I'll never forget the first time I met you. A block of beige, a shimmer of gold and a flickering smirk in warm light, secluded in a newly built nook and stood among others that paled in comparison.

I chose you, curious and opened your pages to be met with the sort of person I wanted to be in djinn form and an ambitious boy, with the name of my first love.

I just met you and bid you goodbye again, everything from this point on will be memories and playbacks. I will miss you deeply, for your words are now written in the very depths of my being.

But it is good to know in some ways , that you will stay the same.

Dear Aphrodite,
I think I'm done.
I'm done with all this pain
neither of us have much to gain if I am left broken,
because how will I worship you?

If I must love again - can I be strong enough to to lose them?
I can't lose anyone else, I am done and I'm sorry but...

I

am


done.

Hold me closely
Keep me Safe
I'm afraid
I am young
Please love
The little I
have.


I love you and I wanna scream that I'm warmer I'll stay, please be clever enough to keep me, keep me, I'm afraid.

I'll run, I will, I'm sorry.

It didn't matter that you were miles away
I felt you step alongside me
Your advice in my veins, your strength when I slipped.

Now it's just me and the voices.
I walk faster now, sure, but,

I'd rather "have" you beside me.

My friends were already far, but someday I had hoped they'd be here. This was a good country but now all the friends I DID have here are running away as fast as their money and work can carry them.

But I must stay. It isn't logical to go just yet.

You have taken something so valuable from me, in an age where loneliness is an epidemic, where suicides are rising, depression consuming the young faster than the plague ever did.


I was already alone.
You have made it worse.

I hope that this doesn't last forever
and I get used to fully being alone.

I hope I forget how nice it is to be touched,
to be held, to be desired.
I hope I forget and never remember.

Because I can't do this anymore.
I sleep too much, I don't eat,
I hate the way I look (more so).

I'm jealous but bordering on envious.
I want to be what people want me to be
but I am not going to compromise what little of me I have left.

So please, if anything that has the power to help is listening....

I don't want to do this anymore.

People say they get sick of seeing the same people and the same faces
But I find comfort in the familiarity
Even while I travel
I see aspects of those familiar faces in everyone I meet.
Strange, because I don't miss THEM - because we hardly knew each other.
The comfort of knowing OF them was enough.

You don't make it easy.

I'm not an easy person to be around.
I make that clear.
Still, they shrug it off going, I'm sure you're not that bad.
No, I am.

I have cheated, I am abrasive, argumentative, opinionated and spiky

But everyone likes me when I have some use
And that, at times, breaks me.

This is all humanity has.
Hope, because of ignorance

I never was strong enough.
Too young, too small, too weak.
Never witty enough to counteract your harsh words,
Never stable enough to rebel and survive.
Because of this, I can't believe anyone I meet - I am just filled with barely bridled rage.

Used to the ground falling from under me, now I trust no-one.
They all leave or betray me in the end.
Never trusting anyone has just good intent, no they must have something to gain. Something they want.

You made me this way.
I blame you.
Yet you refuse to admit what you did to me.

I do not come to you with the usual platitudes
Things you have heard numerous times before
Though perhaps my arrogance stretches far and these words have reached your ears many a time.
How am I to know.

I would ask you, to save me.
There is no need to take any action, just keep shining.
You taught me, or rather, finalised the lesson - when my fathers should have - that you can be as fantastical as you want to be. You do not grow old, your body does.

Thank you for reminding me that I'm still growing and that there is Hope for me.

But if your light were to go - I suppose I would still live - but life would be so much darker.

Thank you for smiling when you can - I of all people know there are rainy days.

I was created in orderly chaos
I woke to eyes of all colours, a swirling mass of kindness.
Then, all I knew was a purpose and how to change.

I was not made to be broken.

Despite everything I have fought tooth and nail to be here and I am scarred, bruised, limping and screaming fire.

I will not fall but I know I will, and it will be for love because I am a fool. I cannot love that which loves me - I get bored. anxious. wounded. I wish I could have stayed. So many times. So many times have I screamed for me to just be ok with what I have.

Yet I never was, so I burned it and ran before it burned me. My anxiety for possible destruction is what destroyed the life I had. Maybe I miss it sometimes but it was lacking, lacking for the submission and ambition I crave so desperately and yet can never achieve because of my nature.

I run towards more fire and I don't know if I can survive. I truly am weak to it. I need to fix myself and I am trying but I need help. Even if I did, I could never go back, even if I wanted to.

If this is your curse to me, combined with hers, then alright.

I deserve this.

and I will fall.

again.

I've never been ok
and I'm calling out
frantically reaching
(what do you want me to do?!)
(you should know you should know!)

I should reach for you
but I don't want to drag you down.
But I already have as you cling
clinging and shackling a whirling mess of a child.
I can't lose you, you matter - you matter so much.

I'm sick.
But you keep me whole
The love I have is complex and not what you need.
Yet here you are- you sweet pitiful thing.

I can't help but feel so used by you.
I loved you, looked up to you and followed your every footstep.

You taught me so much and yet you... dismiss my steps forward. You still see me only as the child that first stepped into the Guild with wide eyes and a broken mind.

I've hurt you yes, perhaps I should stop hoping you see past that, if it even is that. But you've been this way for as long as I remember, so what did I do?

Seeing me for the first time as Alex...
May have shocked you?
But we were inseparable once -
I'm still the same... or are you just bored of me?

Did you forget? My heart didn't.

But I suppose...

it was nice..

pretending.

You're lying to yourself.
Slipping back into what is easy, warm and comforting.

Avoiding confrontation with your keepers - who have enough on their plate.
To please them, you lock yourself away.

You fool, you're blind to your complacency. That I can see. I did the same. My eyes are open. I suffered. I told my tale.

Now you're fool enough to do the same anyway.
Well I did my part.
But I will still be angry at stupidity.

Well sometimes, life isn't easy, and you have to fight against people you love.
Life won't wait for you to be ready.
You have to be strong now, get it together now, before it's too late.


Why you're sad,
Why you're unfulfilled,
Why you're longing for her even though that's not what you want:

You want yourself.

Your soul calls out to me, did Lethe make us forget? Who we were to each other?
Who are you?

It matters not, I reached you too late and our souls entwine, fingertips brush.. but I can never cross the ocean between us.

Despite all my words, all my 'wisdom' - my temper gets me into trouble.

I told you I wasn't good.
I told you that people would fail you, we both knew.
Yet you opened up because we asked and it was a crack, a slither of who you are.

But it was enough, it was enough.
I'm sorry I failed you. You should never trust anyone - but I wanted to be one of your exceptions.

Depression can be found coiled tightly around my heart
Tugging on the strings to evoke painful memories.
Things that could have been,
Of dreams that can never be real.

Depression can be found in the mirror,
mocking my body for how it’s all wrong,
fat in places, there shouldn’t be.
Roundness where there should be angles.

Depression can be found in nature
where the beauty or lack thereof,
reminds me of how it isn't 'home'.
The stars don’t shine here.

It is always overcast.

Perhaps, before I was born, I was told about you.
How you'd both come to be.

Perhaps, a deity sat me down and said - if you wish, you can bear their suffering.
And I must have said yes.

Perhaps you'll never know just how much I'd do for you, and how like my sadness, my love is endless.

I don't feel much anymore
But when I do
It's often because of you

You haven't had your first love yet,
I dread the day that you do.
Because I'm afraid I might lose you - love breaks, changes and twists any soul.

I can't protect you from the world because otherwise...
you can't learn - we won't be on the same page.

I need you strong.

A war is coming and I hope to see you by my side.

Beauty is draining from the world at an alarming rate...

Nothing means anything anymore.

*** is just a past time and not an expression of anything, trust or otherwise.

Words mean little, often biting and cruel

Society has grown jaded and water is thicker than blood.

Family keep secrets and speak not to each other, but to the masks each has created.

Friends are not true and often hard to find....

Loneliness is an epidemic, and no one cares enough to find the cure.

Oh Prince of Ice,
release my heart from your cold grasp.
I’d follow you anywhere, yet you serve to remind me
Of my shortcomings, my losses and loves.
You are indeed, temptation.
A reminder of how I’ve made people suffer.

What I wouldn’t give to have your undivided attention
But you wouldn’t drop anything for anyone.
You are flighty, hummingbird.
Would you ever be there for anyone’s highs and lows, battling alongside them?
You’re only ever there for the good times.

I wish this wasn’t so.

I want to sing with you, I want you to teach me to dance.
I want us to go on wild adventures across all of time and space.
I want long mornings spent in our solitude.
I want us to make each other better people.

But no-one stands out to you, it’s so easy to get lost in the throng.
I’m not special compared to them,  barely even average.
I couldn't shine bright enough for your eyes.

How could it compare to the way I value the people in my life, the ones I’ve chosen?

You may end up alone my dear, and I know your life is on a knife’s edge. Maybe this makes sense to you. But what if it isn’t? What if you end up more alone than is needed?

I don't ever say the things I mean to, but you don't have to speak. I'm happy sitting in solitude with you - I'll keep my silence if just to earn your friendship.

You called me
You came to check if I was OK.

Thank you.