Alone

It Feels More Than It Really Is,

Desolate abandonment
The void left by, taught through
The faces I would turn towards
And truest love I knew

Yet away from me, unhappily
Or indifferent, themselves have turned
Fixed, never to meet within my gaze
My life's  cautionary tale, discerned
Falling in love with many a friend
From very early on
Where nothing matters like they do,
No matter that they've gone.
No matter that the majority
the best parts of our life's real years,
Are spent relapsing in mere memories
As sincerely, serenely, their aura disappears.

It Really Is More Than It Feels

Alone

There is still an echo similar to a giggle.

So far away that heart can barely feel them and the mind can barely touch them. So faded away in the fog of despair, I embarked on a journey while floating on the waves of my memory.

Laughter so dying,

Residing in the corner of a decaying reminiscence.

Laughter so dying,

Erasing from the brain like a remembrance of a bird passing by.

Laughter so dying,

Sinking in the depths of hopelessness.

Laughter so dying,

Misery feeds upon contentment and serenity is overwhelmed by emptiness.

Laughter so dying,

It stays in our chest forever, slowly building a house, now called grief, that once was home to decaying laughter.

calm seas, restless lungs

breathe it in
the mournful breath is out there

skin is numb

the words are too

holding still
hidden under the tongue

holding
hidden

one more dies before he gets there
(what did the letter say...?)

holding
hidden

what did it say...?

Why at this late hour
When the blood of our soldiers water the soil
And the sweat from our brows has fed the clouds
To dark, thick clouds, do Calvary come?

The infernal string's been plucked, the anthems sung.
So do not promise us the red Clover, for victory or not
The living soul's spirit has gone with the dead
And transformed them to living carcass

Arrive not dear salvation for all that I love lies here
let us fall with our soldiers and transcend with them
There's no greater Victory --or place for us no more--,
Except here, to be buried with the dead.

Am I incapable,
Of love?
No experience
From a world so tough.
No feeling
Through a heart so numb.
Yet I succumb,
Accept,
And move on.

At the edge,
I sink to my knees.
Nothing to feel,
Nothing to see.

The touch of grass,
Tickling my feet.
Yet no laugh I bear
In my defeat.

But a beautiful creature
Passes by.
I catch a glimpse
With my teary eyes.
She's burnt with orange
And the darkest of blacks.
So small in size
With wings on her back.

She lands so softly
On my button-red nose.
Fluttering so gently,
Unbothered by the cold.

I hold her gaze
Until she's ready to go.
And flutter away,
She goes back home.

I should follow her footsteps,
It's getting quite late.
For her presence,
Though small,
Has encouraged me to stay.

Tired of feeling
so down and sick

Tired of having no
hope,

Time has done nothing
but break my soul

For once,
I’d like to take
control.

Spent the past year,
Spiraling down and falling
flat on my face

Reliving the past,
Life in disarray.

It’s time I
pick myself up
and figure out

How to conquer
My life and shake
this doubt.

I hope you wore a sweater,
in your favorite shade of blue.
It gets cold in late November,
(it gets darker faster, too)

I hope the shoes you wore fit snugly
(even if your socks don't match)
I hope your last day wasn't ugly,
I hope the pain was over fast.

I'm sure you felt your sadness deeply,
I'm sure you felt your heart ache too.
When you took a walk when all were sleeping,
in your favorite shade of blue.

I wonder what it felt like,
to pick the perfect tree.
To end your painful heartache,
snug shoes on dangling feet.

But my most pressing question,
that I would ask of you,
is where did you lose your earbud?
(you're wearing one, not two)

They moved you to the metal table,
(the one that tilts down at an angle)
They cut the sweater off you too,
your favorite one in midnight blue.

They make their notes:
your weight,
your height.
They check your shoulder width and write:
"He will fit a standard casket"
(they carry on with their assessment)

"Rope indentation - on the neck
Eyes and fingers - blue and red
Socks mismatching
Nike shoes
One earbud gone"
(that's all I knew)

Tell me why'd you take that walk?
I know the road ahead looked bare.
Tell me how you chose a song.
Did you brush your teeth and comb your hair?

Did it happen on a school night?
(your file says you were in 12th grade)
Did you tell your mom you loved her?
- with your mind already made.

So to the boy with just one earbud,
I'm sorry this world felt so wrong.
I hope you're in your favorite sweater,
and you're listening to your favorite song.