You called me last night
It was February all over again and we were so enamored with the idea of love; god, do you remember the way we talked about the future?
You called me last night
I was beginning to forget the sound of your voice but you needed to remind me what my own blood tasted like & I swear it pooled in my mouth, seeping from unknown cuts, when you told me I was heartless.
You called me last night
it was late but I was sleeping for the first time since you forced yourself inside of me and the nightmares have begun to go away but I still taste the salty tears you drowned my consent in
and when I picked up the phone you asked me, "Do you know how much I've cried?"
JESUS **** I couldn’t care less because for 3 and a half months you cried until my lungs were filled with sadness that wasn’t even my own
and when I could finally breathe you ripped my voice from my throat screaming "I WANT YOU TO **** ME"
and my objections meant nothing to you because for those 5 minutes that your clammy hands were on my body you were not the one crying
so why the hell would you say I made you sad?
THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED, YOU TOOK WHAT YOU WANTED
and you never even bothered to pull me out from under the tidal wave of your insecurities to ask me how I was feeling because you were SO **** SAD
Don't you think I was hurting too? Did you ever stop to think that maybe when you cuffed me to your headboard the metal cut at my skin and ground against bone?
Did it ever cross your mind that your hands around my neck made me see black and blue and shades of purple trailing from my waist to the small of my back in the shape of your clenched fist
My skin was baby soft when we first met and I wore my heart on my cheek but now the calloused flesh of my palms has scraped away any remnants of the girl I used to be- the girl you ruined
Did you care that I was hurting? Did you care that I WAS SAD?
You were always so ******* FRAGILE and I guess thats why you forced your heavy heart into my unwilling hands, because you could never handle the pain you caused me.
-m.r.

I have guilt,
I have depressed thoughts.
If only I waited a bit longer.
I have my guilt,
I have my anxiety.
If only it didn't consume me.
I, me, myself,
My person is viewed differently.
No, it's not my skin, views, religion,
It's not my ethnicity.
My person is viewed differently,
It's my minds disabilities.
The way my cog wheels are shaped.
The way they get caught on certain sounds, smells, and feelings.
I should of waited a bit longer,
I am sorry to impose my difficulties,
As you can see I am labeled.
I have been labeled as a child;
from projects kid, to problem child, mentally challenged, to Suicide survivor.
That’s right I have guilt.
I am sorry for what I've done,
I am sorry my act has disgraced you,
I am sorry I can't be normal,
I am sorry I can't be normal,
I am sorry I embarrass and make you ashamed of me,
I am sorry I didn't fight you and make you wait a bit longer,
Five Minutes.
that’s all it would of taken,
I would of quieted down,
I would of gone to sleep; never ending.
I have guilt, but
A bit longer and you would have been sorry.

I have made it,
I have pieced myself up bit by bit,
Getting stronger with every hit,
With help around ,
Never let myself reach the ground ,
Where in the past I would have drowned,
My thoughts, my feelings are my embrace ,
Recovery you see, it is not a race ,
It is something which requires you to set your pace,
No matter how long you are down,
I promise you can still come around ,
With happiness your aim ,
You will never be the same ,
Although of your depression never be ashamed ,
I have scars and I have marks ,
Of which I may never part,
But accepting them is just the start,
The strength I feel now ,
Before to stop myself I did not even know how.
If you're a survivor of depression please take your bow.

A year ago today I woke up.
And for the first time in years
The sun rose,
Its rays blinding me,
Not with helplessness
But with hope.
I stretched and the sadness slipped away
As the anxiety evaporated in the morning heat.

A year ago today I saw the world for the first time
All its bright lights and smiling faces.
I saw how wonderful it was to be alive.
I stood in the centre of the world
Consuming the beauty,
Breathing in the wonder.
To think I could've stayed asleep
And been oblivious to this place.

A year ago today I breathed a sigh of relief.
It had gone.
There was no longer a black hole within my heart,
Destroying my happiness.

Oh my god it is wonderful to be alive.

A year ago today I woke up.
And I smiled.
It was over at last.

Mouth gaping
Words spewing out
Don't give a ****
this is me
without a doubt!
Overflowing with
Excitement!
Face painted with
Cheer!
Even in the times
of **** stained kicks
I persevere.
This is just me.
I'm queer.

September 2014

Do you know how it feels to be yelled at
screamed at
***** slapped
all that
Hiding in a corner praying that it's over

Do you know how it feels to be
called names
shameful things
head games
things you can't bear to hear

Do you know how it is to feel
***** and unclean
terrified, scared, mean
angry enough to scream
******* to all the world and *******, to you too

Do you know what it is to feel
like the bad words stick to you
running you all through
ripping at the real you
rip and cut and **** me too

Do you know how much I just need to take a bath
wash away all the mad
rinse all the sad
scrub all the bad
be careful you don't wash away, too

& i find it so sad...
that they only take your sadness seriously
when you've survived an attempt or
when you're actually

... dead.

There is a fighter in me
that people need to see.
I have been through a lot
even though you may think not.

You told me when I would say goodbye
everyone would be glad to watch me die.
You laughed at my pain
even as it caused my life to be insane.
Hospital stays plagued my day to day life
not knowing if I would grab the knife.....

A soldier, over comer, survivor
the list can go on
I did what you thought was impossible.
I made it!
I am so much stronger!
This is who I am: a sixteen year old
who has made it through something so bold.