I haven't been happy in a while
but today I felt the sun hug my skin so closely
and that was enough to make today worth a little something

i'm tired of being boiled down
to my barest, simplest parts,
and compromised beyond my core.

my facets ignored as if repugnant
or strange--
as if all i can ever be is what portait
painted itself.

to yell into an unyielding void
and be met with a stiff and resounding silence.
to be so resounding unheard despite
sheer and shrieking volume.

to exist in a space where metaphor scarcely follows for fear that truth will dilute it.

what importance did it ever hold?

it was all a cry.

and no one heard.

I'm hanging on by a thread
Because of words that you said

You say you didn't mean it
Don't want to see me cry
There's pain inside my voice
Whenever I ask you why

I knew that you loved me
When you saw me at first glance
So why did you do these things to me
When I gave you a second chance

oh, the wind
           it knocks now on
         my sliding glass door
     the same door that causes me to lay awake at night
         the knocking, i don't like it
                                     no, not one bit

is it the wind?
           or is he back?                               has he found me?
                                          is he going to hurt me again?

          i                  the
                 fear        
                                        wind

you speak like glasswork--
hot, measured, and fragile.
empty promises and murky
depths, opacity that chills
and stuns.

you speak of love
as if you know it,
but you've never let it greet you
at your door.
it knocks and you freeze,
pretend it's a stranger,
though you knew its name before it did.

you've stolen more
than you can ever repay,
and brevity in stillness still stings.

you will do well
without your opaque glass
and brittle words,
but I can't promise the same.

****.
are you uncomfortable?
                 tell me
                         do you feel sick?
****.
i will say it
        over and over again
                    each time louder
                                and more angry than the last
****.
repeating, repeating, repeating
                                 until you decide to
                                                    take action
                                                            and stop blaming the victim
****.
does it scare you?
            do something about it
                       scream about how enraged
                                          you are that this is even an issue

oh dear
    it seems that i've
lost track of time again
              the days are far and few between
    oh dear, oh dear
                       the minutes have melted together
          so have the hours
                                 i see no difference between
                    a week
                                     a month
                                                          or a year
it is all slow
                       i'm aging yet i feel
                                                       just like i did yesterday
           my watch must be broken

I swallow my sins
Running out of breath
Standing on the ledge
It crumbles beneath me

Out of options
I take the plunge
Into complete darkness
Oblivion

My soul exits its shell
Heart shattering to pieces
Everything is scattered
No matter how hard I try
Picking them up is useless

I’M FINE.

don’t mourn for me.
don’t grieve for me.
don’t clasp your hands and pray for me.

i am not the one you wanted me to be.
i am not the one you thought i’d become.

i don’t need your comfort.
i don’t need your concern.
i don’t need your stares.
i don’t need your pity.

i don’t need your help.