I’m still a liar
I still lie to you
it doesn’t matter
when, why, or who
I’m still working
on trusting others
but I’m really just
learning to trust myself

It wasn’t her fault
The sun didn’t rise
In my world
Today.

It wasn’t his fault
That I watched
Her hair create a halo
Around the head of an angel
As she fell.

It wasn’t their fault
That hand in hand,
They left this world
Hoping
The next one
Would be better.

I was in love,
Madly in love
Without me realizing it.

The way you blamed,
The way you lied,
The way you betrayed,
Hit me straight up in my heart.

But,
I was told it was my fault.
That I caused this mess.
And I believed it, because
I was madly in love.

When will you learn?
You don't play with fire unless you want to get burned.

Whoops.

I know what's coming,
I want to run away.
Maybe a deeper disire,
Always makes me stay.

He slips in behind me
Cuddles and watches TV.
Then he touches me and moves me,
And never once with a plea.

His rythm begins,
One leg bracing me in.
Leaving his hand down my pants
Grabbing at my skin.

With fury and anger
His force comes to an abrupt hault.
Unsatisfied and unloved,
I'm left shaking, in fault.

A few days later,
We're in the same routine.
Cuddles and watching TV,
But this time, I turn away from the screen.

One leg bracing me in,
His hand still down my pants.
Grabbing at my skin,
I'm hoping for a trance.

With fury and anger,
His force comes to an abrupt hault.
Unsatisfied and unloved,
I'm left shaken, in fault.

Fears created by years and years of trauma and abuse and manipulation. Triggered by the smallest thing.
I’m sorry.