i am sick and tired of people
trying to get to know me,
trying to figure me out,
trying to show me i'm better than i believe,
that i'm nicer than i make out to be

i'm not

you can't romanticize me
into being some kind of anti-hero,
into being some kind of lost soul who
just needs saving
or a hug

no, no hugs
please no hugging
i'll break your arms
physical contact? i can only accept that from a
limited few, on rare occasions.
it sickens me.

some people are imperfect and flawed,
irrecoverable,
and they own it.

sometimes you just have to accept
that some people are pieces of ****
and they like it that way.

i like keeping you all at arm's length,
at the very least

who'd ever want to let down their defenses
in front of
strangers

with grenades disguised as encouraging words
and guns disguised as empathy,
or sympathy...

i won't let your petty, loving instincts penetrate my armour

*******

just let me be my own villain,
and you can learn to hate me

as much as i do and don't hate myself

How strange it is
that pieces of things are what we love the most:
wood whittled down to furniture or
metal melted down to jewelry
We compartmentalize life into parts- palpable intangibles
Why is it then that we are constantly seeking out completeness:
happy endings or even just an ending when
passing moments mean more than
we give them credit for

A short exchange can redirect the course of a day and yet
we wait for tomorrow as if there is any control over it
Only after we make peace with our pieces, can we feel whole
A dozen roses is a notion of love instead of
an entire bush
That is to say we pick flowers to
hand over a piece of ourselves
As long as we are giving,
parts of us can be found
around the world

I have given so much to
people that give nothing in return
only take and so
I know I will never be whole
again
Unless, I learn to keep my arms open
instead of handing out my pieces to
unrequited lovers and confidants

My brokenness has allowed me to take new form and
lost pieces leave holes to be filled
with glitter glue and laughter
Each break means I will just
be that much more unique
Not cracked or flawed
Rather parts of me and everyone I meet,
memories and gifts
make me whole

lackluster, with a sad smile
i wade into the deep ocean of self hatred
with my head anchored to my spine
in only the most casual of ways
lips curved into a hint of what could've been
a smile

as the water reaches my throat
i swear i could hear the click of her patent stilletos
against the sides of my ribs
as i try and recall
the way your calloused hands
brushed against my shoulder
released all of the world's winds
into the small of my back

i can't help but laugh
at the way mirrors seem to destroy me from the inside out
my brown eyes seem to condescend
at what i fail become
as i watch you fall in love
with all that she is
and all that i can never be

i drown.

i watch her lips move as she speaks
the symmetry of her face
stained glass eyes with cheeks of rose
a complexion as flawless as a fresh spring day
my heart is broken with every word she speaks.
for i feel my imperfections resounding more clearly in her beautiful frame
than i ever could in a mirror.
legs longer than any lie of self-love that i could ever spin
her waist narrow, molded into galaxies that boys will dream of grasping.


if she is spring, than i am the middle of february.
my skin is clear the way that the sky is green
my figure an ominous cloud of a long winter
lackluster, abrasive
daring those who look upon it to find themselves immediately disinterested

for i hold no fear for the oblivion of darkness
would march into the depths of the sea without glancing back
pretty girls are my sole fear
for i know that by the end of the day
you will look to her and, much like myself, not find a single flaw in her effortless effervescence,
and i will go by without so much as a passing glance.

I used to look at you
And I wanted to be you
I wanted your beauty
Your personality
Everything about you that made people want you
I knew that would never happen
So I settled
Settled for being your friend
For standing in the background
And let you shine
Because you were better
Your light was brighter
And I could only wish to be like you
Then I started to grow
Grow and blossom
So you tried to tear me down
Make me feel worthless
Was it because my light was growing brighter
As yours dimmed
You were becoming toxic
And I was just growing
So you tried to take things away from me
Steal what I had for yourself
And I still question why
But I won't stop you
I can rebuild a life
A life without your toxicity
A life where I won't cry
Or be unhappy
Free to shine without being dimmed
Free to feel better about myself

Please,
Please,
For the love of God and my self esteem,
Do not
Under any circumstances
Compare me to another girl.

You see when you do this
My heart sinks.
My chest gets tight.
My through clenched.
My eyes sting.
My gut feels like it was struck by a first.
And my self confidence
Is nonexistent.

It doesn't matter who you are
Who she is
Or what my relationship to either of you is.
Just don't do it.
Being told that someone is better than me in any way
And that I am not good enough to be equals with them
Leaves me broken
And more depressed
Then you'd expect.

She
May be a better singer;
She
May be prettier;
She
May have enough to be perfect to someone.

Me?
I feel worthless
24/7.
And knowing that someone
Thinks less of me when compared to someone else,
Imagine
How you would feel
Knowing
That you are not ever going to see yourself excel in that area
Ever
Again.

So please,
Please,
For the love of God and my self esteem,
Do NOT
Under ANY circumstances
Compare me to another girl.

Thank you,
Insecure and pitiful

some things were dreams until we met
and were stars far away in outta space
I was a heart drowning in self hate
one that only went by life's own pace
some things were stones before you informed me they were precious
I was a labyrinth, too complex a puzzle for I to decipher
I wasn't anything beyond Hosiana Ignatius
stuck at the red sea of my existence till you became my divider
I was a million shades of total confusion and despair
some things were fantasy like finding a healer
for I was mirrors crushed into grainy pieces,shattered beyond repair
yet you stole my trance with alcoholic efficiency like tequila
*some things were not for me, I was a rose flower growing in the wild
till you held my soul with tenderness,more of a mother holding her child

All of us are entitled to dying
But not all of us smell that sweet
scent of living.
so let's try to live while we can instead of
worrying about death after all we must die
All of us must fall hard and wreck but few of us shall rise
so let's rise while we can,before gravity makes the call
All of us must grieve but not all shall smile
so let's stretch that laugh while we have it to a mile
All of us must hurt ,a small number will pleasure
so while we are at it let it be a wide measure
All of us must labour yet not all will leisure
So always find sometime,treat yourself as a treasure
All of us are entitled to vile but few can truly love
few give their heart that which they deserve
All of us are destined to hurt but few of those will heal
be among the few who after they scar won't suffer still
All are young but not all see old,not all mature
so live while you're young, tomorrow isn't sure
all must journey yet not all in the walk will reach
make adventure of your travel, it's the peach
all must work their *** off but few will grow rich
appreciate your worth, ambition will throw you in a ditch
all will compete for the prize but one will win
appreciate you tried, win or lose the globe will spin
all must hear but not all will listen
ride with the few cause the hearing are missing
All must sin believe me but few feel remorse
you too can find a place in your heart to repent of course
All of us must sow but a few of us will reap
we must keep sowing,we should keep herding our sheep
all of us are talented,sadly few will find mention
keep trying,go for goal, you might as well attract attention
all of us are entitled to dying but I've seen some live
you too can do it,you just have to believe