I constantly always heard the cliche saying that nothing lasts forever and eventually all things come to an end. For so long I never cared and in the past I didn’t care about anything that happened to or around me, I was simply living like a bystander and I was nothing more than a pair of eyes watching things come and go. Even when my grandmother died, I was always told that “everybody dies in the end” and that made me wonder why all of this matters. Why do we try so hard when in the grand scheme of things, we’re all going to end up just a memory to those we left our mark on, and even memories fade. I asked myself this question for quite a long time and even now I think about it, an answer that I have yet to fully give myself. It took a long time before I realized that the point is to leave those marks. I read a book about a year ago that made me come to this realization and start to appreciate the fact that while I am alive, I should focus on living instead of dying. The book made me understand that we all leave a mark on this world and some people spend years trying to find what they really want. I don't want to just be content. I don’t have my memories rush back to me as I still fear dying . I don’t want realized I never actually lived.  Filled with every mistake and missed opportunity. I don’t want to regret not following my dreams because the fear of death murdered me before I was even old enough to drive.

If I could apologize I would,
I guess I did it all wrong ,
and thats where i'm wrong I know
It wasn't just you is was us.
we were bad together
experiencing the same thing ,
I know things happened unexpectedly
and they happened bad
it was just all bad
there was nothing good
not the way I treated you
not the way you treated me
I want to apologize
because it wasn't all you
it was us.
it was me.
I'm sorry .
we were so bad. together.

I know.

I know today is looming larger
Than the lump in your throat
That you swallowed last night as you
Stood in the shower,
Trying to wash away the feeling
Of everything-is-going-wrong
And replace it with whispers of
It's no big deal
You don't want them to know that
It hurts
Because then the questions will come
As you press your lips together
And blink back the tears that scream
I do not want to be here today.
But even louder is the whisper in your heart saying
You did this last week
You can do it again.
Maybe it's the dead of night right now and that's ok.
Because there is something beautiful
About the night sky
The infinite amount of stars
Match the amount of times you keep trying
The fact that it never ends
seems as impossible as making it through today
But here's a secret; you aren't alone.
You aren't the only shower-crier  
Please stop for a second      
Reach your hand through your warm skin
And find your heart, where it beats without question.
Tie the beats to your fingers so that you don't forget who you are.
You were created by the same man
Who made the stars.
Not cut from any pattern.
Made from the strongest materials.                    
Today is hard, I know.
But you can open your eyes.
The sun will rise soon enough, but you might as well stargaze while you're waiting.
I know you will be ok.

He appears tough, he stands tall.
But truly, underneath it all,
He's sympathetic, vulnerable.
I can't believe myself for being so horrible.

It's true that I love him,
With my heart and soul.
But's it's somewhat-
Overwhelming.

My space I feel is shifting.
I can't tell if it's a good thing.
I want him close, near by.
However, I feel scared inside.

Will he think I'm too lazy?
What if in reality I appear pudgy.
Sure, he says he doesn't mind.
I'll just be his tubby for life.

Which I kinda like,
But still.

These insecurities.
They drown me.
Very slowly,
They're suffocating.

Please God, is it too much to ask for?
Just for once, to enjoy being loved.
I want him to pick me up in an embrace!
For ***** sake, can't I just, take off these weights...

I've hurt him.
I have nothing else to say.

It's burning my insides.
Turning around my life.
I'm crying now every night.
Denying that we're right.
Please tell me you need me tonight.
This ****** isn't leaving me anytime.

I have missed
out on the thrills
of being a soft place
between a rock
and a hard place
which is a bad boy

I was afraid
of becoming a toy
a welcome mat,
stepped on repeatedly
covered in dirt
and worthlessness

because of fear
I found myself
held hostage to boring love
with good guys
who in the end
only proved
to be ugly lies

which led
to my beautiful cries
in the end,
I should have taken my chances
with the handsome devils
who were at least good at dancing!