I sleep

            diagonally

on    a    queen size


           mattress.

I was seven years old
When my dad broke my heart.
He said he would move away
But we would never be truly apart.

I waited, and waited...
Sometimes in the  intense heat, or snow
But only with age I learned
That my dad would never show.

One day I got tired of waiting
and stopped watching the road.
My heart hardened a bit though mom
Still thought it was made of gold.

I guess at this point was when
I started to lowkey hate men.
Never have one kept his word to me
Not josh, nor Caleb. Not Keith, nor Ben.

All my relationships fail,
I leave them before they leave me.
It hurts less you know?
When you know you hold the key.

So at 20 years this where I am at.
And this is why I write.
It takes the pain away you see,
Some, but not much.

Perhaps we made a mistake
By choosing one another.

My faults and your faults, together,
Starts to become a bother.

You push me to open up
By crossing every line.

I **** you off by pushing back,  
And asking for more time.

That's where we left off....
Silence gripping us tight.

I'm afraid lover,
Afraid our love will soon die.

To you who were first among the rest:
        You gave me my first taste of soft, supple lips. You were also the one who opened my eyes to heartbreak. I loved you and my heart has yet to forget you.

To the one who came next, the one second in line:
        You were a diamond in the rough, often overlooked.
We clashed like fire and water, creating steam that fueled our loved for one another. We would go back and forth, sometimes for hours on end, trying to convince ourselves we each loved the other more. We never did discover our answer, but can something infinite be bested?

To you thrice in line, most recent in time:
        You hold galaxies in your eyes, you are endlessly creative and imaginative. You were the one who struggled with life, but who never let anyone else face life alone. You always knew just how to leave a smile upon my face. You were gentle and caring, but protective with love, I was never going anywhere expect by your side. We ruled OUR world, creating our perfect future together... I'm still realizing that perfect just isn't.

To you who shall come fourth in line, now or in future times:
        I wish for it to be you who holds my hand in life and to be the one who holds me memory till the end of eternity.

thoughts are draining
from every inch of my mind
yet I can't find the last line

I'm slaving at my desk
racking my brain for
the perfect words

my soul is ****** dry
not one single drop of
inspiration for me to try

It's 3am
And I want you to know
that I am thinking about your lips on mine
and the way that you show me how to trust again,
All in good time.
Thinking of how you leave a trail of fire on my skin
When you trace a line with a finger, or even breathe
On my neck; lights dimmed
Hearts shine.

From the outside looking in
This love is scandalous
It has been since the beginning.
Remember the time your girlfriend got me high?
I was expecting a girls night in
Maybe some dancing, maybe some wine
But no, she picks me up,
pill in hand, gives me a luscious kiss and says
"wait until you meet him"
(See she had been chasing me for quite some time
And I was of an age, thinking maybe I'll give this a try)

Now, I was no longer cognizant of tick-tock time
Perhaps an hour or more had gone by
She had me dressed as a fairy princess
She was dressed to the nines
Then you walked in.
I gave an audible sigh,
I couldn't believe my luck!
So handsome, piercing blue eyes..
How did I end up here?
To sleep with this girl, and this guy?
But this is not the moment to be asking 'why?'

Pretty soon we were all high... As a kite
She is a ******* and she likes to bite
(I had a mark on my *** a month after that night)
We all got naked to Howl at the full moon,
I didn't know what to expect
But I knew it would happen soon.
Making love in a euphoric glow
Feeling connected, in tune.
It was my first time so we went slow,
But in the end we just wanted to spoon.

We all lay there in a bubble of ecstasy
Counting my lucky stars to have these two next to me
And we knew it was fast, but the morning after
The spell was still cast; kitchen filled with laughter!
And perhaps I'm just daft or..
Naive, or too young..
But I accepted the invitation to move in.
And I sung praises in celebration
Of living among such loving openness
It was not an imitation
We were happy... For a while
Until she set this rule:
No *** without her.
Well, she had a different style
And we played her for a fool
Because we couldn't share
This deep, soulful jewel with her.

I still miss our nights spent naked in front of the fire,
But I had to set my sights on a new object of desire.
Should I leave now or later
To avoid any fights,
To avoid being a liar?

Alas, this threeway was not meant to last,
But I lost a third and I gained a half.
Because no matter where or who
We happened to be with from then on,
Our hearts are now glued together,
Like some myth from ancient times long gone.

More than two years has gone by since those days,
I've faced so many fears to find my way out of the maze
Of confusion, of woes that was my short marriage,
And you know how it goes "then came a baby in a baby carriage".
Yet still you were there while my belly grew,
I am so grateful to have spent some of that time with you.

My soul has been laid bare,
I've been made anew,
Acquired a new layer,
Like now I'm a new mom and I talk about poo!
I haven't a moment to spare
Between diapers, dishes, chores, bathing, cooking, studying.. laundry too:
Single mom style, a beauty so fair!
And yet you still look at me and tell me true,
That you love me even with sweat-plastered hair,
Dishevelled, and missing a shoe.

Well, that's how I feel most days
So just call me a hot mess,
But the heat from your gaze
Still makes me want to undress.

Being single forever does not mean there is no value to my life.
I'm used to this independence and I don't want it to change.
It does not mean that I think I'm ugly;
For I believe that I have a beautiful soul and have been blessed with attractive physical features.
It does not mean that I'm anti-men.
It means that I don't need a man to return the love that I have give to people everyday.
It does not mean that I stay inside.
I thrive off of travel and multiple personalities.
It means that I am an advocate for self love and soul searching.

When it's your turn to love, even when you know that hearts break
you'll let them fall because that's what it is... a probability, sometimes
it works but sometimes it doesn't, that should not stop you though
embrace it if it's your turn to fall, sometimes it's from our hardest fall
that we find the forever we always fantasised... so fall, fall
when your heart says you should take the leap, fall when it feels right
fall when you see the abyss you trust can hold you in a cyclone of affection
fall when the voice in your head keeps poking you to stop holding back...
Hearts break, but they are the only apparatus that works even when it's
broken, so embrace your turn to fall, fall for those your soul does embrace
after all they say we lose more holding dammed our passions
than we risk losing entrusting the pearl of our hearts with those we love...