capable but unmotivated,
love being different, hate being misunderstood,
impulsive long term planner.
strange mix of super private and open book.
rational yet unrealistic.
great at giving advice, bad at following it.
arrogant, but painfully aware of my flaws
sure of myself, yet unassuming
introverted extrovert,
rigorous yet care-free,
perpetual loner with tons of friends.
energetic but lazy,
sensitive, yet cold hearted
gregarious yet studious,
intelligent but spacey,
personal, yet detached.
unhealthy, yet understanding therapist,
competitive mediator.
The optimist who just wants to see the world burn.
Where do I fit in?

I just want it to happen
Like it's a work of magic.
Like some kind of miracle
That cancels all that is tragic.
A spontaneous kind of thing
Without me saying a word
As if you read my very thoughts
As if somehow you heard.

It's a hope I've had all my life.
The perfect lover comes along
Saying exactly what I need to hear
Never puts one foot wrong.
Someone proud to be by my side
That I never have to show the way
And stay beside me as I sleep
At the end of every perfect day.

Because I can't stand any more
Of the things I've had to bear.
The many kinds of disrespect
And the obvious lack of care.
I need that someone special
Who has the gift of giving.
Who sees in me perfection
Your world, life, and everything.

I've had too much of the rest
The other kind of love affair
Where I am just a stopgap
They didn't ever really care.
The love I am looking for
And who you just have to be
Is the soul of romanatic essence,
Absolute perfection, like me.

You know, I thought I had an idea of love,
an idea of things I would do with my first proper girlfriend,
and it went like this:

Telling her she's beautiful everyday,
writing poems for her as often as I can and reciting them to her.
Pulling that studying line : where I tell her I need help studying, but all I want is to make out on my bed.
Trying to make her laugh as often as I can, just so I can see her smile.
Confiding in her.
Holding her close when she cries,
holding her hand and tightening my grip when she's staring at another guy.
Making out with her under the stars,
telling her my life story and my daily struggles.
Treating her like a queen without expecting a king-like treatment in return.
Telling her that I love her as often as I can,
spontaneously asking her for walks or dates, just because texting or skype doesn't cut it for me.
Teasing her,
tickling her,
hugging her,
pleasing her,
kissing her...

The list goes on... but now I realise that all this just proves I am a hopeless romantic and that relationships won't be as easy and flowery and romantic as I've always thought.

Falling for hyper-fit gym rats.
Salivating over straight guys
Dating guys who never once
Looked me right in the eyes.
Much too easy to be picked up,
It’s almost like they know I am
The perfect dupe for one-night stands;
The sucker for the guys that scam.

I’ve had my wallet lifted once
My car stolen one time, too.
I have lots of phone numbers
Nobody is connected to.
I laughed at all their jokes and
I bought all of the drinks,
And never once did he seem
To want to know what I think.

It was all so very mellow, then.
I told him my name when we met.
But within a half hour after that
He forgot it, I would place a bet.
He never introduced me to
Any of the guys who said hi.
There might be other reasons
But I think he forgot is why.

Once I thought my problem was
That I was being much so easy.
That good guys weren’t attracted
To someone that was too ******.
But age and wisdom taught me
Being needy is dating poison.
So, I’m slowly but surely learning
An extremely humiliating lesson.

Dare to Dream awake
And a fleeting spec of dust falls in your eyes
You wonder with eyes wide open
Is this me?

You stand by the sycamore trees
Palms wide open scanning the branches
Opening your eyes to its length
A little to long you think, to long to want to climb

As time passes by you don't pass by their trail
Its to painful to know where they are, but ask yourself, will they please dream a little dream of me

I'm a little bit terrified that I'm
A real life
Manic pixie dream girl.

What if I only exist
To help others
Find their place in this world?

What if I'm doomed
To float in and out
Of depressive episodes?

Never having actually
Done much of anything.
A depthless side character

In my own life.

iJust Want To Escape From Reality once again.
Heartfull of Pain, Pipe Full of Magic
Im Having So Many
Racing Thoughts, wild emotions zoning i feel like
Im losing it Again, iwant Outs at this moment i want to
Scream "**** THIS" And Run Away again.  Icant cope
With this, its too much iwant to feel numb and forget.