The flutter of my brain
is driving me insane
I can’t stop thinking
brain waves shaking
the electric feel
the forever turning wheel
my thoughts pinging the back of my eyes
like butterflies
a heartbeat
i despise

A thousand way to love
A thousand people to fall in love with
I chose the one that was most unlikely
i chose the one that, i knew in the end, will destroy me

A thousand pretty girls
A thousand you could have easily had
but it was me who chose you
and it was me who loved you back

A thousand roads
A thousand options
not a single one
that will lead me to you

A thousand pain
A thousand reasons to give up
Love has limits
heart know nothing of

A thousand tears
A thousanf relieves
I have got them all
but without you, I have nothing

**A thousand star-crossed-lovers writing
a thousand poems in this moment
One of them is me,
my muse being you, always

It's more than just constant worry,
It's fear.

The fear of the small things,
Did I leave the oven on?
Did I lock the door?
Do my socks match?

The fear of the big things,
Does he love me?
Am I annoying?
Is somebody following me?

The fear of seemingly impossible things,
What if somebody shoots up the school?
What if I die today from a meteor?
Are there robot overlords?

The fear of unfortunate possible things,
What if If I don't have exact change?
I don't know how to answer this question, what if the teacher calls on me?
I cant stop loving him, even though he probably doesn't know I exist

It is more than a constant worry,
It's fear.

I am the leaf,
shivering in the sun,
surrounded by those like me,
trying to find myself,
in a sea of anonymity,
before a swift kick in the face does it for me.

You are my “Former”
As in used to be
As in the past
As in it’s okay for you to date her
As in I don’t mind seeing her show back up in your life
As in I don’t wonder if she knows that I exist at all
As in it doesn’t crush me when I remember our beginning, not so far from our ending
As in I have had months to be okay with this
As in I don’t cry about could have been’s
As in I don’t feel stupid for thinking I could have held a candle to her
As in I didn’t really believe it when I said we could have a future even after the breakup
As in I haven’t picked apart every flaw that sits within me that I have no way of actually knowing are absent in her
As in I wasn’t really thinking that our post-breakup hook ups meant anything
As in I knew people don’t work like that anymore
As in my heart doesn’t break when I think about her kissing you
As in of course I know we said I love you too soon and we couldn’t have known what we were saying
As in it definitely is okay for you to go back with her
As in it’s not like it’s only her that bothers me
As in it’s cool that I knew this the whole time
As in I don’t care that I could hear it in your voice when your eyes glassed over the sound of her name
As in I really really really don’t mind
As in, sure, I’ll be fine, I didn’t mind being second best
Again.

It breaks me seeing her back in your life,
Mostly cuz I had once thought she was your past
And I was your future

I didn’t know
She was your everything
And I was your nothing at all.

One step forward two steps back.
So close yet so far apart.
Three’s a crowd, right?

I won’t give up.
On who?
Me? Or her?
Talk tomorrow.
Ok, sure.
But how can we if you won’t reply to me?
I really like her.
Ouch, that one hurt.
I can’t stop thinking about her.
Yep. Still hurts.
Is it worth it?
I want to say no, but it’s not my decision to make.
I want to save her.
Go ahead. But saving her means losing me.

For better or for worse. I can’t breathe.

It settles in my skin
refusing to leave
Not wanting to hurt
but it hurts so deep
its sharply edged wooden point placed inside of me
I'm suddenly apprehensive,
Not wanting to scream

....I want to scream....


scream so loud but I'm silenced
By my agony
My lips are tied and zipped
I try to untie and unzip
Its agenda to destroy me is so formidable,
that it only neglects me with no other sensation
But serenity.

                                    © S Y A