for all the times my consent didn't matter to you.
for all the times you told me that since we're in a relationship I should want to have *** with you.
for all the times I had to hide in the bathroom crying while looking at all the red marks and the bruises.
for all the nights I stayed up trying to catch my breath while you were sleeping beside me.
for all the times I cried during an act that was supposed to be intimate.
for all the times you grabbed me and said "please, baby, please? I love you"
for all the times you saw me crying because of the random man who tried to grab me on the streets.
for all the times I told you about my PTSD I suffered due to childhood ****** abuse.
for all the times you took advantage of me.
for all the times you hurt me, I am now going to conquer.

you have made me suffer through another type of abuse,
an abuse that many people don't realize real.
because of you, I suffered through domestic violence/marital ****.

I am not a victim, I am a survivor.

i am endlessly tired
of seeing all these successful people
and i am endlessly tired
of creating catastrophes
when it is never intentional
but calling them mistakes
starts to sound like excuses
no it really isn't
and even my passions are useless
and i'm no good at those either
when i kind of want to share it with the world
and become one of those successful people
but i suppose i need to accept
i'll always be in the unnoticed dark
efforts are futile
people see success
not efforts
people see useless failures
not struggling survivors

=_=

I killed a woman
Years ago
She's buried away
On the low.

She was sick
From drugs and *****.
She couldn't win
For her chance to lose.

She was not
Easy to ****.
But i knew how
To find the skill.

I met Jesus Christ you see...
... the woman that I killed

was ME.


I'm a dead woman
Yet I'm living.
I died in Jesus
I'm forgiven.

My old self
Tries to rise
But i won't listen
To the same lies.

I'm in the Rock.
I'm in the cleft.
I am buried
In His death.

Now I LIVE
On Christ I lean.
I'm a dead woman walking

I'm REDEEMED.


♡ Catherine
aka SoulSurvivor

I have been drowning in my stream.
Sinking deeper, descending to the bottom.
Fighting upstream all these years to find my happiness,
While realizing happiness does not exist in calm waters.
Chaos still persists in my tranquility of life.
Blissfullness only happens within myself.  
Looking for the brightness inside my darkened childhood.
A pile up of abuse and sadness,
Is it possible for darkness and radiance to coexist?
As the stream ultimately drives me to its foundation.
Grounded in the dark chilled soil.
My roots live in this mud.
Established here, this is who I am.
Rising up above, as I feel my freedom of inner peace soar above the hardships of life.
Traveling to water's surface.
All this time struggling to swim against the currents.
Searching for a fictitious serene place that only existed in my imagination.
I am no longer swimming to obtain peace.
I am accepting my essence planted in this stream.
Centered and ingrained to the life I was chosen for.
Gazing up as I comfortably hover up to the sun rays.
Beams piercing underneath sensing the heat of happiness  
Reaching the top, enlightened paradise waiting for me.
Opening my petals one by one; my process is slow and intricate.
The bright cloudless sky above me, soaking in the stillness.
Basking in this moment.
Until the dark sky falls upon me.
I restore myself below the surface, back to my roots.
Until a new day, a rejuvenated mind, another rise to the surface.
Experiencing joyfulness with each blossoming petal.
Embedded in my mud of life, finding delight regardless of where I am rooted.
Understanding that harmony is internally created by me.
Discovering my inner peace within the darkness I come from.
I am me, complicated yet simple.
Universal, yet rare
Fragile, yet strong
Broken, yet beautiful.
I am a lotus

© Jl 2015

The long breath before the plunge into the sand,
That which makes you want to not pick yourself up,
For once you know, you get ***** by the end of the month,
But the greens you can count on,
Makes it rather a fair deal, or does it?

The real question is, would you rather deceive yourself
and the rest of the world, for the denomination,
to only trade your fortune to be in the rut  that is called
the day to day life of the survivors,
Suffering from the plague that is called The Normal

did you ever see his face
as he took your innocence away
did you ever look into evil's eyes
did you play the devil's games
did you try to **** yourself
when it was all over
because the blood wouldn't wash from your thighs
did you scream into your pillow at night
so no one heard your cries
did you watch your world go up in fire that retracted your soul in smoke
did you mask the pain with the blade of change just so you could cope
did you feel like you just might not make it
did you wonder how much longer you could take it
did you wonder how people could say that you faked it
did you ever wonder why you

did it happen to you?