a thousand and three hundred days
since I first heard your name
spoken quietly in front of a busy classroom
your hair pulled back into a neat ponytail

common, I thought
fitting into that pocket of ordinary
another face I will forget
another voice that I will lose in a crowd

so with everyone else
I merely tapped the edge of my notebook
wishing that I could find a way to disappear
into the lines of my notebook pages

months passed and you were 15 steps away
I used to settle into a corner near you
but I never bothered to offer my words
someone else needed them
and I used to clutch her hands until she stopped crying

and I sang her lullabies
and I used to belong in the nook beside her feet
and I thought she was my everything
and nothing felt the way her touch did

but I remember that one time
that she was gone and I was lost
and I found my place by your feet
I found a corner I could breathe in

there was still a distance
for you weren't who I would search for
and we may have exchanged words
but they were emptier than my hands without her

we grew apart
because what was there to hold onto?
do we hold on to the similarities that are but trivial?
do we hold on to the way we used to grin at each other when our gazes met?

days went by, weeks, months
I found hands to clutch and arms to hold me together
within those four walls I found more
more than what our wood-enclosed space could offer

there were early morning talks with small biscuits
there were pieces I wrote over the forgotten places
there were bittersweet tears on sleeves
there were stories bounced around

your name was still there
somewhere between the whispers and the lost chapters
and all I could think was I knew you
or well, I used to

there were the glimpses of you through windows
there was the same smile shared
so far and yet nothing changed
so far and yet I kept remembering how I fit into your corner

and then something brought us together again
I did not want to start over
I did not want to say "hi" for the first time in a long time
but it felt like I didn't need it

soon enough we were sharing stories under tables
our jackets barely keeping out the chill
our hands wandering into each other like magnets
and for some sort of reason I never ran out of words

you knew my heart
knew the way it beat so tirelessly for someone
knew how I had to choose
knew how I smiled through the screen when I told you
and I knew yours

good morning and goodnight
every single day, no fail
all those words and laughs in between
all those things that you found out about first

2am sleepy conversations
with coffee in our systems and glitters on our legs
tired eyes and wrong words
the lure of sleep pulling us in

6am greetings
you say you've just woken up
and I am ready to leave
I ask you if I should bring anything
and you're too tired to remember

5pm checks
"are you going to do this?"
"nah, I'd rather sleep."
I tell you about his smile
And you tell me about the way he holds you

and slowly we get more comfortable with the silence
all of the little things we share through the quiet
all the lack of words that never feel empty
the understanding that we are more than what we tell each other

that one time I could've really held you
with the colored lights too blinding and the music too loud
but I didn't mind any of them
since the moment I saw you

but he took you away
and I kept shouting in protest
and it didn't feel fair
but I forgot about it too soon anyways

I spent most of the night
trying to keep myself upright
holding onto the hands that took mine
trying to find you in the mess

and there was another time
when I told him to look for you
when he came back and told me you were with someone else
and my heart broke for him

and after that you realized that you really didn't know me
it was the first time we really fought
I was sobbing and you said words I never thought I would hear from you

then there was the unbearable silence
and only then did I realize that it was destructive
the way I needed to talk to you
because there was nothing but loneliness in the absence

I thought I would never get you back
I was afraid of so much
for the first time in a while
there was nothing but tears

and you came back
you held me and embraced me and told me everything I wanted to hear

I sang to you the songs I drunkenly remember
I wrote again after a lifetime of deleted drafts
I found my corner once more

but with that
I found out
that you were in love
I should've been happy
but something was wrong

and every day that you tell me about him
I die a little bit inside
but I will be happy
because that's all I should really be

sometimes your hand wanders into mine
sometimes I can tell you I love you until you fall asleep
sometimes your head is on my shoulder and I know it belongs there
sometimes I pretend that you can be mine

one thousand and three hundred days
and I know your name anywhere.

Sometimes your darkest moments become the moments when you see the clearest.
When you let go and see the world from a different perspective.
That the moments you spent with someone are the ones that have made you the happiest.
The things you’ve feared all along have become your most desired objective.

When you have completely given up and see how the smallest things can spread happiness to everyone.
You wish for the emotion that has eluded you for so long.
Then you realize that happiness can always be found and you need to rely on no one.
But even so there is always that one person to which you belong.

Most of the time the one you truly need has been the one right in front of you when you needed someone the most.
Giving you the strength you needed to face each day.
Perhaps it’s the person who you’ve held so close.
The one that’s always been there to show you the way.

I had someone like that and after everything we have been through.
The only person I want to be with is you.

As I bit my nails
                  wanting to taste you
beneath my fingertips

I knew then that I loved you....

Even though I walk in life,
                 in death I wonder
                                 aimlessly.

Realizing I travel more now
                  than with any breath..

For within seconds I have
                 travelled my entire life
                                 without a footstep..

And now my footprint is no more,
           but others walk over what
                              I had done before.

When you make
a memory
use the very best
materials available,
select the ingredients
carefully,
mix them
patiently,
take your time
and over time,
as you hone your craft,
you will make less mistakes
and create something
perfect.

When you make a memory take each opportunity as it arises, don't hesitate, but be ready to grasp each moment, each nettle, whatever's to hand and to celebrate the here and the now - don't be tempted to wait for that perfect moment,
because it's here.

Starring at the night sky
I realized how much you mean to me
you held my hand and intertwined it
and whispered "how I wish to stay longer"

I started to cry
"It's about time my love" you said
as you tried to reached for my other hand
"can't promise to stay with you forever"

"you suffered a lot" you stated
I stared at you, wiping your tears you mumbled
"Please let me go and search for another"
I cried even more....

Realizing that anytime now
you will leave me, but you may rest
"you suffered a lot too" I answered
"this is just a cancer" you chuckled

I woke up the next day and call your name out
my tears fall freely on the ground
You're not here anymore
and I won't see you anymore

I've tried so hard to ignore the pain
but here I am again
Longing for the wonderful day
to see you once again.

Like a broken vase
Never whole again
Like a broken plate
Never usable again

My mind is seeking refuge
It hurts, it makes me suffer
My soul is exhausted
My spirit is about to faint

Overwhelmed by depression
Breathing, yet barely alive
But still denying the fact
That I'm just a weak and empty soul

My heart is throbbing
My wings are broken
My wound is irreparable
But I still want to cherish this moment

I close my eyes in anguish
Knowing that my flame won't spark anymore
As my time reached its terminus
All I hear is the pounding of my fragile heart

she would need that, wouldn't she?
to slow down
I never slow down
when I ski,
I don't turn
I rocket down the slopes
snow trailing in the frozen air behind me
cold fear in my heart
as I pick up speed
but I don't slow down
I never slow down
I like to live fast
hard
in the moment
one punch after another
breathe breathe breathe
**** air into my lungs until it hurts and
leaves no room for second guessing
for anxiety to creep in
I run to keep up with life
feet pounding on the pavement
mimicking my heartbeat
and I don't slow down
I never slow down
I'm not so good at continued commitments
I'd rather just do everything all at once
hours of work
I could have easily done gradually
crammed all at once
and I don't think before I speak
I say what's on my mind
though I often regret it
and I don't slow down
I never slow down
because if I slowed down
then life
would catch up

a knock on the door,
comes a coy poetic thought.
ecstatic moments.