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нина Oct 30
it turns out i really am better off without you

i no longer wonder;
no wheres or hows,
no whoms or who’s
i set no alarms, i expect naught
everything is when it has to be
and i receive without offerings
i am filled with the abundance of me;

when i stopped loving
my heart stopped aching, you see

it also turns out i don’t miss you
i don’t grip on the past, i never have
i certainly don’t miss who i was while i was with you
it turns out i have always been better off without you
because when i am not with you
i am with me
and that is the place where i should be

i was once convinced that i would die of heartbreak
too bruised to touch, too scarred to heal
but dear god, i didn’t
surviving became my only instinct

i now know i could never go back to you
or anyone who remotely resembles you.
i will no longer eat crumbs
and dare to call myself full

in the end
i turned to forgiveness;
you’ve been forgiven

in the end
i turned to healing;
you have no debts

but in the end
the end.
i first wrote this poem in October last year. a full year later it feels reassuring to know that i was already on my way to healing. it is a lonely journey but it is so very worth it. thank you x
нина Sep 4
the bridge we had built stood wooly on its frame,
despite our best efforts, it collapsed
under the weight of darkness
and it never stood again

a few years later
new houses appeared
at the edge of the river
nobody there to remember
the other side of it
it takes time to heal
but you heal
a few years later
нина Aug 14
the cursed rattlesnake hissing
realising now i knew what had been missing
**** my mind mind mind for lying!
to myself, smiling
promising i could fix him;
rattlesnake hissing
"you're the only one who needs fixing"
Theology refers to the incident inside The Garden of Eden as the "Fall of Man" as, against God's will, Adam eats the forbidden fruit offered by Eve, which allowed him to distinguish good from evil. However, the bible does not actually mention an apple. In Latin, evil is 'malum' and an apple is called 'malus'. This could have been either a simple mistranslation or a deliberate play on these words.
нина Jul 28
save face and leave
hold your quiet
like a secret
before thunder

leave the wound
mark the trail of my passing
reminiscent —
that we do for love
that we do for vengeance

you forgot, my dear
to **** you aim
for the heart
. .  . . .
нина Jul 27
earth
once inhabited
for containment
bottled up cider
— soon too sour

that we do is beautiful
but fleeting – living
a vile act of pure free will

blissful less peaceful
the corpses we make
. . . . - - -  - -  .
нина Jul 2019
lightning
a faint clap of thunder follows suit
piercing through — open wound

crying skies
dripping with unrelenting acrid stench
rain knows me better than I know myself

it creeps upon the ground in such a vengeful way —
carried by the storm
a lightning falls
burning as much as it brightens
a sweet lullaby flows

isn't the ocean deep and miserable
lonesome and cold;
is rain the prelude — our last chance to be touched?

it is true
hour long showers are no cure
for this or any of my illnesses
I am yet to find a more suitable place for my sufferings

like a lightning — I burn
only in rain I own
deep and miserable
only in rain —
the world softly blurs
only in rain
I feel I could melt
to the salt in the water
sea foam and strands

its thunder and
its lightning
coming back home
нина Jul 2019
NOW
the subtle difference
between
holding a hand
and
chaining a soul

between
burying a self
and
heading from the dead things piled up behind you

leaning
(isn't love)

a transaction
integrity for security
(isn't love either)

kisses are not contracts

presents are not promises

defeat comes into the bar —
—familiar squabbles dizz out the bartender
drunk—young love
burning down onto the dance floor
holding on tightly to that known

O' Capitain, my Capitain!
treacherous are the roads of the morrow
—its grounds, too unstable for plans
futures have a tendency of falling flat—.

a dulcy dandy melody
that of feet walking past—.

i endure
with the grace of a woman
not the grief of a child

i learn
to take in warm loving arms
my sunken ship
back to shore—.

— The End —