Every memory lingers under the patches I made to the wall
Every wound hides under the new layer of skin
Every heartache I ever felt is inside this tiny box
Every tear fills this river that I’m swimming in
And if you know me well, you know that I can’t swim
So I just wade around a while, trying to keep to where I can touch
Screaming for help
Choking on the water
Gasping for air
You are nowhere to be found
“Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?”
Nothing…
The sun is shining and the birds are singing, but the sky is grey and silent
The water tosses me into the rocks
What’s a few more scars between friends?
And hell, what’s a pint of blood between enemies?
Anything for you my dear, anything for you
You smile that smile
The one that makes me weak
And under I go
My little box in hand
Together we sink, until we hit bottom
Bottom was a long way down
But after preparing for it for a while now, we’re finally here
What a dump
So this is home?
This is all that’s left?
This is what I get?
Things were always better when you were around
But since you’re gone I guess I’d better get used to it
Being alone that is…
I wonder if there’s any room left in that box for me…

I looked at you, looking at her and my heart winced.
Everything I had held onto so tightly was slipping away.
The tighter I clung, the more you danced around my fingers…
Just barely out of my grasp.
I would have given you everything, you know.
In fact, I did.
I gave you all of me.
Every last piece.
Every time you broke, I gave you another piece of me to fill your wounds.
Stitching up your pieces and putting you back together again, and again.
You left yesterday.
You left and went to her.
I can’t help but to scold myself.
I knew.
Of course I knew.
How could someone like me ever be loved?
How could someone like me ever be good enough?
Now all I have are gaping wounds and memories of our love.
6 years I loved you.
Now I don’t even recognize myself.
There’s nothing left to recognize."

We laughed as we watched,
We smiled as we played.
Then suddenly came a Romeo
To surprise your day.He asked to play,
You nodded to agree.

Little did you know?
He set it up for you.
You spoke of numbers,
He moved the options,
You chose one paper,
There popped the question.
Go with me? He had written,
You sat staring, not saying a word.
Actually shocked and yet a bit smitten.
Jeers surfaced, wolf whistles released.
Your cheeks' red however, somehow increased.
Your heart was pounding,
Was this really true?
I guess so,
Since You said __ to Him.

If you read the words I wrote
it might just break your heart
cause they’re sure as hell too much for me to handle

Once worried sick
I went home from school
But then at home
I got enough
I packed a bag
And took the train
I had an hour
Before it would be too late
To catch up and have a talk
But the efforts was wasted
And I got hurt

I wrote in anger
I made even threats
That's a fact
I can't change what I did
While I was sitting the hour on my Way back with the train
My anger dissapeared,
But I forgot
To take down the thrash,
which I had written

Dear Grandma,

I love you. So much. And I smiled so big when I opened my e-mail and saw that you had already replied. I read your e-mail to my mom; we laughed and smiled together. I'm glad that you and Grandpa can laugh while reading my writing. It makes my heart glad to know that what I have to say makes a positive and impacting influence on my readers.

On being careful to not dispose of items...you are so right, and I thank you, ever dearly, for the amazing, experiential advice. It makes me think of times I've been upset and ripped out pages I had previously written, all because of some stupid thing somebody may have said to speak death over me.

I doubt that I'll ever really understand what certain people mean when what they have to say to others is all but joyful and/or uplifting in any way. God knows, though, praise Him. I've been trying my best to speak a lot of life into my heart and soul. I had been super busy, and as a result, I hadn't had enough time to really sit and ponder the way I sometimes, negatively, judged those around me. I silently speak death over them, in reality, and to me, that is one of my most disliked qualities. People should love other people. Now, I want to add in, as a side note, that SPEAKING THE TRUTH IN LOVE counts as speaking life, and not death. I wish more of us humans were blunt and honest with ourselves, as far as telling somebody the very raw and complete truth. Nobody is ever going to get anywhere by being compliant their whole life. I feel so strongly about this because when I am down and not doing well, it DOES NOT help me to be told things such as,

"You'll be alright. Everything will be perfectly okay."

Lots of times circumstances stink, and when they do, it sure doesn't help me to hear somebody whisper that it'll be okay. I just need to be told that whatever I got goin' on, just kinda ***** at the moment. And maybe it will for a long time. But someday, I'll be glad to have had that experience, no matter how bad it might have been at that time. That's what I wish somebody would say to everybody going through stuff. Everybody needs somebody who will be life in the middle of his or her sadness.

Anyways, that's really inspiring about Green Mill, and how you were inspired to write what would soon be the prologue to your book. I really appreciate that; thank you for sharing your experience with me. It made me feel like I was really there, by the lake. I could almost feel the soft, cool breeze blowing my stray hair around. I could almost hear the little waves softly crashing to the rocky "shore." I love it when that happens, when writing becomes something I feel, and not just something I do.

I am so glad that you are alive, Grandma (and Grandpa). You are quite swell, and I mean it. I love you both so much.

© Melissa Carlson 2015

~
Thoughts concieved by open mind
Chosen gracefully, fulfilled and kind;
Are the treasures of remembered days
When pen to quill was an eternal phase
Of two souls yearning to be touched
Regardless of ethereal bond, much
Pleasure of a written word - longed
To become of flesh and blood.
~~~