anxiety kills.
it's more dangerous and lethal  
than bullets, knives
for these can only
hurt you, damage you externally
but anxiety
penetrates, spreads
from the inside.

Silent despair,
wandering there.

You see it everyday;
a hopeless entity
pretending to be
of any substance,

When in reality,
they've been reduced
to Nonexistence.

heavy heart,
swollen lungs,
lifeless limbs;
my pulse has sung
"oh bury me
in red
in black
bury me
amongst trees
and rats"
and is still
singing:
"heaven's tide
sweep me in,
caress me in
soft baby skin"
lifeless limbs
pulse still,
pulse stopped.
oh happy to be
amongst treetops.
happy to be
sailing free,
soaring high;
above clouds
above blue skies.

happy to be happy.

*"oh bury me
in clouds,
or at sea
reborn into
the world
happy."

There's a train station just down the road
if I could only put a foot
in front of
the other.

Time passes too quickly
allowing my body and it's will
to survive - holding me back against the bed.
I'm meant to be the pilot. Me.

My soul is now  only the means to an end,
and I'm too tired to object, heavy, hanging by strings.
If only I could break free for a moment...


There's a train station just down the road.

I'm trapped in here,
I can't get out
"Somebody help me!
Please help me," I shout.

I'm bound by the hands,
With steel crushing my heart
I can barely stand
So I just fall apart

I'm giving up hope
Of living happily after,
Of a life spent with her
And all of our laughter.

I gave away my heart
Now my heart won't come back.
Was I doomed from the start?
Or is it faith that I lack?

I'm bound up in chains
Chained up like monster
Still filled with pain
Over the fact that I lost her.

How is it possible for me to move on?
Moving on with out any hope.
Hope died like memories fade, sinking into the dawn.
A new Dawn binding my feet like rope.

Still I am told I must pick myself up,
For who else is there to lend me a hand
Or to hand me a way to improve my "luck",
Though, luck's never made a man stand.

I thought all this time that "us" was a blessing,
The blessing that kept us together.
Instead, now I'm left constantly guessing.
Guessing what kept us from forever.

Now I'm trapped in a nightmare where nothing has changed
Save for the change of a loved one lost,
I'm lost in a world from which I feel so estranged,
Estranged from love, a lost-love's cost.

I cannot escape from this terrible dream,
Dreaming of days long gone.
Gone, I have gone and died it would seem.
Seemingly nothing can make me strong.

11/21/13

You say nothing as you watch me crumbling
Whispering a defiant 'i'm ok'
Tears streaming down my face
I'm not looking at you
You notice this
You say 'you're not'
I agree silently
I cannot find it within me to talk more
I am exhausted
I do not know how to explain how much i think about dying
I do not know how to seek help
But you know i am crumbling
You see
And you stare
Numbly blankly
Back at me
Hands in your pocket you do nothing
And i plead with you silently to help me
You notice this and you still stare
Numbly blankly
And then i collapse and i disappear
And you say 'what a shame. If only i had known'
And you walk away