it turns out i really am better off without you

i no longer wonder;
no wheres or hows,
no whoms or who’s
i set no alarms, i expect naught
everything is when it has to be
and i receive without offerings
i am filled with the abundance of me;

when i stopped loving
my heart stopped aching, you see

it also turns out i don’t miss you
i don’t grip on the past, i never have
i certainly don’t miss who i was while i was with you
it turns out i have always been better off without you
because when i am not with you
i am with me
and that is the place where i should be

i was once convinced that i would die of heartbreak
too bruised to touch, too scarred to heal
but dear god, i didn’t
surviving became my only instinct

i now know i could never go back to you
or anyone who remotely resembles you.
i will no longer eat crumbs
and dare to call myself full

in the end
i turned to forgiveness;
you’ve been forgiven

in the end
i turned to healing;
you have no debts

but in the end
the end.

I feel like an old pair of trousers left in a drawer
only brought out when you’re desperate cause you don’t want to be left naked
vulnerable in your knickers
better than nothing
I don’t fit what you want anymore
but you don’t fit me
so let me be in my drawer
I’ve got clothes for company
they don’t wear me out
whilst I keep them warm

Dear capricious heart,
I’m sorry for leaving you at the door step of my past self.
I know you’re built with wings that can’t take you to the sky,
But I was made of broken bones, my identity split between a continental divide,
And I was yearning for the moment that I’d come to terms with ambiguity.

Now I feel at ease,
knowing you’ve found comfort in the changing of the seasons,

And I have conquered the impossible task of hearing you beat without apprehension

Today mama am signing off
In this suite and am ever gorgeous
Am emotional that I made you proud and ever pompous
You raised me with value and to never show off
But rather to strive and always grow up
I wish father was here to gaze at his face ever joyous
I am through but yet I  forever move forth
I love you mama though I've never spoke thus

look! :-)
i once tried to wear that smile
to reach the top of a tsunami
but then the bubbles all burst
and i paddled my way into the sea
i hoped my presence would excite a reaction
but the sharks and whales drifted off
and the kelp could only flail
so i sank down to the porous bed
and embraced its grainy mane
the bubbles stopped bursting
the sea pierced through
with the warm bed beneath
i saw a smile floating above me