Warm summer nights
Intended to be surrounded
By fireflies and kisses
Replaced by “hell smiles”.

Those smiles I would give
When the world was bad
But making you mad
Would make it worse.

Living through hell
With a smile on my face
For years on end
Getting comfortable there.

I unpacked my thoughts
With the occasional housewarming gift
Quickly followed by the
Beer trickled fingertips.

If those sticky fingertips
Saw anything but my fake joy
I’d be reminded I was in hell,
So, I smile.

Liquor bottles tipped over
Spit in my face from the sharp
Sound of the start of the word
“*****”.

That’s what I am.
A ***** who smiles through hell.
A ***** who catches your fall,
And keeps you from jail.

Hell smiles.
The one thing that keeps me sane
Through the nights of your terror
Is smiling in my living room of your brain.

Here, bruises are like weeds;
Insignificant, a nuisance.
Up my arms, down my legs,
Another night I smiled in hell.

But I moved out of that living room.
I forgot how to smile in hell.
And you didn’t like that,
So you found someone who could.

Now I’m alone in hell
Forgetting how to leave
And grasping for more
Than hell smiles.

What's eleven minutes to me?
Not a thing.
I have plenty of minutes.
Eleven minutes I shall spend.

What's eleven minutes to me?
It's worth something.
But I can't help myself.
Eleven minutes I shall spend again.

What's eleven minutes to me?
A waste.
At this stage, countless minutes I'll never get back.
Eleven minutes I wish I still had.

What's eleven minutes to me?
I'm afraid I can't answer that.
It's not that I don't want to.
I physically can't.

Because I am no longer physical.

I find the irony of human biology is that we are taught the ribcage protects our heart from physical harm, and the irony of human psychology is trying to understand what plays a role in emotional harm — yet seldom how to protect ourselves from it.

Your body
(h)as bec(o)me
a temp(l)e
onl(y)
fit
for
believers

You told me you loved me,
You lied to my face.
You stole my heart,
And put it in a case.

You locked it away,
So far away.
You own it, you stole it,
It can't run away.

You told me you loved me,,
You lied to my face.
You closed my mouth,
Just incase.

You told me not to tell anyone,
You made me promise.
You made me quiet,
I still broke that promise.

You told me you loved me,
You lied to my face.
You stole my mind,
and entrapped it away.

You bruised me,
You hurt me.
This isn't the way.
Why did you have to
Do it anyway?

You told me you loved me,
You lied to them.
You put on a smile,
And a façade.
They believed you,
And threw my words away.

You told me you loved me,
You still lied to the rest.
I knew you were lying,
This wasn't what was best.

You lied, you pried,
You said you wouldn't do it again.
I cried, and cried,
You still inflicted the pain.

You told me you loved me,
You lied to yourself.
You said you were sorry,
But that couldn't help.

Stop, oh stop,
You did it, nonstop.
You hit, you bit,
I just wasn't enough.

You told me you loved me,
You lied, oh you ******* lied!
You could never love,
With your demons inside.

silence is all i’ve ever hoped for
the constant blaring drumming of my heart keeps my mind racing with each pitter patter it lets out
my brain buzzes with activities from
the moment it comes to each day
my stomach screams and falls into itself over and over and over with each rise and fall of excitement and loss
my body aches