Leaning on the step-brother of an open window
The young marble vase gleamed with sadness:

The drops of the rain filled its heart
With sprinkles of its holy water.

“Do not help me
I was supposed to be filled
With blood.”

Really:

Blood,
   or Flood?
Is it Good?
        Goodbye,
                        then.

And to the thunderstorm outside
The hanging lamps sways

          And laugh:

A tragic suicide of cupped glass and weary light
In their own personal smoky sunset.

        And that is alright.
        At least for them.

What is expected then, from a bottled hope:
If what is taken has leaped in loyalty?

And what is expected from saviors and their teacups
If the one who took away demands harmony?

The three-legged chair hummed quietly
Of the joy it gets when it gets nowhere;

the old table insisted
For it to stay by the open door.

The open door wondered
And the windowed step-brother cursed;

About the vase and the light bulb
Also about the wrinkling crooked chair.

The reasoning behind their dedication:
The light to the lamp
The vase to the blood
And the seat to weary hearts.

Why, do you a—

Ah,
I forgot to get you
The soaked rope
That bonds us together.

I'll protect you,
Do what ever I have to do
To make you smile, to make you happy
I'll save you  from everything
I'll buy you whatever you want
Because your love is all I want
Please, just smile my way
I'll pick up the pieces of your broken heart
I promise, baby, we'll never be apart
I'll be your hero
I swear I'll never leave, no, won't ever go
Baby, I'll never hurt you
Not if I can help it, I promise my words will always be true
I hate to see you mad
And it **** me seeing you sad
So, please don't cry
Let me in, I want to be your guy
I know you say "We'll always be be friends"
But is that where our story ends?
So when you're wanting to go
Think of my hero syndrome before you let your true colors show
You're my damsel in distress
My Meg to my Hercules, I don't care if you owe the devil
Every encounter I'll level
I want to be your hero
But you don't need to be saved, but I can't walk away, no
I have this urge to save you
And you tell me that's not something I need to do
I see you in pain
And it drives me insane
You want to save yourself, you want to be strong
But how can I see you struggle on this road so long?
I want to save you
But you say that I'm just another boy with hero syndrome, how can I just be another guy?
Have they ever wanted to stop the tears you cry?
You laugh in my face
And when you run I can't help but give chase
I want to be your hero
But you tell me to just walk away, to just go
You try to tell me you're trying to save me from who you are
But I love you so much, I don't care about what you've done or how far you've gone
I'll join the crowd of the boys who love you
I'll be there when the rest of them don't come through
Girl, I want to be your hero
And I'm making no plans to go

She screamed her lover's name
begging Him to set her free,
Oh and Jesus took her home when He heard her call.
Smoke and fire
and ash and tears they disappeared for Joan.
The fire raged to find another living home.

It found it's home inside of me
Oh but the flames have learned  to not be seen
And I call His name to  rescue me
             but
                  He
                     doesn't hear me.

What if I 'd had a vision
Led an army off to war
Would you list to my cries then
Would you settle up the score?

See I'm just woman
Nothing beautiful to see
Jesus tell me what the difference is
between Joan of Arc
and
me.

Sometimes losing an appetite
Isn't a syndrome of an illness
It's a side effect
Of losing interest
In life.


F.Z.N

Longing for clouds in shallow ground.
To go back to the place i was found.
The whispers of wind crossing my breath.

In every instant I can see the clocks turn.
Have i come to myself to learn?

In these times of cloudy days iv learned to frown.

Become a clown...
Cover my face...
Live in secret....
In a nightmarish place.

Its all i can do to survive in this space

There is no grace in this empty place
No space.....
No space at all....
In this empty place.

Looking back threw the pages I awaken the memory.

I live in my thoughts in an enigmatic place.
Not clear where the others are.

Its all i can do to survive in this...
There is no space in this empty place.

No space....
No space at all....
In this empty space.

In dream my reality is delusion...
In walking my delusions are dream.

So cold of dreams I welcome to finally fill.

The chill has become so sharp I cant take this part.

Its all i can do to survive in this.....
There is no space in this empty place.

No space.......
No space at all......
In this empty space.

Have i come to myself to learn?

I have to face.......
that someone else needs to fill that space.

No space......
No space......
In the empty space.

Not clear where the others are..... I have left that place.

Left that place......
Left that place....
That painful place.

Clouds in shallow grounds.

*Living with Chiari Malformation, Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (EDS) and Dysautonomia

My Wings Fail Mother Nature.

In my world the sun always shines behind windows tainted....  the color of pink curtains draped threw its rays.

Someone take me away from the darkness ....I succumb.... feels so dark.

The walls that contain me are to keep me safe..... with its  dry stale air.... artificial  light .... keeping me from flight.

I need the light...... not just any light... one that shines a special way.....down on our  oceans, sees and bays......the one that shines on the wild.......it defines my purpose so I do not decline.

I miss my mother....... Mother Nature was always able to sooth the pain in my brain..... encourage me to dance.... to sing along.

All this eases the constant shame and for a moment I feel I belong..

She showed me many things  Id never had known on my own.

I learned to swim with her  fish and run with her deer....... she taught me to feel so much,  such love in her heart, she taught me to speak without any words and showed me many of natures cures.

I became addicted to her drawl and now her loss is causing a withdrawal......... like a drug screaming for my all.

Now I have to rely on man...... a concept not to familiar to me..... I suffer in his hands..... suffer so....why cant they just let me go.

Man was the only creature my Mother could not tell me of........ I was only told I was different.... Not like them.....that I would see.

God...I beg to walk in her grass ...dance in her winds...run in her rains...and feel her healing hands.
"I can't get up!"

I do not understand, its not all about this pain.....it is bearable at times when i try real hard......so why can't I get up.....work or play?

I just sit there so quiet as to not even think......?

Can't get up to just sit in the sun?.......... there is nothing left but man out there?.....

Its just "not" the same.

I really do...... as strong as my heart can want to go..... but my legs tire... I can not run.... my wings, to just lift them....how heavy they fell.

I am afraid now as the times I have run well..... in... "deceiving me".... my wings still failed.

God....I can take the pain....all the pain you can give.....It's taking my Mother  from me I can not stand!

I am not meant to sit here and dwell, I do not deserve to be in hell.

To many times I should have died...so many times I just tried.

But you still forgave me.......... I question why....this world is hard and I don't belong....

I cry so hard...for being barred....with absolutely no regard ....such tears I cry knowing  how easy it is for them to just discard my life.

What shame I feel deep inside....

I keep looking to be rescued for a hero to come...but  ....no hoof stomping sounds ......No white horse on my  drive...... it always stays predictably quiet.

I don't think I trust man or ever did....I think they have forgotten me trapped in here trapped in this land.

I don't think I'm going to be rescued or swept away.....I don't think I will ever be that miracle in....

....I am just one of the forgotten who hide inside....no one to speak of...... as they shut their eyes and cast their own lies in order to survive.

I guess no one can lift me from my pain.....no one cares I'm not there......so it really doesn't matter....as if I cared?

I care about my God...My mother and the few that understand....the ones who have helped me because they just can.

It is ok they laugh at my neck in a noose..... its been always abuse.

Never did I disbelieve in you father...... even when I turned by back in anger and said I didn't agree.

I have faith there is reasons for me to be the one...the one to hold the brunt of the pain.....make me responsible for others games.....make me suffer in another name...take on all the shame.

I can accept this but I beg you now....just give me back my Mother somehow.... I promise to move on from this and make you proud.

But my wildness is somehow...more important to me than I could ever tell.................my silent words.....  my language she knows.....just get me out ..........tell me my job is done.

I do not mind dying alone, but until then I need to go, there are things I need to do....people to touch and show the way.

I can not do this when my light is dark....please release me so I can show....that my life was worth this great big show.

I need to stretch my wings and fly again.....forget those who tried to steal my glow.

As long as you and I know who I am....your love will help my wings expand......so I can sore high above our land.

Please let me see my Mother again.

AL

*Living with Chiari Malformation, Ehlers–Danlos syndrome (EDS) and Dysautonomia.

I think I have Restless Mind Syndrome.
I have not had it diagnosed but it should be, I might need to suggest to my doctors to add it to the medical books.
I think on second thought if I made that suggestion, I might get a strange look.
I wonder if the doctor would think I was a hypochondriac.
The condition gets worse when I hit the pillow and try to sleep, and sometimes troubles me to the point were I become an Insomniac.
I think and think and think and my thoughts seem to swim;  so much so that it is hard to keep track of were my thoughts end or begin.
If I was a drinker I might reach for some gin.
In cases like this it seems like my train of thought seemed to have derailed long ago.
The symptoms of my condition seem to be getting worse each year, one example is that when I try to write something down such as a phone number the numbers get messed up between my mind and the paper; It would appear that I have dyslexia because some numbers get reversed.
I get so frustrated to the point of tears at times, and fear that I am on the verge of losing my mind.
I think of all the things left to do, or think of things I should have done better, and I wonder what is the matter with me, when I think to much I fear insanity; I wish that I had a more normal mind.
I hope someone can find the cure for my Restless Mind soon before I run out of time.

Don’t give me what I want.
Give me what I need.
Never surprise me.
Don’t give me more than what I’m expecting.
Just the minimum required not to make me walk away.
Don’t worry: I’m expecting very little.
Keep me waiting.
Don’t forget to switch the light off when you’re gone.
Make sure I’m left in the darkness and in a cold corner.
Tell me everything about the way you feel.
In details.
Make sure I know all about the pain you feel for someone else.
No matter how deep it cuts me, I’m tough.
Please give me a chance to comfort you and make it better.
Let me heal your wounds.
I know you’re alone and you can only rely on me.
For God’s sake, never make me your priority.
Never put me in the center of your world.
We both know who’s the center of your world.
Never change this.
Don’t give me what I want.
Give me what I need to stay in this.
Never surprise me.
Make me feel that I’m invisible to you,
But please
Make sure I survive through this,
Keep me alive
Because you need me.
You especially need me when you’re alone.
Make sure I realize
That I only exist
Because you are heartbroken.
That you called me in your world just to comfort you.
Keep repeating how amazing I am.
I’m your best friend and your nurse.
I’m your guardian angel.
I wouldn’t even be here if you weren’t damaged.
But keep saying that I’m your love,
Keep saying that I’m your girlfriend.
Feel free to use me,
I’m at your disposal
Because I love you.
Give me little in return,
Just the minimum required not to make me walk away.
Keep me hidden in your shadows.
Never show me to the world.
Stay blind to my feelings for you,
Keep thinking that I’m dying ’cause of something else.
Take good care of me when I’m drowning in despair.
Make sure nothing affects my ability to heal you.
Go along with my little wishes.
Never propose something we could do together.
But keep saying yes to whatever I’d like to do with you.
Make sure I feel that you’re only aiming to please me.
Keep me chained to your own chains.
Never let me go.
Lie to me.
Say that your heart is split in two.
Better not to talk about proportions.
Poison me.
Love me when you fear that I’m walking away.
You’re so much sweeter when you’re feeling guilty.
Cut me to the bone.
But never run out of bandages.
Smile softly as you’re repairing the damage you created.
Kiss my fresh wounds.
Keep repeating that you love me.
But never show me love.
Complicate me.
Love me when nobody is around.
But don’t be around when I’m only there for you.
Keep reminding me that you don’t want me,
Never say this openly.
Make sure I understand that you only need me.
Keep repeating that you adore me.
Don’t give yourself to me,
But make sure I think you do.
Keep saving yourself for the one you truly love.
Never treat me bad.
Never abuse me.
Just give the minimum required
Not to make me walk away.
Give me the key to open this cage
But make sure I don’t even wish to leave.
Make sure that I think I’m yours.
Make sure that I’m terrified of losing you.
Marry me if it’s necessary.
Do to me what’s been done to you.