And that's when it hits
Everything
That's been held up by strings
Crashes down
Around my feet
I'm lost
Again
In the same old maze
Of belated happenings
And the skies
That we made
Will keep fading away
To show me the blackness
Behind my eyes
If I sit here long enough
Star gazing past the sun
It will assuredly
Occur to me
That the only way out
Is into space

Please write back.

I'm not ok
Is that the first step I should take
Should I admit to my mistakes
Should I reach for another bottle
Cry about how much this aches
I'm not ok
But it's never going to end
Maybe all I needed was a friend
But now I'm holding to this blade
Tempted to cut again
Because every time I look into the mirror
I just want to ******* scream
I swear to God that I still hear them
And they keeps whispering to me
How my death is drawing near
I'm not as happy as I seem
So listen closely
I don't think you should love me
I only use you when I'm lonely
Wrap your arms around my neck
And start kissing me slowly
It's ******* crazy
I only think about it lately
My death
And I don't think someone exists
Out there that can still save me
I am sick
I admit that I'm not ok
An atheist that drops to his knees
Sometimes to pray
And I scream until there's nothing left
To say
Cry into my hands until my lips start turning grey
But every time I lay to go to sleep
I keep getting haunted in my dreams
Gasping and I'm sweating
Trapped inside the devil's schemes
"You're worthless, you should die"
Tearing down my self-esteem
So listen closely
I don't think you should love me
I always act so coldly
I'll smile to your face
But know that I am phony
And yes I'm crazy
I think about it
Much more lately
My death
And I don't want someone to
Save me

Here I am once more,
Trying to grasp what I can’t comprehend.
You speak to me in strange tongues.
Lesbian? I thought you were American.

If I find you
Will you mind
My broken windows
My rotted steps
The rats
In my head
And the bats
In the basement
Will you mind
The smokestacks
And boarded
Up doorways
Will you recognize
That I don't want
For you to leave
I just want
Someone to
Break inside

I spent a great deal of my time speaking and giving my attention to one person,
That when it’s time to put myself out there, I genuinely don’t know how,
It doesn’t mean I’m not trying, it’s routine for me to speak the way that I do expecting that the world is exactly like them,
Trying to redirect my brain and my heart is the most difficult part of moving on,
But I’m trying

I know I'm growing.
I know I'm evolving.
I'm changing.
And that's not really the problem.
There actually isn't one.
It's just something I don't like.
I'm a kid.
I don't understand the real world.
And all it's problems.
I mean, that's what I'm told.
But what they don't know,
What they can't see,
Is that I do understand.
I'm a kid, but that doesn't mean,
I'm small.
That doesn't mean
I can't see past the dashboard.
I can see the causes, the effects,
I see the people.
But what I don't like,
Is when I feel like they're right.
I don't like it when I feel small.
When I can't see anything.
When I don't understand.
Because I'm just a kid.

I don't know anything.

This is selfish
And I know
I know
I always do
But that doesn't stop me
From self absorbed thoughts
Then panicking
When I notice
Then slicing open
My thighs
Bleeding out
My lies
It's such a vicious cycle
And it's only
The start
I won't say
That I'm not ashamed
Of the things I've done
Of the person
I've become
But I also can't say
That I didn't want this
That I didn't
Ask for this
Because I did
And I deserve it
I don't remember a time
When things weren't wrong
It's the subtleties
The little things
I looked up
On my first phone
The pinching
The picking
The restricting
I was only eleven then
I made friends
I shouldn't have
I opened my arms
To the whole world
And it rushed in
Too fast
I wasn't ready
I know that now
But I asked for it
And I can't change
The past
The first time
My mother told me
She was worried
I wondered why
I was always
The one who worried
The one who noticed
The anguished faces
Who pressed her ear
To the bathroom door
And heard the muttered
Conversations
About things
And how they go wrong
And always
It seemed
I was the heart of it all
So I was scared
I wanted to change
I haven't known a day
Without shame
In at least five years now
That's an awfully
Long time
To survive
In the wild
Menacing darkness
Just a child
A babe in the woods
How would you feel
If that babe knew
About the monsters
The creatures of the deep
All the bad things
That most people
Run from
And she took them
With a scream
That was me
I was lost
I still am
To some degree
There are scars
That will never fade
But it was all
For a rush
That highlight
Starstruck
Moonlit night
When I cried
For so long
Because I couldn't have him
Or her
Or them
Or anyone
In particular
And it all climaxed
Again and again
There doesn't seem
To be an end
Just more walls
In my twisting maze
Every time
I see a light
It turns out
It's just a phase
An illusion
A ghost
Of something I never had
Maybe if she hadn't died
Maybe if they'd never fought
Maybe if I'd been a
Better child
None of this
Would've happened
There must be
Another world
Where I find happiness
But that's not mine
That's not me
I'm the timeline
That everyone is glad
They don't belong to
I'm the mess
The perfect tragedy
My parents
What do they even
Think of me
I can imagine that
Hospital fees
Add up pretty quick
And with all that I've done
I'm not worth
What I cost
I'm just a mess
A disaster of a girl
I was never meant to be born
But he died
Instead
And here I am
Dying for the light
But unwilling
To venture out
I guess I'm
Sick and twisted
In a number of ways
But more than anything
I'm scared
And I'm not enough
I'm not skinny
Like I was
I can barely show
My face in public
I can't wear shorts
Except around the house
And I hate myself
So much
Most of the time
That dying often seems
Like the only answer
I'll never stop coming back to
So yeah
My depression
So big and ugly
I'm unable
To untangle
Its reflection from mine
We're so
Intertwined
I've been here for so long
It's grown around me
It's a dying tree
And I am dying with it