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tinnnafish Oct 26
I’ve heard people say it before
Just go with the flow
Just say no
My voice feels so small
But deep down I know I need to be heard
Yes, I am traumatized
I have a hard time saying no
But that does not mean I am all yeses
I have other cues waiting for you
My silence begs you to stop
When I freeze I just pray you won’t hurt me like he did
When I move your hand I wish you would embrace me in a hug
Instead of touching me where it hurts the most
If I change the subject I just want you to know I’m not ok
When I can’t stop talking I want to distract you
If you were good for me you’d notice I’m trying to say no
Im trying so hard but I am afraid
Why can’t you see that I am so scared to say no?
tinnnafish Oct 22
i don't know if i want to kiss your lips or just your skin
I just know i'm falling
but I’m afraid I’ll hit the ground hard. And I don't want to.
Can your arms hold the weight of my love? Or do they just want to hold my naked body?
Are you sure it's the best idea to just see where things go?
You make me think love isn’t a real thing
sometimes it seems beautiful
    fictional
        toxic
             deadly…
You still kiss me like i'm what you want
but i know it's just a game to you
Please don't be surprised if one day i refuse to participate.
you're patronizing
                inconsiderate
                     cold  
                 debilitating
                
but somehow you still find the words and continue dragging me along.

i'm not sure if you're really toxic….
or it's just all in my head.
because i love you
I think I love you?
Or maybe, i only love you when you're in my bed.
I still haven’t decided
tinnnafish Oct 22
I said “I love you”
“sorry, I don’t” you say
My smile slowly faded
“You’re prettier when you’re quiet” you say
don’t worry, I still love you
no matter how many parts of me you shatter,
i’ll still keep waiting for you
maybe I'm am fool but it's because I love you

i’m just waiting for you to love me back
tinnnafish Oct 21
I want to be confident but I dont know how.
Men have never told me I was beautiful.
They’ve never shown me I’m worth while just being me
I've always struggled with my self image. Constantly gaining and losing 20 pounds
I thought I had finally found a boy who genuinely thought I was beautiful
But boy was I WRONG! 

At 120 pounds my boyfriend called me fat when I was on top during ***
I rolled over and cried feeling so insecure
He just continued to **** me. Telling me I looked like a cow
He continued to degraded me whenever we had ***
This continued for weeks.
At 120 pound the same boy chose to slap me across the face so hard I fell to my knees.
Apparently telling him I had been ***** last week was somehow my fault.
To him I was now fat and disgusting
I started to believe him so I just let him beat me down.
At 110 pounds I was still too fat and he said I was disgusting to look at
He told everyone I was a ***** and broke up with me.
Now I can’t let a man see me naked without wanting to cry
I can’t look at myself in the mirror without hearing his words
And I sure as hell don't have enough confidence to stand up for myself
tinnnafish Oct 21
i try to make it look like i'm okay
but I’d be lying if I said that I was
and no one sees through the smile
No one  sees that i'm crying
i keep pretending that things are ok
Walking around with lonely feeling
i can't keep walking this line
Sooner or later I’m going to fall
And no one is going to catch me
tinnnafish Oct 21
I’ve loved you in ways that I have never been loved
I loved you for reasons that you will never know
I’ve loved you for longer than you’ve known and for far longer than you’ve deserved
It’s my fault for loving you too much
I knew you weren’t capable of accepting what I had to give
But you didn’t have to make me feel stupid
I can’t count the times you’ve brought tears to my eyes or have made me cry
You’ve hurt my feelings so many times and I just want to know why
If I could go back in time I’d try to be perfect for you just so you didn't make me feel so stupid
I gave you so many chances to change and you just made me look stupid
And now I have tears in my eyes and you’ve made me cry
I don't know why you had to make me look so stupid
tinnnafish Oct 18
i miss the sound of your voice,
the ways words rolled off your tongue as you spoke,
the love that was felt in every silent moment

i miss you in the way  
that i don’t feel whole,
It feels like we’re just part this poem
A bunch of random words ready for
eyes who are eager to read it.

i do not feel we are strong .
i loved too softly and a little too deeply.

I was content with the subtle touches of your hand
Now I just miss any touch at all

i miss you...

so much that there is a hole the size of you  inside me.

i wish you knew...

maybe you do?

maybe i don't cross your
mind as often as you cross mine.

even if I don’t, my love for you still continues

in the darkest parts of my soul,
Reminders of you light me up

Our memories. The feeling of young love.
gentle, pushing gently against my walls that have quickly been put back up

i miss you. a bit too often, and a bit too much.
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