sometimes i don’t know if i’m the whole problem, or just half the problem

if i play a role, or if there is something i’m missing

i miss you, and i feel like i’ve fallen off whatever pedestal you had me on

it’s like when they say “you’ll let yourself down every time when you expect yourself out of someone else,”

it seems as if that is where we are meeting each other where we’re both currently at

it’s not somewhere in the middle, it’s not few and far between

it’s withdrawn and distant, it’s push and pull, and it’s hot and cold

it’s emotional whiplash, freeze and fawn

i have no idea what the **** we’re even doing anymore

because i find myself not even wanting to or caring to respond at all

emotionally exhausted
but still at your beck and call.

I don't write love song or poems anymore.
I don't write how infatuated I am anymore.
I don't spew my heart anymore.

I am anti love, but in the sanest way possible.
I  have lost myself to love and I have found myself toxic for love.

I don't write about how you broke my heart.
I don't write about the gnawing pain.
The constant sting.
I don't.
I don't.

I write about how lost I feel.
How awake I seem but so congested I am.
Subliminally I have never felt so disappeared.
I have never felt so without soul.
There's a hole that has sunk the whole of me.

Who am I?
Where am I?

The girl, no the woman in the mirror, staring right back at who should be me. WHO IS THAT?

Out of sight,
Out of mind,
I am running out of time.

What have I done I wonder why
I'm gentle soft and very shy
I was not the man I am today
But anger hatred has come to stay

I'm really fun and so kind at heart
But others ripped my heart apart
I learnt to fend and fight alone
My body ackes my heart does grown

When I was a little lad
I was happy carefree and never sad
I did the things that small boys do
How I'd turnout no one new

As my toddler years went by
I realised my life was but a lie
Violence, anger, abuse and pain
Would make me hang my head in shame

The happy life I knew before
Had suddenly gone out our back door
Our happy home had disappeared
It looked like evil it's ugly head had reared

Been a kid so young at heart
Like every other kid does start
Had to learnt to grow up fast
And try to run far from my past

But as my teen year went on by
I became more withdrawn and shy
I made wrong choices did wrong things
One night stand and many flings

Drugs, ***** and deep dark things to
Took me to a place so cold and blue
Relationship that never last
Oh if I could just return to my past

As I aged and became much older
Tried to be strong and much bolder
But the past that hunted me
Wouldn't go away you see

I know deep down in side my heart
Everything of me was ripped apart
I'm but an empty shell inside
At least it is my place to hide

Ive pulled so far within myself
All's affected even my health
Im falling deeper into a blacken hole
Ive lost myself and I'm loosing my soul

The ones that are my near and dear
They can not see and do not hear
How could they ever understand
Not even I this was never planed

I can't show love and gentleness
Will my life ever change and be a bliss
I mask my breaking heart inside
Behind smiles and laughter I do hide

I sit alone so many nights
Thinking back on all the fights
I've become my dad you see
The one that totally destroyed me

How do I get my self untangled
When my mind is a mess and mangled
I blame the world for who I've become
At time I wish it was said and done

I lost the ones I loved so dear
Because I caused them constant fear
I never planed to be this man
I should of taken a firmer stand

Face my demons and my past
Then mabye I'd be free at last
But I cant I don't know why
Maybe I'm scared so I live a lie

What I want and what I need
I leave to others and there selfish greed
I never make my own decision
And I have fall into total depression

The ones that think there doing good
If they only really understood
What I yearn for deep inside
My needs my wants my silent cries

I'm at a place so far away
On this earth I don't want to stay
I've given up but still holding on
But the gentle me and selfworth is gone

So in my mind Ill retreat again
Blame the world for all my shame
Tell myself it's not my fault
It's just so hard and difficult

Maybe one day all will change
I know this all sounds very strange
But maybe tomorrow all will be well
And I'll at last come out my shell

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong
I read this poem to my mom
and you know how she chose to respond?
with a soft grunt that was truly withdrawn

she doesn’t seem to have a care
for what I might choose to share
I used to leave my soul out bare
but now I voice my thoughts elsewhere