
I don't even know their name.
If you see them, tell them I miss them
and the beat of their hummingbird heart.
Their cackling laugh and warm hands.
If you see them, tell them a rose misses them.
We used to sleep in the same flowerbed,
but perhaps one should let sleeping flowers lie.

This will be the only cage I will ever be comfortable with
I shuffle slightly and your arms tighten,
holding on so desperately to my frail form.
I know why.

You’re too tired to pay attention to detail,
Sweetheart, I know.
The morning is busy but it escapes us, for now.
I watch the ceiling and listen to your breath.

So here we are, just you and me. On the edge of everything and nothing, we sit staring out into the ocean of things we wish we’d done.

We hold hands, it’s a formality. I’m scared. You soothed my anxiety, because even though I was scared of you, I knew everyone else was too.

I miss making you coffee in the morning, I wish I’d loved YOU more. You always had that massive mug with two teabags or two tablespoons of coffee.

I wish your family and I could have worked. Please don’t think for a second I didn’t try. Most of my time spent at yours was on eggshells, the ones they had placed.

I miss our first year, your second. Remember that? We were so silly and full of joy. Gimmick Puppets, Plants. You and your stupid trenchcoat that ended up smelling awful no matter how much you washed it. Your long hair was nice. I liked it. It framed your smile that was as bright as the Sun that set in the West over Zephyr’s strawberry field.

The light sank in your eyes the more you were with me. I drained you, I knew that. I stayed. I lied. You didn’t trust me anymore.

I’m happy, admittedly lonely. But I know you’re happy, scared but happy. It’s always been my job to appear, do what I must (whether I know what that is or not) and watch over. The bear finds another like him, and as I remember mentioning a few times, as we lounged lazily on the sofa with our cereal, playing every bit the monsters others cast us out to be;

What on Earth is a bear doing with an angel?

I sit watching over the people I love most
And suddenly I feel like who I was again.

The prince, it seems, has learnt to trust me.
His eyes are closed and a smile plays upon his face
Even in sleep he lights the world around him and I wonder
how anyone could not see (and love) his beauty,
bursting forth in luminescent colour that masks his own insecurities.

I knew she trusted me
And in return, I protect her with everything I have
While she loses her senses, I catch her , feed her.
Makes sure she sleeps easy and awakens in time to
rush haphazard along into the life I am unable to fix.

My friend that mirrors me, curls around her.
He fogs his mind so he doesn't have to think
in the times when he cannot sleep.
His smile isn't real, simply a mask.
In the dark, I see his eyes glint in worry.

Helplessly, I watch over them.

I love the smell of orange most.
It doesn't go well with purple,
but it represents everything I am not.

I make up for my lack of sunshine by wrapping it around me,
a neckerchief in any season.
I cover up the cracks that leak blue, the scent of
the sleepiest lavender.
I'd rather be gold, a heady sharp awakening - compared to the wispy breeze that settles on my shoulders.
I am tired of sleeping when I'd rather be citrus, shining.

I sat in a church today, and I prayed
it was not intended but I saw
your door was open,
So I wandered in with quiet footsteps, standing quietly at the altar the humans had made.

There was a prayer board, I had much to pray for.
Lots of other hopes were written here, well wishes to a mother who had lost her son to suicide (I couldn't help but wonder why) , prayers for those in hospital.
There were post it notes, and although it was not a prayer for you Father, as it was for them.

"Please pray for the end the suffering of minorities including those of the LGBT+ community."
"Please end the stigma of depression and other mental illnesses."

Father, I could have gone on, there is much I pray for and hope for, in time it will pass.

I felt my wings, pushing against my seat in frustration. The outside world pulling me back when all I wanted to do was spend time with you.

The call is strong, Father.

I said goodbye, and wished to be home once more.

Perhaps, before I was born, I was told about you.
How you'd both come to be.

Perhaps, a deity sat me down and said - if you wish, you can bear their suffering.
And I must have said yes.

Perhaps you'll never know just how much I'd do for you, and how like my sadness, my love is endless.

I hope that this doesn't last forever
and I get used to fully being alone.

I hope I forget how nice it is to be touched,
to be held, to be desired.
I hope I forget and never remember.

Because I can't do this anymore.
I sleep too much, I don't eat,
I hate the way I look (more so).

I'm jealous but bordering on envious.
I want to be what people want me to be
but I am not going to compromise what little of me I have left.

So please, if anything that has the power to help is listening....

I don't want to do this anymore.

I've been mocked and laughed at
Because of my power complex.
I like to feel in control,
I must see, feel, know , hear all.
When I do, I feel on top of the world.

I used to vent this through the stage,
commanding an audience with my partners in crime.
Now it's through my speeches, and my ambition.

I just want people to know ,that it's not always bad.
This is what drives me, my rage, my ambition
To fight for those who deserve justice,
To serve a cause greater than my own by twisting the threads to make it so

I knew you had a princess
you told me day one.

What you didn't say is how wonderful she is
how talented and how nothing I could do measured up to the
beauty she is, creates and masters.

Her womanly elegance far surpasses my freckled childlike wonder
and I look at what I can never be, and I won't change for you.
I did that before and it shattered me.

Love has never been my role, mine is
one of the long game, of guardianship.
A light to lead the way home.

I see now, that she's yours.

I can't help but feel so used by you.
I loved you, looked up to you and followed your every footstep.

You taught me so much and yet you... dismiss my steps forward. You still see me only as the child that first stepped into the Guild with wide eyes and a broken mind.

I've hurt you yes, perhaps I should stop hoping you see past that, if it even is that. But you've been this way for as long as I remember, so what did I do?

Seeing me for the first time as Alex...
May have shocked you?
But we were inseparable once -
I'm still the same... or are you just bored of me?

Did you forget? My heart didn't.

But I suppose...

it was nice..

pretending.

My skin begs me daily to care for it
Microscopic mouths yawning for moisture.
I ignore the voices and
laugh into my fourth slice of pizza.

I am trying to eat healthier.
But instead I just
Shower and hope
The mouths stay silent.
They’ve been screaming a while though…

Hold me closely
Keep me Safe
I'm afraid
I am young
Please love
The little I
have.


I love you and I wanna scream that I'm warmer I'll stay, please be clever enough to keep me, keep me, I'm afraid.

I'll run, I will, I'm sorry.

When you roar,
it must be planned,  
with the right ears to listen, the best time to stand
and the right place - so your voice echoes across the centuries.
With the power of all those that spoke before you
For the same cause
The same fight.

Let your body move with power
Confidence
Always be proud of your scars.
They show the things you have lived through
The things you have endured.
Carry yourself with pride, and people will follow.

No one loves like me
but I write about it anyway.
Even if it's sweet nothings..
to the moon or empty chairs.

I like to think the moon listens

and maybe someday

someone else like me will, too.

I don't ever say the things I mean to, but you don't have to speak. I'm happy sitting in solitude with you - I'll keep my silence if just to earn your friendship.

You called me
You came to check if I was OK.

Thank you.

This path will be full of mistakes
and the end is a black hole.
One where I stand, then sit at the edge.
With a bottle - the type I haven't touched in months or
years.

and you're gone.

All I'm left with is unreliable memories,
chat logs...the fiction in my head.

We have to go this way,
you have no choice and I will walk with you
as long as you let me.

As long as you have patience.

If I want to make these mistakes with anyone, in front of anyone...

It's you....

                                                Thank you.

Blood has been on your lips this night
But I will kiss them anyways.
Smooth and rich,
intoxicating
Life drips through your calloused fingers.

Expensive taste, expensive heart
Your words become holy
Mine, mine, always mine.
But always you run free.
Anyone, but me.

It didn't matter that you were miles away
I felt you step alongside me
Your advice in my veins, your strength when I slipped.

Now it's just me and the voices.
I walk faster now, sure, but,

I'd rather "have" you beside me.