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AyJay Sep 2017
She was dispiriting at that moment
That moment where she was just gone
Her eyes didn’t hold that soft,
gentle gaze.
They were replaced with dark,
empty irises.
The tension was thick,
it couldn’t be cut with a butcher knife.
Nothing could cut it,
it was too deep.
Her heart was in pain.
Pain of the loss of her beloved,
her friend,
her mate,
her family.
He was gone,
she was here.
She didn’t know what to do.
She cried,
she knew she could do that.
What else could she do?
Her lover watched her,
in sympathy.
Her lover wished she could show,
empathy, but,
she didn’t understand.
So she held her.
Her lover was being torn to pieces,
and she was holding them together.
She didn’t want to lose her,
no one would want that.

The girl was sad,
she missed her best friend.
She hated God.
Why had He taken him away?
What did he do to be taken away?
Why did He need more angels?
Why did He need HER angel?
She didn’t believe in God.
But she believed her best friend,
was taken away.
But from who?
She’ll never know.
But she’ll never forget.

The girl missed him too much.
It was getting worse.
She was crying in the corner more.
Her lover was holding her more.
The girl was so confused,
didn’t think she was strong anymore.
Thought it was time to join him.
Her lover stared at her,
long and dear and said,
“I’ll never leave you.”
The girl looked at her,
then hugged her.
But her heart was still weak.
She still missed him.
AJ Fredrickson Apr 2016
It’s 3am and I can’t sleep
My hearts too heavy to dream
My eyes burn as I walk through the halls
Trying to find shelter from my thoughts
I’ve got a strange feeling
I guess heartache is what it’s called
And I carry her with me everywhere I go
I’ve learned to hide her well
Leave the room inside my head where she lies, when they ask
Deny her existence everywhere I turn
But when it gets quiet I can hear her crying
Moaning through the halls that she paces each night
Mourning the loss of the one that she loved
I think I died that night
The one where you left me alone
Lied and said it wasn’t her who had called
And I believed you
I believed that you wanted to be with me but you had a client emergency that couldn’t be avoided
But you promised you’d be home just as soon as you were done
1 hour, you said
3 hours passed
I cried myself to sleep praying not to see another day
You left me alone and I died that night
It was 3am when you returned
The smell of her all over your skin
The taste of her spit still on your lips
I felt more disgusting in that moment than I have ever felt in my entire life
I realized where you had been as you slid your hand down my pants
You looked at me and you knew that I knew
You panicked and ran off to take a shower
You tried to burn her fingerprints from your skin
Tried to wash away all of the guilt and shame
Tried to maintain the lie
I paced through the living room
Trying to grasp the reality that had recently become my own
It hurt
It hurt like hell
It was 3am and I died that night, and each night since then
AJ Fredrickson Apr 2016
You’ll never know how many times a day I fantasize about running a blade across my skin.
Feeling that dull burn and the pull of my flesh against the blade.
The sweet crimson relief pouring from my soul.
I feel the blackness in me.
It’s toxic, flooding my veins with poison.
Causing sepsis within my heart.
Killing what is left of me.
I need to release it before it eats me alive.
It can’t get out if I don’t make an opening!
It’s fingers reach through the wound and slowly tears me apart.
Pulling at my skin until the hole is big enough for it to slink out of.
I am frozen.
Forever haunted by my shadow.
Forever tormented by her words.
AJ Fredrickson Apr 2016
I don’t know what we are now
I just know it’s not what it was
I fear that you don’t want to change
I fear you can’t see through my flaws
There are so many thoughts running through my head
It’s hard to keep track of what is real and what is not
I feel like I’ve been side swiped
You were hiding in my blind spot
Fragments of memories scattered all over the floor
Picture perfect memories, that don’t seem so perfect anymore
I dream of you when I’m not asleep
I dream of what could be
I’m at a loss for words now
This wasn’t anything I could foresee
What do you say, when you have said it all before?
I’m running out of breath
What do you say when no one’s listening anymore?
This silence is making me deaf
I’m unlocking all of the secrets
The door is open now
I’m just hoping we can make it through
But these trespasses, I can’t allow
I know I’ve made my fair share of mistakes
But I feel I am doing my part
I feel like nothing I do will ever change this
I fear it might be too late to restart
I know that is not what I want
I know what I want is you
But I’m afraid that you are unavailable
I fear there is nothing more I can do
It’s hard to feel so helpless…
It’s hard to feel so powerless and alone
We’re at a crossroad now
And it’s up to you to find your way home
I’ll be waiting here patiently
But I can’t wait forever
I will help you anyway that I can
I know if we try, we can make it through this endeavor
I’ve seen you at your worst and loved you through it all
My love for you is unconditional
But I can’t get past your wall
This wall you’ve put up is putting a barrier between us
It is keeping us apart
I can’t get in if you don’t take it down
We can never have a fresh start
The lying has to stop
It isn’t doing anyone any good
I know that you are just afraid
Afraid of being misunderstood
I understand where you are coming from
But you never know until you try
You break my heart a little more
Everytime you lie
I know that it will take time
But my heart will one day heal
This situation has caught me off guard
The whole thing is just so surreal
I’m going through the motions
I’m trying to find my way
I’m trying to read your morse code
But the message, you won’t convey
I need you to talk to me
I need to know the real you
I need you to be honest with me
It’s the least that you could do…
AJ Fredrickson Apr 2016
Where do you go when you’ve strayed so far from the path?
Is there any turning back?
Do you just keep moving forward; with hope that eventually it will take you where you need to be?
Trudging down the trail as fast as you can; trying to find an exit, with no success
I feel like I’ve been running circles through your brain; trying to tie up loose ends
You say there is nothing to find, but your eyes lie
With empty words and broken promises; I try to believe you
Everything in my souls says there is more
Do I really want to know what it is that you are hiding?
What if there is nothing left to find, and I’m just stuck in a loop?
It’s been this way so long, that it’s like second nature; a lifetime of lies
Even you can’t seem to tell the difference anymore
I’m a wandering soul, trying to find my place; looking in the mirror with disdain
I hate that girl in the mirror; the one who looks so defeated
Her eyes are empty
The light that once was there has been distinguished
Can you fix the broken?
I mean what’s really broken; shattered into pieces on the floor
Glass shards cut my feet
I press down and grind my heel into the ground where the broken pieces lay
That’s better
What’s broken is now a piece of me; never to be forgotten
Each step pushes them further into my pad
Eventually the wounds heal; the shards still embedded in my skin
What’s not supposed to be will eventually push its way out anyway
Still I try to keep it
Once it works its way out, I repeat
Not realizing what this cycle is doing to me
What am I without it?
Am I still me?
Was this ever who I really was?
Will I ever know the answers to the questions my brain needs to know, but my heart fears?
They burn behind my eyes, leaving black marks on my retinas
Where do I go from here?
Do I push forward against your force?
Do I just let it be?
It is what it is
That’s been my motto lately
You can’t change what doesn’t want to change
You can only control yourself
Things are always changing and if you don’t move with it, you will be left behind
Nothing more than a forgotten memory that pops up from time to time; after a few too many drinks
Maybe one day you’ll be sitting at the bar, having a drink with a few friends
Maybe SHE will even be there with you
She reaches for your hand and caresses it softly
Suddenly all of the memories come flooding in; everything that you had and gave up
Do you think you’ll regret your choices?
Or are you happy now?
Playing house with a married woman; who has no intention of this ever being anything more than just a game
I would have given you anything, you know
For me, it was never a game
But I got played like a fiddle that was out of tune and then tossed to the side like yesterday's garbage
Now you’re searching through the debris, trying to find me
But I’m withered from the weather and the harsh conditions of this storm
I’m not shiny and new anymore
There’s scuff marks on my body, and my strings are broken and tangled
You hold me and try to tune me again, but the notes that come out are distorted
Every now and then a beautiful notes leaks out, only to be followed by the twinge of my broken heart
I don’t know that I’ll ever be the same
I don’t know that I’ll ever be the person you fell in love with
I don’t know that I will ever be okay
But I want to be.
AJ Fredrickson Apr 2016
Once upon a time; in a land so far away, there lived a girl who suffered in silence and fed on the decay.
A hopeful heart so withered and lost with not much left to give.
This is the story of my madness and my fight to find the will to live.
AJ Fredrickson Apr 2016
I am standing here on the ledge
Watching the rocks slowly crumble beneath my feet
I’ve never felt as alone as I do right now
I am isolated, trapped in my own hell
Oh what a pathetic site I must be
You’ve done this to yourself, you know
It’s your fault and you must pay
And pay I will
Let’s take it back a bit
Maybe then you’ll understand
I’ve done this to myself
This was done by my own hand
Something calming has been taken, and now the river runs rapid
I have no choice, no voice, no sound set of mind
I am alone in the madness that has been building for some time
My heart aches so deep that I can feel it clawing through my skin
I guess it will do anything to get out of this prison that it’s in
Farewell dear heart of mine
You were faithful till the end
But love has fallen and failed us
And I don’t think that it will mend
This time the cuts too deep
Neither thread, nor twine can mend this hole
So I bid you adieu…
Farewell my dear loveless soul
I don’t think I can go back
There’s no other way out but down
I’ll take one final breath and then just wait to drown
My foot is over the ledge
One more step and then it’s done
I have no other option
No sorrowful song left unsung
I am at “piece” now
I can’t be hurt anymore
I hope no one ever finds me
I hope my body never washes ashore
Trapped in the bottom of this river, until the end of time
For once, you don’t get a say
This time the choice was mine
AJ Fredrickson Apr 2016
One winter’s night under the cold December moon
I woke from my slumber to a mournful tune
It crept from my ears and down the hall
But when I followed it nothing was there at all
So I peered out the window just in time to see
A pale silhouette sadly smiling at me
As her song grew louder, my ears began to ring
And I found that it was mine, not her song to sing
So I stealthily slipped out the creaking front door
And began to follow her to her kingdom by the shore
Water rising to my waist
Arms spread out like a dove
Bellowing my melancholy plea for her love
Only to find silence as the blood began to pour
She sang one last tune, “never more, never more”
It was then and only then that my eyes did see
It was my reflection that had been smiling back at me
She rushed up and whispered ever so silently
“This is how you make it. Don’t you want to be free?”
Laying on my back with my head just barely afloat
I let the waters take me as my body began to bloat
This is it now.
This is all I’ll ever be.
Forever to be trapped in MY kingdom of the sea.
AJ Fredrickson Apr 2016
The holidays are coming fast and my heart sinks as I count down each day.
Replaying every memory, every smile and every **** Christmas song you’d always play.
I can’t imagine the holidays without you.
I did not hang any lights or pick out a Christmas tree.
There are no presents or the smell baked goods, like there use to be.
I did not hang any stockings or leave any cookies for old Saint Nick.
The holidays are coming fast and I hope that they end quick.
AJ Fredrickson Apr 2016
Every memory lingers under the patches I made to the wall
Every wound hides under the new layer of skin
Every heartache I ever felt is inside this tiny box
Every tear fills this river that I’m swimming in
And if you know me well, you know that I can’t swim
So I just wade around a while, trying to keep to where I can touch
Screaming for help
Choking on the water
Gasping for air
You are nowhere to be found
“Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?”
The sun is shining and the birds are singing, but the sky is grey and silent
The water tosses me into the rocks
What’s a few more scars between friends?
And hell, what’s a pint of blood between enemies?
Anything for you my dear, anything for you
You smile that smile
The one that makes me weak
And under I go
My little box in hand
Together we sink, until we hit bottom
Bottom was a long way down
But after preparing for it for a while now, we’re finally here
What a dump
So this is home?
This is all that’s left?
This is what I get?
Things were always better when you were around
But since you’re gone I guess I’d better get used to it
Being alone that is…
I wonder if there’s any room left in that box for me…
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