I wish people would stop warning me about you
I trust you
I love you
I need you
But these people are instilling fear
And anxiety
Deep in what is me
And I hate it
I don’t want to worry about these things
Because you are
A king
A god
A ethereal being
Not
A liar
A cheat
A user
I cannot see those things in you
I cannot see these bad things
I don’t know
I trust that you are changing
But I also worry
As these people keep coming to me
I would like to
Feel safe
Feel loved
Feel trusting
Feel secure
Feel worthy
But these people make it so hard
I wish they would stop
Because I don’t ******* care
I love you
And that’s all that matters

All my friends talk about
Is walking pigs down the street
And touching fake *****
Why are we like this

It's never good enough.
You can try your best,
Give them anything-
Everything you've got,
Completely destroy yourself for them,
And still be left looking stupid.

I was dead
Every kiss, from the beginning: empty
Nothingness
It was easy to feel nothing
Nothing was nothing

or maybe it was him...
Dead
The lies were rotting his insides
Plastic encasing his face

Or maybe it was me...
Pushing and pulling my weights on my ankles
They were toys, not chains.
And he didn't like that.

...

Maybe it was us...
Maybe we killed each other
Grinding each other into dust
Into nothingness

I wished I pulled away
but I so badly wanted to feel
So I kept forcing the gears to grind
I wanted to feel what my thoughts were screaming
"This boy is a God-send!"

Maybe that's why I buried my bible...

My spirits were slashed
I had rather we decay together
Than to loose faith in feeling

But faith isn't fact
because on paper we were vile
We needed to burn our book


...so I did


My insides caught flame
but I remember is the glow of the embers
The story distorts as new anecdotes are cached
All that pain for more numb nothingness.

My faith was placed wrong pile
I relished in the the absence
but the body that desperately wanted to feel
Was telling me from the start...

No flame
No spark
No love
Just blind faith
in numb nothingness.

Stupid
You're old enough now
You should know better
Don't even
Don't you dare
Don't you cry
****
It's spilling
Its
S  p
i    l    l
i      n      g
Out
You ******* crybaby
STOP
Now everyone's worried
Well not everyone
He's not worried
He hasn't even noticed
He just walked by
*******
Crying even harder?
You wimp
S H U T  U P
I don't know why I'm crying okay?
Yes, you do
I don't
Liar
He's leaving
And he didn't even notice you
Wow
That's right
You're too old for this
It's not like you're special
Nearly every one has that black hole inside of them now
Fill it with food
Or material things
Or strangers
But it won't work
You think that there's someone out there for you?
Someone who will fill you?
Make you better
Stupid *****
No one will do that for you
So ******* grow up
and stop crying

Stop crying

i miss him so much.

his soul, his presence,
the way he smiles.

his hands, his eyes,
the way he holds me.

I can't remember how many times I've tried to say no before ***. It was always easier to get it over with instead of trying to struggle.

Confronting him about it doesn't work. I did it once. He told me not to give him a cheeky answer, that I should've said no.

But I did say no.

It scares me that he’s capable of this, that he can find it in him to do this to me.

He scares me. I act like he doesn’t, so much that sometimes I can convince myself I can get through everything. But he does, no matter how hard I try to believe otherwise.

I tense up when he walks towards me with that look in his eyes. My heartbeat quickens, and how I wish it were in a good way. I don’t dare to look at him. Then he makes me look up at him, and he kisses me.

And it begins all over again.