Pulled in a million directions,
No one listened to my objections,
Each separated and self-perpetuated
With no overlap, it left me entrapped.

you have dealt with her damnation for far too many centuries. one day, you dare yourself to reach up and stroke her obsidian cheeks with tired, burnt fingertips. you look into her sable eyes and search for what they used to be—two bright citrine stones, young and benevolent, disappearing behind her honey-glazed grin as you wander over every mountain and through every desolate valley that graced her naked anatomy—but that girl is gone now, isn't she?

you breathe her in and she spits you out. she laughs as your skeleton crumples at her feet. she picks up your tibia and uses it to pluck the dead souls from her teeth, all except for yours. [even in this dark red light, she looks nothing less than holy.] she tortures and berates you, sets fire to your skin, yet she refuses to pluck the stars from your irises—tell me, boy, why does she still let you shine in a world shrouded by despair?

sometimes her touch isn't scalding against your flesh, sometimes you don't flinch when she runs her sharpened claws down the length of your spine. sometimes she presses greek tragedies into your tongue—you cannot tell if she loves the taste of desperation, or the fact that she still brings you to your knees.

you cry because you love it, too.

1998, I came to the world
A sweet little girl
That later would be the opposite
But I was still so talented
Playing guitar and piano
Like my father did
I was holding his hand
Until I was 9 and moved to another land

My dreams and hopes were left behind
I couldn’t see a future
I was totally blind
And I began to grow and cry often
And when I turned thirteen
I was so lost
My skin couldn’t no more stay clean
Bleeding like a horror movie in the screen

I started running away
I had no more reasons to stay
I was only there to cause problems
My nights became days
And my nights became helpless

I know it sounds selfish
But I just didn’t have
I didn’t have any reason to keep fighting
And I’m the same self-destructive behavior
I kept spinning

When I was 18, I moved to my father’s house
I couldn’t even handle my own thoughts
My memories from I was 14 were little dots
I was living stuck with my voices
Hurting myself
And being enable to make my own choices

I only wish I could have made my family proud
But I couldn’t stand in my own feet
When I was already nineteen
A simple task I couldn’t complete
I wish I had made you happy
But I will always need help when myself
I have to defeat

I should have been doing better now
Get over my mom
And make my daddy proud
And I hope someday I will
Somehow

I hope when I walked into that place and bumped into you, my whole body did not react like it had many times before. I’d wait for my ultimate existence to completely abandon me, for my lips to shut down from glueing any smile, and for my legs to freeze up to fall to the ground weeping at your sight. But nothing happened. Nothing. Happened. There was no chemistry bonded inside me when we locked eyes. I couldn’t sense any wavelength between us anymore. I couldn’t feel any spark of electricity in my universe that I dreamed to live with you. You just looked like a regular guy with your regular hairstyle, nothing profound about you. My heart must have cleansed itself of you due to many late-night cry, must have gotten tired of me blaming myself for what had happened, and squeezed the feeling out of me while I was busy engulfing in tears.

Though we were both in the same ship, we were actually stayed in different cabins. Though we dreamed to revolve entirely around us, I was still galaxies away from you.