I’m angry at the world
For not playing fair
And then mocking me
When I do

I hate all the apathy
That stands and observes
And makes no attempt
To enforce the rules

I’m angry at all
That I have to give up
To wait for my turn
And take only my share

I hate that the meaning
Of good has been altered
To apply to group ethics
That are coated in shame

I’m angry to see
How the cheaters will win
And honesty comes
A poor second

I hate all the smugness
(Check Paul Ryan’s face)
And those who are like him
Cheating their way to their goal

I’m angry to be cursed
With the gene of fair play
Permanent - same as
The brown of my eyes

I hate that I have to
Spend so much time hating
Hate is an acid
Dissolving my soul
                    ljm

I thought I could take it
and so I endured.
I thought I could make it
and so I went on.
Dismissing each thought
each farewell suggestion.
Little did I know
I was not that strong.

I've been good and I've been behaved.
I haven't had an idea like that for even more than days.
But somehow recently, I have been thinking,
planning once more,
my life which is fleeting.

I don't know why it's hard to tell others,
hard to tell those who you love and vice versa,
They tried asking when they seem to catch me,
but it doesn't seem that they take me seriously.
I'm just that extrovert who's had a bad day.
Doubtful it seems for me to wish myself away.
Some people have it worse and say I can't complain,
but this time it's different,
cause maybe you can handle it but this is my pain.

Stop calling me dumb,
Stop calling me intimidating,
Stop calling me walang hiya
please, stop calling me big,
It's not exactly a compliment,
so please stop saying it.
I thought you understood me
though maybe I'm at fault here,
for I could never show my feelings
as clear as my streaming tears.

I'm so sick of being told what I can and can't do.
"You can't do this, try this instead."
They aren't asking me; they're telling me.
I don't want to do that, I want to do what I said I wanted to do before.
Then I'm told that I am an ungrateful *****, a spoilt brat, a miserable cow,
When in reality I'm not.
I'm not an"ungrateful *****".
I'm not a "spoilt brat".
I'm not a "miserable cow".
I'm a strong, independent woman who knows what she wants, and is constantly told "no".

I love how the buildings bathe in the morning sun,
The gold and glimmer of hope,
The shimmer and ray of what could,
And in the mirrored reflection,
Caught on windows and thresholds,
I saw myself smiling,
Like the bright-eyed child,
Full of promise and trust,
Not quite naïve but innocent,
Curious like a kitten,
Looking for a distraction,
In the forms of many kinds of fun,
Even if to others it was a bore of a chore,
For I was that girl who loved routine,
Knowing everything and that sense of the familiar,
Where nothing could surprise me,
And I would not be easily offended,
Taken aback was something I only started doing,
At the age of twenty-one,
Or was it really when I was so done,
With the fact that leaving high school,
Meant leaving the physical place in which I learned,
For the jocks and snobs and nerds and pretty girls,
They grew up too like me going on into reality,
Of the concrete jungle in the big city,
The capital of money and sobriety,
Where it's glitz and glam in grids on the Gram,
But the twittering said otherwise,
Oh how were we so blinded by the rise,
Of growing pains and pangs,
Falling in and out of love with ourselves,
As much as we crush upon potential lovers,
None of whom were suitors,
Just mere flings to keep us company,
While we ourselves figured out an escape,
For there's nothing more that we despise,
Than that of the lies, we keep telling ourselves,
That this life is the best,
That I'm happy where I'm at,
In this career or otherwise,
But still, we cry ourselves to sleep at night,
Sometimes sobbing during the day,
In bathroom stalls like ghouls,
Thinking what could've possibly gone wrong,
What'd I do to deserve such a test,
And how could I a top scoring geek fail miserably at best,
Yet we see it again this endless cycle,
As the sun paints a masterpiece in the sky,
Melting away all the tension of the day,
As it slowly dims then darken your way,
Telling you to go back to sleep,
To keep the dream alive,
For I do love how the sun paints the town gold,
Early in the morning,
When all is quiet and lonely,
A kind of peace that feels like it's not all bad,
This life could really be a sanctuary, maybe.

@byizn

You can rant,
rant and rant
rant and rant
all you want.

but it is never
intended to be
something fun.

Rant, my son.
Rant.

Have you ever felt tired?
Of yourself,
If not others,
Of how you've changed,
If not this world,
And you can't quite put your finger on it,
But the only feeling is restlessness,
Weary of everything;

Have you ever felt lost?
Not because you're unfamiliar,
Or the place unknown,
Or the faces seem to be devoid of humanity,
For everyone struggles differently,
And you wear a mask to blend in,
So that you don't stand out,
In the crowd of lonely hearts,
Especially when you're all alone;

Have you ever felt broken?
Like these bones crack and break,
Under the weight of your own hurt,
When you keep on blaming yourself,
For even the smallest of flaws,
When you keep on picking at the scars,
Of all the past mistakes and faults,
As though you can't help it,
But to wrong yourself;

Have you ever felt love?
The kind that heals,
Not with a touch but a kiss of promise,
As he held you close and tender,
Telling you how worthy,
How beautiful you are really,
And you fear the reflection in the mirror,
Only to have him trace your well-intended heart,
That your pulse quickens,
With the urgency to be revived again,
As a new person,
Someone you once knew;

I have felt all of the above,
Tired,
Lost,
Broken,
But most of all I've felt his love,
And I have been racking my brain,
Trying to understand,
What I could've possibly done,
To deserve it all,
Especially he who is so kind.

@byizn

Daddy,
I know when I was born it was stressful; you already had two boys that needed your attention. But I needed you too and I know you gave me as much time as you could. You were busy I get it; that’s why you were never home. I’m not sure where you were or what you were doing especially late at night; but as long as it was more important than your children then it was okay right? Don’t worry you weren’t the only one to blame, Mommy wasn’t around much either. She was always working to make up for what you couldn’t supply us with. During the day at Home Depot and at night McDonalds, I know it wasn’t her dream job but you both started a family before either of you were ready. Mommy was the backbone of the family; she picked up the slack for all the things you seemed to lack. Because of both of your absences, this forced us to stay with our aunts the majority of the time; not that I ever minded, I love them so much and we always had a great time. But Daddy what you don’t realize to this day is what a girl without a father can turn into. Once you and Mommy split and the divorce was final I hoped day and night you would want a custody battle. Not because I thought you would be a better fit for us to live with but because it would have shown your kids you care, especially your little princess. Instead Mom got us during the week and you on the weekends but that soon ended when you met your new mistress. I was seven years old, and impressionable child and you walked right out of my life. Some parents pass away causing a child to become orphaned; but not you, you were in perfect health and perfect stature and you made the decision to leave. Do you even know how much I was hurting? Daddy you changed me and I don’t know if it was for the better. My father figure was PJ, my older brother, my entire world; if it wasn’t for him I don’t know who of where I would be today. But he eventually left me to however not for the same reasons as you. He went into the Air Force and did some good for his country; but that hurt to because after he left I felt truly alone, I had no one to tell all my secrets too. Nobody that I knew I could trust with my life. Daddy you’re the reason for all of my insecurities. You’re the reason I don’t see beauty or worth in myself; I look into the mirror and see a stranger staring back. I look into my eyes and I see you and that scares me so much. I don’t want to be you; but it’s inevitable. I don’t know the person I’ve become. I am afraid of myself and how is someone suppose to live like that? You’re the reason I can’t get close to anyone without the fear that one day without the least bit of warning they will just get up and walk away, I mean that’s how it works right? You are the reason I’m so quiet around people. You are the reason I’m fake. You’re the reason I have regrets in my life. I’ve done some things I’m not proud of and I lie to the ones I’m suppose to love. I want to believe that you leaving was a good thing, like Mommy always said you were a dead beat father anyway. But I can’t say that. You were absent for 8 straight years of my life. Not a single phone call or a simple text asking how my day was or even an I love you. And worst of all I didn’t even know where I could find you. When you finally came back into my life it was 8 years to late and all the money and gifts couldn’t buy back my love. Daddy, I use to say I love you every night and pray that one day you would see that light that Daddy I could be a good girl. I use to ask myself what I did wrong; why wasn’t I good enough? To this day I ask myself how can I be good enough for anyone or loved by anyone if my own father couldn’t even stand me? I know you tried hard to make up for the lost years but you are a stranger to me now. I don’t know who you are anymore and I don’t know what to believe. And Daddy you know what hurt the most, making Father’s Day presents in school. I never said anything but I always wondered who to give them to because I didn’t have a Daddy. But can I tell you a secret? Mommy’s not all that I thought she was either. Nights I thought she was working late and mornings when I thought she left early were all a lie. I found out now that she never came home the night before. She was out with other men as much as you were with other women. And Daddy after the divorce, Mommy would send us to our aunts again so that she could try to find a man to take your place. You both aren’t really all that different and i know you don’t want to admit it but you both care more about a ****** partner than your own ****** children.

i'm pretty **** sure that i'm in love with you
and that's scary as hell,
i'm scared i'm going to lose you,
even though you say things to me,
you make it seem like you won't leave me,
but they always freaking leave me.
okay so we've only been together officially for a week
i've liked you for longer
and you've liked me longer
and this is so ******* scary
because last time i felt like this-
no last time i thought i felt like this it was
a disaster. but then, everything with you
is so refreshing and wonderful and perfect.
different. maybe my friend is right and it's just
because i've had bad taste in guys and you're
just legitimately good.
but there is nothing that's "just" anything about you.
everything about you is so so so so so (!!!)
so i'll keep this love in my chest for now, i guess.
*(but one day i'll say it and it'll be wonderful.
one day i'll say it
one day i'll say - )

I am tired of being told what I should and what I shan't.
And I know this platform isn't for ranting and yet here I'll rant.
I am sick of being empty, aimless, vague and out of place.
I am sick of wasting all your air, of taking all your space.
And my claws, I use to tear my skin, so that I could be set free,
And my screams I let out muffled and hushed to spare you my agony.
And my body feels imprisoning, my breath is getting faint
And my eyes are melting, face is welting, dying from the paint
And the bathroom doors complaining from the numb and from the tear
And my psyche getting tired of all the sorrow and the fear.
And the voice inside my head, always saying I'm not enough
And the lies I tell myself like "you can make it, you are tough."
And the people I looked up, lived with, shared with my days
And the lies they taugh me, unconditional love, they said, stays.
And the God whom I once worshiped and for whom I often cried
And the deaf, the blind, the disabled, to whom he's closely tied.
And the fact that I am beyond your repair, beyond all that can be done
And the way I feel at the start of each day and with every falling sun.
And the creature biting on my heart at every given chance
And the demons sitting in my head, not letting me advance.
And the love I always had, different faces every while
And the feelings that I gave away and never even got a smile.
This is not a ranting place, and yet here I wrote.
Is this a good place though to write one's suicide note?