I am a terrible person for what I know I have to do
But I am only human and deserve to be happy too
I am used to depression
It's been a long time friend
But as long as we are together it surely won't end
Not because you abuse my body or my feelings
But because you aren't helping the **** with which I'm dealing
You may be sweet but you make me feel sour
Quiet because it is easier to cower
Than to pick a fight that is impossible to win
Aggravation works it's way further under my skin
You are supposed to have my back
Clearly you do not
You throw me under the bus without a second thought
I wish I would have waited before rushing in headfirst
It seems with bad judgement I am hopelessly cursed
An impatient creature
Now both are paying the price
Because I am too foolish to stop and think twice
I know you will be angry
You have every right to be
But I have faith that in the future you will see
That this decision really is for the best
It only gets harder the more time we invest
I know deep cuts now are engraved on your soul
It wasn't my intention to carve out a hole
But attraction has slowly shifted to dismay
"I love you" is a phrase that toward you I'll never say
The way I looked at you changed after our first fight
And has only grown worse since that night
I held on hoping situation would improve
And one day of your actions I'd actually approve
But our relationship dies a little bit more
Each time you do something that I deplore
My eyes are finally open to who you really are
Too bad to see it took getting this far
This whole time I've held on wishfully thinking
It will get better but problems aren't shrinking
I'm ready for this to be over
Yearn to be free
Keeping your emotions safe is mentally draining me
A grave is already dug now it is time to lay to rest
The remains of our romance
Suffered cardiac arrest
You can yell if you want to or call me names
Whatever it takes to break these heavy chains
I have bottled up the truth for far too long
Pretending it might work despite it feeling wrong
I ignored my instinct in fear of loneliness
But these gnawing doubts have gotten too large to repress
Obnoxious ocurrences are a routine indication
Of our incompatibility
Leading to irritation
It seems we are both holding the other down
Not only do you not make me smile
You widen my frown
I am fully aware I frustrate you as well
Without saying one word by your expression I can tell
I don't want to be the source of your despair
But the weight of commitment has become too much to bear
I have wanted to cry out loud but kept my mouth closed
But these silenced concerns beg to be exposed
I think the moment is past overdue for you to hear
The honest thoughts crowding my skull no matter how severe
I apologize for hurting you
Hope you believe it wasn't my plan
I would stick it out awhile longer but am not sure that I can

Disorder
The word still echoes in my head
Surreal and complicated
Such a heavy word
Even though it's been almost a year
Since things were so bad
And I heard the words:
Anxiety Disorder
Eating Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Followed by the words:
Depression
Phobia
Medication
Each one like a lightning strike
I can feel them in my veins
But the most frightening
Was hearing the prefix:
Severe

Age 15 the beginning and the end
Age 19 and the scars still haven't mend

I was a fool with nothing to lose
Letting lust become my muse

It happened fast without protection
In his eyes lay no affection.

A month passes with no monthly time
The panic inside me starts to climb.

Lie to my mother to get a test
Sure enough there's a baby in the nest.

Inside my stomach lay a beating heart
Anxiety and depression begin to start.

Scared beyond belief and still at school
Feeling like I had just been a tool.

Could I handle being a single mother
Abortion? I had to pick one or the other.

Or maybe I didn't have to after all.
Spotting begins to start and I start to bawl.

To many emotions in too young a girl.
My body killed a life, guilt begins to swirl.

Age 15 the beginning and the end
Age 15 and made a life ascend.

Age 19 and the scars still haven't mend
Age 19 and still no way to amend.

Endless Apologies
only bears
Agonizing Pain

I believe that every conscious being travels this road
Where nothing is completely given or reached
Where everything completely stop but never goes
This road diverged into either the left path or right
plagued with the  decision of making a choice
The pressure of that inner voice
Speaking to you
of the consequences of each action
the good never out weigh  the bad
The consequences never worth the results
The action of always sacrificing something in terms of ganging
It is the  road that you cannot venture away
No matter where you turn
you always end up returning
this road is one who tampers with your mental capacity
Your morality
Your happiness
Your individuality
It happened too those before
and will to those after me
what a progressional tragedy

I don't know where
it stops


or


starts


starts. starts. starts.
Again.
And Again.

Writing TO DO list.
-Laundry
-Dishes
-Bills
-**** Myself



And the pen

.

The hand hovers and the mind ___


-Bills
-Kgul Mytyfw
-BILLS
-Sweep
-Mop