What’s opposite of a teacher

I have thanked them all
For what I am
But wait master Ji
What about the glass half empty

No!
No credits to thee
For the ignorant, indignant,
insolent -me
For indecisive, irrational -me

For teaching the logic of convenience
Over the struggle and friction
then enabling to veneer the meekness
with vainglorious diction

“Sit  down” for “How?”
“Shut up” for “ Why??”
You didn’t even,
ever let me Try!
Branded the doubt as foolery
and ensured that my mind
be all but free
Yes, all but
Free!!

Contouring my thoughts
with that of someone else’s
Delineating the world
of abstracts into absolutes
Befouling the beauty of randomness
by the confines of routine

So why
Yes - Why
I dare to ask
On this day ‘ O Teacher’,
you stand so tall
All in all you’re just
Another brick in the wall.

dilated black pupil
i watch take shape
grin of pink with form so clean
ambushes grey soul

touch like feather
greets
fist of gold
bold strikes, put to rest
by feather of gold

untethered
she pilots soul
i pilot soul
never fly so low
always take high to zones unknown to globe
havent felt this way in yrz.

finally warm
finally free
finally home

then,
she's gone
ow...
solo|w|
again.

Now that it’s over, or so you say,
I feel compelled to wait another day,
For you to cry, for you to miss me.
I have visions that you kiss me
And forget about how I hurt you
But even that aches; I still desert you,
On every single day.

You said you want me gone,
That all is lost and you’re alone.
Yet somewhere deep behind my shame,
I hear you whispering my name.
I tell you in absentia: “I never meant to hurt you.”
That I was deserting my old self and not you.
And yet I come back and you’re still gone.

Would it help if I said it was never about you?
Or does that hurt because it really was?
Would you understand that I didn’t yet deserve you?
Or does it feel too much like a stumbling pause
Between the beauty thing that was you and me
And the pull of a deserted house, a dangerous key?

I was sick and lost for so many years,
Drying my own sorrow with another’s tears.
The emptiness I felt inside was hidden,
Behind another’s hell.
I looked in the mirror to find myself
And saw a backward road on a path I knew too well.
Trying to escape—it was not love but addiction
That pulled me back to a tragic fiction.

And now I live in a no-man’s land.
I reach out in the night to grasp your hand,
Expecting to feel you there,
Imagining climbing up the stair
To reach you in the light,
As I used to do when things were right.
But now it’s over,
We’re nowhere now.
I’m sorry, so sorry my love!
I still will find you somehow.

Why I am so Beat

Something about...the road, old shoes and sore feet,
motorcycles and wine,
greasy diners and last dimes,
half a stale Hoagie left to eat.
Man, that's
why I am so Beat.

Headed out west from town to town.
Dry-rot houses, faded signs,
Pioneers in rags, so behind the times.
This dead world keeps puttin’ me in a funk,
Pal, that’s why
I’d rather just stay drunk.

Girls and boys in every bar,
From Kansas to Colorado,
Hit me up for drinks and manila tar,
Trying sadly to feel what I do,
Man it’s hard;
That’s why I feel so scarred.

I came out west to find my soul
And saw emptiness instead.
Don’t ask me where I’m heading next,
Cause I don’t know.
I’m friggin hexed.
All I know is drive & drink & sleep;
Man, you know
That’s why I am so beat.

August 3, 2018

Exchanging or replacing an old automobile
can be an intensely emotional experience for anyone
I still have the license plate screws from the first car my mom sold
although I didn’t care at all when my dad sold his car first
I remember crying at the dealership when they took my mom’s Toyota
I don’t even remember my dad telling us he got a new Ford
backseat on the left, behind the driver, was my designated spot, still is

I kept them in an empty Hubba Bubba OUCH! Gum tin, the screws
sometimes I’d open it up just to hold them
and wonder why I’d cared so much about that car

So long, my heart, so long
If lies could heal
Spoken English would ****
Telling the truth
Never lasts for too long
Maybe someday you’ll try
And learn how to cry
Like you really mean it
Feel how I need it
It only lasts for so long

So long, my love, so long
If hands could heal
Calluses would ****
Emoting for you never lasts for too long
A hug
A kiss
Feelings I miss
Is it asking too much
Just to feel a real touch?
It only lasts for so long

So long, my trust, so long
Though you’re almost gone
Your shadow won’t linger
Next to me anymore
It’s been faded for so long
Return beyond
Throw in the towel
Never come back
For this day, I’ve been prepared
For so long
You’ve been gone so long

Love is always praised into the heavens
But never is a tale spoken in which hatred truly prevails,
For those creatures who have nothing but it left seem so lost,
Is this the price they are taking, or must this be a farewell ?
Alike love, hate can give strengh but also great misery,
For those who have lost the access to light it is but an embrace,
Because for them the heart was made to be broken,
Eventually though, through all odds they find their way, despising what they formerly had done, had felt and had acted.
This side of the story remains lonesome,
The light of love is for all to bear in the end,
But the embrace of hatred is undesired as if it was cursed,
Just because the darkness made an attempt to protect their minds,
An outcast who was left behind, who was undefended,
Bidden farewell the shadows of night give in to the sunrays
Another night ends in defeat.

~ Umi