Lie to me and tell me everything's okay
Even though it doesn't seem that way and the clouds are getting darker and closing in
And no one is human among these sons of men
who chase the paper and will cut anything in their way
Yea everything will be okay
Even though it doesn't look like that's the case
and I pray that the time I'm giving you isn't a waste
Because I have no leftovers to give
And it's getting harder and harder to live
To breathe
To think ...

Knew that in this food chain there's a missing link
Between God and me
And it's something I can't see  
And I'm not sure if I will ever be able to do the things you want from me but Maybe that's not the path I'm taking
Jus like how they say promises are meant for breaking
And all I know is I'm looking for an awakening .
Some kind of realization or explanation for why it's so hard right now..
Why can't I figure out how ..
To be successful and carefree and live life the way it's supposed to be - just letting the vibes flow effortlessly

Have you ever vibed so comfortably that you ached to be in their presence?
I hung out with ***** after *****
Man after man
Boy after boy
Just to see if I could move on from a man who treated me differently
Spiritually I was broken
I'm never going to say I'm Anti- ***** but I was sure feeling a way
Then he showed up & boy is he showing out
Who told you to come into my life & be amazing?
I look at him & that's all I see
Such a positive soul
Who I don't think is completely open with me
He hasn't lied but he hasn't let me in
It's like looking into a house through giant glass windows
I see you but I need to know you
I want to know all of him
I try to be honest with myself & I try not to get my hopes up
I know about me & disappointment
We don't work well
My brain spins with this every day
But when he is in my face
I just need him to touch me
Fill my soul with the light of his vibe
& maybe, also **** me
I need that personal intimacy
I sometimes yearned to be wanted
That's the submissive side of me..
That freaky, scary, hidden side
That side of me that wants a fairy tale
I wish to be wanted. Cherished. Loved.
Pin me against the wall & **** me like a stranger but let's get dinner after & maybe watch some soaps
I am also a realist
My soul is so old
My years will never catch up
So I spend my time trapped trying to play catch up
I'm learning to manage money better
I have goals to move
I want to eat better. Look better. Feel better
I want to be better for myself
But now that I've caught this frequency
I think I like it a bit too much
But I am going to ride it as long as I can
Little NIK, you carchbheart eyes so fast but is this different?
I understand the love of a challenge but be honest with me
Everything sends a vibration
From the rough scratch of his working hands on my thighs
Our tilted kisses so we don't bump noses
My lips covering his... as full as they are
The feel of his healthy beard which always smells nice
Especially when coming from between my legs
I like how he can call me every day
come lay with no ****** intent
It's all new to me
I feel kind of drunk
Anyone who knows me knows how I love my alcohol
I'm not trying to be too drunk to see.. this is a different kind of personal intimacy...

I never could
Yes I was hurt
But I'm not angry
And I'm not upset about it
I am just trying really hard
To grow as a person
And that's hard with any extra pressure

I understand why you're using your words
As ammo against me
Because it is a coping mechanism and
I'm sorry I couldn't handle it
Because I want to help
But right now I need to worry about me

I'm going through a lot of changes
Trying constantly to improve myself
Because I need to keep growing
And I've done so much in the past few months
More than I have in my entire life
My friends stopped worrying about me
One said she was always worried before
But now she can breathe easy because
I truly am changing

But I am not mad at you
At all
I hear you
I understand your pain
And I'm sorry I broke you again
I didn't mean to be that person
But I was
And I can't change that fact
I wish I could help you
But I don't think I can
It may seem selfish
But I really am helping myself right now
And anything else will hinder that progress

There's so much I want to do
So much I want to be
And I'm finally realizing that I have the power
To really make a difference for myself
And it's intense
But also amazing

I wish you nothing but
Love and everything good
Because you do deserve it
You are a good person
And your depression doesn't define you
Neither do your coping mechanisms

But I do not hate you
Because I know you're only human
And the only thing we all want
Is to be happy and not feel pain
That's how we're all connected
So I hope you find peace
And I hope you stay clean
Through the process of finding your truth
Because you are an amazing person
And I know you can pull through this

Sometimes these special frequencies invade our space & we latch on blending it with our own
Together these frequencies create these shock waves of happiness & force the Vibes nearest to become flooded with positivity
I knew when God dropped the frequency called Sonia, my life was going to change
All it took was a second...
I bumped into it at the mall & it just stuck
When we played together— the sound? Impeccable!
So crazy how new & fascinating it was... now I can't imagine life without it.

i wish i could read minds
because the vibes are deafening
and i don't know what you're thinking
but i know something is wrong
i feel it
and see it
but i still don't know
what is causing it

s.s

Someone once asked me, "How does it taste?"

I responded, "Perfumey." because I didn't think that they would understand, "Fragrant."

They still didn't get it.

So I tried to make them understand what was meant when things were called "fragrant"
...and then I tried to get them to identify with smelling a smell so strong that you can taste it- I gave up...
and answered,

"I'm just weird. The food is good."

The city of fog
Just outside a city of smog
I don't want to be here
Not after an afternoon in the sun
The cool breeze and
Clean air from big trees
I could finally breathe again
No pressure
No anxiety
No haunting memories
Just myself and the universe
Running across the snow covered rocks
I could easily slip at any moment
But I felt no fear
I felt nothing but free
Yet here I am again
Trapped in an industrial city
Surrounded by death and capitalism
Sure there's some parks
Some controlled spaces of nature
But it's not the same
It's maintained and constructed intentionally
It is not free
It cannot thrive and grow without scrutiny
Take me back to the hills and trees
The rock formations unfazed by human contact
You can feel the energy within it
Even the broken trees lining the ground have life
But not here
It's all dead
Nothing is natural
We think it's beautiful because it's shaped that way
But real nature is beautiful
Simply because it exists as it is
It embodies it's own existence
And nothing compares to that

Freedom
In the cold breeze
Perched high on the icy stone
Snow glazed lakes spanning for miles
I feel at home
At peace
This is my element
I could touch to tops of trees
And breath unpolluted air
Careful steps to prevent slipping
And falling prey to the beauty of nature
The danger
The peace
The passion
I love it all
I am home
At last