I miss you in words that don't exist,
the way the moon misses the sun,
and plants miss rain in a drought.

I miss you in feelings that I don't understand.
When I scan rooms I only search for your face,
but it's never there.

I miss your smile, like I miss warmth,
even when it's sunny I don't feel it on my skin.
Your absence leaves a void,
I just want to be whole again.

i called Jesus today to ask where He put my sweater
that was laying on the edge
of the brown armchair in the living room
but He hasn't called me back yet.

i'd like to think that maybe His phone died,
but i know He's ignoring me
because the phone rings twice
and then goes straight to voicemail.

i wonder if it's because i came home late last night
smelling like ash and whiskey.
He says He can taste how mixed up I am,
and calls me bitter
because i won't let Him kiss me on the mouth.

But i don't want him to know
that Sazerac tastes sweeter than His sermons,
even though it burns like hell.

He says i need to stop drinking, but He doesn't understand.
i need that fire in my throat. i need to be warm.
And He took my only sweater.

Waiting Still for Tomorrow

Deafening tone,
Makes me not alone,
Continually singing a sorrow.
Bring not today,
For I beg keep away,
That lament until Tomorrow.

It whispers so loud,
“You are lost in the crowd,
Lost in a sea of harrow.”
It’s censure grew — strewth!
Mocking my sad truth,
Threatening what follows Tomorrow.

I attempt to evade —
Stopped by a palisade,
Yes, stopped by a wall of yarrow.
Plucking mere few,
Intent to make new,
My wounds and be healed by Tomorrow.

“Sweet yarrow await,
I shall be kept late,
By that tormentor who inflicts sorrow,”
But yarrow soon will fade,
Leave my mind in the shade, and
My heart waiting still for Tomorrow.

Somber eyes
Fastened mouth
Broken fingers
As I stare out my bedroom window at the sky-
At an unidentifiable moon that seems to faintly glow behind its shadow.
Unknown to the rest of space,
Unknown to me.

To the boy who took the time to piece me back together
before I slipped out of your hands
thank you and I'm sorry
it was such a rough journey to take
With our paths running every which way
I would feel found one moment and be lost in another
For that - I'm sorry
I saw commitment grinding its teeth and licking its lips
in a corner with a grin as precise as an eclipse
and I ran as fast as I could
as far as I could
not to it, but from it
because upon first glance
it looked as tough as confinement
For that - I'm so-
The distance is unfair, you say
as vines come whipping down the wall we built together
attempting to create a bridge
but my heart is heavy treasure
I should have traveled with it anyway
taken the risk with a side of adventure
You were willing to give it your all
but deep down I knew I could never come close to standing as tall
You were the giver
The giving tree
and I - a leaf
falling ever so soundlessly
Neither of us saw this point drawing
closer and closer
inch by inch
but by the time we realized it was there
we were already bleeding
yellow and gold and every happy color that exists
Our bodies, becoming hollow shells in a deep abyss
The morning beams trickling in through the trees
was beautiful still
You were beautiful lying on the ground
with sunlit eyes showing another land free to explore
but fear got the best of me
For that – I’m sorry
I may have slipped from your hands but you’ve yet to slip from mine
It is true that time goes on but with you, time crept on
like your fingers going up and down my spine
You were the giver
The giving tree
As hollow as you may be now
your roots are still alive and growing
and I wish I could say more
than anything
but alas, it is time to close this door
For that – I’m sorry

Unending. Pulsating. Degrading displacing discomfort on frozen ice beds of memories.

Fearful. Tearfully regretting the times you didn't say what you wanted to say.

Pretend the end isn't drawing near, threatening all that is dear to the imperfect balance that borders insanity.

Vanity. Crazed apologetics forcing your hand in your somber attempt at a grand gesture.

Enticing forgiveness overdone by the willingness to forgetting innocent Mistakes.

The fading grace you fake to seem okay hidden beyond hindsight and letting go of your right to love.

Stop loving.