for all I know, she is a woman.
her beauty might leave you speechless
she is special, not the only one of her species,
and yet, she is uniqueness.

the wind whistles through her hair,
as she walks in elegance,
but it’s nothing like arrogance.

she embodies love and protection,
her heart is strong and golden.
and she is a lover of perfection.

she still remembers
the chances she didn’t take.
the wounds, the heart aches
and the days without breaks.

she has fallen many times,
but sure knows how to arise.
her strength has never let her down
and she still carries her crown.

for all I know,
she is a queen without king.
she always knew how to fight
and how to spread out her wings.

she protects her infants
even from a distance.
her love is persistent,
she is brave and resistent.

for all I know,
her heart is in the right place,
it carries compassion and grace.
and she will always make sure,
that I am safe.

for all I know, she must be a mother.
and gracefully I smiled,
when I realised,
that I am her child.

- gio

my stomach was in knots
as i told you the news
but i didn’t expect was the yelling
the hitting and following bruise
it is yours; I swear
and I am yours too
but you don’t want to see him
don’t care when I am due
i will raise him alone
apple falling far from the tree
show him how to love and be good
show him what a man should be
so that when he grows old
and has a baby on the way
he can be a proper father
he will not run away

If your later years give trouble
and heavy clouds have covered all
the memories you thought you'd never lose
If you forget the way you held me
when I was small and screaming
seemed to be the only thing that I could do

If summers past grow hazy
and you forget the brutal days
spent watching me play baseball in the sun
If you forget my graduation
or the days my kids were born
If you lose their names and faces one by one

I will still remember all you are
I will tenderly remind you
what you mean to me
My words and hands will never be too far
I will stand right there beside you
I will help you see
And though the stars may hide from sight
in the evening of your life
I'll always know that you are why I'm me
I love you, mom

If you find you can't remember
my first date or last December
If you find yourself lost in and out of time
I'll hope that somewhere deep
your mind will let you keep
the knowledge that you've made my life so bright

I will still remember all you are
I will tenderly remind you
what you mean to me
My words and hands will never be too far
I will stand right there beside you
I will help you see
And though the stars may hide from sight
in the evening of your life
I'll always know that you are why I'm me
I love you, mom

But if ever you forget
the times I lost my head
and took all of my anger out on you
If you forget feeling unwanted
or belittled and forgotten
For that I would be happiest for you

I will still remember all you are
I will tenderly remind you
what you mean to me
My words and hands will never be too far
I will stand right there beside you
I will help you see
And though the stars may hide from sight
in the evening of your life
I'll always know that you are why I'm me
I love you, mom

I will remember, I'll remind you
Hold your hand and dry your cheek
When you feel lost I will guide you
The way you always did for me

TW : eating disorder, suicide attempt, abuse

In my phone
There’s a contact name that’s just swear words
The occasional bad bad word that I can say in therapy but don’t in public
And it’s my mom’s contact name
I changed it after our 1millionth fight
Right before I left for uni
Because she called me fat
And at the time I was five months sober of my eating disorder
Maybe sober isn’t the right word but whatever
And my brain snaps
I scream and cry
She screams back at me
I call her “fat” back because I’m mad
And I spend the night sobbing
I even call my abusive dad who chose to leave therapy because he thinks he’s getting better
He hasn’t left his girlfriend who restricted food from me yet so, are you sure Dad?
And he tries the whole facetime while I audibly cry to not sound mean about her
And I thank him for trying in my head
Because my mom only refers to him as slurs or Satan
I eat the entire cake she got me in the fridge the next day
Before even noon
I feel bad immediately after but at least she can’t have any
And then I’m suddenly jealous that she didn’t have any
So no weight gain
I drink two cups of iced coffee with that extra calorie Starbucks syrup
And then my sister gets me Popeyes
She gets me this after yelling at our mother
Because we don’t really talk that much openly
But we both have our own scars from her words
Mine developed into eating disorders, cuts on my legs, and just general mental illness
Hers just developed into being a rock solid wall
When my mom comes home and sees me eating
She takes a bite

Is life really too short or maybe too long?
A journey just plucking out the strong

So much joy and tenderness with aching
With every breath, memories we are making

A child, then a wife, and finally a parent
The hardest job with long hours and nay a red cent

Spending days in front of the screen to pay the bills
Blurred vision, headaches looming with unmade meals

Guilt for the friend and wife and mother I am not
Worthy just the same for the wins that I've got

The dichotomy of life is sorrow and bliss
Short or long, it doesn't matter as neither I'll miss

When I was born the theme for the shower was Noah’s Ark, which if you don’t know is the story of hundreds and thousands of People being drowned by their father because He made them in a way that He knew He had no choice but to hate.
And because He had the power.
I always think this is a strange inheritance
To give a Child:
Countless mothers, thrashed against rocks and stones and trees that grow seed-bearing fruit, Grandparents scraped against the sides of cities, Sisters sputtering when lungs burn up with water.  Chaos everywhere. Pallid bodies floating over dark depths. Waves bigger than mountains, surging over clouds. Growing with the torrent. And worst by far, Wailing that is louder than the onslaught
of rain in sheets the size of seas.
When I go home I wince at blankets and baubles
Plastered with smiling elephants, giraffes and dolphins, blushing two-by-two.
That is just like my mother
to look at the tempest that killed everyone alive
and see the animals

wish i could go back
to falling apart
ive never learned how
to replace it all
its all static
stupid
chasing the fall
like a dog
somehow i get stuck in the tone of its call

guilty for nothing
chewing off cords,
can you hold my hand
like you did before
am i too big
to lay in your lap
i know i wanted to leave
but can i please come back

i am always your eyes
between your ankles on the floor
i’m what you can’t see in yourself anymore

They took me to a hill, bound me to a rock
and spilled my innards on the floor.
The woman cried a bitter stream of tears.
The man clutched the knife into his fist.

There was no stop to be had, no pause,
there were no angels to come.
The outcome written on the stone below,
marked by the scars of countless blades before.

A stream-like crack gleamed with red,
its banks welcoming the flow like an old friend.
Someplace else a child is born.
Future offering to desperate gods.

I was conceived on acid and whippets, the drugs a kaleidoscope of umbilical dreams.
I was conceived on bad luck and lust, from darkness and sexually exploitive childhood trauma.
I was conceived on teenage dreams and difficult childhoods, to black sheep children of 17.

I was raised on addiction and narcissism, a love bomb here and authoritarian abuse there.
I was raised on the chess long game, to lose a piece here means to win at the end.
I was raised on 2000s tv, Lorelei Gilmore my wish for a mother, Rory my idol.

I taught myself strength in building up a fantasy on the outside while my castle crumbled within.
I picked myself up by the tendrils of a lost childhood, by the whispers of good memories, by the hiding places I found in pages upon pages of someone else’s imagination.

And I let it all go at 28. To find peace. To start over. To build myself a new castle with no more haunted corners or echoes of pill bottles or smells of ***** and orange juice permeating the breaths of those who walk these sacred halls.
Rib cage cut open, heart destroyed and renewed, ancient umbilical nooses cut with teeth.

I will no longer fall victim to my mother’s circumstances or my father’s mistakes, I will never have the soul I’ve created look at me and ask himself if he is loved or safe.

I am cycle breaker,
I am generational karma’s worst ******* fear,
I am no longer frightened maiden,
I am fearsome mother.
I am new.