The saying goes
"It takes 21 days to make or break a habit"
but it's been 71 and I've yet to even crack the surface on this one
I made a routine out of pretending to be stronger than what
I pretended you made me into, and that was weak.
I created a pattern in my head and brought it to life:
you were the reason I was this way and here is why:
what we had was a habit,
I'll spare the details because they're just as boring as the same series I've been watching on Netflix for a month without a purpose.
***, fight, make up, ignore problems, watch tv, sleep and eat ****** food, more ***.
You could smell the latex for two years before we stopped using a ****** and taking that risk became routine.
We knew all the answers to jeopardy but we kept watching and I think that's because we tried to pretend that we didn't know things that we already did
and look where it led.

It was a habit.
It was comfort after a week of routines we led separately but somehow over the course of three years never talked about deeply.
"How was school?"
Out of habit I say "okay"
How was work? "slow"
"I don't care what we order"
"Just pick something"
"Do you want to have ***?"
"Can you push over?"
"Who are you texting?"
"why do you always do this?"
"Are you finished being mad yet?"
"I need you in my life, please don't leave"

As humans we crave stability but do not know that what it brings instead is a suffocating cycle that should not feel so permanent at nineteen and twenty


So when we broke up I made a habit out of checking up on you
made a pattern out of blaming you for not wanting to leave my bed,

two whole months later.

What they don't tell you about habits is that 21 days is not enough to break down walls that held you in place for 956 days, even if you weren't very happy,
at least you were warm and at least you had something there to remind you that you always had something to fall back on,
even if it was weighing down your shoulders,
even if it would crack around you one day.

I made a habit out of projecting the blame onto others too,
like saying "would crack around you" one day.
Like I was warning others that love is not forever and to be cautious who you let inside your walls because I did not want to see you there inside when they fall,
when they really fell around me
and two months later,
it's a habit to still check in to make sure you're happy.
Scrolling your newsfeed though you have me blocked, I'm sure you know I do it anyway so you routinely make yourself look better than ever, satisfied in all that you have and I hope you are that way,  I really do
5 days a week in a factory coming home to microwave noodles and a small love seat is not ideal but it's comforting.
And so we accept these facts and allow ourselves to repeat
all we want sometimes is comfort, we don't even need to be happy if we have a place to sleep.

it is still a routine to forget about taking care of my self because that takes away time from caring for you and selfish is one word I never strive to be so I spend my days remembering all the things we repeated over and over.

I will always blame you because it is so hard not to.

I hope one day I don't.

Some days I try and make a habit out of pretending I'm angry with you when in all actuality I miss the stability of calling someone mine.
I don't know why I do this thing where I pretend like I didn't love you as much as I did,
as much as I do. Still.
I guess it's a habit because I have so much to live up to;
this "hard girl" image isn't easy, you know, but for 71 days it's what I've come to know is what I need to move on maybe half as fast as you did.
Maybe I wasn't a routine for you because I know you well enough to know you were stuck in your ways for longer than 21 days so many times and it was not easy to break through them.
Maybe I was different.
I think I loved you a lot more and that's why I have pages of words,
and bags of glass bottles,
I've made a routine out of this and you have done absolutely nothing.


21 days?
That's absurd.
I just let 21 days pass without trying to even move on

what happens if you don't want to break the habit?
I'm sorry, what happens if I don't want to break the habit?
What if I miss it?
What if I want it back although that habit is far gone and moved on?


What do I do now but blame that habit for my lack of motivation now as my fingers wear out the paint on the keyboard of this computer and I blame you for my weight gain and inability to stop drinking even though you told me never to start in the first place because you know I have an addictive personality and it's so hard for me to
break habits?

Once I get started on a new one I'm sure I will be fine.
they say it only takes 21 days, anyway.

left with
deceit,
kisses,
longings,
experience

I man,
animal,
crude
of
flesh,

easily
offended,
aghast,
burnt,
bent

at such
teasing,
*******,
frothing,
fluff,

nothing
gave in,
but
frozen
surrender,

as she
floated
through rings,
juggled orbits,
trajectories,

full to
the brim
now,
stagnant,
unwavering,

a silence
acrid,
algae,
repulsion,
alarm

how
geographically
one can be
aloof, as in
heart

oh, of such
mysteries
are men,
women
shaped

so
farewell,
my habit
leads me
by hand,

yes,
farewell,
how splendid
to blow
this apart,

oh,
farewell,
and thank
you for
thine sweet
heart,

but farewell,
it was a
beautiful time

how water
ebbs, cuts
at the banks..

The more I use it
The more I hate myself
The more I hate myself
The more I use it

Now that I've pulled out the needles,
or that I've quit tracing the EKG,
I don't know where to dip my pen in.

it's just that I've been keeping myself busy
with work, friends, and family
so the time will overlap before me
with a hope to have some remedy

but when I stop a short while;
I have nothing on my mind
but you

The sky is blue
But the concrete is black

Waste (wāst) v. 1. To use, consume, spend, or expend thoughtlessly or carelessly: For hours on end we laid waste beneath the plastered moon. 2. To cause to lose energy, strength, or vigor; exhaust, tire, or enfeeble:  The tar wasted her lungs. 3. To fail to take advantage of or use for profit; lose: You wasted an opportunity to be with me. 4. a. To destroy completely. b. Slang. To ****; ******. The cigarettes wasted our relationship. 5. Garbage; trash. You had the audacity to choose to keep them than throw them in the waste basket.  6. Regarded or discarded as worthless or useless. You were a waste of my time.

© Matthew Harlovic

Doodling doodling
You keep on doodling
Why aren't you working?
Remember, you're not the king

Stealing minutes
Spreading inks
Overflowing wits
Can't lose this habit

*~Unfinished~