Loneliness is a deeper pit
Than any other in my soul.
It consumes every bit
And starts to eat you whole.

God created a symphony
And it’s the most beautiful song
And it’s the sound
Of your laugh.

God created the stars
But the brightest he saved
For your eyes
When they light up.

God created the soothing sounds
Of waves coming on land
But made the most soothing sound
Your voice.

God made the cities and plains
For the perfect balance of busy and calm
But the most beautifully complex
Was saved for your mind.

Six foot four,
Two hundred and sixty pounds.
I see your shaven neck
On strangers bodies
And I’m back there.

Right back where I can’t feel my hands
Alcohol spilled on my dress
Your hands are somewhere
And I am dead.

But, I already was.
You didn’t know that you were into that.
*** with dead souls.
Unfortunately my body was alive.

A causal day, ruined.
Brought back to that night
Just because of some mans
shaven neck.

I can feel the ache still.
Stomach churns
Anxiety chills
I did it again.


Then I remember other nights
Nights that I fought back
Nights that I was passed out
On some mans bathroom floor.

I can hear your laugh
And still feel your hands fight me
And hearing you say “just stop, you want this, you do it with everyone else”.

Skin feels like it’s not connected
to my body.
And breathing gets hard,
But not you.

Because you’re not here.
Not you, not the other men either.
And I’m back to today, in line,
Getting lunch.

And I am alone.
But I am not dead anymore.
Flashback is done
Now to eat a salad.

Warm summer nights
Intended to be surrounded
By fireflies and kisses
Replaced by “hell smiles”.

Those smiles I would give
When the world was bad
But making you mad
Would make it worse.

Living through hell
With a smile on my face
For years on end
Getting comfortable there.

I unpacked my thoughts
With the occasional housewarming gift
Quickly followed by the
Beer trickled fingertips.

If those sticky fingertips
Saw anything but my fake joy
I’d be reminded I was in hell,
So, I smile.

Liquor bottles tipped over
Spit in my face from the sharp
Sound of the start of the word
“*****”.

That’s what I am.
A ***** who smiles through hell.
A ***** who catches your fall,
And keeps you from jail.

Hell smiles.
The one thing that keeps me sane
Through the nights of your terror
Is smiling in my living room of your brain.

Here, bruises are like weeds;
Insignificant, a nuisance.
Up my arms, down my legs,
Another night I smiled in hell.

But I moved out of that living room.
I forgot how to smile in hell.
And you didn’t like that,
So you found someone who could.

Now I’m alone in hell
Forgetting how to leave
And grasping for more
Than hell smiles.

A lonely tree
Broken, afraid, abused.
It craved comfort
And it craved love.

There, there, lonely tree,
For I will be your sun.
Shining on the ground
Helping your leaves grow.

A scared tree you are,
Filled with broken branches.
I will help you grow new ones,
Stronger than the old.

A healing tree you are,
Starting to grow new buds.
Still so fragile,
Your branches are all new.

A happy tree you are,
You dance in my rays
And they only shine for you
Grow happy tree, grow.

And a growing tree you are.
My rays bounce off you
So everyone sees your beauty
And gets shade from my rays.

A loving tree you are
Giving me purpose as the sun,
Giving you life
Is what makes me shine.

A busy tree you are,
Housing new life,
Wishing just once
For a cloud all day.

A happy sun I am.
Even when the clouds
Block my rays from you,
I know you are under there.

A cloudy sun I am.
Some days I peak through
And glimpse my happy tree,
Forgetting about my rays.

A sad sun I am.
Happy tree is there,
But happy tree, is busy tree,
And forgets about the sun.

A rainy sun I am.
Let the rain fall for days,
Only to hope my busy tree
Is growing.

Before you, she was full.

Then you came.
Then you came and you slowly ****** the life out of her.

I watched her shrivel up and die in your embrace.
I watched her fade away into complete oblivion as you held her.
I sat there and did nothing as you led her to a slow, painful death.
A very slow and a very painful death.

And now her last beat forever echoes off the walls of my empty chest.

Will she ever beat again?
This ghost heart.