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pearl Sep 2020
my love,
    my light
look at you
           those eyes of purity
                                 and trust
         that wrap around my mind like a blanket
oh, to feel your hands
              interlocked with mine
my dearest, my dearest, my dearest

my love
i love you
pearl Sep 2020
his words
like tea
unsweetened and
bitter on my tongue
but now he's
added honey
and the love is
all the more sweet
im back after an extended hiatus.
pearl Apr 2020
a dream in which
i finally was enveloped in your arms again
being held tightly
the dreams are getting more frequent
with the idea that my one chance to see you this year
will be ripped away from me
i want to write songs with you again
i want to see your perfect smile
and listen to you talk about
your anxieties with me like i'm an old friend
why must you live so far
why must we be years apart

i miss you
forbidden love
pearl Apr 2020
i spoke to my mother this morning
about my most recent ex
and how i would still take him back
in a heartbeat
she said to me
"that makes me sad,"
and the only response
i could muster was
"love is dangerous when the abuse feels like home"
disclaimer: a lot of our relationship was lovely but the abuse i experienced with him was neglect and a lot of degradation about me worrying about him so much... he was a drug addict
pearl Apr 2020
my blood is on his hands,
but oh,
he got away!
"he's a thief! he's a thief!" i cry
as he runs into the distance
with my innocence in a bag
thrown over his shoulder
i scream and shrill
"there's not enough evidence," they said
but my blood!
oh, my blood!
it's on his hands!
i want to douse him in gasoline and throw matches on him
i will laugh and smile while he screams
pearl Mar 2020
from the ripe age
of 8 years young
i found myself with
too much access
to a dangerous place
where scary men lurk
to steal little girls like me
"you're beautiful," they'd say
"i love you"
"if you leave i will **** myself"
grooming me like a
villain's lapcat
luring me into a
fake love so that i may
be violated over and over again
conditioned to be a victim
of manipulative animals
who treat me, a child,
like a lover
"i've always liked younger girls,"
my brainwashed mind
blushing at the idea
that someone, somewhere
thought i was worthy of "love"
trigger warning for ******* mention
pearl Mar 2020
what he did
two or so years ago
it has messed me up
oh, yes it has
i see no worth in my body
i see an object
a doll

i've fetishized my own fear
oh, god i want to fear you
make me afraid, afraid, afraid
because that's how *** is supposed to be
i'm not supposed to like it
i'm supposed to be in pain

i've fetishized my own fear
that stockholm-syndrome feeling
it wraps its hands around my throat
take my breath
i want to black out
i want to black out

am i ok?
am i ok?
am i ok?
my brain has blended lust and fear
they are the same
i have fetishized my fear
i hate you i hate you i hate you
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