Memory is a sick lie
A joke
We choke on
Collectively

Memory is rose gold
Damp with mold
Stretched thin and wide

It fills me with hope
That the evil eye
Will not abide by human law

and let truth preside
Over memory
Its invertebrate spine

Clenches
Withholds
The pain growing mold

The rage that burned
Holes
In your favorite sweater

The silence that follows
Time not spent
Alone

Tastes like sour
black coffee
Left out

Old times
Are not the happy ones
They are all sprinkled

With a misery
That precedes
Your lie of a life.

I’m on a path and it’s dark
And I know it’s just leading me to nowhere
I’m barefoot and naked.
My feet are aching and ******
The cold air is sending shivers down my spine.
I’m lost while being nothing more than a naked piece of flesh staring into the dark
Still hoping that I see just a spec of light
To guide me from nowhere to anywhere.
My soul is fighting to leave my body.
I can’t walk.
I can’t breathe.
I’m alone and the darkness is swallowing me whole.
And I have no other choice but to let it.

It is like we are
hard-wired for a life of
hurt and misery

11:02 PM
15/11/20

i wonder how many people
dated me just for my body,
or the pleasure that they knew i could give them.

i want to know if im any good for anything besides your pleasure.
did you fall in love with me?
or did you fall for my body?

tell me,
was i just your "friend with benefits",
to emotionally **** with?
or did you fall in love with me?

did you want me for my sense of humor,
my music taste,
my sense of pride,
my fashion sense?
or,
for my body?

did you think,
"yeah, theyre hot"
or did you think,
"this person and i are meant to be"
"this person makes me feel loved"
"this person gives me butterflies.
they make me feel like im on top of the world,
like im all that matters to them,
like im the only one they need,
they want,
the one they'd marry."

i thought i was that for you,
i guess i was just your toy

Why do you make me bleed bleed, bleed bleed, keep me bleeding,
It's like you're only happy when I'm on the edge of walking away and leaving,
You love me confused, blurred between sanity and insanity,
But every moment whether it's with or without you is calamity,
And I'm so close to losing it again,
The psych ward is becoming my best friend,
And I don't like it, but you don't seem to give a single ****,
I'm just waiting for when my heart said it's had enough,
Cause that ******* is dumb as ****,
Let's you beat it to pulp and asks for one more hit,
My head's been screaming for awhile now to please let go and not to linger,
But I still have at least have one more fiber of skin left hanging on in my *******,

******* for not walking away when you can see I'm incapable,
You're not gonna leave me until I'm broken and beyond savable,
You want every piece of me that's not broken, and I'll tell you it's not many,
And all the shards are screaming out, "Please somebody save me!'

You, you just love that I love you, and it's not quite the same,
As a love that doesn't keep making you feel more in (*******) sane,
But I don't think you really know the difference,
You only think love is real when it's toxic as ****,
And me, I just want for once to feel okay,
Not to wake up dreading another day,
But you, you don't care as long as I'm paying attention,
What happens though if you push me over the edge of my depression?
Just one step too many and you know I'll down a hand-full of pills,
Not look back until I wake up in the ER or looking down at myself buried under a hill,
Sometimes though I wonder,
If you want me six feet under,
Just for the ability,
To ask other girls for their sympathy,

******* for not walking away when you can see I'm incapable,
You're not gonna leave me until I'm broken and beyond savable,
You want every piece of me that's not broken, and I'll tell you it's not many,
And all the shards are screaming out, "Please somebody save me!'