I used to look at you
And I wanted to be you
I wanted your beauty
Everything about you that made people want you
I knew that would never happen
So I settled
Settled for being your friend
For standing in the background
And let you shine
Because you were better
Your light was brighter
And I could only wish to be like you
Then I started to grow
Grow and blossom
So you tried to tear me down
Make me feel worthless
Was it because my light was growing brighter
As yours dimmed
You were becoming toxic
And I was just growing
So you tried to take things away from me
Steal what I had for yourself
And I still question why
But I won't stop you
I can rebuild a life
A life without your toxicity
A life where I won't cry
Or be unhappy
Free to shine without being dimmed
Free to feel better about myself
They say sticks and stones may break my bones
But they never told me how words would destroy me
Or how I could destroy with my words
My tongue is my weapon
Like a whip it lashes through even the thickest of armor
Every word uttered would bring grown men to their knees
Every sentence could shatter porcelain
All caused by my two biggest weapons
My mind and my tongue
I have to fit in
Look the part
And play it flawlessly
I don’t remember the last time I ate a whole meal
I’m not even sure I know what a whole meal is anymore
We’re all a part of this play
Our characters decided for us
In hopes I can change where I belong
I paint my face day after day
Day after day I try not to envy others
Envy the love, and success of my peers
I hide, feeling disgust for myself
I go unnoticed like a broken doll
People only look to judge
No one tries to glue my pieces back together
You have to fit in
But I’m just a minor character
No one notices me
I don’t want to disappear
So I change myself more and more
More and more pieces shatter
Toppling to the ground like the meaningless things they are
Please notice me
See me for who I am
I’m so sick of pretending I’m okay
Pretending to fit in
Fit in they told me
Thats the only way to become important
The only way for them to care about me
They didn’t tell me what I had to sacrifice
Sacrifice my beliefs, my personality
Sacrifice everything that made me, me.
Please stand out
Not for me
But for you
For your quirky laugh
For your way of thinking
For everything that makes you your own person
Don’t spend your life wishing you were someone else
I can’t tell you how many times I cried
Cried myself to sleep
Wishing I was brave enough to end it all
And finally wishing became reality
Like a cloud of smoke
I disappeared as a clone of someone else
You are strong
Strong enough to weather the most violent of storms
Strong enough to stand
Stand when you feel like falling
You have fought battles
And you have won
You are a soldier
You are Smart
Smart enough to have an opinion
Smart enough to speak your mind
Even though others will call you stupid
Even though they will laugh
They will criticize
You will not hide
You are a scholar
You are beautiful
Beautiful enough to start wars
Beautiful enough to be loved
You are art
Everything about you should be envied
And though people will look upon you
Look upon you to sneer
To pollute the air around you with ****** words
You will walk with your head high
You are a Goddess among men
Gray such a sad color
The type of sadness I feel
Not terrible and dark
Gray like a thunder storm
My mind filled with nothing but rain clouds
It's such an empty feeling
Almost like nothing really matters
The words they speak to me never get through the clouds
They’re too big, too heavy to fade away
Sometimes I wonder
I wonder if this is what dying on the inside is
But I fear the answer too much to ask
To ask for help
Help from people who don’t see gray
Gray the color that haunts me
The was a ghost haunts a house
Thunder and lightning accompany the clouds now
Now I face an even bigger monster
A monster with no face that leers over me
I find my body is weighed down
Weighed down by the clouds that are spreading
My feet drag as if rooted permanently to the ground
And I have stopped believing
Believing in getting better
Because only I can see the gray in this world
Gray the color that keeps getting darker
My skin has begun to mimic the shade
It's the only shade I see
There is no color in my world
Only the dull, lifeless gray
My mind screams for help
Help, I think, is no longer possible
The thunder and lightning consumes my mind
Sometimes I wonder
Wonder what it would be like to live in a world without gray.
Shunned that's how I feel
When I try to be myself
When I try to speak up
You tear me down
Tell me to be quiet
Not to speak
And pollute the ears of those around us
But if you'd listen you'd know
Know that my thoughts are worth so much
That my mind is a garden
When I speak I'm trying to plant a seed
To help others grow
To help you grow
How long has it been since you had a garden
Is your mind barren
Like a dessert with no water
And you've grown so used to it
You've become ignorant
Because you forgot what it felt like to think for yourself
So you shun any hope of restarting your garden
And I will leave if that's what you want
I will not surrender my garden
Not for you
Not for your narrow mind
And though you shun me
My garden will thrive
Flowers will bloom
Because not all will shun me
Some will listen to what I have to say
And they will talk back
And our gardens will grow
The fruit of knowledge growing with every word spoken
And you will be alone
In your ignorant ways
On the day I died there was no bright light.
There was no voice to pull me to heaven.
There was only aching.
And a hole where my heart had been.
On the day I died there was a boy.
A boy I loved.
A boy that could never love me back.
Because he only saw her.
The girl who consumed his soul.
The girl who had been placed in the ground years ago.
Yet she stood in my place when he looked at me.
She was the one he truly saw.
I didn’t care though.
I wanted him to be happy.
I wanted to be a part of his happiness.
Even though he was killing me.
Even though I sank lower and lower with each kiss.
With each whisper.
Until I was drowning in a mixture of tears and blood.
On the day I died I said goodbye.
I said goodbye and fled.
I ran from the cause of my pain.
I watched as the light left from his eyes.
As he searched for something to say.
As our tears drowned each other.
And I heard the voice I loved so dearly.
Yell a name that wasn’t mine as I left.
Yell and beg her not to leave him again.
Not me but her.
On the day I died my world turned gray.
Gray and rainy.
And I watched the storm clouds get thicker
And the rain hit the pavement outside my door harder.
I watched as lightning struck.
Thunder became the only sound.
Thunder that yelled a name over and over.
Not mine or his but hers.
On the day I died I felt myself sink lower.
Until I was in my grave completely.
Until I was just a hollow shell.
A shell that was cursed to go on.
Cursed to be the one living with a hole in my chest.
A hole that left me opened and exposed to the world.
Leaving me more vulnerable than I thought imaginable.
On the day I died my body got colder.
My lips were ice.
Covered in a thin layer of frost.
Frost that held me safely.
That allowed me to protect myself.
Protect the stony heart that had hardened with time.
Frost was the beginning.
Until I was completely made of ice.
Ice so cold and fragile it frightened others.
Frightened them from talking or touching.
Chasing them away with the cold expressions.
The only expressions I knew now.
Only those expressions of pain and suffering.
The ever present frown on a frostbitten face.
Once rosy cheeks a sickening blue shade.
On the day I died I felt nothing but guilt.
An overwhelming sensation.
The feeling of leaving someone more broken.
Someone who had no one.
The need to run back and beg for forgiveness.
The ache of potentially killing someone.
Taking a life with your own.
On the day I lived I felt peace.
Peace and love that surrounded me wholly.
With someone who saw me.
Someone who whispered my name and not hers.
Someone whose soul was as beautiful as the body it dwelled in.
Someone who chased away the storms.
Made me warm again.
Melted the ice that encased me.
His lips acted as the sun.
Freeing me from the cold loneliness.
There was no more guilt.
No more hole where my heart sat.
I had a new heart.
A heart shared with someone who loved me.
Someone who made me happy.
Like I wanted him to be happy.
On the day I lived I felt something.
Something that was real.
Something that brought joy instead of hurt.
On the day I lived I found a reason to stay that way.
— The End —