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Alex Jul 9
Here I am sitting on my bedroom floor with a razor in my hand wondering if 155 days sober is enough to deter me from cutting again.

I have been so proud of myself for all of those days,
even when I was at one week and I didn’t think it was enough,
and even when I wanted to hurt myself so bad that I thought I might throw up.

I don’t want those days to have been for nothing,
but I can’t help but think of that time last summer when I was in a constant state of anxiety for 7 days straight during which I tried every trick to calm myself down,
and nothing worked, so I resorted to self harm.

Now my stress and anxiety have been building up for about a month,
and I am so exhausted that I actually did throw up,
and I can’t get up in the morning because I am so paralyzed by all my thoughts,
and I start thinking to myself
“What could be so bad about one little cut?”
Alex Jun 27
Others judge me for being lazy when they cannot see the invisible walls created by my anxiety
I do not choose to panic every time I leave the solitude of my own room
I do not choose to shut down every time I make even the smallest mistake
I do not choose to put off taking care of my basic necessities until after the last second just so I can avoid talking to people
There are not enough words in the world to describe how much I wish I could leave the prison that my anxiety has created around me, but I seemed to have lost the key
I know I'm not very good at poetry but I still like to come on here every once in a while and give it a try anyways
Alex Jun 2021
It is entirely possible to hate someone with all your heart but at the same time care about them so deeply that you would give your life for them.

You can look at someone who has hurt you so badly and still want to run into their arms and seek comfort from them.

And someone who has caused you an immense amount of pain and trauma can still be one of the people you love the most.
Alex Nov 2020
I wish my mom would look at me as a person rather than a prize
In her eyes parenting is a competition

If I choose to spend more time with him she is losing
But she must win, to her, there is no other option

Then the minute she is ahead she loses the ability to even acknowledge me
Because of her, I am lacking in the stability I so often crave
Alex Mar 2020
Online I found a guy
He didn't look too bad
He lived only an hour away

He said he was 17
Only three years older than me

We made plans to meet up
I was excited
I was going to have *** for the very first time

I wasn't thinking about all of the dangers
I could've been kidnapped
I could've been murdered
I could have been put into *** trafficking
I am lucky I didn't get hurt
But on his way to pick me up

He said he was 19
Only five years older than me

I was scared
But there was no time to change my mind
At fourteen I lost my virginity
To a nineteen year old stranger

Afterwards I panicked
I confided in someone
And they reported the incident
I didn't mean to get him in trouble
But as the police were investigating

They said he was 27
Only thirteen years older than me
This is my story about online predators and I got really lucky because this could've ended a lot worse than it did. But I really hope this teaches people how dangerous talking to strangers online can be, and how the "it won't happen to me" mentality can end very badly.
Alex Mar 2020
If only you could see
I will never truly be free
After all of the damage
You've done to me
Alex Mar 2020
Sometimes love is funny
Sometimes you fall in love with someone too old,
Too young,
Too busy,
Too taken,
Or sometimes you fall in love with someone who's simply too far away
Someone who is so perfect,
Yet someone who always seems just out of reach
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