i hoped every word in my poems
knocked the bricks off your wall of fear
i would have held you, protected you and loved you
until my last breath.

unfortunately, your doubts overshadowed my transparency
it is not a surprise as i have become used to the exit door
when the right human does come i will have so much love to share
i wish you the best, my friend...

im not going to sit here and lie
your beautiful and gentle glow will be missed
but i know there's nothing i could do
as you have made up your mind

i will always be here
i am in love with what we had
you brought me no stress
no lonliness and no fear

love and art, 1991,
henk holveck

I guess I’ve been searching
For the meaning of life
In all the wrong ways
And in the wrong place

I delved into the deep secrets
Of lottery tickets
Hoping that a circle or three
Would reveal life’s mystery

Next up was a casino
Where I went straight for roulette
And found luck almost upon me
Yet the little  ball changed to forty-three

Then I soon discovered
That despite my hopes and prayers
That after my game of Blackjack
About life I still knew jack

So now I’ve come to realize
That life may be a lottery
But that doesn’t mean a gambling spree
Will reveal life’s meaning or mystery

Me: What can
what can i do
Too many people wishing you were dead,
(Do all that you can when you can do)
What can i do now
I hit rock bottom from the sky,
Cuz they go all crazy when i shine
Am so lucky that i didnt break my head
Am strong enough for the life ahead,
Never want them back
They stabb yah back,
Backbite yah back, orchestrate ya sorrows
Today and tommorrow
Like it alot when you go wrong
But we been friends for so **** long
My failure is the source of there laughter
But when together they be acting luster
Guess now ill run even faster,
Run even Faster pray even harder
*******
Tryn harder to hurt me further, like my deadbeat father,
Nolonger givn a **** bout what i feel
But still im stronger like steel,
See i  aint even wrong them,
I wonder why they do what they do

What can
what can i do
Too many people wishing you were dead,
(Do all that you can when you can do)
What can i do now
Turn my other cheek no
I rise above them all now
(Do all that you can when you can do)
Remember them days back when i didnt mind my back,
My backpack full o packed coke we be runnin them blocks cuz we blacks never relaying on luck  i pick mosta them and the likes cut them some slack in my shack cuz they lackd,
We made a whole new home
They swore to never place greed before a ******, reciding them creeds like eminem,
before what we did in em streets to pull through,
my crew my life we cruise
We win we lose we floz
We never ceased to love
Is it too late...but it dawned on me it wasnt real
What can
what can i do
Too many people wishing you were dead,
(Do all that you can when you can do)
What can i do now
Turn my other cheek no
I rise above them all now
(Do all that you can when you can do)
We split tha ways cuz i wanted legit,  no more fakin it ,a  **** with a conscience look for a license protect the streets i raided cuz they raised me
Never place greed before a ****** is the creed we wrote you broke no longer broke you rich now but still robe the streets the many throats you slit for cults it occurred i hadto leave
I did the time for yall as you balled cuz i loved you all and you know how i loved Ael as her head you popped with them bullets
The same bullets i taught you to shoot
Give you the other cheek you sick,you know,
i had no other chic but Ael you weak freaks
Stick to them halls cuz im comin fo yer,
ill break my vows for her


Sending…

you sound like an idiot
when you said
you want to have me
all for yourself
because I have already
belonged to you
for so long ago
haven't I?

I guess I'm just young,
I guess they say
I'm just dumb.
I guess I'm just young,
but guess what -
I'm not drunk.
I guess I'm confused,
I guess I did give a ****.
I guess I loved you,
but I guess I ran out of luck.

I made some choices
that I live to regret.
I hear deep voices
in the back of my head.
They call me and tell me
that I should be grateful;
for it is pain and entropy
that make the soul unbreakable.

I'm just oh-so-young,
but I feel oh-so-old.
I'm oh-so dumb,
but too clever to be told.
I'm so **** sober,
but confusion makes me drunk.
I have too much pride
to realize that on my own
I'll never be enough.

Where have my idols gone?
Are they just idling on the sideline?
Where has my laughter gone?
I even cry now on the outside.
Why do I make mistakes,
even more so when
I try to fix them?
Where is my self-belief?
I'm oh-so-strong,
yet oh-so-weak.

Bathe me in blood
and cut my tumors loose.
Free my mind from
thought, so all my dreams
can come true.
Restore my faith in love
and all I'll believe in is you.

I guess I'm just young,
I guess it's alright
that I'm dumb.
I guess I'm just young,
let's go ahead and get drunk.
Let's lose ourselves like the
rest of our generation.
We'll die sweetly
and slowly together;
all good things in life
come with patience.

I'm watching you as you watch me
It's breaking my heart to see you cry constantly.
WE have had memories that no one can take away
Even if I left right now, I want you to be ok.

These white walls are screaming and the nurses don't even care.
Feeling so lucky just to have you here.
The drip of the medicine slowly killing me
I only pray for it to be quick, if it is to be.

Life is short like a piece of sand on this beach.
Relationships and building character is what we should seek.
In one hundred years of advancement, we've taken ten steps back.
Perfect love and kindness is what we often lack.

We act so much better than the animals we cage.
Then wonder why mother nature is pouring out her rage.
The earth was freely given with more than enough to supply
When I think of the greed and selfishness, it makes me want to cry.

We are all so worried about what happened in the past.
If we don't start living in the present, our race will not last.
Instant gratification and materialism and power for a false sense of pride.
Are we ever going to adapt and evolve and stop the constant lies.

Friendships that last are hard to find
It takes a lifetime to truly appreciate the genuine kind.
We've been given a brain we are too lazy to use
It's like we're playing a game, in order to win, we have to lose.

My breath is now rattling out of my chest
Maybe now, my soul will finally be at rest.
When I stand at the gates of judgement, I'll smile.
Cuz life only lasts a second, but eternity is a very  long while.

Advice from beyond the grave and back
Love everyone, even those who hurt you, even if they don't love you back.
For the real test of character and spirit within you
Is forgiveness, kindness and always being true.

Meditate, reflect and do your best at everything
Time runs out so fact, you don't even notice it.
So stay the course and on the right path, whatever you do
Never say never, don't give up and be one of the chosen few.

Wind in my face, skateboard wheels careening toward my destination with a fervent pace, so many groceries on my mind. My music blaring within my ears, filling the world with some gift wrapped three minute long purpose for being. No one else is in my world as I roll along the concrete sides, just enjoy the beauty of the moment. Then tragedy strikes like a viper in the dark, the spot in my mind that I manifested with wood and wheels and speed, all set to a musical soundtrack is shattered with a single blow. Not a pebble or unseen ledge but you. You come into vision, my thief of heart and soul, my dreamtime tormentor, my love that won't or can't subside. Trailing behind you of course is whatever you've replaced me with, some superior person in appearance or attitude. As I roll ever nearer, all can do is imagine our perfect conversation, you know the one... That one makes you fall in love with me again. but as our bodies close in on each other, almost until I could grab you and kiss you with the supreme passion I still feel, my imagination melts back into the part of the brain that keeps me sad and all I do is make a fake smile in your direction give a half hearted waive and continue passed, trying not look back at you and the person beside.

The store I find, has an excellent selection of wine and spirits. I pick one, douse myself in it's forgetful qualities and sleep without dreams. For once leaving you out of where you should no longer reside.

Clovers, big and small,
Soft and rich in luckiness.
Trust would form in us,
Connected like the leaves.

Mud, seemed as smooth as marble,
Splashed over melted chocolate.
Although built brick by brick,
Creativity sped it up.

Tiny lost details used to come from our hands.
Forever fun in bending paper.
Letters flipped over by pen.

Together like the stars and the moon.
Raining sparkles, we were one . . .

Until mountains crashed the charming greens,
Greens filled with pure luck.
They shouted and cried,
Suffocating through day and night.

Nature disobeyed the mud,
Right beneath our feet.
Smoothness was swept away,
By the howling wind.

We got split up into stages.
One lower, one higher.
The mountain became uneven.
One smooth, one spiked.

Great deep cracks began to appear in our circle.
And now it seems that even our stepping stones differ.

No feelings, only doubts.
It has been a long, long time . . .

My dear old friend,
How do you feel about me?

it rained the next three days after
the dreadful words fell from your mouth.

really wasn't up for the talk, yet you
proceeded anyway and there it was
out of nowhere that feeling I hadn't missed.

suddenly as I sat in your passenger seat where I sat just the day before
perfectly content, your words stabbed my heart.

you said you liked me so much it hurt
however you needed time to work on yourself. to me all I heard was the slamming of another door, and the noise killed.

they say when one door closes another will surely open soon.
I don't want any other door to open unless you're standing behind it.

you promised this isn't a goodbye
instead a see ya later. problem is
there's no guarantee of that. I'm
scared to death of holding onto nothing all over again.

in the mean time, the leaves will continue to fall, lovers will continue to love, and I'll stay here dazed counting the days on my fingers and toes & then all over again since I last felt at home when my lips were on yours.

please don't leave me.